You won't believe this
So happy to have found this website. It's difficult to discuss skids with anyone. Dh gets defensive and protective of them when I voice any concerns with him. We've been married for 17 years & have 1 child together (16). Up until last year, he had two daughters, (22 & 26) who lived with us for several years when we first married -- which is another story I'll share sometime. 15 years ago, DH had an affair & child with another woman. They live in another state & dh's only visited them 2x. I agreed to stay with dh after extensive therapy and his significant remorse. Last year, dh announced he had 2 new kids (ages 18 & 20) from relationships before our marriage. After accepting his affair, it's difficult to continue to put on a happy face when I've already endured so much. They're all happy they've discovered each other. Kind of like getting new toys. I feel humiliated & deceived again, but no one really cares about me. I sit in a room full of people and no one cares to even ask how I am. My dh thinks I'm overreacting & since the two new skids are from relationships prior to our marriage, I shouldn't be upset. But I am. I feel like they are all strangers, but worse, ignore me. I am very friendly & outgoing but feel unloved and unwanted in my own home when they're around. I've actually considered divorce because the situation obviously won't change, and next month it gets worse. I'm supposed to meet the kid who came from my dh's affair during our marriage. How much can or should a woman take?
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I'm not sure I could put up
I'm not sure I could put up with all of that. But, I guess the only one who could really answer your question is you, unfortunately. Do you both still go to counseling? Perhaps, if you don't, you should return with him. Or, perhaps, you could seek out counseling on your own.
It's not cool that DH gets defensive when you voice any concerns related to his kids, but, I can't help but wonder how he would feel if the roles could be reversed (I know how silly that might sound, to think of a woman who has children she does not know about, but, go with me on a short trip here). Would he be totally OK and accepting of it if you had had an affair and a child resulted from it? Would he be totally accepting of two kids who showed up out of the blue, one of which is only a year older than your marriage (how long have you two been together, by the way?)? I can't think of a single person I know that wouldn't have a reaction to the sudden news of "Oh, hey, here are two new kids that I never knew I had" after 17 years with a person. Spending that significant amount of time with a person only to find out something life changing like that can be jarring to say the least. When the new skids were produced isn't really the important part. I think the more important part, the part your DH is missing is that you knew things to be one way and, suddenly, they're completely different.
And, who is requesting you to meet the product of the affair? Is it DH? If so, that doesn't exactly sound fair to me. You mentioned extensive counseling and remorse saving the marriage, but, this is going to be a living breathing reminder of what happened. And I know that I would not be able to handle that.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. I really need some blunt honesty here. None of it sounds fair to me either, which is why I'm writing here. dh is going to see the new skid & I can go or not. So far, I choose not. Honestly, after all this time it would be slightly more tolerable to meet skid, & I was preparing myself for that day. But with the new skids it just brought up some old wounds. I feel like my head is going to blow up trying to keep it all straight, but dh & older skids, they just think the new family is great. I must be weird. I've been hanging in there for the sake of my bs w/dh. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do love dh & wanted to keep my family together, which is why I stayed in the marriage. I'm no spring chicken. Dating & starting over w/a different set of someone else's problems seems daunting.
He said he didn't know about the others. Can you imagine a woman not knowing how many kids she had? I have asked what he would do if the roles were reversed & of course, he says he'd accept them because that's what he wants me to do.
I'm almost embarrassed to admit that we only dated a month before we got married so the other skids came before me, for sure.
I feel like I can't handle it either, but I also feel trapped. What would you do?
I would definitely start off
I would definitely start off with counseling. That could help you work through your feelings pertaining to all these skids that are showing up. And, it could also help your DH understand why you aren't jumping up and down for joy about the whole thing. If he's willing to go with you, that's definitely a good sign. Hopefully you can both work through this and it will be something that makes your marriage stronger if that's what you want to do. If you aren't sure what you want, then counseling with the right therapist/counselor can definitely help you figure that all out.
And I really don't blame you for not wanting to go see the skid that resulted from the affair after the sudden addition of two new skids that he had no idea about. Maybe one day you will feel OK going to meet that skid. Hopefully your DH understands eventually - though I'm hoping sooner rather than later.
ok... so how did he not know
ok... so how did he not know about not one, but two other kids from the same lady? is he being truthful? i mean for her to have 2 kids with your dh, wouldn't she have had the one kid and then had a second kid with him? how could be have got her pregnant with the second kid and not known about the first? or did he know about these two kids and just keep it from you YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE MARRIAGE?!
