Help disengaging when DH won't step up
I’ve been trying to disengage from my SS(11) who lives with us full time but the big issue is DH not stepping up. I feel completely taken advantage of and unappreciated.
SS barely acknowledges I exist. I can be looking straight at him talking and he walks away like I’m not there. My DH has been working crazy hours and he’s paid on commission. Between work, our two kids (9mos and 3.5) and SS, there’s no time, and I’m the one getting dumped on dealing with SS getting in trouble at school, taking him to appointments and dealing with his issues. All for a kid who hates me and honestly, I don’t like him.
I decided last month that I’m not going to even try to do anything for him. No parenting at all, no cleaning up after him, no doing his laundry, no hassling him about doing his homework or taking a shower. I no longer care what he does, what he wears, what he smells like or if he fails school. Not my kid, not my problem.
I thought this would send a message to DH, but he does nothing to help. It seems like every morning lately, DH gets up and leaves by 7am. If I say anything about him doing something, like packing SS’s lunch, he makes an excuse like “I have a meeting at 8“ and dumps it on me.
What do I do? Send SS to school without a lunch or lunch money? My mom is a teacher in this school district. Everyone at SS’s school knows her. He can’t be the kid without lunch. That reflects badly on me and my family not just DH.
I’ve tried telling DH that he’s the one that needs to take SS to appointments and he can’t expect me to drop everything and take him. SS has missed 2 therapy appointments this month, hasn’t done any of the homework his therapist assigned in his workbook for the past 3weeks and has a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. If I don’t take him, he’s not going to go. DH said he was going to reschedule because he has a sales meeting he can’t miss.
SS is turning 12 this summer so he’s old enough to clean his own room, pack his own lunch and help me around the house. But won’t do anything and I’m sick of it.
When DH get home at night, there’a a long list of problems with SS and he’s pissed off and we have no time together or time with our kids.
I don’t know how we can keep going like this if I stay disengaged but I also don’t know how I can continue living like this if I’m constantly being dumped on and having to deal with SS.
- Invisible Woman's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm worried about the Child
I'm worried about the Child Welfare Department showing up at our door about why SS doesn't have food at lunch. SS hasn't been eating very well and has lost weight since his mom left. So him not eating is a problem. He's been a little better lately but the problem is that not eating isn't any sort of motivation for him. He doesn't care.
What does your therapist say
What does your therapist say about all of this?
I haven’t asked his therapist
I haven’t asked his therapist specifically about disengaging. My guess is she wouldn’t encourage it, but she doesn’t have to live with this kid.
All he’s working on with him is coping skills and expressing his feelings, nothing that is going to help his behavior. If I thought that going would improve the situation, I’d take him, but he isn’t getting any better and I don’t believe it will.
My DS has made his lunch
My DS has made his lunch since he was 8. DH's kid can do it himself or get DH to give him money the night before.
I wish I could just tell him
I wish I could just tell him he's making his own lunch and he'd do it, but he won't. Any time I try to explain something to him, he acts like he’s deft blind and dumb and ignores me.
He won’t do anything I say nor will he do much of anything his dad says.
Considering the way he is, I'm so worried about what other people will think like his teachers. Most people assume he's either a kid we've only recently adopted or he is autistic (neither is true).
Have DH or SS make the lunch
Have DH or SS make the lunch the night before and put it in the fridge.
Problem of a rushed morning solved, if the bread is soggy and the kid doesnt like it, he will learn to make his own sandwhich in the mornings.
As long as you have food in
As long as you have food in the house and can demonstrate that SS12 has access and was told to make himself lunch, CPS isn't going to do anything. Put up a chart outlining your expectations of him (clean his room, do his laundry, make his lunch), when CPS shows up, show them the chart and tell them you have no ability to make him do those things since neither of his parents make him.
That’s completely
That’s completely off-the-mark. My DH is fantastic with our kids and our marriage was very strong until all these problems with SS happened and I’m not going to let SS ruin my marriage.
If I could send SS to live with his BM, I would. Unfortunately, that isn't an option right now.
Well, first off disengaging
Well, first off disengaging is about keeping your frustrations down NOT expecting that you can change others' behavior. If you have told your SO you are not going to do something, then don't do it. Your actions are telling him, "oh she'll still do it" so he won't take care of his kid. Don't go in to disengaging to get someone else to do something the way you want. Do it to take care of yourself.
If SS doesn't go to therapy appts, that's dads and SS's problem. No lunch? Dad or SS's problem. SS should be able to make a pb&J for himself. If he can't, I guess he doesn't eat.
The problem here is you are still emotionally engaged. You want things to still go the way YOU want them to and they aren't going to. You have decided to no longer engage. These tasks are going to get done unless you do them, then I guess they don't get done.
Remember, we can't make people do what we want, we can only control how people treat us.
I'm not emotionally engaged
I'm not emotionally engaged to SS. I couldn't care less if he does or doesn't go to therapy or have lunch but I am still emotionally engaged to the rest of my family. I don't want his teachers judging me and having that reflect back on me or my mom (who is a teacher in this school district). When my kids go to that school, I don't want his teachers to remember their half-brother as the weird antisocial kid who never had a lunch, bullied the other kids and had all sorts of problems.
I have absolutely no ability to control anything SS does or how he treats me. He's oblivious to everything. There's no consequence or punishment that phases him. He doesn't care.