Deciding if a baby is the way to go...(Please give me more than the "Leave-him-girl" rants

My DH is pretty much a punk when it comes to his son and BM. Where they are not involved, our relationship comes first. However, he goes really far to make sure his son is comfortable and his BM is off his back. If I ever speak out against things that I disagree with or things that make me uncomfortable I am considered selfish, insecure and jealous. So in an effort to appear to be those things, I hold SOME things in. Anyway, although I am married, this makes me feel that I still don't feel a good union with my husband. I still feel like the third wheel when it comes to matters of him and his son. Many people who know me and my husband, and have experienced what I am going through believe that the way to resolve this is to have a baby with my husband. Their advice is that once a baby is in the mix, my DH won't be able to trump his own son over our relationship because he will have his own responsibilities at home. My DH is says he does not want another baby because we are not financially ready for it. No, we are not, but I'm not sure when we will ever be. (I hope he is not just leading me along...I will be 32 this year and he will be 41 so time really isn't on our side) Whenever I bring up the finances, I get accused and criticized for not doing a better job with my own life financially and told that it will not be his fault if I don't get a chance to have a child because I could have set my life up better to be more financially ready to parent. (He's says that I can have all the children I want if we can afford them) I feel like I'm getting conflicting advice because I always believed that a baby could not help a marriage but I'm tired of this second rate marriage. Before you go into the "LEAVE HIM GIRL" rants please be mindful of everthing that is tied into a marriage...investments, homes, and dare I say it...LOVE. Plus...it's my marriage so of course I want it to work. However, I don't know how I feel about manipulating it to work. (I would have to get pregnant without discussing it with husband first b/c you already know how he feels about it) Also, he has filed for full time custody of his son. I'm not sure how I feel about helping someone raise a child who refuses to have one with me.

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Ok, well I won't tell you to

Ok, well I won't tell you to leave him...but I will advise you NOT to have a baby with him. Having a baby fixes NOTHING. Nothing. It only complicates everything. From my experience, (yes my experience, learn from it, please!) is that he will still put his ohter kid first, and expect way more out of your child then he does his other one, and that will infuriate you as a mother. He will still be a guilty dad, but with a baby he will probably feel even more guilty, because the new baby would live with him full time, and his other kid doesn't get to.

If you decide to have a baby with him at this point, in order to fix things, YOU WILL REGRET IT.

I definitely wouldn't have a

I definitely wouldn't have a child nor manipulate him into having one because that WILL NOT solve your problems. However, it could make him resent you and give you the label of 'having a baby to trap/keep him.' I'm sorry to say but if someone doesn't want a child, and you force them to have one, married or not, you're taking away their choice.

If the tables were turned and someone poked holes in their condoms to have a baby with you so you'd care about them and put them first, or not leave them, even though you didn't want a child, how would you feel?

Like the others said, whoever told you a baby would solve things is an idiot. Sorry, but having one will not mask the issues in your marriage and it won't fix it either, the only time a baby actually makes things better is when the foundation of the marriage is already strong. I also have strong opinions against using children as pawns, as that is what most, if not all the bms we complain about on this site have done.

Put the brakes on for a

Put the brakes on for a minute.

You have a baby together because that's what BOTH people in the relationship want and you decide together that that's what you're going to do. You NEVER have a baby because you think it will solve problems you already have. Here's some serious news: Pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn at home add stresses to the strongest relationships.

Do not manipulate your husband into having a baby with you against his will. This is the most terrible breech of trust there can be. Ask any man who is stuck with a BM in their life because she did the same thing....tried to stabilize a marriage with a child. It's cruel.

I do think you should tell your husband how you feel about him filing for full custody of his son. If the reason he doesn't want a child with you right now is because you aren't financially stable enough, how are you financially stable enough to take his son full time? That doesn't add up. If I were in your situation I would feel very resentful of the stepson if that were the reason I couldn't have a baby with my husband. It really reeks of "second family, second class" treatment.

Excellent advice ladies!!!

I don't think you should

I don't think you should leave him, but I don't think having a baby will improve the situation. A better alternative might be to get marital counseling. If you're religious, consider asking your pastor. If you don't know if you can afford it, call your state's department of health and mental services and ask someone there to help you find out what your options are. If DH isn't open to that, consider seeking some counseling for yourself. Consider asking DH to get counseling for SS, or get it put in the court order that SS receives counseling. It could be very beneficial to him, especially if his mother has issues.

PLEASE listen to what these

PLEASE listen to what these wise people have said here. There are few acceptable reasons to bring a child into the world and this is NOT one of them. Especially due to the instability of your marriage and your agreement that things are not financially there at the moment.

