We’ve been having an ongoing battle with SS(11, turns 12 this summer) over the phone and calling BM and BM’s relatives who all live in another country with a 10 hour time difference.

How do other families handle this? SS is with us full time, there’s no phone time in the CO and the time difference makes it so difficult to find a time when everyone is available.

When he first came to live with us full time earlier this year, DH and I were pretty accommodating due to the situation and let him call BM whenever he wanted to so he would be less anxious over what was happening. But that racked up a huge phone bill. BM doesn’t have a cell phone, doesn’t have a job and is living with various relatives. Sometimes its hard to track her down. She can’t afford to help pay for any of this.

After a few months of monster international long distance bills, DH said it had to stop and told BM that she needs to have access to a computer with Skype, to call us on Sunday mornings (our time, which works with her time) and SS and her can have a weekly call. DH also mandated that he has to be present for the calls, since he wants to know what is going on and that all calls need to be English so he can understand what’s being said and also because if BM wants to insist on using one-parent-one-language then in his house it’s English. (this woman refused to speak English at all to SS in her home to “protect” her native language.)

But SS got in the habit of getting up in the middle of the night and calling BM or ending up calling around trying to find her and talking to other relatives. These weren’t quick 5 minute calls. SS would sometimes talk for over an hour. BM and her relatives knew he was doing this, knew what time it was for him and didn’t put a stop to it. They just kept talking and racking up huge bills. Once we saw the phone bills, DH put an end to it by taking the cordless phone from downstairs into our room when we went to bed. Then SS started using my cell phone without permission in the middle of the night to call. I was absolutely livid and now both DH and I have blocked international calls completely on our cell phones.

The problem with SS is that he’s incredibly stubborn and he has to have it his way or else he gives up and won’t do anything. When he doesn’t get what he wants, he refuses to cooperate. Now that DH has stopped his late night phone calls and is enforcing the rules with the Skype calls, SS is refusing to talk to BM on Skype.

He wouldn’t come downstairs for this morning’s call and BM went completely off on DH about what’s been going on. Then DH got pissed off and yelled at SS, but that never does any good.

We were suppose to go to a birthday party this afternoon, but that’s off now. Probably all of our Memorial Day plans will be ruined because SS is hunkering down in his room refusing to leave.

I don’t have any idea how to fix this situation or if there even is a solution. DH and BM have a very high conflict relationship (they were never married and they truly hate each other). It’s not helping that SS is spending every day waiting to hear what’s going in with all of his BM’s problems. She’s always told him absolutely everything that was going on. We’ve tried to tell him that he needs to just let the adults deal with their issues and if something happens with his BM’s situation that he needs to know about, then she can tell DH and DH can tell him.

His therapist has said he should have the ability to have constant phone contact with BM, but that’s not practical (with the time difference, especially on school days) and how that is a constant disruption to our family.

At this point, SS is going to be staying with us for the foreseeable future. There’s no way SS can live with his BM the way her life is. SS wants to stay in the US and not move overseas but also wants his BM to come back here, which isn’t going to happen. The more phone contact he has with his BM, the less he’s going to come to terms with with his BM living overseas and him living with us.