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Lack of romantic effort

dodgegal05's picture

Submitted by dodgegal05 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 6:55pm

Here it is, the day after valentines day. On the day of valentines day SO suggests dinner on day after bc it is less busy. I agree.
SO: "Where?"
Me: You pick, you know where I like to eat. It'd be nice if you would plan a date.
SO: Okay, but you only really like three places.
I suggested a few others that we dont go to bc of distance (within half an hour of home)
SO: well, make reservations tomorrow for 7:00
Me: (Said nothing)
I guess he assumed that what's what I meant by "You plan a date."
So Its the day after valentines day, he gets home at 5:30 ( plenty of time to call in reservations).
SO: Did you make the reservations?
ME: Yes ( I only did because I really want to go out to dinner, if you want it done (at all) in this relationship I do it myself), but it would of been nice if you would put some effort into being romantic.
SO: Its easier for you to use the phone during the day than me. (He has a half hour lunch at noon and could easily use the phone.)
ME: Its always easier for me to do things.
SO: Fine we wont go out tonight and we wont ever do anything ever again.
Instead of owning up to not trying he just gets mad at me and dismisses the entire subject. We already dont go out on friday nights (used to every weekend), dont have sex (unless I initiate), So I guess we'll add going out on dinner dates to the list.
I'm just venting, I know men are not planners generally, but this dinner was my only vday gift. I didnt get a card or flowers, so now I guess dinner is a bust too.
I got him a gift, not to make him feel bad about his lack of gifting. I saw something he would really like and got it for him.
I know its just a day blown out of proportion by greeting card companies, but SO never puts any effort into being romantic.

Comments

stepmonster_2011's picture

Submitted by stepmonster_2011 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 7:09pm

I don't buy the "men aren't planners" crap. My husband is the biggest caveman out there - but even he knows how to get a decent card and plan a dinner out.

I just want to clarify something you wrote - this guy is your SO (so - not married right?) and you aren't having sex unless you initiate?

Dude. I'd be pushing that issue HARD! My first marriage dissolved because my exH lost all interest in sex. When you don't have that physical connection - it becomes REALLY hard to keep the emotional connection. Just sayin' - been there done that.

dodgegal05's picture

Submitted by dodgegal05 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 7:23pm

@stepmonster; not married, tired of getting excuses or accused all I care about is sex.
@Alice; thanks i thought about it, hes desnse enough he probably wont care or even know why I did (if i did go out alone.) or he'd say im being over emotional and over reacting (gaslighting).
I feel like I am at a loss to do anything with this man, he is so stubborn and stuck in his ways.
Thanks for the replies, I just feel so unappreciated, its good to know others understand my plight.

Amazedstepmom's picture

Submitted by Amazedstepmom on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 7:28pm

I agree w above post. If sex life isn't at least somewhat where you like it, it is hard to keep that emotional connection. Every relationship has peaks and valleys but if it's all valleys it is a recipe for disaster.

Stuck33's picture

Submitted by Stuck33 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 10:24pm

I too have to agree with the above statements. One of the red flags of this post is the lack of sex....close after that is the notion that your SO simply can't be "bothered" by the inconvenience of planning a date together. It sounds to me like this guy has problems with intimacy or he is really fucking lazy!! I would put off the wedding date with this man until things improve. This is for the rest of your life!!!
Is he aware of what his behaviors indirectly tell you?? Do you tell him what he can do to make things better? Oh girl! I so feel for you!!
I have had THE same problem with my husband. To make a long story short, I made it clear that I was willing to leave him if things did not improve. With all his baggage, if the emotional connection and sex aren't there....he's just not worth it! Sounds mean, I know but I put it in a more diplomatic manner. Wink

dodgegal05's picture

Submitted by dodgegal05 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 11:54pm

I have tried to tell him what want and need from him. He uses excuses like "I've never done that", "I cant do that". I take those excuses as "I wont do that" usually. He says he loves me, tells me im sexy, etc... but his actions say the opposite.
I am definently leaning towards this relationship not being worth it.

bestwife's picture

Submitted by bestwife on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 8:15pm

What are you getting out of this relationship? Think long and hard about why you are with him. There are other fish in the sea.

dodgegal05's picture

Submitted by dodgegal05 on Wed, 02/15/2012 - 11:35pm

@bestwife; I am not sure if I am getting anything out of this relationship at this point except a roof over my head. It has gotten progressivly worse since September of 2011 and I truly feel that I cannot continue feeling this way anymore.
I dont feel very connected at all latley.
We did end up going to dinner, got there 30 mins after reservation time bc I thought he didnt want to go anymore, but he asked if we were going when we'd be late if we left then. Dinner went fine, didnt talk much. Ate, came home, now he is sleeping on the couch. I So love date night...not.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 1:25am

As a man I don't do V-Day. Instead I do Groundhog's Day. There is nothing like a hairy musky rodent to scream romance. }:)

This year I got my bride a nice ring for GHD. We were visiting our son (My SS-19) in San Angelo TX where he is stationed in the USAF. I got her a pearl ring from an oyster that only lives in the Concho river near San Angelo. A gift that showed her that I remembered her on GHD and comemorates our visit to our kid.

Of course I grouse about V-Day as a fake Hallmark holiday but ..... I usually will get her a card and give it to her when I take her to dinner V-Day and I send flowers to her office on V-Day with a comment along the lines of "Ooops! I forgot flowers on Ground Hog's Day. Please forgive me."

Gotta be a smartass you know.

She flew in last night (Feb 15) from a trip to the US. I had a huge bouqet on the table waiting for her when we got home from the airport. As much as I protest V-Day I yet again shredded a copy of my man card and gave her flowers and a card expounding on our 18 V-Day together (17 as a married couple). No dinner last night though. She got in at 10:00 and by the time she gothrough immigration and customs and we got home we were both too tired for dinner. So we settled for a late night shower and king sized bed naked twister before we turned out the lights. Dirol

I agree with everyone who has pointed out the dangers of a lack of intimacy in a marriage. Sex can't make a marriage but it sure can end one. It ended my first marriage to my XW the ice queen. My wife and I both commited early in our marriage that intimacy would be a priority and that we would both work at showing our appreciation for the other and work hard at fulfilling the other's needs and desires.

I crashed and burned on my first marriage. But the second one is looking good so far.

Good luck.

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

Submitted by Mommyto1Stepto2 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 11:08am

I can totally relate. I had the worst Valentine's Day this year! Usually we go out for dinner or to a movie or something. I was a little bummed that we weren't going to do ANYTHING this year. Why is that you have kids and then the romance is gone?