25SD GRAD SCHOOL.... I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!!
SD 25 started Grad School this past year. My DH told both of his kids that he would pay for college but further education was up to them. So, SD goes straight to Grad School. The first year she takes out a loan and hopes for a GA for the second.
We have helped her with money through out this year because " She is a girl and needs it" words from my DH.
Now she says even if she gets the GA she will still need 15K. So what does DH say...... "Well you have come so far we do not want you to stop now. We will pay for that!"
He did not ever consult with me he just told her this!
Now we are not talking and apparently it is all my fault.
Are you freakin kidding me!!
O, I forgot the best part... a few months ago I said we need to start saving for my BS16 college... DH says " I need to worry about retirement we can not pay for college"..
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Hmm. Hand him some monopoly
Hmm. Hand him some monopoly money and tell him that's your contribution to the 15k.
So he (you both?) paid for
So he (you both?) paid for both his kids undergraduate and now some of her grad school, but he has the balls to tell you that your son is on his own for college? That's some F-ed up stuff right there.
Did you contribute through joint finances to his kids college? Is BS his kid as well, or just yours?
I have 2 sons from prior
I have 2 sons from prior marriage.
He has a boy and girl from prior marriage.
I met him during his kids last 3 years of college and so yes I helped.
If you helped, you should
If you helped, you should recoup your funds.
^^^ I would be so pissed off
^^^ I would be so pissed off if my DH had done that
I can somewhat relate to your situation as my MIL dared to challenge my not paying for SS17's college living expenses. I responded that I paid for my living expenses while I was in college and that my own daughter paid or earned scholarships to pay for her own living expenses while she was away at college. I told her that if I did not do this for my own biological child, what made her think that SS17 is so special that he was entitled to me doing this for him?
I have said for quite some
I have said for quite some time she only continues because she is afraid of the real world... She is getting Sports Psychology degree but then plans to continue after she completes her Grad program.
I am just so sick of the "she is a girl" comment!!
He flew up there Monday so he could drive her back for the summer. They will not be back until Thurs. and I am enjoying the break.
After our argument last night I texted him and said
Me: Do not contact me anymore tonight
DH: Was not planning on it!!
Me: Of course not you are to busy kissing your daughters ass and playing guilt daddy!
No response
...I paid for my living
...I paid for my living expenses while I was in college and that my own daughter paid or earned scholarships to pay for her own living expenses while she was away at college...
Last time I checked, my daughter and I were both girls and both of us worked our way through college while in engineering programs. There is something to be said about how something is valued when it is obtained through hard work and sacrifice instead it being handed to you.
Maybe both of you need to
Maybe both of you need to remove the WE when it comes to paying for college.
Let him pay for his daughter and you start saving for your son.
That'd be a great solution if
That'd be a great solution if she hadn't already contributed to three years of his kids' college and hers haven't even started yet.
As soon as he accepted her money to pay for his kids college, he became obilgated to help with hers. Not right to back out now, now that his kids have their degrees and leave her flapping in the wind. Had she known this would be how he would act, I'm sure she would have put all that money into an account for her own kids instead of helping Dh's
Sorry, didn't mean a legal
Sorry, didn't mean a legal obligation. I meant a moral obligation. He had to know full well that if she was contributing that she was under the impression that it would be reciprocal.
Didn't see that post til
Didn't see that post til after I had posted.
if this was the other way
if this was the other way around and he paid for her kids schooling and now she won't help him, you wouldn't see that as a "gift". you would be all over her about how she OWES him. doesn't matter what anyone says, you just want to argue. i'm really sorry that your life is so sad.
Exactally Peanut!!! my DH
Exactally Peanut!!!
my DH makes decent money. A year and a half ago I was able to quit working so I could volunteer at the Animal Rescue so, now he feels he can make all the decisions when it comes to money.
Honestly the only thing we ever fight about is kids!!!!
Yes, I do get CS for my two
Yes, I do get CS for my two kids which is added to OUR household. And, is $1500 a month!