How did the two new kids come
How did the two new kids come to light, meaning, how did he find out & why now? Why not many years ago?
I certainly feel for you. This must be extremely hard on you!! Thats enough to make anyones head spin!!!! Hes not being fair to you at all. Counseling sounds like the right path.
The ladies above covered it
The ladies above covered it all but just wanted to let u know we r all here for u and sending u lots of prayers n hugs in any decision you make. It's going to be a tough road ahead
Has he known about the 2
Has he known about the 2 other kids all these years? If he has then I would find that a total betrayal. If he had just found out about them, then that's fair enough. Your DH obviously hasnt got a good track record.
My goodness, you remind me of
My goodness, you remind me of Annette Benning and Warren Beatty lol. Your DH was quite the player back in the day but he has been faithfully married to you all these years, post-incident, so that does say something.
I can't imagine the emotional assault you must feel you are under. For one thing, why are you meeting the child of the affair? That's one relationship you should never have to pursue. This is not necessarily a healthy thing and IMO should not happen. He did that, he has responsibilities to the child but frankly, unless DH was a total lying sack of s***, the other woman knew he was married. Getting pregnant by a married man should virtually guarantee a woman is going parenting alone. Sad but hey, do not sleep with married men much less get pregnant by one.
DH's early, irresponsible choices have caused a lot of drama of which you are not really a part.
Nothing against these kids but yeah, your DH is a highly meaningful person in their lives because he is the father and they have all these half-sibs. However, opening your home to them is ridiculous. I totally support you in not having all these children in your home for happy family reunions. Dad can rent a room at a restaurant or a hotel or something.
You need more emotional protection from all this mess and keeping it out of your home is a great place to start.
I think the OP meant the two
I think the OP meant the two new additions are from two different women. You poor thing I feel for ya. Her DH has 6 kids with 4 different women. WOW I don't even know what to say to that....My question is why didn't the women tell her DH these were his kids years ago...why now all of a sudden are they contacting him?
What a fuckhead. I feel for
What a fuckhead. I feel for you. This is so wrong. My problem would be how can you trust anything else from him? Then he brings these girls around as a reminder of his infidelity (at least the one). Who knows if he really didnt know about the other girl all along. It must feel like a huge rub everytime they are around.
If it were me and i stayed in this relationship, i would just tell him to visit his mistakes elsewhere. I am not involved and he is not bringing people around me who remind me he was a cheating asshole player. What if the tables were turned? He sounds like the type who would never be able to take something like this from you, but you are supposd to eat shit and smile?
P.s. you dont HAVE to meet
P.s. you dont HAVE to meet anyone. I think you should stay out of this for your own sanity and to take care of you
Wow. Thank you all! This is
Wow. Thank you all! This is exactly what I've been feeling but my dh has the knack to turn things around in his favor and make it seem as though I'm in the wrong for denying all these kids a chance at having a new family. Here's another part of the story you won't believe -- the two new (adult) skids we discovered last year are from two different women (sluts -- oops! Did I say that?) They had DNA tests & my dh didn't tell me for 6 months about them. One came out last January & one in February. Just bad timing. In both situations, apparently, the mother's didn't tell them for whatever reason who their father was. One of them got married last year & wanted my dh to walk her down the isle. So that's why she came out. The other one apparently heard via a grandmother. And yes, the woman who had an affair w/my dh during our marriage definitely knew he was married at the time. I did something I probably shouldn't have & called her shortly after I found out about their affair. She actually said "what did you expect?" My dh is a prominent member of the community & very charming. Women melt around him.
We have been to counseling together a couple times, & it's almost useless. My dh says all the right things to the therapist & again, I come out as almost the bad guy for not opening my heart & home to these kids who only want a relationship (& perhaps $$ -- oops did I say that?) from their bf.
feels good to get that off my chest. Thank you for listening.
Oh hell no. He knew about
Oh hell no. He knew about this for months and kept it from you?
Please please please please take a day or two to gather your thoughts and plan an exit strategy. This man has no repsect for you or your marrige. None. You deserve better.
Ah. So the kids have good
Ah. So the kids have good reason to seek out and want to have an acknowledged relationship with their biological father. He sounds like John Edwards.
Yeah, I think this is just the kind of person he is, you either accept it and the relationship or you get out. I'm sorry but he sounds like the kind of guy who hasn't been keeping it in his pants and probably never will.
