Step Daughter woes
I have joined this site as I am having trouble coping with the attitude of my 16 year old step daughter. Her dad and I have been together for 11 years, so she can't really remember life without me. We have never had a 'bond' and my husband doesn't like me to discipline either her or 13 yo brother. Just lately, I thought we were getting on better and even becoming quite close, but I have just overheard her telling her aunt that she hates me and wishes I didn't exist in her life. She also thinks I am 'really really f'ng annoying'! I am distraught as I had no idea she felt this way, although I have always thought she wasn't my biggest fan. Her words were not said in anger or in response to a particular event - this just seems to be the way she feels.
The kids come to stay with us twice a week and I have been making myself scarce when they are around as I don't want to even see them anymore, but this is putting a strain on my (otherwise happ) relationship with my husband.
Help - I want to run away.... I can't sleep properly and feel gutted.
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How is it putting a strain on
How is it putting a strain on your relationship?
Is your DH upset that you aren't around? Did you tell him what you overheard? I would react the same way. At some point, we cannot allow ourselves to be treated poorly. If someone doesn't treat us with respect, then why are we supposed to put up with it?
I do very little with the skids and SO when they come for visits. It just makes our relationship easier.
I can only imagine how much
I can only imagine how much that would suck to overhear. Luckily I haven't gotten that from the boys, but they're younger and boys. Some of it might just be usual teenage girl stuff. I had serious issues with my mom when I was a teenager, and she was my mom. I can't even imagine how awful I would have been to a step-mother. I was fairly moody, always right and generally a bitchy PITA.
If her overall behavior towards you hasn't changed (I realize it wasn't overwhelmingly warm before, but still), as hard as it is I would try to just blow this off for now. If she is treating you differently, then yes, you are right to limit your contact rather than allowing her to treat your poorly. Remember that she doesn't have to like you, but she has to respect you. Likewise, you don't have to like her, but you do have to respect her. If the respect isn't there, then don't bother. If it is there, then just hope that she grows out of whatever "phase" she's in right now.
Thanks for your comments- I
Thanks for your comments- I am having a wee cry just knowing that other people are out there understanding how it feels. 'sorryilovemydogmore' - there are no signs of respect show to me by either stepchildren, yet I try to continue to respect their privacy and right to their opinions. The strain is coming because my husband won't back me up (I have told him about this) because he is terrified of rocking the boat. he thinks if he gives the kids a row about the way they treat me, that they won't wan to come to stay with us anymore.
The sad thing for me as a step parent - there are none of the 'benefits' of being a natural parent - the unconditional love which underlies mood swings and teenage phases. In 11 years, I cannot think of one occasion when the kids have been genuinely pleased to be in my company.
I know I am not a difficult person to be around as I am blessed with many lovely friends and I have a great relationship with all the rest of both mine and my husband's families.
It's just soooo tiring and wearing....I am on the verge of ignoring my husband's pleas to remain neutral and having amother of all blowouts where I will tell SD how disgusted I am with the way she treats me. Good idea? Or do I just continue to put up and shut up?
This is what I went through.
This is what I went through. Same thing. SO doesn't want to rock the boat with SD. SO defends SD. Its me who is the problem. Not SD16.
Yeah ok. I disengaged. I speak when spoken to, I don't drive them anywhere, I don't do special things for her or with her. I don't help her with anything. NOTHING. The only thing I do is provide medical attention when needed and speak when spoken to. I don't even talk to SO about the kids anymore. It opens too many doors to frustration. If you want to treat me badly fine. At some point, its my own fault for letting you do it. I don't let them do it.
My only advice to you is to cut her out. Speak to her respectfully only when she speaks to you. When she asks you to do something for her, tell her here is all the stuff let me know if you need me to explain how to do it. SD asked me to make her coffee the other day. I pointed to the coffee pot in the closet and said "The coffee goes here and the water goes here. Let me know if you have any questions" I say it pleasantly, but I don't wait on people.
I got so sick of SO saying that he couldn't do anything about her behaviors and that he didn't want to enforce the rules we created. The final straw
1. He snuck a video to SD after we said she shouldn't watch those kinds of movies. SNUCK behind my back!!!
2. She was being a total bitch to me. I said something to him. His exact words "I could say something to her, but I don't think it will do any good"
FIne, here are the consequences. I'm done. I don't do outings with you guys, I don't help, I don't engage in the entertainment or well being of raising your children. You and SD (SS is actually nice to me) wanted to treat me poorly, fine. I am respectful as if they are house guests and that is it. Dad can handle the rest. The feeding, the chauffeuring, the ignoring of the spoiled behaviors.
When you take yourself out of the line of fire, she has nothing. Give her nothing. At some point, with time you will literally no longer emotionally care about her anymore.
You have done nothing wrong.
You have done nothing wrong. She is a teenager and a girl and that makes them doubly hard to deal with. Just make yourself scarce when she is around and make sure your husband knows why. Beyond that, there is nothing you can do. It is up to him to not tolerate it and up to her to change her behavior.
Hi dtzy - I am Scottish, but
Hi dtzy - I am Scottish, but a fair guess at Irish! It seems not to matter where in the world we are - family problems are the same the world over!
The general consensus is to let husband deal with whether or not to pull her up on her behaviour, make myself scarce and offer little of myself. It seems a shame as that's not really the kind of person I am naturally - I am more likely to be eager to please
I am really glad to have joined this forum and hope that maybe sometimes I can help someone else! I am off to see a dear friend who happens to be a psychiatric nurse - an excellent listener - I'll try not to talk about my crap life with my nippy wee stepdaughter tho!!