This hatred for BM is ruining me........
Been doing some chatting with my best friend..... My fiancé is always saying that he wishes I could just make SS8 part of the family, etc. Well, about a year ago, BM threatened CPS on me and has now made it where I am not allowed to discipline this kid at all. How can I put all that aside and let this kid into my "core" family and make him feel welcome when I am not allowed to "parent" him? Im not wanting to mother him one bit, but if my 8 yr old says shut up and then SS8 says shut up, Im only allowed to tell my kid that that language is not allowed in this house. I mean, literally I won't tell SS8 shit because he always goes back to BM and lies to her about me, so whats the point?!
So, here is my dilemma.........my best friend of 26 years is bound and determined that if BM and I could at least have a come to Jesus talk and hash some shit out (i.e. - rules in our/her house, me not being ok with her relationship with my fiancé, etc.) then maybe some of the animosity would be squashed and SS8 wouldn't feel like he has to act like such a shithead. (Don't think I am being harsh, if you do- read my other blogs) She is thinking a united front may be the only way to go.
I respect what she is saying, but I'm just not sure about this. I can't even be in the same room with this woman (BM) much less try and hash shit out. I HATE having this weighing on me....all this hatred I have towards BM. Also, I believe that if we do start to "get along" or whatever that BM will take that as an invite to have another inappropriate relationship with my fiancé. (i.e.- calling and texting about random stupid bullshit that has nothing to do with SS8).
I've been with my fiancé for 6 yrs and I will do whatever it takes to make this work.............I love him and he has taken my son in as his own.....- Is this a good step to take or not? I feel like if I just sit back and do nothing, then my fiancé and I will always have this "thing" in-between us and I can't stand it. My hatred for her sometimes overshadows our fights and then leads to something totally different and off topic. Maybe I won't have so much resentment for SS8 if BM and I didn't hate each other so much. UGH- obviously I need help! Thanks y'all!
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Comments
Why can't you discipline this
Why can't you discipline this kid? You don't have to beat him within an inch of his life (Though it kinda sounds like it wouldn't hurt). But put him in the corner, put him in his room, etc. And who gives a rip if she calls CPS, as long as you aren't beating him with a lead pipe there isn't anything they can do to you.
I live in Washington state, CPS here is a joke so whenever people act scared about CPS I just don't understand.
SS8 went back to BM once and
SS8 went back to BM once and said I yelled at him and "cornered" him. Whatever. I disciplined both boys the same way and stuck them both in time out. Give me a break!
I wouldn't have a meeting
I wouldn't have a meeting with her. It's none if her business how you and your x run your household. There is nothing wrong with setting rules in your house and enforcing them as long as it is not physical discipline you are talking about.
The person who needs to be telling her this is not you. Your SO needs to step up and support you. You don't need to be involved.
Thank you Mazzy. I needed
Thank you Mazzy. I needed that. It sure is hard when she butts in the way she does!!!
Everyone is entitled to their
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Freddom of speech and all that. But consider this ... I bet you do not treat the boy any different than his teacher does. So does BM head off to school and rant and rave?
See she can complain to CPS as much as she likes. If it is unfounded then her repeated complaints will end up round filed. If they come calling you can tell them "My son and my fiance's son were cursing like sailors. I told them both to stop it and put them in time out." (I wouldn't call him your sson to the authorities just yet as it isn't a legal status ... yet.)
You are renting far too much headspace to analysing her every move or thought. And she isn't even paying rent! Yes, indifference is something to strive for. And as for the s/son, when he behaves like a shit say to him "Do you want to tell your mother the truth or your version so mom feels sorry for you?" But save that for really BAD stuff...
We're going through the same
We're going through the same thing here - vindictive BM and SKIDS who lie about us and don't follow rules at our house and whose bad behaviour rubs off on our 5-yr-old :S In a perfect world, all 2nd wives would get along with their BM's. But we live in the REAL world. All I can do is make sure that MY son knows right from wrong - I don't give a shit what the SKIDS do at THEIR house. But when they're at MY house, they need to follow MY rules. It IS unfortunate that BM lets them run wild at her house - as long as she's got her cigarettes and beer and support cheque, she's happy. She can (and HAS) run to CAS all she wants. All they're gonna find over here is a clean smoke-free house in a good neighbourhood, and 2 parents who are trying to raise their kids the best that they can. Anyway, she's had so many issues with CAS that they don't even entertain her calls anymore!
Point is, if SS is in YOUR house, you have every right to discipline him - albeit not to the point of PHYSICAL discipline. He has to follow your rules, no matter what. LET him lie to BM - the worst she can do is call CPS. If there is nothing bad going on in your house, oh well. She'll just get called out for making false accusations and her credibility will go down. There is a small percentage of 2nd wives who get along with their BMs. For myself, personally, I DON'T want a good relationship with my FH's ex. Once I start opening the lines of communication with her, that's when she'll start causing drama.