Very John Edwards-esque.
Very John Edwards-esque. Every time I hear anything about that sleaze bag I feel the need to shower. Ewwwwww...
He's either a psychopath
He's either a psychopath (look it up) or a typical politician.
Seriously, they learn to turn things around on other people. Maybe you should consider your options. And once again, NO you don't have to have anything to do with his past indiscretions. Start reading about assertiveness and get counseling on your own. Not couples. YOURS. You need to learn how to defend against these manipulation tactics.
If my husband did that to me
If my husband did that to me I cannot imagine the homicidal rage that would ensue. His story would have been featured on the TV show "Snapped".
You are much better than I am Danielle and for your husband to pretend that you should just accept this new revelation as "hunky dory" is ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.
wow, this should be a movie!
wow, this should be a movie! not only did he have an affair, but he had kids he knew about for 6 months and didn't tell you about them? how can you possibly trust him after that? just saying if it was me i would at least separate from dh for a while, gather my thoughts, and see what else is out there in the world. does your bio kid know about any of this? i wouldn't stay together for your kid... if you do your setting an example that this is ok behavior from a spouse and the kid well be in similar relationships. would you tell your kid to stay in a relationship like this?
oh btw,i don't care who your
oh btw,i don't care who your husband is in the community... you don't deserve this. marriage is about trust, love, respect... and i don't see any of those things here. your dh has some big balls if he just expects you to accept these kids and be one big happy family doesn't sound like he respects you at all, your opinion, or your feelings! you can do better than this!
My guess would be not force
My guess would be not force them on her.
He just wants me to include
He just wants me to include the new skids in family get-togethers. They're actually pretty nice people, but I feel as if it's "them" vs "me". Often times I just sit there and no one speaks to me. I've brought that up to dh & pointed out specific situations he excluded me from conversations. As always, he says he'll change. he feels guilty and is trying to make up for lost time & money, fully supporting one of them who is, are you ready -- a stripper! She's smart though. She actually put together a power point presentation on how $2000/month of dh's $$ would prevent her from stripping and send her to college.
I wish I was making this up. I'd consider writing a book or movie about it, but who would believe it?
Yes, bs knows about it. At first he was disgusted. I feel badly that he has to have a bf like that. The only good that's come out of it is I used the opportunity to talk to him about "protection".
I do think dh has changed, or I wouldn't still be with him. No woman should have to endure this.
There can be inner family and
There can be inner family and larger family get togethers. Inner family - you, DH, BS and perhaps the two girls who have been around forever and forever.
Larger family get togethers - held at a cool local restaurant in a private room where you can make a perfunctory appearance and then graciously excuse yourself.
He seems quite proud of his growing collection of adult children, really does the guy have no shame about having all this kids outside of marriage and the kids coming to light years and years later?
you believe he's changed
you believe he's changed what?! you believe there's no more secret children of his out there, or that he's done having affairs? by you staying with him what do you suppose it's teaching your son? i get that you're going it teaches him marriage is forever, but it's also teaching him how to treat women.
what is your husbands excuse for not telling you about the kid for 6 months? this was after he he an affair on you.... how long did it take him to tell you about the affair? or did you find out and confront him about it?
honestly i don't see why your husband would respect you, and i don't mean that in a offensive rude way! he had an affair... you stayed, he had a kid he love about and kept from you for 6 months, again you stayed.
so my question's are: what was his reasoning in keeping the cold secret for 6 months? how did you learn about the affair? how did you learn about the other kid? why would you expect him to respect how you feel about being around these kids of his?
I believe he only told me
I believe he only told me about his affair because the woman got pregnant. Otherwise he would have tried to skate by. Who knows if there are more? If there are, I know I'm outta here & he knows that. I'm gaining strength to leave by the day. Having the opportunity to talk about this openly here really helps. Thank you.
He didn't tell me about the new skids because I had some health issues & "the timing wasn't right". Trust me, I know that's bs (& not biological son!)
I like the idea about the inner/outter circle family get togethers, step misery.
You all are spot on. Thank you for your brutal honesty -- especially newwife3. Been thinking that too.... :O
Honey, you need to RUN (not
Honey, you need to RUN (not walk) out that door and leave him far behind in your dust. He does not deserve you. NOR do you deserve the crap he's trying to make you swallow.
Thank you. Unfortunately, I
Thank you. Unfortunately, I agree.
Yes, unfortunately, I agree.
Yes, unfortunately, I agree.