I can't belive what my dh just told me!!! (tears in my eyes)
Last night i was talking to DH, i been holding back from asking him a question i been wanting to ask him since we started dating. Yesturday i finally got the guts to ask.
"DH if BM never left you, would you still be with her today?"
DH response was,
"Yea she was the one that left, i would have never left her because of the kids, even though we fought and really didn't get along,i would of stuck by her side for the kids."
I was in shock not knowing what to say! :sick: I felt so used and the only reason why we where together was because she left him, if not he would still be with her!
I don't know what to think about this my mind so blank, my heart is in so much pain and i feel like a zombie at work.
It makes me think does he still have feeling for BM?
It makes me feel like i'm his last option!
Girls let me know what should i do?
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Momster: After reading ur
Momster:
After reading ur response, i feel like a load has fallen off my back.
You sure did put a smile on my face
I know DH stop loving Bm when
I know DH stop loving Bm when they were together, for the fact that he did everthing from getting the kids ready for school, taking them to school and picking them up, working graveyard and having to come home and to still do all the house cleaning when DH is tired from a night of work. While BM didn't work she would sleep in while my DH would cook for himself or BM would ask for out food everyday, he would wash all their clothes and he told me that he stopped washing BM clothes because she got mad at him for putting some of her clothes in the dryer. DH told me that BM was really lazy and that they would fight when he would tell her to clean up a little. So i know DH was counting the days she got her shit and left.
Yea.. she left him. DH's
Yea.. she left him. DH's exwife left him here too. However, that does not mean he loved her still, he just said he would have stuck it out for the kids. If he still loved her, he would still be pining for her. How does he act around her? Did he say he wanted to be with her? I know how it must have hurt to hear what he said.
Also, he married you. It was her choice to leave him and it was his choice to move on with his life and find someone he loves. I do not think he would married you if he didnt love you due to the only wanting to stick his last one out for the kids.
DH acts like BM is not even
DH acts like BM is not even there, I see BM tries her hardest to catch his eye but DH just really doesn't bother to look her way. When BM calls DH doesn't have a long talk with BM, DH just says yes or no or just repleys to her questions. DH never calls her because he feels like skids are old enough to speak for them selfs but when my skids have no clue in what he is asking then he feels he has to call BM and ask.
Pretty safe to say that hes
Pretty safe to say that hes only got eyes for you!!!:P
Addy2772 - most people that
Addy2772 - most people that get married really want to make it work - your DH is not saying that he wants to be with his ex now he is saying that he would not have left her or the children if he had had the choice. He said he would have stayed for the children.
Also I am trying to be alittle funny here but are you PMS'ing because if you think about it - if DH's ex had not left you would not even be in the same room as him to be asking the question - he even stated in his answer that they did not get along but IT WAS FOR THE CHILDREN he would have stayed together. That shows me he is a good father - and believe me there are a lot of fish in the sea so you are not his last option - there are plenty more out there - you are his first option.
Don't create drama and heartbreak for yourself where there is none and don't ask questions that you can't handle the answers to. If he has been acting strange lately or not paying attention to you then bring up questions like this but if things are going well - leave it alone - there will be so many other crappy situations that will arise in Step Parenthood - don't actively seek them out!!
Take a deep breath and maybe a glass of wine.
I agree completely, switch it
I agree completely, switch it on it's head and see it for the positives, you have a 'stayer' who's not going to leave at the drop of a hat.
My husband is the same, he
My husband is the same, he told me he would have stayed with BM for his kids, he also told me he felt suicidal every time he had to drive home from work so he purposely worked long hours and went out weekends to avoid her. But he would have stayed. She finally left him and it was the best thing that ever happened to him according to family and friends.
Like someone else said he "CHOSE" you and "WANTS" you. Some men think that they are doing the right thing even though they are not.
I wouldnt sweat it. He loves you!
It sounds like what he was
It sounds like what he was trying to say and kinda didnt do very well at communicating was that they had a pretty empty marriage and he was only with her for the kids and if she hadnt left him, he would still be in a really empty marriage and only for the kids. Doesnt sound like he had feelings for her even when they were married... sad. But good news for you.
That's the same situation
That's the same situation with my DH and the BM. They would get in horrendous fights, he would leave or she would kick him out and then they would end up back together again "for the kids." Then one time when broke up again, he met me. He even TOLD BM that he met me but she figured that the kids were her ace in the hole. The last time he "babysat" for her, she tried to get him to stay and he said no he was going to my apartment. She sat on the steps as he left and said, "You'll be back. You always are," and laughed at him.
Heck yes, sistah!!!! Other
Heck yes, sistah!!!! Other than flashes of morbid curiosity, I want absolutely no information about H's dating history. Because he was with a skanky ho for a while, I made him get thoroughly tested before we began a physical relationship for neither of us wanted to risk any STDs. If my H didn't have a crazy ex, that also happens to be the birthing vessel to my two skids, we would have XERO contact with any of H's extra's. The more I think about it, the more bizarre it is. No one seems to get how hard it is to date a kid with kids in the first place, but throw in a petty, immature, psychotic, jealous and vengeful ex and you have a full blown nightmare on your hands!
