I just want to say thanks for all the support you all have given...

I had been holding off on the attorney as he is saying he does not wish to divorce and truthfully as pathetic as it sounds-IF there is a way to fix it I would like to-however, after listening to your all's advice I think I will go talk to one, hoping to at least get some more information. I was thinking that I would get nothing other than my disability payment for our dd-but perhaps I am entitled to more? I dont know. He has a va payment, social security payment, and a pension payment. He makes twice as much as I do and has free health care. His expenses would only be for him and his messed up kid.

I have talked to him for about 3 hours yesterday and he even came over for a bit last night to try and fix the router/internet that he messed up. He also messed up the tv's and neither was working. He fixed one tv and that was it. And then acted like he was doing me a tremendous favor. WTF? He was the one who disabled them-I just wanted them returned to their previous condition. He is vacilating back and forth from acting as if he wants to return home to showing me signs that his plan to leave is permanent. I am truly beginning to question whether he is in his right mind (not because of the vacillating-I think that's probably normal as I am doing it myself)but I think he has had some paranoia at times in which he thinks I am out to get him. He actually called me on Monday (before I knew he was leaving)and acted like I or the kids were doing things to "stir the pot" with ss-when I told him I had no idea what he was talking about he apologized and admitted he was paranoid.

I think he has decided he MUST leave me. I dont even think it is really about ss anymore.-he told me yesterday morning that he felt I had taken advantage of him for years. W-T-F? This is the man that let my raise his son essentially by myself for a number of years, the man who for the past year has mostly sat around and done nothing while I've worked full time AND come home and taken care of the home because he just didnt enjoy it! This is the man that I outearned for probably the first 10 years of our relationship-at times very signficantly outearned-this is the man that I have drove around for the past year-the man I waited for during his deployments, injuries, etc-so yeah, I am confused about that. He told me I was selfish. Again, insanity. He told me that he has not FELT love for me for years. Wow. He also told me that Tuesday night when he left he felt that I should have not taken my dd to her meeting but stayed home and talked with him about leaving. WTF? You already decided to leave. You had already packed your belongings. Your asshole brother was waiting in our driveway for you-what the hell is there to talk about? I tried to tell him I was trying to be there for my dd and honor my committment to her-he kept telling me I messed up. He also told me I messed up because 10 minutes after we found out that ss stole our panties he asked me to say something nice to him. I was in a bit of a state of a shock and just literally had nothing to say. I told him I just didnt have alot of positive thoughts right then. He told me I made a mistake there. Um, wow. YOUR son stole MY panties and MY Daughter's panties and I messed up because I couldnt think of anything positive to say to you 10 minutes after it happened? Wow-how about you saying something positive to ME? He did say he was sorry at the time, but that was it.

My son and daughter both talked to him last night. My daughter told him he was letting her down-my son told him he loved him and missed him and wanted him home. I asked him (dh) what he thought about them talking to him and he said, I'm glad they did. I asked him if it changed anything and he said, "It made me feel better". I am so glad that my childrens heartfelt expression of their emotions MADE YOU FEEL GOOD. Our dd10 was upset as when he came in he said, "hey" and walked right by her-straight to the damn dogs and talked to them in a baby voice, petted them, and loved on them.

He texted me this am and asked if he could pick up the dogs. He keeps trying to say this is temporary-he doesnt even have a home-why would he need to take these dogs?

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See an attorney.

See an attorney. Remember--there is no such thing as a cured guilty daddy. It may be a RECOVERING guilty daddy but relapses are always going to be there.

This guy sounds like he's 100% narcisssist. I say talk to an attorney and dump him.

Get the ball rolling with an

:jawdrop: Get the ball rolling with an attorney.

He wanted me to say something

He wanted me to say something nice to him, not ss. He wanted me to make him feel better about the fact that his son stole mine and my daughters panties.

You have a child at stake

You have a child at stake here. Don't trust this man.

File for a seperation, custody of your DD, and CS. If his intentions are good, this shouldn't be a problem. If his intentions are to rake you over the coals, beat him to the punch.

I know that it is your wish

I know that it is your wish to not get a divorce but from what you posted, I do not see ANY signs that you guys should stay together...

If you do, it will be on HIS terms and he will think that everything he has said (about you taking advantage, you causing problems with SS, etc) is TRUE.

At the very least, continue on with your plans to visit a lawyer at LEAST to get a separation agreement in order. THEN make sure that he knows that he isn't just going to waltz back in without some serious counseling for you guys.

knowledge is power. see an

knowledge is power.

see an attorney pronto and find out exactly where you stand!

good luck, my ♥ hurts for you.

Your DH sounds like he is

Your DH sounds like he is suffering with depression or some kind of post traumatic stress disorder :? thing is, its not on for him to be punishing you or making out that YOU are the problem. Although so many people who are suffering with mental health issues will actually try and do this, deflect the attention, blame onto someone else while they believe themselves to be guilt/blame free.

Definately go see an attorney and find out what you would be able to claim off of him and what you would be entitled to.

