You are here

Frustrated

rats's picture

Submitted by rats on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 3:54pm

Ok, so this is a long shot but I just needed to vent a bit. I dont know if anyone is in the same situation or not but any way, I have been with my DH for 8 years now and we have 2 children together. However, he is still "legally" married to the BM of his daughter. Every time I bring up the issue about when is he going to file for a legal divorce he seems to brush it off and ignores the topic and makes up excuses. His thing is "its just a piece of paper and Im with you and thats all that matters". I dont know how to explain to him that its more than just a "piece of paper". What makes this whole matter worst is I just delivered a newborn and I feel this is putting me into postpartum blues and depression. On top of everything else my SD recently posted on FB a picture of my DH and her BM and my SD's BM posted a picture of their wedding.
I dont know what to say or do...just filled with frustration and sadness Sad

Comments

rats's picture

Submitted by rats on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:02pm

Yes we are in the US and there is no reason he cannot get divorced.His recent excuse is " How am I going to get the money to file a divorce?" and mind you its doesnt cost much and we have the funds!! uggghhhh
What is a no fault divorce btw?

rats's picture

Submitted by rats on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:08pm

Thanks BigFatMeanie!! I actually thought about giving him the ultimatum and telling him he's got till the end of this year to get it all finalized or else Im taking off!!

Mom2mine's picture

Submitted by Mom2mine on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 5:02pm

The end of the year HELL!!! Tell him he has til the end of the month or you will be filing for back child support since he is still MARRIED TO HER!!! (not sure if you could actually do that if you are living together-but the threat may work!) There is no way I would have tolerated that-but if you have put up with it for eight years....you kind of set yourself up for failure.....

BTW-you can get a cheap divorce for something like $500....I would be able to come up with that money if I was in your shoes....

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 5:06pm

I have to agree, there's no need to give him until the end of the year -- that's another 7 months! I know it must be exhausting to even contemplate this kind of confrontation -- I hope you will avail yourself of counseling, good friends, etc, to find the strength to do what you know you need to do.

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:06pm

I don't want to sound insensitive, but why the heck have you put up with this for 8 years?

I rarely recommend ultimatums, but it is time for one, and time for you to stand up for you and your children. Or leave.

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:14pm

If you can afford it at all, please seek out some professional help for the depression and for the deeper issues that are behind all this -- this is a huge problem, and if you've been carrying this burden around by yourself, well, no wonder you feel awful. Hang in there.

knucklehead's picture

Submitted by knucklehead on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:16pm

That was going to be my question!
Why would you waste EIGHT years and have TWO KIDS with a married man?!?

I'm sorry, but that's got to be the most foolish thing I've heard in a long time. What happens if he gets deathly ill and winds up in the hospital? SHE is the one to decide what happens. NOT YOU. Sad If he croaks, SHE gets his survivor's benefits. Also, if there's a 401, she is legally the beneficiary. Period. On and on.

I mean, if you wanted to play house with a married man, that's your thing. But why bring kids into it? You have no protection for them!

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:08pm

I would pack my shit and leave and only come back when I see divorce papers in hand!!

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 4:20pm

No, be sure his name is on that bc so that you can get CS once you've left him. You're going to need it.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 04/13/2012 - 5:27pm

My son's dad's name wasn't on his first bc. When I went to get CS,the judge asked dad if he was the father and he said yes. The judge asked him 3 times if he wanted a DNa test but he said no. The judge then ordered that his name be added to son's bc.

So I have BCs for my son with and without his dad's name.

lac925's picture

Submitted by lac925 on Sun, 04/15/2012 - 3:48pm

OMG! We went through the same thing! FH and I have been together for almost 7 years and we have 2 kids together...and we'd THOUGHT his divorce went through until BM, in a fit of rage, said "I want the divorce papers!" - I guess to "prove" to him that he means nothing to her now *eyeroll*. Anyway, upon talking with his parents, we found out that the divorce actually HADN'T gone through O.o I was shocked to think that he was still legally married to that wench! But he quickly took action and we're now just waiting for the Certificate of Divorce Smile Good thing, too, as we're getting married this October!

But anyway, back to YOU LOL I agree with you telling him that it's "not just a piece of paper". If he doesn't go for the divorce, then "legally", BM can cause a lot of problems for you two. Another poster mentioned that if anything were to happen to him, you could be left with nothing - and I agree. Talk to him and tell him how you're really feeling, and if he really loves you, he would do it. It's really not THAT expensive!