I am also the person who is solely responsible for all the finances, cleaning, washing, etc in our home. So WE support EACH other
Actually, there are only 3 of
Actually, there are only 3 of us in the household. My 19yr old moved out and is working full time.
Just so you know I also help my husband with his business and volunteer. I DO pull my weight. I am sorry if you only feel that way if there is a paycheck included!!!!
My CS stayed the same even
My CS stayed the same even after my oldest turned 18..
You seem like a very negative and nasty person that I do not have to explain myself to.
How about I give you $5 and you can go play somewhere else.... that way you have a paycheck and will feel good about yourself.
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
exactly, nf. you DON'T have
exactly, nf. you DON'T have to explain yourself. it doesn't matter what you say anyway, she/he will continue to argue and make less and less sense the further it goes on. don't even respond to it anymore.
She told him she had to go to
She told him she had to go to certain schools in order to get her degree. So, not only is she milking the going to school thing but is doing it out of state.
HRNYC, just so you are aware.
HRNYC, just so you are aware. I did not quit working in order to be supported!!
I DO support the household and do everything that needs to be done in the household.
My job required a lot of travel and would interfere with my husbands schedule so HE asked me to be a stay at home wife!!!
I also came into the relationship with money did not need anyone to take care of me.
And, yes when he married me he knew I had two kids to raise as well. He said we would do that together.
My boys father will be paying for half of their college.
I see. So their father pays
I see. So their father pays half, and your DH pays half. Where is your responsibility as their other parent???
It sounds like he shares the
It sounds like he shares the opinion of many SPs when it comes to paying for SKs college educations.
I love my 4 SKs but there's no way in hell I'll help them pay for college.
Your husband should at least be man enough to refund the money you put into your SKs education.
I can see myself being in
I can see myself being in this exact same situation in a few years. The skids are much older than my BIOS (dhs BIOS too). I can easily see it being a joint venture when his kids are in college, but when my kids come of age him being burnt out on it that he refuses to help, our savings will be drained or being so maxed out on loans that my kids will get the shit end of the stick.
It sucks having to be the one to contribute based on faith and the hope he will be fair and reciprocate when its time.
He wouldn't be retired when
He wouldn't be retired when my (our) kids get to college..... But being disabled is a possibilty (health issues).
I can see him wanting to be the knight in shining armor for SD, like the OP, and wanting to do everything he can and completely draining/straining us (not sure if SS will ever get it together and be college material). But not having those same feelings for the little boys when the time comes, after 4 years of paying for SD.
It just sucks that I have to either help with the skids on faith, when I really don't think he will hold up his fair share down the road. OR I have to be the bitch first and draw a line in the sand a say that I won't help the skids at all.
He just less motivated with the younger kids..... A been there done that attitude.
Well, he doesn't pay for
Well, he doesn't pay for anything now, so I don't really expect him to magically start in the future.
We split household stuff 50/50, and daycare is split 50/50 (even for the skids) but he doesn't pay for any clothes, extra curriculars, classes, gifts, weekend stuff for any of the kids. All of that falls on me, or it doesn't get done.
So my fear is that he will see it as a necesity for the princess.... But an extra for the little boys.
I agree Peanut! Also, if he
I agree Peanut! Also, if he would of stuck with the plan of only helping with college and not further education we would be OK..
I am more hurt that we do so great until SD plays his guilt and he does not look at our plans.
I think that your DH leaves
I think that your DH leaves you no choice, but to go back to work.
LOL. They sure do don't they!
LOL. They sure do don't they! I bet BM has more say so over this guys finances and daughters college than the OP.
You must not work. I was a
You must not work.
I was a stepmother, SAHM for a decade plus. I've been there, done that. If you are a SAHP, you have no money. Plain and simple. You have what the earner ALLOWS you to have.
It's not "my" world. It's
It's not "my" world. It's just the world. YOU have no money. You pay no taxes. You contribute nothing to SS. If DH divorces you and bails, you're SOL. Whatever assets get split in half aren't likely to last the rest of your life (unless you're a Kardashian.)
