When is it over vs a bad patch?
I"m wondering what people here use as a measuring tool whether a relationship is just a bad patch or entirely over? Lets take the 'step' situation as only ONE part of this-not the entirety. Yesterday we were both able to calmly talk to eachother about 'big things' that are getting in the way for both of us and it was actually nice to talk to eachother and show our fears. I think a big mistake for us is that in a way we've acted like a married couple though we are not-and it took so much of the fun of dating out of our relationship.
With him his gloom/doom is the fact i have two kids-there are always kids in the house, if not just mine, sometimes friends, etc....and he takes a big role, maybe too big (by his choice mind you) with them. THat is not a character issue with me, it just is a fact.....if we are dating then he shouldn't have to be 'stepdad' already right?
For me my issues with him are character issues-his lack of financial independence, lack of effort in bettering his life which ties to depression. His lack of being able to control the situation w/SD and his ex-wife. These are hurting me.
We BOTH agree that we have lost all romance and fun and good times of dating eachother-yet I don't see that changing anytime soon until he gets his financial life straight. At least he's in school for a trade right now(finished first semester with straight A's) so in another year or so things will start looking up. I don't know, I feel like we both have just been going w/the flow the last year. Sex used to be unbelievable with him, we were both so connected and eager and all over eachother w/ affection. Its just GONE! FOr me it's tough because i seem to have lost respect for him and w/that the attraction wanes-i've felt down on myself physically also so that lowers libido-when it's not me not in the mood it's him....we went from daily to once a week. I don't know if we're prolonging the inevitable, so many things about him I love and want a life with him, but if these big issues aren't resolved there is no point. I feel that we should be able to talk about a breakup-how we would both feel about it, calmly, rationally, logically and be honest with eachother about where we both are. See if we want to keep trying to work on things or just try is alone for a while and seeing if space and time help us realize what we want. Long vent...I guess I'm trying to figure out how others determine when its time to end vs fighting for what you once had and know there is the potential to have together.
Up until very recently whereas I feel everything in our dynamic has changed-I could say this about him:
He was/is my bestfriend, made me laugh like no man every could, was sensual and loving yet a tomcat in bed lol, we always wanted to spend time together, he doesn't gamble, he doesn't cheat, he's not abusive, he's from a good family, his family embraces me and my kids fully, hes an old school traditional guy when it comes to family, loving with my sons, and he LIKES them and has told me several times before he loves my sons and feels he has more of a chance to help me mold them then his own child, he respects me and encourages me in my career, he is my biggest cheerleader I know he will always defend me and have my side, he calls me beautiful and gives praises a lot (less know that we're at odds), never just left to be w/friends of abandon me to watch football or game online -he could care less about video games, computers, hanging w/buddies...he's all about me when he's with me-loves my company, we used to communicate great-he knew what I was thinking, looking for, about to say-he would hand something to me before I even said a word, answered me before I even asked, knew me SO well, he got me and loved me for everything I am. We love cooking together, talking, listenign to music, we share our fears and joys in life.
On the flip side, he drinks, sometimes it's under control others it gets to be too much and he's using it to masque depression and issues w/his ex and sd. His financial life is not where it should be, he's always broke. He's SO stubborn (Taurus), and he may well listen to you, agree and not change a damn thing.....ever try convincing a bull to go where you want him to?? He gets very defensive and cannot cope with criticism well, takes everything extremelly bad (I"m a virgo so criticism is a trait I just have). He can't handle standing up to his ex, or his folks or sd, he will not discipline her. Then there's SD -which is HUGE issue to me (or as he says hellacious "little girl"-barf) He's not driven, ambitious or wanting to change his life right now-I think a lot of this boils down to deep depression, but 3 years later I feel like i'm drowning waiting for this to turn around you know? He can be full of hope and happiness one day and down in the dumps, sad, negative the next. Winter depression hits us BOTH hard making it extremelly difficult in cold season for us to be together. (Hence my suggestion to move to FL-one of MANY reasons).
He can be convinced of our future, wants to marry me, wants a life with me, and then on his PMS week it's all hopeless (much like me lol), he is too tied to his past and feeling like a victim because of his ex and skid situation, but he's only 31 and has a LIFE ahead of him, he can't seem to get this sometimes....I dont' know I feel like things are just going nowhere and don't know if it can be fixed, i'm just blogging to get things off my chest, that's all. Feels better.