In all honesty I wouldnt allow him to have the dogs, after all I am sure the kids are attached to them and seeing as they have had enough upset and upheaval due to DH's actions I wouldnt compounding that by taking away their pets. I would be telling DH that.

Seems you both have different priorities, you ofcourse are concerned about your relationship with DH and the children but your DH appears to be only concerned with himself. He has taken on less responsibility for your life together, both practically and emotionally. Continually wanting reassurance when actually he needs to be supportive towards you i.e. the panty situation. Not considering the children, their feelings...you have demonstrated that several times even with your mutual child.

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions. What does your DH bring to your life? Does he enrich it? (I am talking about positives now).

In all honesty it seems like he wants you to beg him to return to you. Dont. I think if you want to give it one last shot before instructing a lawyer to file for divorce then I would issue DH with an ultimatum. Couples counselling, while you live apart. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. If your DH truely also wishes to give it one last chance, then he will be prepared to do anything (within reason) and counselling is reasonable. The reason I am suggesting this is because I have seen similar situations before and I predict if you allow DH to move back in, give in to him and allow DH to trample all over you then things will deteriorate and you will be MISERABLE. You have the upper hand. DH may not see it like that, but you are at home, you have the children.

Geez. Damn. Shit. I'm a

Geez. Damn. Shit. I'm a terrible taker-backer-when-I-know-I-really-shouldn't kind of person myself. Both experience AND impartial third-party perception here make me have to say, yes, see the attorney, even if the separation turns out temporary. Meantime, intensive COUNSELING for him and you and the other regular kids. Individually and together. Please tell me the USA provides veterans with enough health benefits to pay for counselling.

I was on this site for awhile, got all attached to you and was rooting for you, then stopped coming here for awhile. Now I feel the need to be back again, and here's this. I'm so very sorry this is all happening.

And you know what else? I'm so proud of this site for not one person telling you any of the following: God wouldn't give you more than you can handle, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or go make fucking lemonade. The members here know REAL LIFE and can feel for you and pull for you and be there for you.

I think it is disgusting how

I think it is disgusting how he is turning every.single.event around on you :sick: I'm sorry, but if my 8 year old SS stole and sniffed my panties, I would NOT be looking to comfort my DH but for my DH to be comforting me. Everything was fine until SS came back into the picture and now that everything has gone to hell, it is all your fault? Seriously, he can go kick rocks. I know you don't want to get a divorce, but how happy are you and your kids going to be if DH keeps up this "blame everyone else but me and SS" crap? I would go and speak with an attorney and get the ball rolling. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are saying that this is a permanent thing. His words are saying it isn't.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

See a civilian attorney and a

See a civilian attorney and a JAG. The JAG obviously cannot represent you (they can't meddle in civilian affairs), but can advise you in regards to the income. *IF* it goes in the worst possible case scenario for you, I know for a fact that VA income is non-taxable, so for purposes of CS (and alimony, should you intend to take that road), the court will need something from the VA showing a monthly amt. paid for proof of income. If he brings in his taxes, VA income isn't going to show up - which isn't fair to you or your shared dd b/c VA income is not only based on the disability rating of the service member, but increases based on the number of dependents sm has. Even if you get divorced, dd will still be one of his dependents, so he will still get extra $$ per month for her. In this regard, I also like Foxie's comment as to getting a legal sep. instead of divorce. Right now, he is getting additional income based on you, your dd, your shared dd, your son, his son. If you divorce, he will only get additional income for his son and your shared dd.

As for pension, when my dad was in, pension was protected. If your ex was not married to you for a significant period of time, she/he was not entitled to any of your pension. Civilian courts were not allowed to rule on pension, it was entirely up the military. Sometime after my dad retired and before I joined, all this changed. There is no longer any income that comes directly from the DoD to military personnel (current or retired) that is protected from civilian judgement. Not all judges *will* grant you a portion of his pension, but many do. This is usually for life.

I know this is very basic, but take this situation to a JAG - they can get much more in depth with it. Don't just talk to anyone in the JAG office though; any E-rank is not an actual JAG, they just work for one (they're usually UCMJ paralegals and only have a 3 wk AIT). A JAG is an officer who actually went to law school - you want one of those.

His pension was from his

His pension was from his regular job-not military. I know his VA benefit as it was just awarded in the last month or so. In fact, I'm quite certain I have the award letter at home. I feel like in part this is the problem-he is at a position in which he makes lots more money than me and I feel like he truly wants to be on his own. He does not like me telling him what to do -I only tell him what to do-in terms of housework, paperwork, etc because otherwise he will not do it at all-and he has specifically asked that i make him lists and such to keep him on track) however now he wants to call me "controlling".

