Hello all, I've read only a few posts here...honestly I'm a little scared lol. Sorry if this is long-but maybe you guys have advice on how to help these skids get along ha!

Ok, just to explain a bit of background. I've been divorced almost 7 yrs and have pretty much raised my two sons 9 and 11 on my own. The divorce/past marriage was horrid and I had many issues w/my exh. We are now however finally at a good place-I stil have full custody and he has visitation but things between us are civil and mostly polite and we try to get along well in front of kids. My kids are very well adjusted, happy boys who do very well in life/school/etc. Obviously they aren't perfect-as a single mom I find it hard to reign in their attitudes at times (rebellious) especially the oldest. Their dad isn't remarried...has moved around quite a bit (in the same city though) and has had several relationships. So their stability has come from me and them having my family very involved in their lives as well (parents uncles, aunts).

My bf...him and his wife divorced about 4yrs or so ago. They have a girl 9. Their relationship is a lot more hostile. He pretty much has to completely ignore the BM as she continues to try and manipulate/control his life and time w/his daughter. If he even hints at being civil w/her she starts thinking he wants to be w/her again. So he ignores. The BM has some pretty big issues, is a neglectful mom, has moved her daugher around (the girl will now be going to her SIXTH school), and is constantly trying to pawn the daughter off on others. There are many more things but bottom line-she is a really crappy mom. It's evident in how the girl acts.

We've been together about 15 months, dating exclusively. We're both hesitant about marriage (me more then him) but don't think living together is far away. But hey right now-it works and works well-why mess it up adding additional stress on right? We see eachother 5-6 times a week, he spends the night about 3 times a week. We were smart enough to set up the wknds to where we both have the kids together on the same wknd-and the next wknd we have our alone time. This way it gives us a weekend together just us to look forward to, relax, reconnect, have fun, get crazy, walk around naked, sleep in, grill at 3 am, go out, spend time alone or w/friends-you get the picture lol.

The relationship is very solid, we love eachother very much. He is fantastic with my sons, they love/adore him. He will back me up but right now we pretty much agree to each parent our own kids and be in the role of supporter. It's important to us before ever deciding on blending the family that a lot of these things are dealt with before hand. So meaning we need and are establishing a friendship role w/the other child more then anything. We are getting to like eachother, earn their respect and take our time slowly w/them-as we are more involved and if we blend we expect the transition to more authority to go over smoother this way. I dont' ever see him being harsh on the boys. He's extremely mindful of "his place" and will back me up-but right now they are just enjoying being w/eachother and getting to know, laughing, having fun-stuff like that

So far it's going well. His daughter and him come over every other wknd-sometimes they'll spend the night, sometimes just during the whole day. It's sometimes very difficult. She seems to really like and respect me and we get along well. She loves to see her dad and I together-doesn't try to interrupt or be up his butt and feels secure w/us together. In fact all 3 do..they'll tease us, tell us to hold hands, cuddle up w/us on the sofa-in other words they are very content that we are in this relationship, that we seem happier and that they are benefiting from what we have together. She's a good kid. BUT she has some issues you can tell are eating at her quite a bit, so she acts out. Most of the time when she does it's in the form of fighting with my youngest son.

It gets bad. She'll yell, stomp around, pout, walk out yelling, try to hit him, argues, nit picks, bosses him, basically just cannot get along. We are at a loss. He'll put a stop to it but it starts up soon after again...sometimes hours later, sometimes the next day. My son on the other hand at first just defended himself but now is so upset w/the hostility she throws that he's starting to instigate and provoke her as well. She competes over everything! It gets so hard that sometimes he just wants to not come over w/her or they'll just leave-but eventually if we are together they can't just leave you know?
SO we try to help them work it out but it's so rough!!

The bf and I don't ever accuse eachother or take out our frustation on eachother...we just brainstorm or go around stressed and joke about ducktaping them to a tree together lol. So we deal with it well. BUT...something has to give.

I'm guessing there are quite a few reasons for her acting up:

She's not had stability in her life w/her mom moving around-my kids have and she knows this and I think resents it.

Her mom is neglectful, not very loving, can be verbally abusive, combative, angry, controlling and extremelly manipulative...this rubs off on the girl as well as makes her extremely angry in life. Same as always having to be doing something-cannot self-entertain w/out becoming bored and starting to act out.

Her parents relationship is not cordial at all-she rarely opens up to my bf about her mom or vents or anything or even talks much about her life at home (she doesn't have to-it's evident)...but it's almost like she's had to grown up before her time and have two personalities-one w/mom one w/dad-with dad she gets to be a kid. This causes her a lot of conflict, pain, anger. Dad also suffers from guilty dad syndrome lol-but he doesn't coddle her like some others I've read on here...he does SOMEwhat but not an extreme. But I address it w/him too.

She likely suspects her dad comes over to my house a lot so knows he sees my boys a lot (probably more then her)and she's very jealous of the stability/love my sons have at home and the fact that he spends time with us.

She comes to our house-so at first she felt like a guest-but quickly got familiar and feels at home-which is great..BUT she also doesn't seem to respect the boys things. Say if she wants to play w/my sons scooter she'll just take it and yell at him and say it's hers. Not much respect for others personal things, space, etc and not big on sharing (could be only child syndrome or the fact her mom doesn't play well w/others either)-Also we dont' have a room set up for her..and honestly unless her dad and I move in together I don't find it very necessary. I would like to get a futon for the computer/guest room so if she does spend the night on ocassion at least she'd have her own spot in the house and not feel like the boys have something "up on her" that she has to compete for. I don't know if this will help or hurt the situation. Like having her own room will make her feel MORE entitled to treat others like crap because it's her home too....OR if she'll feel more welcome/part of us when visiting and give her more security and NOT act out as much.

She doesn't ever vent to her dad or get upset w/her dad, she keeps a lot bottled in-so I think she uses my son as her emotional punching bag. The "good thing" is at least we know she has the ability TO express her anger/hurt and she finds a way to get it out. It's just not channeled properly I guess. My son shouldn't have to bear the brunt of her hurt as he didn't create it.

Her relationship w/her dad is very good, but she doesn't "talk" about things that are eating at her. She so looks fwd to time at w/dad...and yet she begs to come over to my house also. She always is wishing she could stay more time w/her dad and I and not go home to her BM. She absolutely soaks it in having family time-eating together-watching a movie together, she desperately needs it (her mom isn't in a relationship-doubtful one would stick either). So she gets to have family every cpl wknds. I guess you could say they act like sibilings-my brothers and I had a love/hate relationship and would beat eachother up alot...we have a good relationship now.

Gosh there's more but this is SO long. I like the girl-I feel very badly for her it's not her fault...but I guess I need to find ways to address this w/her, her dad, my son...so we dont' keep having these problems and hostility when she's over. Again-it's not every time but probably a good 70pct. My son shouldnt' have to suffer through this...and other then this our issues are small compared to what some of you ladies endure.

His ex is crazy but at least she doesn't w/hold visitation...we dont' know if she badmouths me (we haven't met and I'm honestly in no rush to do so-why?), but we can tell she does talk bad about my bf to the D...but again she doesn't want to hurt her dad so she says nothing. It's forced her to be so split. It's awful!