I guess that depends. Will she be taking over duties from your XH that involve school?

Some of us SMs end up being stuck with the homework and school crap from the skids. So I guess if she is the one that has to do all of that 50% of the time...

If she is going because she is just insecure, she likely won't say anything and you can ignore her.

My XHs wife doesn't come to anything like that - it would be weird for me and frankly she doesn't do anything which I am TOTALLY fine with because it should be my XH who does stuff for his kids, not her - so I guess I am lucky that way.

I totally see your point - I would be telling her to mind her own beeswax to some degree if she isn't really on a participation basis.

I'll be interested to see the posts.

So let me ask you this.....

If your child is with their father 50% of the time, that means she is with your child 50% of the time. Maybe she has questions or concerns about school work? Maybe she wants to be involved in your child's life. Is there something wrong with her wanting to be apart of your child's life? Is there something wrong with her thoughts or ideas in regards to making life better for your child?

I would be a raging horrible golden uterous BM so thankfully my daughter's sperm donor is an absentee dad and basically acts like a sperm donor.

I would be very unhappy about her being there. She is not a parent and she isn't even his wife. Does she help your kids with their homework or will she? Will she be responsible for any aspect of their schooling that merits her going to this meeting? This is something you and your ex need to discuss. Is this woman someone you want your child getting help from? I have a friend who has gone to college but cannot spell, has terrible grammar and to top it off uses the wrong words even when speaking. It's sounds like she doesn't know their meanings and think they mean something else. I would not want her to help my child with her homework. You need to figure out a polite way to let your ex know that you and he have not discussed her being a full parent with the right to make decisions on your child's schooling and future.

Now if she is going because your ex doesn't give her the full story of what went on, say your son needs extra math help but overall he is good and ex tells future wife that teacher said he is great overall and doesn't mention math then I can see her wanting to be there. Of course that means she will be the one helping him with homework.

It's most likely she will want to be there to keep you separated and make sure you know he is with her. You can try to politely tell xh that is why she is going and he needs to leave her at home or try the backdoor approach of we haven't discussed how involved she will be.

Overall I don't think its her place to be there. For what my opinion is worth.

I attended parent conferences, why wouldn't I?

How many of us would feel different about our sk, our relationships if we were allowed to be truly involved. Their existence impacts our life as much as ours impacts theirs.

By dividing, by being uninvolved we have established that we don't care. I would rather have a SM that was involved, and WANTED to be a part of my daughters life than one that didn't care.

Just saying

It is weird. Parent teacher conferences should be just the 2 parents. The more that attend the harder for everyone involved. Ultimatley, it is the bio-parents that make the decisions regarding education. The steps should support those decisions. This should not become a case were 2 vs. 1 wins. Any input the step mom has can be giving outside of a conference. Personally, I don't think her being there will even make the teacher comfortable.
If she is insecure, she is most likely going for that reason though. She may have issues with you talking to your ex in a room by yourselves.

I would personally not have a problem with the SM going. Let me explain why, as our circumstances are rather similar.

My ex husband & I have done a really good job at co-parenting our little girl (8). Since our divirce (in 2008) we truly have put our differences aside, and we came up with a very amicable system. We try to always make decisions based on what is her best interests. Not my best interests or his. I find that our little girl is a very well rounded and loved little girl. Sadly my DH & BM are still not at that place (bm is truly hard to deal with, selfish and has that Golden Uterus concept down pact). DHs boys (8,10,13) are not so well rounded!! Poor grades, entitlement issues galore, social issues & some deep emotional issues!!!

I feel sad for mySSs. I see my daughter thriving!!! She has tons of friends, good grades, morals, values, etc etc.

I truly feel the difference between my SSs & my little girl is probably 90% the way we raise her!!! The boys are not being raised the same way. I thank God & yes, my ex as well every day for how we are raising her and I pray hard for my SSs!!!!

My point here is this: why mess with a great thing for your child?? Your ex & you have decided to co parent together, and for the most part, amicably. You moved on and remarried, yet you stayed as amicable with your ex, to raise your child. Now he is remarrying... Now its up to You to keep it that way. So what is the SM is insecure about things. Not really your issue, its his. BUT. You see this all the time, where the SM feels left out of things that DO matter to her, that DO matter to thier household. Like it or not, she is now part of your childs life, and quite often too. My point is let her go to the conference, sporting events, etc. Keep this SM involved, she IS involved in your childs life! Ive been to enough conferences to know, its really no big deal. My DH girs with me, and we meet up with my ex there. We are all highly involved, and ya know what? I like it this way!!! We are all informed and are all on the same page. Theres NO drama this way!!!

Let the SM attend. Trust me, she knows this is your kid, and you are the BM. I highly doubt she is trying to step on anyones toes. Look at it this way, if another woman is going to be that involved with your child, dint you want her to Love your child? The way we all see it here, our little girl is better off with a group of people who love her. I personally WANT my little girls soon to be stepmom to not only get aling with her, but to also care about her education as well. If shes at my exes house, atleast I know we are on the same page & that they are helping her with her math & wtiting,etc. plz allow this SM to love your child enough to help them thru school as well as help them when sick, upset etc.
Id let the SM go. & with time hopefully this new SM will no longer feel insecure and will confidentally help your child thru life !

I used to attend ss's pt conferences. Of course, if I hadnt noone would have been present!

i think it just depends on the individual situation. I have no nasty bm lurking around my kids-but if they for whatever reason had a kind, involved sm then I hope i would be able to recognize that and allow her input. If she was some hussy he met 2 weeks ago-then no, that wouldnt be appropriate. I think you just need to judge your individual situation. If you are not comfortable with her being there-I'd just say so-perhaps they could schedule their own conference if it were that important for her to attend.