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My DH is sounds alot like
My DH is sounds alot like your SO (except for the drinking part) MIL swears he's bi-polar, but I don't think he is... BUT he definately has up and down mood swings. His are more due to a work related injury that left him permanently disabled. He went form working 60-70 hour work weeks (and enjoying his career) to laying in bed 75% of the time because he is in pain. I try to roll with the ups and downs because I know just that... for every down, there will be an up. Now, if we weren't married? Not so sure... but we are, and I took my vows very seriously.
I think every relationship waxes and wanes, I don't think anyone can ever say their relationship is perfect all the time. I guess you just have to decide do the lows outnumber the highs? As an outsider looking in, and reading what you like about your SO vs. what you dislike, I would say you have a good man, and I wouldn't let him go. He is decent to your kids, doesn't cheat, go out to bars, treats you with respect and that says ALOT!
I think we have to remember that with the good comes the bad, because if there was no bad, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good. Follow your gut though, it almost never fails.
Has he ever considered
Has he ever considered counseling or meds for his depression?
I think you might remember the situation I had almost a year ago with my DH. When he got on anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds, his cravings for alcohol went down significantly. And when his drinking went away, so did the verbal abuse (which is not a problem for you, obviously). But alcohol does contribute to depression although it makes you feel better temporarily!
I think that the fact you are choosing to stay away from him when he has visitation, while saving your own sanity, is also making you feel disconnected from him. I am not saying that is not a good choice. Just trying to show you how the dynamics in your relationship HAVE changed.
And like others have mentioned, all relationships have ebbs and flows. And www.marriagebuilders.com is a great website.
I would put off making any kind of life changing decision right now, especially if you both are victims of SAD. Things might look so much rosier in the spring time...
Overit2, you've listened to
Overit2, you've listened to me in the past...my exbf and my situation with him, his daughter, and my two kids was very similar to yours. All of the positive things you said about your SO could be said about my exbf. Although we are no longer together and haven't spoken in months, I still think very highly of him as a person and care for him. On the flipside, however, almost all of the negatives you listed are my exbf too.
I think what happened for me is that I waited SO long and was so patient, hoping things would change: that he'd end the dysfunction with SD, BM, and his mother...that he'd start fixing his finances, grow up and try to better himself, have more ambition. I waited several years and nothing happened until I first broke up with him in June 2010 (our final breakup was June this year...and we spent most of the year apart). I think, like you, lost respect for him. It's like my pleas for things to change were not enough to motivate him to change things...for me, for us...and something got permanently damaged. Maybe that is part of what you're feeling?
The positive thing you have is that you say you still want a life with him. I SO wanted to marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him until I really saw he was unwilling to change for me, and that any changes had to happen at the pace that was ready for him. I think after so long of being a second thought I just grew indifferent regarding our relationship, despite loving him as a person.
Your SO is trying to better himself. It's great he is going back to school, that is also a positive. My exbf thought about going to school but in the end felt it would be too difficult with SD. He has absolutely no plan for himself and no education. That was difficult for me to accept, since I have two different degrees and have worked in two different fields.
I guess I just realized I was unable to be happy with the situation. I always felt "the situation" was why we couldn't work, like it was something that just "happened" to us, but over time I saw that the situation is just the culmination of many choices, which have to do with the downside of his character: being unambitious, codependent, insecure, and needy. As much as I loved him, and still do love him, I knew I could never be happy. I think he deserves someone who will accept him as he is and that I deserve someone who puts me first. I never stopped loving him but didn't feel like the kind of future I wanted with a man was possible for us. Maybe I'm wrong, idk. I just made the best decision I could.
Maybe you can ask yourself what it would take to make you happy. Do you think you have unrealistic expectations? Do you think he can make changes? That is another thing, my exbf I think over time WOULD make the necessary changes but in how long? Five years? Ten years? I'm in my 40s and I don't have time to waste waiting to see if things improve with SD, etc. If it isn't right "right now", then it isn't right for me anymore. Can you wait and see and be happy? Again, you saying you want to marry him says a lot...
I hope some of this helps. I was in so much agony trying to make a decision. Really, the pain was coming from not being honest with myself at first and feeling guilty for not being ok with a shit situation. It is funny though, once I really ended things my life has really improved...not sure if it is coincidence or what.
Anyway, hugs to you. Can you two go away alone for a bit and try to reconnect/sort things out? Maybe that would help? The good thing between my exbf and I is that we really did talk and parted ways with love...it sounds like he is a good man and I know you are...it is harder in some ways than an angry breakup but it is the best way.
Also, as someone else mentioned, has he gotten counseling? My exbf started seeing a counselor weekly and it helped. We also went to couples counseling before that, and it really clarified things...
One last question...is he younger?