Well anyhting after high school is negotiated with the college attendee. So I would tell BM "Get *son* to call me and I will make my arrangements -if any- through him alone."

dakotamom, NOT that I'm siding with BM (not at ALL!!) but $5k/year? That'd be the CS he isn't paying HER any more.

That's the realization I came to when I started thinking about SD15's college; $8k/year covers 50% of a decent state college, and it's not like DH will miss the money after paying that much for 12 years. That was, of course, before SD15 started acting like a tool and DH and I rescinded her invitation to live with us EVER until she can act like a human being and not a horse's ass. As it stands, she's not getting jack from us.

Still, your BM sounds like a whack job. Good for DH for standing up to her.

I love both my stepdons but when cs is over that money needs to start being saved for our. Retirement. The kids will have to grt scholarships,loans or grants judt like our bs will. Our bm is able to put 14% of her salary towards retirement, neithrr of us can do that. Shr is not saving anything for the kids college out of her much higher income or her tax free cs. We have said that the kids can live with us rent free if they are in school and we will help out where we can.

Please pardon the typos, I am typing on my Nook.

Dakota - our BM tried the same shit with my DH and finally this past summer we gave an amount to SS and told him that is what we could help with - he was looking at colleges that cost $55,000 a year - because his mother wants him to graduate from an Ivy League School but wants DH to pay for it - DH told her to go pound salt and told SS if you choose one of those schools you are going to have huge loans but that is up to you -

This statement I don't understand

dakotamom, NOT that I'm siding with BM (not at ALL!!) but $5k/year? That'd be the CS he isn't paying HER any more.

because if you are in a state where CS stops at 18 or graduating high school why would CS even be brought up regarding college I mean really that 5K might help to provide the Dh and his wife with a little better life and there is nothing wrong with that - I can't wait till we stop paying CS - we will have so much more money in the bank and for our retirement savings - I mean really when do we stop paying for these kids - and in most families where there is no divorce and the same parents if they can't afford to help with college they don't so why is there this double standard where children of divorce make out much better than children in a family where the parents are still together - why if finally the person who is paying CS and usually having to pay so much that it is not allowing the NCP to even really have a life can finally stop paying CS - why does that person then have to be made to feel like they have to pay for college - do all of you realize that by the time most of us reach 65 - 70 there is no more social security - so while it would be awesome to pay for our children's college - DH and I are socking away for retirement - because if though all of us have paid into Social Security most of us will never see a dime of it - I don't know about everyone else but I want to be able to keep a roof over my head and food on my table when both Dh and I are too old to work - I never can understand why BM's feel the need to make our DH's feel like they are POS if they don't keep paying for their children - and the best is when the BM expects your DH to pay for the college but has not intention of putting a penny towards the child's education - much like our BM had planned on doing - she told DH she could not put away for his college but was able to buy him a car and pays for his car insurance all while not making him get a job at 17 almost 18 years old - if you really want your child to go to an Ivy League School then don't waste money on a car and insurance and have him get a job and start saving money -

DH and I don't have that kind of money and even if we did we would not pay all of SS's education - most times when kids get their education paid for they goof off - when you have to work and earn something yourself you appreciate it more - when I went to college I worked 3 jobs to pay for it.

I also want to add that we have a DD5 and yes I do expect her to have babysitting jobs by 12 or 13 and a real job by 16 and she will help to pay for her college as well - it was the way I was raised and I turned out great so it won't hurt her to have a great work ethic!!!

We were court ordered at 60% of the costs not covered by her scholarship (which was room and board), books money was set at certain dollar amount to be given to dear SD regardless if her books cost her that money, we were court ordered to giver her a monthly living stipend (she had room and board paid for and an additional 255.00 a month year around), we were court ordered to pay BM child support because she would be with her mom during the holiday breaks.

It raised our support level by another 3-4K a year.

Dakotamom - (Long) I think this quote says it best: "It is ironic that just at the moment when parents are supposed to be giving their child more autonomy in making his or her own decisions, along comes one of the most critical and expensive decisions that a young adult will ever have to make - a decision bound to test the resolve of any parent trying to let go. The typical response of many parents, understandably so, is to take control. However, the reality is that many parents are just as much in the dark about the process of selecting, applying, and paying for college as their sons and daughters. .. We've found the most successful way to approach all this is to view the college process as a collaborative effort between parents and their college bound child, with help from resources such as high school guidance counselors, college administrators, and reference guides like this one. ... In this collaborative process, parents and children serve as reality checks for each other. Will you be paying for everything? Or will your child cary some of the burden? While you don't need to go into the minute details of your finances, it is a good idea to tell your child what you can really afford." ... Quoted from The Princeton Review - Paying for College Without Going Broke.

