O/T: FIL is almost as bad as BM... How do I handle them both without yelling at DH
UGGG!!!! FIL and BM have so many personality traits that are the same!
FIL gives something to DH then months later asks for it back saying he was just borrowing it.
FIL can't pay his own bills. BM can't pay her own bills.
FIL hasn't had a job in almost 2 years. BM hasn't had a job since 2006!
FIL is a liar. BM can't tell anything but a lie.
FIL "used" to be an alcoholic. BM is constantly witnessed at local bars (when not knocked up with her latest victim) spending all her money.
FIL says he has things for DH and we never see them. BM says she has gifts and things for SD but we have never seen them.
FIL wants to borrow money from DH. BM wants to borrow money from DH.
FIL stayed at our house for a week once and I saw him shower once. BM always has greasy nasty hair and appears to be growing a mustache.
Sure, sure. You can go with the whole; well FIL is DH's dad and all that, and comparing FIL to BM might be unfair. But NO!
FIL says that he lost his job because of his injury (which happened at work) and that is why he fell on bad times. He ran out of money and blah blah blah... If your injured on the job you get some kind of paid leave... benefits... state assistance... social security and disability... SOMETHING!
FIL called DH about 4 months ago saying that he was going to loose his house (a rental, he has never owned anything) and he was going to need a place to stay for a little while. DH explains that he can help as much as he can, but FIL has 3 other kids he could call. The 3 other kids don't have the stressful BM situation with a pregnant wife, and money is tight anyway... FIL explains that he can put some money towards bills and the food money that he gets from the state every month should be good to help us with groceries.
3 months ago FIL moves all his crap into our garage and starts sleeping on MY couch in the living room. We cleared out enough space in our ONE spare bedroom for him to have a bed and maybe a dresser, but he starts sleeping in the living room on MY couch! This is the couch set that I saved for from me working, not DH, not anyone else. First new couch I have ever owned and paid for alone. MY COUCH!
FIL gives us money towards utilities and "rent" for him the first month he is here. That's fine. He hadn't even been under our roof for one whole week before I started losing it.
I didn't notice him much the first couple days, SD and I were constantly outside or an errands. Then it got bad. I just don't know a nice way to bring these things up to DH. And again, I am pregnant, so everything is hormonal to DH now.
For the past month FIL has been to 2 separate states to visit family. Where is this money coming from?! FIL can't help out with the $300 power bill that he wracked up (just us, it has never been anywhere near that!) but he has money to go visit family in different states. He drove to both locations and gas is over $4 a gallon in most places!!
Here is my list of problems I have with FIL:
He has an odor, it rubbed off on MY COUCH!!! I had to shampoo the couch 2XS to get the smell off.
He has a horrible odor! One of the rare times he has actually showered at our house, I had to go in after him and I got physically ill. Maybe it was morning sickness, but the SMELL!
He is a liar! He gave DH a sports hunting item while we were all in the same room... and then about a week later told DH that he was selling it.
He is a pig! He will sit in the living room and drink beer until I have finished cooking dinner. On more occasions than I can count on figures and toes, he waits until I leave the kitchen to set the table and then helps himself to whatever I just cooked for my family.
He drinks beer (like 8-10) every night while sitting on MY couch watching TV. He has health issues that make drinking any type of alcohol very very bad for him.
He is rude! He will knock on the door and before waiting for an answer open it! RUDE!
He makes rude comments! Before when I used to smoke (very bad) before I found out we were pregnant, I got sick with a cold. I didn't know that morning sickness had set in yet. I started coughing so much that I began to get sick in my mouth. I was trying to cough, breath, and not let vomit spew from my mouth all at the same time. DH leaves the room to get me glass of water and FIL leans over and says, "Why don't you smoke another one?" I should have thrown up on him!
I could go on and on and on... Just so much about this man makes me want to hurl on something pretty.
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Forgot to mention: FIL has
Forgot to mention:
FIL has not paid his "rent" or any part of utilities since that first time. He gave us no money towards the super power bill either!
I feel for you. Truly. We
I feel for you. Truly. We have a very similar situation...FIL moves in, never leaves (actually my wife told him to stay forever without talking to me about it) Privacy, gone. Groceries...doubled our spending on food. He does pay us, but my wife gives most of it back to him for gas. Unbelievable. It costs us around 1500.00 a month to pay for the rent, utilities and food. He gets the royal life for 200.00 a month, while I work 2 jobs and raise three children in our house. My wife does all of his laundry, cooks all of the meals, you name it. Once in awhile he'll throw a garbage bag to the road or give me a ride somewhere...not much beyond that. He's on welfare...says that he's worked enough years, and that the welfare money is his rightful claim. Wow. At 59, that's a pretty good retirement. I realize that 59 isn't exactly young, and that a job that demands hard labor is likely not for him, but this is reality, that everyone pays their own way. There's nothing wrong with a 59 yr old man being independant, not dependant on the graces of others and the money and hard work of others. It sucks.I won't likely retire at 69. I'm sure that he could go work at a variety store or something, like most decent people who need to work do.
The only thing I can think about both of our situations is that some people are so selfish that their own conduct and lack of contribution to life escape their awareness. Best hopes for you. I would suggest simply laying out the law of the land, whether it comes out nicely or not. I make a daily routine of throwing little verbal barbs at my FIL. Wife gets upset, and tells FIL to just let it go, that I'm just in a bad mood..she has no idea of the scope of this issue. We have no home anymore...everything is shared with someone who does nothing but take. I don't care either...if someone is being that selfish, especially in your situation, which sounds a little more dicey than my own, they need a dose of honesty. It may work to inspire change, unless he is really a reactionary type of person.
I wont be able to retire
I wont be able to retire anywhere near that and it's frustrating! I have never understood others abilities yo just live off someone else.
We all fall on hard times and need people sometimes, but you can't take advantage of those people.
My FIL is a little younger thn yours. Both my parents really still working but not this guy...
You're right...in every word.
You're right...in every word.
No kidding. I feel I get the
No kidding. I feel I get the same amount of respect from FIL that I get from BM. Its crap that he is in my home.
Love that Charles Bukowski
Love that Charles Bukowski Quote! Hang tough. For myself, I'm in a position of fully willing and able to kick some moral ass on FIL, and being sidetracked by my wife who wants to take care of her dad, the poor guy. (barf) My reactions land me on the couch..it's a rock and a hard place...but as newwife3 said...remove the garbage. I hope your DH is willing to see your side of things on this. The only way to confront it effectively is with the both of you as a united front. I don't have that luxury (although if I leave, the money stops for EVERYONE and therefore everyone will have to leave) Do you and your DH speak about these issues? Has he had an opinion about the situation?
He has begun to be more
He has begun to be more supportive. Once I blog on this site I am more able to talk to him with a level head. We spoke tonight and the plan is FIL is getting notice. He is looking for a place and getting out soon. Hopefully DH follows up on FIL, he is not always a self motivator.
Glad to hear. I think we all
Glad to hear. I think we all like to help others, which is a good and genuine characteristic to have....but on the flip side, we have every right to speak up when our good intentions are misused. I hope all works out for you...please let me know how it goes..I'm sure I could use some advice in my own situation. God Bless.