Mirror opposite here! I want my SD18 to move out as soon as she graduates; but I fear that if I say anything to my husband that he won't feel that its my decision to make and I will be making him choose. I don't know here -- is it better to say that this is a decision that needs to be made together and have a little "give and take"? Or is there any comprmising at all in this type of situation? I don't want my husband to look at me in a different light at all.

It sounds like your husband has disengaged. Which is what we tell SMs here all the time. Why would you think that is immature?

Anywhoo, as newwife3 pointed out - what ARE his plans at 18?

Yikes, I can imagine how this feels on both ends. I think theres a time when you see the future of when your own child moves out, but as time gets closer, the less you really want it to happen. My mom and I were close, and at 18, I went off to college and never went back home, since then Ive always lived an hour away.

I think there should be even more of a push for a independent child when your relationship at home isnt the kid's mom and dad. I can see how I would have stayed home with my mom if college had been closer or whatnot, but never if she had been in a relationship. Kids grow up and move on, and way too many kids graduate school and dont know how to move on and take care of themselves.

I would bet if it were one of his kids, youd be WAY ready for them to be gone, and fast!

Our solution for this issue was a united perspective. My wife and I set our goals early in our marriage and included raising SS to viable adulthood as one of those marrital goals.

Preferably we would have liked for him to go to college (we are very happy and willing to finance his education) but he chose otherwise.

He finished HS in 2010 and did not make application to any colleges. So we told him that if he were not in school he had to have a job. He did not do that. So, we made him our beck-and-call-boy. He cooked, he cleaned, he did laundry, he folded it and put it away. When he figured out how to get all of that done in a few hours a day we had him repeat much of it and added a bunch of other insanely boring crap to his list. Wash the screens and windows inside and out, clean the gutters, brush off the outside of the house once a week, to keep the bugs/spider webs down, touch up paint the fence and house trim, etc, etc, etc....

Basically we built a burning platform that he either suffered the heat or he jumped off. He chose to jump. One day he asked me if I could come home early to go with him to meetings with teh USMC and USAF recruiters. I gladly participated.

As he approached HS graduation we outlined very clearly that after he graduated and turned 18 (2mos after graduation) he had a choice. Follow the household rules and participate as an active and contributing member of the household or leave. He was not required to stay though it is and always will be his home too. We made it clear that the whining, defiant crap of his childhood and prior teen years was instantly unacceptable. He clearly understood the terms of his continued residence in the family home and for the most part he did a pretty good job of keeping his head on straight during that phase.

He is now 19 and has been in the USAF for a year (next month). He is also now in college both for his job with the USAF and on his own initiative so he can finish his undergrad during his first 6yr enlistment.

I became his dad when he was 1yo. He is my son and my home is his home.... with rules. His mom and I both miss him very much but are also very proud that though it was occassionally a major struggle we did raise him to be a viable adult.

Even if I had wanted him gone I would not have dictated to my wife that she boot her son out of our home when he turned 18. A marriage of equity partners means that those partners have an equity say in all things including how kids who live in the home or are part of the family will be raised.

I would make a point for the two of you to go to a nice dinner in a quite place where you can discuss this to some reasonable solution/agreement. DH needs to understand that you will not be kicking your child out on their 18th birthday but neither will you allow your home to be the kid's flop house. You and DH need to come to a joint position on how all of the kids will be dealth with regarding this issue.

For us it was not as big of a deal. We only have one.

Good luck.

Times have changed and the economy sucks... I have no problem letting my 18 yr old daughter live under my roof. The rules were, get a job, be productive or go to college. I did have a problem when one of my bio children wanted to sleep all day.. I did tell her to move her rear, get a job, I was not supporting her. She moved out.

Depends on the situation I reckon but I would not be agreeable to having my DH give me an ultimatum.. he goes and you can go with him.. just heartess to me..

My 18 y.o., well she is 19 now, goes to college, lives on campus, and works 2 jobs. She still has a room in our house for breaks and such and when she wants to come home. She can do her laundry free of charge and is how "we" are helping her during this time. Her room will be there until she graduates and decides to move out. Given that she loves the social aspects of college - and sometimes her SF "bugs" her - she is never home unless she has to be.

Yes kids are considered adults at 18, I am for giving them a helping hand - NOT A HAND OUT - to ensure they are successful in their life - and do not have to return to the roost.