He is also telling me that he knows his behavior is spiraling out of control (at least he has that awareness) and that he is taking it out on me and the other kids at times and he does not want to do that anymore. He says he does not want to expose me and the other kids to all the drama and chaos that comes with ss on a daily basis. I actually see these points and they are fairly good ones-I just dont understand why he did things the way he did and why he threw in the insults about me as he was doing them. Why he needs to get a home, buy all new furniture, dishes, etc if this is truly a temporary thing. I tried to ask him what his plan was-what he thought would change with him being in a different house-what he was going to do to stop his downward spiral and ss's problems? I got crickets. Evidently he is waiting til ss messes up so bad that he gets hauled off to the juvenile justice system-that's what he actually said-that things could explode with ss in the next week. But, again, if he really thinks that then why is he taking such permanent sorts of steps.

SS will be 14 next month by the way-not 8 as another poster mentioned. And I agree I thought it was sooo strange that he wanted positives from me when I and my dd were the ones wronged. He has told me many times leading up to this that he feels as if he is "drowning". I know he is in legitimate distress-but I dont quite understand why he doesnt reach out to me as a lifeline instead of striking against me? I have asked him that and that's when he basically indicated that I blew that by not being supportive to him and saying something positve after ss stole our panties.

Then I realize that I am trying to figure out a man-who on his best days doesnt really think straight (he has a mild traumatic brain injury), and being stressed, not sleeping nor eating has really made his thinking f'ed.
At this point I am just going to back off trying to talk to him. Give him sometime to figure out what he needs to do. I will see an attorney next week if things are still going poorly. (cant take off anymore this week).

I do not plan to let him take the dogs although I am afraid he went there this morning and got them. My dd10 cried when I said something about giving her dad the dogs and evdiently he tried to take the dog on Tuesday before I got home and she cried then. He knows that she,especially, will be upset. She is our mutual dd. He acts like he just doesnt care if she will be upset. But then if I confront him on that-he talks about how much he loves all the kids and will be there for them whenever they need him. So what, they can call him? Because he cant have visits with them-which he actually agreed on. he cant leave ss home alone. So he'd have to get a babysitter and transportation to and from the visit. His family is running him around all week long taking ss to school, detentions, house hunting, to the bank, store,etc-since they dont like me anyway I m thinking visition with MY children (as my sil calls them ALL) is not going to be a priority for them. I am not sure I posted it or not but when dh called bm to let her know what was going on with ss and if she'd take him-she said no she would not, but he could call her anytime he wants. So, he has placed himself on the same level with bm by offering to be a parent by talking to the kids on the phone. Also, he said they should call him. They are busy so he does not want to waste his time trying to call them and they jsut need to call him when they want to talk. He is placing the responsbility of the relationship with THEM.

My poor sweet son-who dh has been a father to since he was 9 months old-my boy who NEVER talks about his feelings tells me last night that he feels like he hates his dad because he left. Then he looked at me-all guilty like he was going to be in trouble for saying such a thing. I suggested he tell dh how he felt and he did talk to him, but ended up telling him he loved him, missed him, and wanted him to come home. And dh's reaction was to be glad that he (my son) made him feel better. It was not to comfort my son-it was to be glad that my son offered him love.

I think I am going to try and get out of town for a couple of days this weekend-kids are on spring break. I know financially it is a bad idea, but I feel like I need to go somewhere and truthfully turn off my cell phone and jsut forget about it-give my kids some fun so they think of something else for awhile.

He is also telling me that he

Ah. The old it's-not-you-it's-me argument. How refreshing.

I just dont understand why he did things the way he did and why he threw in the insults about me as he was doing them. Why he needs to get a home, buy all new furniture, dishes, etc if this is truly a temporary thing.

AND he's trying to be a big enough d*ck so that you will want to leave the marriage, ergo he won't be the bad guy; you will.

What an ass. I'm so sorry for you. It seems he's made up his mind and is doing a horrible job of breaking it to you softly. {{{{{BIG BIG HUGS}}}}}

I do not plan to let him take

Change the locks ASAP if for no other reason than this.

You've gotten a lot of good

You've gotten a lot of good advice. All I have to say is DON'T GIVE UP THE DOGS! The only way someone is getting my dog is by prying his leash out of my cold, dead hands. In all seriousness, though, I think the pets should stay with the kids. If he's leaving, your kids are upset. They need their pets, they're going through enough change. I would also wonder about his ability to actually take care of the dogs.

You've given too much, he

You've given too much, he thinks he can do whatever he wants without repercussions if he throws you a bone or two.

My heart breaks for you. I've been there. See an attorney, protect your DD.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

His, DO NOT let him make you

His, DO NOT let him make you think for one minute that you are "messed up" in any way. You have proven yourself to be extremely levelheaded- probably done better than the rest of us ladies would! (at least me anyway, in your shoes I'd be a whirling banshee lol).See an attorney, if for nothing else than to protect yourself. I wonder how much of this negativity from him is coming from his family? Well, I guess it makes no never mind. And, unlike the OP's I WOULD have said something nice after th underwear incident- AFTER I had the little panty sniffing pervert hauled off to juvie!! Take care, and do go out of town this weekend. If for no other reason than to give your precious children a respite. (((hugs))) ps- and he doesn't get the fucking dogs!!

You are here

I just want to say thanks for all the support you all have given...

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