Family Comes First I Come 2nd
3 grown stepchildren all in their 30's. Father is over protective of his children to a fault and refuses to let me in to the "family matters". Everything is always a big secret and when they come to our house they sit around together and leave me out of the conversations, a lot of whispering always going on. This relationship between his children and me has become a real problem. As their father he feels he has to financially always be their for them and has actually put us in a very difficult situation with a vacation home that we are loosing because we can't afford it but he continues to foot the bill for whatever his kids want. When I bring it up he blows and accuses me of being jeolous of his kids. When it involves his kids it usually means they want something he feels needed and gives them whatever they ask for. They never call me or email me and I have done nothing but be kind to them and welcome them in my home. In Facebook when you have albums the daughter has her father's picture from our wedding day but not mine how do you thing that makes me feel. I think she knows she can get to me and once she told me when she wants to get rid of someone she can. My husband feels sorry for her and never sees my side what should I do. His son also knows our financial situation and continues to get his father to spend money for him. This is so frustrating I could cry! I also have a daughter who is always here to help out and actually has a great relationship with her step dad until recently.
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I would leave. That simple.
Disrespect in your own home. YOUR finances helping his ungrateful kids. Losing YOUR property. Get out now before they suck you dry. You will be "raising" these "children" for the rest of your lives and do you think they will take care of YOU in your golden years? Hell No.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
Put your foot down. If he
Put your foot down. If he continues to spend marital money on his adult children, separate your finances and have one household account that you each contribute for household bills and then open your own account for your own wants.
If it were me I would definitely tell him if he continues to allow his children to disrespect you in your presence and he disrespects you in theirs, he will find his things on the lawn.
Here here!
(applaud, applaud) Well put Crayon! I wanna cut this one out and put it on the refrigerator.
I'd run like Hades...
I'm also the stepmother of three adult kids who tried like HELL to make sure they made my life hell so that I wouldn't get too close to "daddy". Same thing, never an Email or any kind gesture (and, like you, I was never anything but kind...), the only time I got an invite was when a gift was required (showers, etc.) But, for other "family" events, it was clear that it was them and "daddy" and I could come if I want, but they would want all of "daddy's" attention.
This site saved my life. My two kids (my whole FAMILY) is a normal, supportive group of people, so I was blown away by how rude and nasty these "girls" could be. (I got the same thing, not only from "daddy", but from my H...I'm "jealous").
So, I lay the law down, and I hope you do the same or else LEAVE and MEAN IT. Until you COMMAND respect from all of them, you will continue to live in misery. I made the "girls" know that the NEXT TIME they come into MY HOME and treat me like a "STRANGER", I will be calling a lawyer and "daddy" will be divorced yet again. (My saving grace here is that their obnoxious behavior in their teens broke up their mom and dad's marriage...mom left for another man...so that would look pretty crappy for them if they broke up another of "daddy's" marriage, especially since "daddy" has never been happier in his life).
And I told "daddy" that MANY people are "daddy"s, not just him. I am not looking for a "daddy", I'm looking for a husband to spend the rest of my life with. To travel with (it was horrid, any time we went anywhere, that phone would ring like crazy over the dumbest things....but, I was the "jealous" one)...there will be NO MORE PHONE calls unless it is an absolute emergency. OR I AM LEAVING. THAT'S IT. (And, he knows I called a lawyer about it)...
Wow have things changed in the past year in a half. Two of them actually got married (once they stopped obsessing over what "daddy" was doing, they found lives!!), one is still a pain in the rump, but she's usually sitting in a bar getting wasted at 29 (no man in sight, they all dump her...) so she's rarely around anymore.
PLEASE PLEASE put your foot down. As another poster said, what's gonna happen to YOU when you need your husband? Is he gonna be there for YOU or is gonna continue to cater to his "kids" who should be fending for THEMSELVES??? If you KNOW he will not budge on this, then I'd start working to protect your assets and get the heck out of there. There are plenty of people of ALL ages looking for a life partner.
