How do you love your stepkids?
Is it possible to have a happy marriage with my husband and healthy relstionship with sd without loving her? I try and start to create a good relationship and then she disrespects me, lies to me throws a fit etc. I know shes a kid (10) but I just dont have that parental unconditional love for her. Will that eventually happen? and what do I do when we have our own kids which is sooner than later? How do you love your kid and a stepkid equally?
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She's a kid and needs to
She's a kid and needs to learn how to behave properly.
You can have a decent marriage if you don't "love" SD, but I'd fancy a bet that your marriage will be tenuous at best if you can't find a way to "like" her and be patient with her.
It's very possible you won't love your skid as much as bios. I happen to love my SD21 as I do my bios, but many people on here don't believe it.
They insist it's impossible.
Good to know theres hope! How
Good to know theres hope! How old was she when you got married? Did you struggle with her at first? I feel like shes fighting everthing about me. I know its a big transition for her but im trying to learn how to deal with everything and dont think im doing very well.
She was 4. She wasn't
She was 4.
She wasn't terribly challenging at that age, but it increased into the teens (UGHHH) and then mellowed out, much like the rise and fall of a bio child relationship.
You will have a challenging time because SD is already halfway grown. She is going to get MORE annoying because she's going to be heading into her teens.
My best advice to you is this: Let her father handle the heavy work of "parenting" her. For your part, work on the relationship between you and SD. Spend time with her. (I always suggest short periods so you don't get tired of each other. One cross word can erase months of "getting along.") LISTEN to her. I believe that adults often don't listen well to others... but especially kids. We downplay their feelings and how strongly they feel them.
It takes an enormous amount of patience. Stepping has to be the hardest, most thankless job on the planet.
BTW, you may get a lot of comments on this site that aren't helpful in building the relationship. This site is for venting, which means most people don't like/get along with their steps.
I have two adult steps with current DH (not the SD mentioned earlier) and we do NOT get along. That's why I'm here.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your advice! Ive known my sd since she was 6 & we were really close until we got engaged a year ago and then married 2 weeks ago just cuased more issues. And your right alot of the feedback on here is just venting and amger. I really want to be close with her again and be a family. I think when you make the choice to marry a father you marry the child...for better or worse. were just doing it backwards so got to figure out how to make it through the worse to the better! Its sure not easy. Amazes me how a 10 year old can hurt me. my husband says its just part of being a parent but not having any kids of my own I dont know how to handle that.
The question you should be
The question you should be asking is why do you think you are supposed to love her with parental unconditional love. Why do you have these expectations of yourself? Why would you believe you should love your kid and a stepkid equally?
Sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Read the book, stepmonster.
Its ok if you don't have unconditional love for a step child
I guess Ive never looked at
I guess Ive never looked at it that way. maybe because her mom isnt there for her I feel like I need to be and treat her the same as if she was mine. I guess I thought I was a bad person if I dont. Going out to buy the book this afternoon! Tha.ks!!!
I can understand that. At the
I can understand that. At the same time, if you put too much pressure on yourself it will only cause strain.
For some, it happens quickly, for others it happens over a long period of time. For the rest of us, it never happens and its ok. As long as they are treated as they should be and as they deserve, you are doing ok.
Keep in mind that the fits and the disrespect are also a result of whatever your DH/SO is allowing. Just don't ever allow yourself to be a doormat or disrespected. You are allowed to stick up for yourself even if the bio parent doesn't.
Marinated in a raspberry
Marinated in a raspberry balsamic viniagrette, served with steamed vegetables over rice.
They are less than redeeming little people thanks to their mothers.
How do you love your
How do you love your stepkids?
"Marinated in a raspberry balsamic viniagrette, served with steamed vegetables over rice."
I prefer with fava beans and a nice chianti
Why on earth do you think you
Why on earth do you think you need to love her? It's absolutely possible to have healthy relationships with people we don't love.
I loved my SKids from the
I loved my SKids from the moment I met them, they just made 10 and were adoreable twins boy and girl. Three years in the hell on wheels started roll. I sincerely hope that it's what they call now a 'phase' and they come out of it intact.
I disengaged to preserve my own sanity. The dynamic has now shifted since SS 18 moved back in and it's horrendous! I will survive, so might he, and I have already spoken to DH on the issue and SS 18 is on thin ice with everyone. I have to say that I heard boys mature somewhere about four years after girls, so SS 18 is just going into his teenage years now, his twin sister did the 13 - 17 hell on wheels thing so another two years...OMG!
You shouldn't expect yourself
You shouldn't expect yourself to love your SD and your biokids the same. In all likelihood, that will never happen. Most love is not unconditional. Don't give yourself the added stress of trying to force yourself to love SD. You can like her, or maybe just tolerate her, but don't force feelings that aren't there. You'll only end up feeling bitter, angry, or resentful.
Good way to look at it! This
Good way to look at it! This really helps!
Dear Jlynn86, I can feel
I can feel you..but the fact that you wish to have parental unconditional love for her is such noble of you. I have been in your position and I totally know how it feels. And trust me, only God can put such impossible love. If you wish to love them, keep praying them. Because its impossible, but to God, and God only, its possible.
You may wish to get more tips from here.
http://expertscolumn.com/content/how-love-your-stepkids