I attend conferences with DF. BM hates it, but there isn't a darn thing she can do about it.

Here conferences are scheduled for 3 hours in the afternoon and 3 hours at night. You walk in and meet with the teachers when you can.

BM tends to go in the afternoon. Since the kids have a 1/2 on conference day, it's easier for her go to right up to the class when she picks up SD. DF and I go in the evening when he gets off work.

OP, do you know if the teacher would be willing to to give you another time slot?

As a SM, I attended conferences. The teachers never had an issue scheduling two, so BM went to one, and we went to the other.

Now, I'm glad XH is MIA. I'm not sure I'd be as ok with it. Especially if SM wasn't just "seen and not heard."
But I am a VERY involved parent.

The only reason I ever got involved w/SD's schooling was because after lying for years that 'SD was on the honor roll', yeah, right! we found out she was failing and in danger of being held back a year.

BM immediately changed her tune to, It is DH's fault, he is not a dad to her, blah blah, even though she made damn sure he could not have a say in anything about the child - he actually moved in order to be able to keep a job without her harrassing him and his employer, friends, family, etc., spreading lies, etc.

It really pissed me off that she AND SD used DH as their excuse for letting SD lay out of school for any excuse and tell the lie of her being on honor roll that he trusted, so I did get involved - and shut their ass up-!!!

ex. they said she needs to go to the million dollar tutor school, I looked online and saw there was free tutoring right there are her school?? Ha ha, BM hated me-!!

Also BM insisted SD was special needs all of the sudden, well DH then requested testing for that, and special accomodations until they had to admit, there was not a damn thing wrong with SD'! bwa ha ha ha ha ha

But if you are saying there have been no problems like this, no accusations of this is one of her parent's fault, then yes it is weird that she would go. But if you can find it in you to embrace the stepmom, maybe she will not feel threatened going forward.? tall order, I know though!

Ok, I didn't read ALL of the responses, but this is how we handle it.

I am the one that handles all things school related in our household. I register them, help with HW, everything down to making lunches is me.

BM is very hands off. She likes to put on the MOTY show, but when it comes down to brass tacks she is worthless and has to come and ask me when it comes to anything of importance. I am talking- what size show does he wear? What level book is he reading, what are his grades looking like? Everything, she has to ask me (if she cares to ask at all). She just doesn't know.

So, yes when it is a "parent meeting" I go, and I have a voice in it. The first time it really bothered her, but when she realized that I am the one that takes care of those things FOR HER, she backed down. She has been given every opportunity to be a mom, if she doesn't want to step up, I WILL. That's all there is to it.

In your situation, I would likely feel the same as you do... what are her intensions? They have a mom. There are situations where it is understandable, and situations where it is just NOT NEEDED.

I attend everything because the decisions make affect me and my household. I am the one that helps with homework every day, so the information exchanged at conferences is pertinent to me.

I have 7 children between my 2, our 2, and his 3. We have full custody of 6 of the 7, and 50/50 of SD5. The BMs would have to be very self absorbed to think I had time to attend anything to make my presence known. I attend sporting events and conferences because I am responsible for making sure practices are attended and homework is done, kids have clean clothes to go to school in, etc. Maybe it's just my overinflated opinion of myself, but I feel like since I'm good enough to potty train them, wipe their noses and bums, buy and wash their clothes, buy their groceries, cook their meals, wash their dishes, help paint dioramas for their science projects, and drive them to and from every practice and extracurricular under the sun, I can show up for some of the fun stuff too, like state meets, awards ceremonies, and graduations.

Just because only the two of you are parents doesn't mean you are the only two parenting your child.

I do not agree with the above at all!!! My DH & I AND my EX are very imvolved in my daughters school. I know a few others just like our situation, are also highly involvd with the school. In fact, the tracher knows to contact us all to help out when needed

I pethaps will say, that SOME situations surely can add stress to the schiol, teacher and children whose parents have shared cusody/whatever..,, but I highly think these ate ones who are in High Conflict!!! Dh & Bm have high conflict still, and like I said, I feel bad for my SSs because of it (bm).

There ARE situations like mine, where me, dh & my ex can co parent my daughter AND be sn asset to the school, teacher, but most importantly my DD8. It can be done!! But you have to put your differences aside & really devote yourself to the child, not your personally.

I attend parent teacher conferences as an NCP & CP Stepmom. My SD has an IEP and required extra assistance with school work. As the one who knows the most about the system, I wanted to make sure she got what she needed and was entitled to from the school district.

I totally agree with Ripley. This is a good thread, it gets & gives different view points!! I fogot to ask, in the OPs situation, does the soon to be stepmom have kids of her own? If so, do they attend the same school?

Our Bm loves to say that Im insecure all the time. I do alot with my DH as a team. Ive been accused at times, by BM thinking Im so insecure that I need be there for everything. Truth is, my DH works a demanding job, and we both relax & unwind & catch up with each other on our 2 hr trips to pick up the Skids. So Um usually there with DH at pick ups & drop offs. It has zero to do with "needing to be there" everytime the two of them come in contact. Shes off-base a whole lot most if the time.

I truly care about my skids & my Dh wants me there and to be a part of everything that involves our life, whether it be for DD8 or the skids. Just saying, you may be perceiving things differently then they are. DH cant stand to be near BM at sporting events and he will even say come over here, I dont wanna stand/sit by her. Lol. Im not at all insecure when it comes to BM or their past, but she sure wants to think it. I actually feel sad & sorry for the woman. Her hate & spitefulness towards my DH has consumed too much of her & she tries to PAS the kids to both DH & myself. Truth is, I dont think she knows how to truly love anyone else, shes broken.

Really, what's the problem if she just wants to be there to claim her territory? Heck, I'd be more happy about that if I had no feelings for my ex, than about another woman wanting to influence my son's education lol