Our BM keeps trying to pump SS13 up with stories of her and her current barfly (imagine those guys that tend to stand around outside tattoo parlors smoking) in the hopes that they will get back to us, me specifically. She acts like she has some bizarre competition going with me and I think it's because she has never gotten over me "stealing her man" and she just can't let go. It's obvious that she is still head over heels for him, but on his side there is revulsion, anger and pity. She is so delusional that i don't know what it would take for her to realize that she needs to give up already! At first It made me enraged, but now my perspective is better and I can see that she is just a pathetic and desperate wannabe MILF and doesn't have a freaking clue about how to have a normal and healthy relationship. I don't a flying F^%&* if she manages to sucker some fool into being with her, but her track record is getting worse and worse and at this point she has a maximum of two dates before a guy dumps her. Of course, to her, this is the fault of all those evil men who did her wrong, and wouldn't occur to her that maybe SHE is the reason she can't get a "boyfriend" longer than two weeks at the most, but usually one or two dates.
I was talking/venting to my deliciously naughty and hilarious sister (who is only 2 years younger than I) and she made me laugh til I cried last night describing BM as "The Staten Island Ferry: Everyone Gets A Ride and It's Free." Mwuahahahahahaha!
Anyway, my main point here is that the hostility and nastiness that we encounter from BMs and BM sympathetic people is to rise about it and then laugh about them with your husband, closest friends, writing in a journal and if neccesary, bust open a nice glass of wine and sip up!!!!
Addy, If my XW would not have
Addy,
If my XW would not have left me I would not have left her.
We had no children and I still would not have left her if I knew no more now than I knew then. She cheated on me for most of our 2.5 year marriage. I did not know it at the time, probably because on a subconscious level I did not want to recognize what in hind site were some far less than subtle indicators.
If my XW had not left me I would not have been available to marry my soul mate four years after our divorce was final.
The past is the past and we are all a product of our personal experiences. If I had not had the experience of my first marriage I would not be the person I am to be a good partner for my bride. If she had not had the experience of being a single teen mom and the experience of her history with the SpermIdiot she would not be the same person she is. Without our pasts we would not have the incredible life we have had together for our 16yr marriage or the amazing future we wake up to as partners each morning.
The same is undoubtedly true for your DH. Do not put the stigma on your relationship of being hurt because he had no intention of leaving the mother of his children. Instead celebrate the character that a man like your DH has to be commited to his marriage and to being there for his children. Also celebrate that BM was so devoid of character and quality of substance that she threw such a man away so she could whore around. The experience of his marriage to BM helped make him the man he is. That is good for you. Do not lament his past. BM has only his past, you have him today and you are his future.
Her stupidity made your DH available to spend his life with you, waking each morning to enjoy your future together.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Wow i love ST, i've learn so
Wow i love ST, i've learn so much from everyone on here!
Thanks
I feel your pain as I deal
I feel your pain as I deal with the exact same thing. BF says that she left him and that he did not want her to leave....now she and her BF broke up and I have to deal with everyday worrying that she will change her mind and want to get back with him and then what will I do. I have asked him about it and he says that he would never go back to her and that his life is with me now but because I know that he didn't want the break -up I am VERY insecure in our relationship....
Crayon is right...I think most men feel the same way. No matter what a piece of crap wife and mother a woman is, they still feel this obligation to her and the kids. BM in my case is a terrible mother, housekeeper, couldn't manage money, and was irresponsible as hell. She used to go out without BF and come in at 1-2 in the morning drunk but he still didn't want her to leave. :? Most men are just dumb...no offense guys
I understand how you feel,
I understand how you feel, Addy. My FDH told me that exact same thing not long after he told me that he loved me. I was hurt, as you were, and confused. "Was I just a piece of ass? Did he still want her back? If she told him she was leaving her current husband (who she left FDH for), would he want to get back with her, for the sake of the kid?" All these things went through my head. I couldn't even look at him the next day, I was so hurt.
Here this amazing man who claims to love me says he didn't want the divorce, begged her in fact to go to marriage counseling together, anything to work it out. So was I just something he settled for, since she obviously, after 3 years, aint coming back? NO! He truly loves me for who I am. As others said, he would have stuck it out for the kid, even though he knew she cheated on him, but that doesn't equal a happy marriage, or good relationship.
I went a little further than others here, I think. I told him that his comment bothered me, and I needed some assurance that he loved me and not her, anymore. He was shocked that I was bothered. He said in no way did I compare to her, that what he has now is the best thing that ever happened to him, and if anything, he owes her a huge thanks for being a cheating whore, since eventually I came into his life. I bet you anything your guy is like mine. They don't always understand how a little comment can combine with hormones, and bring out insecurities that we don't want to know we have. I know that I am the one he loves, and if tomorrow she said she was leaving her husband and wanted to get back together for J's sake, I know he would tell her in what position she could sit on the fencepost. He loves me, and while he did love her, now she is simply the mother of his child, nothing more.