What I am trying to get at is to not let your BM drive this bus. Get involved in the college process. Yeah, your DH should talk to BM, but he should be just as involved with his child in these discussions, and the child should be treated as ADULTS in these dicussions.

Here SD is responsible for 1/3 of her college costs - BM has 1/3 DH has 1/3 and SD has 1/3. So as she is making her selection, she knows that she is responsible for her loans, grants, etc to get her the 1/3 that she needs to cover. It is making her work harder at scholarships and look at schools more critically.

DH and I do have to reign her in. She is still a teenager, making less than mature decisions (liking a college based on emotion rather than fact)... but we keep talking to her. BM is no help at all. BM tells her she can go "wherever she wants" while not really even pledging to fulfill her 1/3!

One of the biggest things we did to help SD here "get it" was to find out the starting salary of the position she wants, and then I did a budget with her. I took her starting salary, and then we paid hypothetical rent, utilities, cell phone, car/gas, groceries, etc. When all the day-to-day bills were done, we found out how much she had left, and THEN took out an approx. school loan based on her dream school at the time. After that - she had $70 for the month to live on. It opened her eyes in a big way.

Don't let BM bully DH. This is his child too, and he has every right to talk to his child about their future!

Best of luck.. this is a tough one...

I did a spreadsheet for SD here, if you want PM me and I can forward it over for you...

DH was in the middle of having this discussion with SS17 yesterday when he picked me up from work. The first thing I heard DH say was, "I just don't have the means to put you through college. I wish I did, but I don't." Then he went on to suggest that he look into joining the national guard reserves or something.

My parents are still married. They didn't pay for any of us to go to college. They said we could live in their home as long as we were in college & working part-time, but that that was all they could do for us.

There's no reason parents should be obligated to carry that burden. How many parents pay for college & then have the kid flunk out or drop out & then the parents are stuck footing the bill for the rest of the term??? By the time they start college, most are adults. College is one of the first opportunities they get to experience as adults. I say the best way to introduce them to the real adult world is to just let them live it. That includes paying their own way.

Oh, be glad you're not in Mass.! Every divorce decree here calls for CS through college. Also, husbands and wives are to split costs of college. So that means DH pays BM while SSs are away at college- no reduction because they're not there- AND pays half of college costs!? Wow, cant WAIT to see how that is gonna happen! DH's industry has collapsed since 2003 when the divorce decree was written.
Anyone have any experience where they couldnt pay? Honestly in our situation its impossible- and i have TWO SSs!!

I always think this "paying for college" is a huge entitlement, especially for skids like mine, who I wonder if they're actually going to graduate high school.

I took a student loan for my undergraduate degree, which I am SILL paying back. My parents helped with food and books and miscellaneous stuff and I worked during the long college vacation. I then got myself a full-scholarship to do my Masters, my parents didn't have to put up a cent.

DH's parents, on the other hand, paid the full price for his sister to go to college. DH and his brother didn't get a proper chance to graduate high school. But all of them have decent jobs, and are really hard-working people.

It's wierd, kinda the opposite with BM. BM's parents paid for her brother to go to college in full, while he lived at home. BM and her sister never made it to college, but their parents continue to support them as adults, since neither of them has a decent paying job.

I know DH wants to give his kids the educational opportunities he never got, but I'm not sure the kids will appreciate the help. I'm one of those willing to help with books and food and even living expenses, but I think kids should definitely pay for the college courses they want to take, so that when they fail, they have to face the consequences.

Hey Dakota - I guess the question would be - is this a "BM entitlement issue" or a "Skid entitlement issue". Also, what does that $5000 cover? Is it all of the tuition? Half? 1/4? Does BM have no clue and is just throwing out some random figure?? Is BM just telling SS that "dad will take care of the 5 grand"??

My personal opinion is that you guys don't want to confuse the issues.

1. How much does SS's college cost?

2. Exactly WHOM is "expecting" DH to put up?

Once you know those 2 answers, I think you can move forward more appropriately. Do you agree?