It is up to YOU and your DH to improve this "second rate marriage", not a baby, and not the "many people" giving you terrible advice.

"There are few acceptable

"There are few acceptable reasons to bring a child into the world and this is NOT one of them."
Exactly!

The most wonderful thing a mother can do for her child is make sure NOT to bring them into a "second rate" relationship of any kind. Babies are innocent and don't ask to be born, it is up to the parents to bring them into the right situation even before they are concieved.

I know how much my DH despises his ex girlfriend for getting pregnant to try to "trap" him. It definately affects his relationship with his daughter because he never wanted her in the first place and she feels more like a burden (he would never let SD know that, he treats her the same as our daughter) to him than a gift.

Let me make sure I understand

Let me make sure I understand your "bottom line" here. You want to have a baby to even the score? I don't want to comment on this until I definitely understand.

LOL...unwillingparticipant...

LOL...unwillingparticipant...in all honesty, that's pretty much what it is. No, I don't WANT to do it that way, but evidently it's the way it's done for a lot of SMs. I was just wondering if anyone felt there was any credibility to what I've been told. Please comment.

Thanks for the comment

Thanks for the comment HelpMeeee. But are you saying that I should wait until DH pushes me to start a family?

I DID NoT even finished

I DID NoT even finished reading your post
Because...

I can't believe that you are anyone else would THINK

having a baby WOULD change anything...

Come on, are you so desparate to believe such a thing..

That POOR baby...doesn't have a chance..

WAKE UP!!

Calm down Dannee and don't be

Calm down Dannee and don't be so naive. I have heard of people conceiving to save a marriage and I'm surprised you've never heard of that. I neither saying it's right nor wrong. What I proposed DID WORK for another step family and they are surviving well. I am not judging their decsion, however, unlike you and me...they are NOT on a Step parent website looking for support so perhaps what they are thinking has some validity somewhere. Even if there is on only 5% of available truth you maybe able to learn something and then maybe you won't need "steptalk.org". Just saying!

Actually, very, very, very

Actually, very, very, very few times (as in, your friends are the only ones) have I heard it would actually work. My SO was "the baby that would save the marriage," did he? Nope, parents still split in a nasty divorce.

His kid was what BM thought she could use to make him date and eventually marry her (when they had nothing but a physically fling.) Did that do anything? Nope.

If we were on rocks and he was treating me second rate, do I think a baby will fix anything? No, because it doesn't fix what is FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG between us. If anything, his guilty daddy syndrome will be even more prevalent because now he feels like he betrayed his first kid/kids and you will no longer be second rate but perhaps even third or fourth, along with this child you brought into the world.

As it is, my SO wants to have a baby with me, I'm not ready yet, but I will be in a few years and he is willing to wait because it is not just one person's decision, but two. I cannot condone taking away anyone's freedom in such a underhanded way, especially using a child and trying to justify "because it worked for someone else." I would read this site closely, and see that a LARGE MAJORITY of BMs who lost their husbands/SO's had kids to try to "save their relationships." It didn't work? Why? Because their relationship wasn't going to work out anyway and a baby would have done nothing to save it.

Actually Echo, after I read

Actually Echo, after I read any responses I read bios. Not in one bio have I read that anyone on here is here to only "give" support. Lets be honest here...this is a site where people are having issues in their marriages and stepfamilies come to VENT, COMPLAIN and hopefully find some sort of validation for what they are feeling and thinking. Let's not pretend that this site is something that it is not. As for the advice about children that sooooo many of you are giving to me...isn't hind sight 20/20? Perhaps if some of you had had the strength to ask what many of you consider "stupid" questions before having a child with your "darling husbands" and in some cases "significant others" you wouldn't be responding to me based upon your regrets and negative experiences. And perhaps you (like me) wouldn't be dependent on this website.

Woah, hold on. Echo never

Woah, hold on. Echo never said it was a "stupid" question. Indeed many people have pondered the same thing as to whether having an "ours" child to "overtake" the step would make their DH care about them more. Our answers are based on the history you gave us, that your DH does NOT want a child with you right now and your relationship is rocky do to him putting the skid first--given these variables, an overwhelming majority of those who had identical situations, had had it backfire on them, so to speak. DH ends up "favoring" the skids, MIL ends up "favoring" the skids", new wife is left taking care of the "ours" child by herself, because DH didn't want it.

Our other main issue is that you are willing to manipulate/lie about fertility issues in order to make your DH believe you honestly had an "oops" baby in order to get him to put you first.