That's just the way it works.
I was a SAHM with a DH who made a solid 6 figure income. Been there, done that. I just never had this entitled "what's his is mine" attitude. And I SURE as hell wouldn't have that attitude when it came to children that weren't his!
Christmas was a charitable
Christmas was a charitable donation, and last year was the first. NO, I wouldn't be pissed, because that is DH's money and he is free to spend it as he chooses.
We are EQUALS in this life. I sure as hell am NOT going to tell him what and who he can spend HIS hard earned dollars on.
And DH IS paying for BOTH of their colleges.
Hells, no. They can't even
Hells, no. They can't even pass the lower division stuff. }:) They're both in "vocational" schools now.
Thank you StepAside you said
Thank you StepAside you said it perfectly!
No fairytale...I cannot
No fairytale...I cannot imagine expecting my DH to pay for my children's college expenses. That is MY responsibility (and their BF's.) I do not collect CS, but I do work.
He is paying for his kids' college, and I will pay for mine. (I already have one in college.) I can't for the life of me figure out why you think your DH is respoonsible for funding your kids. ??
I was a SAHM for a number of years. I'm not knocking that.
HOWEVER, it is really far-reaching to expect what you do. If you want to save for college, set aside some of the CS and get a job. Even part time. Funnel that $$ into a college account.
I have a really hard time understanding why some posters can't stand entitled step kids, but entitled adults are a-ok. :? OP, your DH didn't have any part in making your kids, so why should he be responsible for them now???
"But your child's higher
"But your child's higher education shouldn't suffer because you want to be a SAHM"
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I struggle to understand why parents feel obligated to carry a child through college. Not just in OP's situation, but ANY situation. I realize some CO's cover a certain amount of college, but outside of what's ordered by law, I don't understand the thinking that the costs should go to the parents.
Higher education is something an individual chooses to persue & benefit from. With all of the financial aid available, why should that financial responsibility be put on the parents instead of being taken on by the adult choosing to persue & benefit from it???
My parents didn't pay for my education. If I want it, I have to pay for it. DH & I have no intention of paying for his kids college educations. If they want them, they'll be responsible for paying for it.
If any adults higher education suffers, it's their own fault for not making it happen.
IMO, this is a fine example of why there are so many entitled people in our world.
Amen!
Amen!
I pay for my son's education
I pay for my son's education because I want him to have the same experiences I had.
My parents paid for my sister and I to attend a private, out of state HBCU.
If he had to pick up the tab, he would have been stuck here attending a CUNY school. Instead he attends a private HBCU in VA.
As long as he follows the rules I set in place(must carry 18 hours a semester, maintain a 3.0GPA and work during the summer and school breaks)I will continue to pay.
I don't do this because I HAVE to, I do it because I want to.
Agreed. This is the coddling
Agreed. This is the coddling generation though. Blegh.
My DH said last night of
My DH said last night of course we would help my kids with college.. But he is now saying this because he did not stick to his plan.
He told his kids that further education past the 4 years of college was their responsibility. But now that he just promised SD 15k for Grad school without even asking me.
That is what I am upset about!!! He changes the rules when they suit his daughter.
I do have savings started for my kids college. I had already begun that before we met.
My problem really is when SD whines he guilt daddy's... and is always the same excuse "she is a girl she needs more"
College situation aside, the
College situation aside, the fact that he really believes "girls" (she isn't a girl anymore) need more help is just sad. Nothing like setting her up to be the damsel in distress.
he really believes "girls"
he really believes "girls" ... need more help
If this way of thinking was not so stupid, it would make me sick. :sick: I really do pity the SD if she believes this cr*p because this is not how the real world works.
She is very good at playing
She is very good at playing the victim. She got her car booted because of parking tickets...He sends her money.
Hell no, if you did not pay tickets then you should pay for it!!!!
She will take advantage of any situation and he loves it.. He likes to feel like he is needed.
His son calls at least 3 times a day whining about work and he loves that he always calls.
They are 25, and 26 grow up!!!!!
