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DH is clueless/blind

mndblwn's picture

Submitted by mndblwn on Mon, 04/09/2012 - 9:15am

I'm don't like my husband or skid. I call my bedroom my little apartment because when skid is home with us that's where I would rather be. DH is clueless/blind/dumb to the crap that skid likes to play. Dinners are always horrible at our house. We try to have a balanced meal and sit as a family. Skid watches me like I'm about ready to slit his throat and he tries to get out of eating things by making excuses to DH. Yesterday for Easter dinner it was "I don't have enough room on my plate for peas." DH was going to actually buy that and not have skid eat them. It's absolutely ridiculous. DH said he didn't want to fight and enjoy his dinner. I get that but who is the parent here....DH or skid. Skid lies constantly acting like he can't remember things he did an hour or two before or pausing for a real long time before he answers. I can see right through him so why can't DH?
BM won't speak to me during pick up/drop off and belittles DH constantly through email and text yet will sit there and be sweet to him and act concerned for him when he goes to these situations alone. He gives in to her too. I tell him to ignore her but he doesn't. Sometimes I feel like he would rather have had things work out with his first family then wanting to be in this family with a daughter on the way. Him and I didn't speak for the rest of the night after skid went with BM and we slept separately. This happens for often then not and when I'm in my little apartment skid just laughs and giggles with DH like "haha I got that bitch out of here." I truly believe that BM puts things into skids head as well. If at 5 yrs old she told him I wasn't good for DH then I can only imagine what is being said now.

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Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Mon, 04/09/2012 - 9:31am

UGH..I don’t understand why so many stepmoms want to force the skids to eat certain things. I get the whole nutrition thing and no, the kid should not have nuggets for every meal. But the 5 year old did not want to eat pea’s so this started a fight with you and DH?!?!?

Let me tell you what this all sounds like to me…your DH has gone into defensive mode for his kid, against you. BTDT. Try to let more things go.

Are you custodial? Or do you have EOWE?

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Mon, 04/09/2012 - 9:40am

i agree about the food forcing. what's the point? most kids don't like peas. i'm 34 and i don't like them. the world isn't gonna end if he doesn't eat them. as long as he eats most of what was made, i don't see an issue with letting him skip peas. i was forced to eat all kinds of crap i didn't like as a kid by my sf. he did it just because he could, not because he cared about my health. it was all about power to him. i know not everyone is like that, but it has made me very sensitive to forcing food on kids.

i used to get so pissed at fdh for always letting sd have juice or pop all day long and with dinner. bd17 is only allowed pop once in a while, and she knows that water and milk are her dinner choices. but then i realized that sd drinking pure sugar all the time doesn't affect me or my kids, so why do i care? i stopped getting mad and saying anything about it. a year later when sd had to get 9 cavities filled, i just smiled to myself, because i knew how it happened and how easily it could have been prevented. bd17 has never had a cavity.

worry about what directly affects you and yours. skid not eating peas is not something to get upset about.

knucklehead's picture

Submitted by knucklehead on Mon, 04/09/2012 - 11:04am

I really agree with Willow.
This has become a battle between you and DH. Nothing good will happen and it will eat away at your marriage.

Why fight over food? Put it out on the table and the kid will eat what he eats. Then he doesn't eat again until the next meal.

I will NEVER understand why people engage in "food fights" with children. :?

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Mon, 04/09/2012 - 10:22am

I know how you feel. This is about control but not in a bad way. You have expectations that are VERY do-able. However battling over food with kids is a losing battle.
My OSS is 21 but STILL eats his mashed potato and corn and peas with a teaspoon. I hate it. It ia babyish. So I don't serve mashed potato when he is over. I alos hate it when he wears a hat to the table. Sorry, it comes off, we are not Jewish or any other faith that requires hat wearing. Oh and the teaspoon thing, he WIPES it after every mouthful on a napkin. THAT, is out of line.

You need to reclaim your life. So ignore the crap. Consider it a game of chess and just walk away with the game in play. If you do not play the game he cannot win. And I know it is hard and it seems like you lose but seriosly, you don't.

See if you are complaining and sulking all the time your DH will see only a miserable person and consider what he ever did wrong. He can't send his child back. He is stuck. And if his ex is being all sweet and considerate then he will wonder why they ever got divorced in the first place.

So, you want him back? Try this. DH prepares his sons dinner plate. Let him argue with him. Don't worry that he has an appalling diet. When he gets a snotty text or email. smile at him as say something like "I am sorry. Can I get you a ....?" Smile, touch his arm a lot. Or the back of his neck. If his son tries to make a fuss, just say to DH "Can you sort this one out? I have some laundry to fold." And refuse to do ANYTHING special for him. No special food. Daddy can buy it because it wasn't on your list (wink). He needs help with his homework, Daddy can help. He falls and hurts himself and Daddy isn't there, call his father and ask him what he wants you to do. If it is life threatening of course you can do something. But refer back to his father all.the.time. All the while you keep smiling and being a sweetheart.

You can word it like this..."DH, I know I have been very grumpy with SS. I just want him to grow up into a responsible acceptable member of society that is liked and invited back to his friends places. But you are right, he isn't my son and not my responsibility. I will have my hands full in xxx months with a newborn. So from now on I am leaving the caring for SS to you. If I am not involved I can't complain."

Mr5 is not clever enough to work to get his parents back together. He would have to be a couple of years older to start that crap. You need to show that you are here to stay. And if eating vegetables is his weapon, let him rip. Or don't make enough vegetables for him to eat. I am sure DH will get sick of pandering to his sons mind change at every meal.