What you're describing is not a life partner. It's a codependent WUSS who isn't going to stop until he knows it's gonna cost him something very dear....HIS MARRIAGE!!
Hugs!! Please don't let them push you around anymore!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I often wonder how we can put kids before marriage
or our marriage before our kids because you can't really compare the too, IMHO. The love that a husband and wife have for each other is completely different from the love that a parent and child have for one another.
There are moments when one has to come before the other. I'm not going to call my spouse in the middle of Parent Teacher conference to complain about my day, it can wait. On the flip side, if I am in the hospital ill he will be by my side, and if skid is asking for a ride to the mall they have to wait. At that moment, I am first. In the first instance, skid is.
How long have you guys been married? FH and I have been together 3 years. I have long ago learned that I will not be on anyone's Myspace of Facebook (mostly the older skids). They are already set in their way. As long as there is no disrespect, I really don't care.
When FH and I first got together, him and SD18 were extremely close. I felt like she knew more about him then me, like he confided in her more. When a situation came up where I felt I should be included, I pointed it out. I had to catch it in that instant because he truly didn't think that he was leaving me out. Now, things are better and he doesn't confide in her like he once did. It was gradual, but nothing is quick and easy
NHM, it is your home and you need to put your foot down. Why should you and your daughter feel uncomfortable while they have a grand old time? Don't you help pay bills, cover expenses etc? So then you definitely have a say.
If you decide to talk to DH again about this, try mentioning that you and BD feel left out and you just want to be apart of things. You want to enjoy family time and he has plenty of opportunity for one on one time with his kids. I hope it helps and things get better!
How long has this been going on?
How long have you been married and are the finances in both of your names? I'm just wondering why your DH feels he has th right to secretly give money to skids behind your back and jeopardize your vacation home. For the life of me I don't undersatnd why Skids would want DH to lose vacation home as they probably used it too?????
Do you have examples of what they are asking for money for? Just curious about what a father of middle aged kids (30 somethings) feels that these kids just have to have that they can't wait till they earn their own money ???? Are these kids do nothings that always need bailing out so DH is the enabler????
How long have you two been
How long have you two been married? And how old were these kids when their father and mother divorced? And what the f***?!?! They're GROWN and LEECHING off their father? That is shameful. For everything my parents have done for me, there is NO way that I would ask them for ANYTHING, and I'm 30.
This is BS. With all my Hs
This is BS. With all my Hs faults he says to me oer and over again--even tonight
"we will take care of it. Its us, you and me and thats it. Thats all there is to it. You're my wife, my #1"
And believe me my H is no jem but this he truely feels. If your H doesn't it is something you need to do some deep thinking about.
Separate your finances
Separate your finances IMMEDIATELY.
Have sit down with your dh after you do this and tell him
1. Bills get paid first, and you will split it half and half.
2. If he has any extra money of HIS, not yours!, he can make the decision to spend it on his kids. AFTER THE BILLS ARE PAID.
Is there any way you can save the vacation home? HAve one of your family members buy it out or buy out his half????
Oh yes, i agree with many on this. ULTIMATUM. Zero tolerance rule.
Because when it comes to marital money you do have a say.
WIth my dh, we have our finances separate from the beginning. He wanted to join it together . My answer was NO WAY. He smokes and has his beer. Not habits i want to pay for. And if his kids wanted anything , that was his job to give. Not mine. And at the begnning he would WHINE about the fact i would have 700 bucks extra every month and how he barely had anything. and that he paid CS as well...
My response.
1. i didn't divorce, or F your exwife to have kids. So no CS for me.
2. I dont smoke or drink. So if you want an extra 380 bucks a month in your pocket, quit both.
3. Your overpaying CS by 100$ easily....go to court and but some off. HE chooses not to...so i told him stop bitching , you divorce, you left, accept , Cs is your responsibility and not mine and i wont pay up for that or anything unless I WANT TO or CHOOSE TO.
So, tell your dear DH that if he continues to dish out money to his ADULT children then its to be only his own money AFTER the bills are paid! If he doesn't agree. Divorce him and take half of what is there. Maybe he can live with his kids now