Blech. I was raised that
:sick: :sick:
Blech.
I was raised that being a "girl" I could always count on a man. It was imperative that my brother have a good job because he would need to support a family.
He's currently single with no kids.
I'm supporting 3 kids on my own.
I hate that sexist shit.
^^^ Amen!
^^^ Amen!
I feel sorry for the man who
I feel sorry for the man who is crazy enough to marry her.
You are in the right here. He
You are in the right here. He is going back on what he promised.
BUT. He changed the rules. Now you have to play a new game. What's your strategy going to be?
I am in the same situation. I
I am in the same situation. I work, make a decent pay and I have to help with DH to pay SD expeneses otherwise he couldn't do it. My problem is the BM makes more than we do combined she recently remarried he works and tell SD she CAN NOT help says she just doesn't have it. DH and BM have a 50/50 on everything. DH just tells SD you don't need to worry about the money I will make sure you have what you need. Never is it a "WE" when telling his kids. It's my money too that is helping to contribute. BM knows he always tells SKids not to worry he will take care of it. I feel more used and taken for granted by DH that I do feel actually LOVED and appreciated. My kids will be in college in 2 yrs from prev marriage. I worry myself sick thinking of how are we going to do it. My ex does pay CS and it will be used towards expenses.
Thanks Blue Belle
Thanks Blue Belle
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the comments here, but most of them.
I feel very strongly that biological parents need to pay for their biological children's post-secondary education.
As a step parent, I am not financially responsible for my SD11, nor does my DH expect me to be.
OP needs to get a job to help pay for her children's education and have their their bio-father pay for half, or whatever their divorce judgment (agreement) stipulates.
Contributing some of her CS to the household bills is not "helping pay for" her DH's children's education.
Why do you feel you are no longer financially responsible for your children?
The girl is in GRAD SCHOOL!
The girl is in GRAD SCHOOL! At what point should parents be expecting their adult children to behave like adults & accept adult responsibility???
If not when they go to college, perhaps when they have children? Too many kids are raised to feel entitled because too many parents are teaching them to be. Too many parents are raising their grandchildren because they never taught their children how to be responsible for themselves & their futures.
It's okay to let kids struggle to make life their own. The work you put into something is what makes the outcome so rewarding. Hard times build character & appreciation. If we look at the people we deal with every day, how many people are lacking those things?
All good viewpoints!!
All good viewpoints!!
To clarify my comments. I
To clarify my comments. I don't feel that bio parents are required to pay for children's post-secondary education (unless it's stated in the divorce judgment).
My point was....as a SM, my SD will never be my "financial" responsibility. Now or in the future.
If the OP's ex is remarried
If the OP's ex is remarried or living with someone, I wonder how she feels about all of this.
Her SO is paying $1500 a month for 2 kids. One kid is 19 and no longer lives at home. On top of that he has to 50% of their college education. Meanwhile BM is a SAHM.
No he is not remarried or
No he is not remarried or with anyone. He does not HAVE to pay 50% of college he is because he is their bio dad.
And the reason he is paying $1500 even after one is 19 is because I paid for all clothing (at his house also) and both cars and insurance for them.
Hope he stays single until
Hope he stays single until your single graduates college.
I don't know many women who will be happy with that much money flying out the door each month.
I found an article that makes
I found an article that makes sense to me.
I hope you enjoy it HRNYC!!!!
Take time to listen!
After 14 years of marriage I have come to realize the tremendous balance that my wife brings to our decision making processes. I have found the old saying to be accurate that, two heads are better than one!. But this was something I had to learn. I can be somewhat impulsive, where Sue is much more careful about rushing ahead with things. I have come to see her personality tendencies as a real check and balance to my own.
In years past I can remember a few occasions when I wanted something so bad that I chose to run out and buy it without telling Sue. And why? Because I knew she would probably say no. I justified myself by saying, "It’s okay, because I’m the head of the home," or "It’s MY money!" But those were just excuses for me to be selfish.