Think about it: if you didn't want a child, your partner tricked you and you became pregnant, says NO, you cannot have an abortion or give it up for adoption, you will have the child because it will keep you to me and make you care about me more than anything else, how violated would you feel?

However, I understand there are people in this world who are willing to do so, and I wouldn't be surprised in a couple of years if a new SM will come on here and complain about this BM who thought tricking her husband into having a kid with her would save their marriage.

The most respectful thing to do is to ask your husbands full feelings about having a child, if he even wants one, and to set a financial goal or age as to when he can promise you he will be ready, and stick to that.

I am not planning to have an

I am not planning to have an "oops" baby. But it appears that several people on here have. I never said "echo" said anything was stupid...I was simply stating that genarally that is what several responders believe. I simply asked a question based upon some information that was relayed to me by another step family and asked how you all felt about it. From that..I was called "desperate" (by Echo) All I asked is what you all thought about what someone else said about my situation...I did not come for the abuse. Now if you want to pass judgemnet and attempt to criticize my question and disguise it as advice then trust that I will have something to say. We are all on here with problems. BTW where in my statement did I say I was WILLING to trick my husband into having a baby. Go back and read my blog and you will see that I do NOT want to do that! I think so many of you have so many issues that you are immediatley defensive and judgemental. It's called "projection". You see and heae what you want to see and hear and criticize others to the fullest because what they are saying to you reflects what is actually happening in your own life. I come here with perspectives and they are met with a lot of anger. Why is that? You are busy telling the problems "you have with me" as per your previous response...

"(Our other main issue is that you are willing to manipulate/lie about fertility issues in order to make your DH believe you honestly had an "oops" baby in order to get him to put you first.)"

You are obviously unclear about who I am and what my concerns are. Again...I am not willing to manipulate ANYONE as I stated earlier. Perhaps what I can learn from some of you is how NOT to be bitter and judgemental and how to properly read, understand and respond to someone's blog. I have reposted my initial blog so that you can read it AGAIN b/c you did not read it right the first time.

I have to admit that your

I have to admit that your original post made me a feel a little defensive, yes - because of the "don't give me any of the leave-him-girl rants" and the implication that we wouldn't take into account that you have invested in your marriage. It's kind of like saying, "I don't need your stinking advice... but give me your advice".

Seems like you decided even before you posted this that we "see and heae what you want to see and hear and criticize others to the fullest".

I stand by my previous statement that -- regardless of the rightness, wrongness, or even thought that you might manipulate your husband -- fixing an unrelated problem is not an acceptable reason to bring a child into the world.

"However, I don't know how I

"However, I don't know how I feel about manipulating it to work. (I would have to get pregnant without discussing it with husband first b/c you already know how he feels about it) "

and "I have heard of people conceiving to save a marriage and I'm surprised you've never heard of that. I neither saying it's right nor wrong. What I proposed DID WORK for another step family and they are surviving well."

I think we are simply worried you are actually considering it, due to this segment of the post. I apologize if we come off harsh, but you seem to already have your mind made up that it would work, based on the advice of your friends.

I am of the understanding we're actually having a discussion about this, although it seems as though you take it as an attack, because we are telling you our opinions and experiences on the matter of having a baby to save a marriage.

Perhaps there is a miscommunication in terms of tone when it comes to online responses and often things get lost in translation. As you have clarified, you are not willing to manipulate him to get a baby, but it did seem to us, at the time, that it is something you consider doing, so I think there is error on both our parts. I'm not sure what you're looking for--your feelings are indeed valid, for wanting a child of your own, for thinking it might "fix" things, a lot of people think that, sometimes, even I think it.

Heck, my SO (whose not even a stepparent) believes that having a child with me would also "make things better," to even the playing field, so he can show BM that the family he chose to have is the most important one, so to say. But as I told him, if our relationship isn't strong, having a baby will only make it worse, and those are pretty silly reasons to have a child.

Take it with a grain of salt, for all the things we say are only opinions, and I'm sorry if we sounded like we wanted to force you to make one decision or another. Not my intention, and I hope you won't think ill of us. We really do mean for the best and it is a difficult situation for anyone to be in.

There's no miscommunication

There's no miscommunication on my part: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MANIPULATING IT TO WORK means I don't know how I feel about manipulating it to work. "I have heard of people conceiving to save a marriage and I'm surprised you've never heard of that. I neither saying it's right nor wrong." means I'm not calling what someone has done right or wrong. Just wanted to know if any of you had heard of this and what you thought. I don't pass judgement. Read what I right LITERALLY...I work very hard to be as direct as possible.

Oh and BTW...I know an attack

Oh and BTW...I know an attack when I read one...