The "It’s my money" excuse is actually a popular plea for one marriage partner doing whatever they want without consulting the other. If you want to ruin your marriage real fast I’ll give you a sure-fire way: separate your money and belongings into categories of his and hers. God says you and your wife are to be ONE FLESH and He’s not just talking about sex!
And finally, on the subject of listening, Christian author and financial counselor Larry Burkett, claims that the majority of men who’ve lost money on investments that didn’t pan out were counseled beforehand by their wives against making the investment. What does that say about our willingness to listen?
Don’t allow emotions to rise.
What's next? College
What's next? College education, Masters and Graduate Programs? A decked out wedding? A new house? College funds for the grand kids?
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Sadly, for an overwhelming number of parents, the answer to these questions is YES, because they fail to teach their children how to be adults. They condition them to be helpless & needy...& entitled.
In addition to all of that, too many parents work their asses off their ENTIRE lives & settle for less than what they've earned to be able to leave their grown children a big house & a hefty inheritance. I can't tell you how many grown adults I've heard expressing anger & frustration because their parents are spending "their inheritance".
Justifying your SAH status to
Justifying your SAH status to particular posters gets you no where.
In getting back to your original post
You are in the right here. He is going back on what he promised.
BUT. He changed the rules. Now you have to play a new game. What's your strategy going to be?
You're welcome. The way i see
You're welcome. The way i see it, if you are in a step situation you might as well figure life is going hell in a handbasket
We bought a new home last
We bought a new home last year and I from my money prior to meeting my husband put 60K in cash down.
Where do you think I got the money from idiot? From my savings and working!!!! So I am not selfish at all and in no way just sitting on my kiester!!!!
You may of also missed the
You may of also missed the comment where I also help with my husbands business. I just do not get a pay check!
I think you are missing the real point I am upset about.
We have been planning for our futures for a while. We bought a new home last year but kept our other home for rental. I manage all the rental issues and we actually make money on that house each month.
We want to buy more rental property in the near future. We would like to build our nest egg so we can enjoy life also. And one day have grandchildren we can spoil.
What upsets me is the fact he changed the rules.. Because his daughter wants to go to Grad school and he has always said that will be on their own dime. But now he is willing to take on that payment so she will not have to.
As far as my kids. They will go to college and yes I will help them with my savings as well as their dad. And if that is not enough they will need to get jobs to help chip in or get loans.
You upset me with making it all about who brings in the paycheck.. That is not all it is about. Trust me I pull my weight in more ways then most people working full time jobs WITH paychecks.
I just do not believe in changing the rules when you have agreed on something. And especially without consulting your partner who is your equal with or without a paycheck
LOL
LOL
" just do not believe in
" just do not believe in changing the rules when you have agreed on something. And especially without consulting your partner who is your equal with or without a paycheck"
Hon dont' justify yourself to her. As you can tell most posters don't agree, but it seems to be a staple of hers to do this kind of thing.
The bottom line is your above comment sums it up. This isn't about life changes and you adjust. This is about a serious breech in trust and lack of respect for you and your joint decisions. It shows you that as he brings in the paycheck he now believes he has a higher decision power over you. Forget about your kids and college. This is about him not following a joint decision to not pay for grad school. It shows he doesn't care about you, your opinion and doesnt see you as an equal and a partner in life. I would be furious too. If situations change you discuss it first-not make a unilateral decision worth $15k! That is insanity! In addition his approach to 'she's a women she needs more help' is sexist. Just like him not treating you as an equal in joint decision making is sexist.
Your problem here is twofold: He doesn't believe women are equal, but inferior. His decisions and actions will reflect his in every aspect of his life moving forward as well.
I want to ask you this, who encouraged you to take the plunge to become a stay-at-home wife? Was his ex a SAHM? Is he much older then you?
He could be the very traditional, women stay at home, women should be provided for (must pay for grad school for his girl), women don't have equal say in decision making or financial decisions, keeping her under my financial umbrella cuts her 'saying' power, etc. That it seems to me is your problem here nofairytale. And it royally sucks!! I'm sorry!
^^this^^
^^this^^