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He moved out. Now I am just numb

bugsmom's picture

Submitted by bugsmom on Sat, 11/05/2011 - 3:14pm

I didn't wake up yesterday thinking that it would go the way it did.

I knew things were far from good. So many issues with the ex and skids. I lived a life of hell. I could no longer feel at ease when weekends approached, when the phone rang or when a txt came in.
My sanity was slipping away, I could see it when I looked in the mirror. I didn't like the person looking back at me.

He moved out, I said no more. It was not planned for yesterday it just happened. He was surprised and so was I (weird) I love him so much and have for 30 years. But if this is what it takes to smile again or laugh again, then I guess I have no choice.

I did give him an ear full, I laid it all out. Told him how his ex played me, played him etc even let him know how the skid shared in it. This time I know it got thru to him, this time he knew I was washing him out of my life. It all came out and it flowed so well it was like watching from the outside. I could see his world crashing in on him.

Then it got silent, I helped him pack and watched him quietly cry. ( I have never seen him cry over me)
I held strong, I think it was more numb. And before he left he said things I had been so wanting to hear for some time now.

He said he was sorry. He told me how beautiful and smart I was. How proud he was of me, how he loves being with me. Then he said, "I know I let you down and I can't tell you how sorry I am, I don't know why I acted the way I did. Why it had to come to this and why I didn't listen".
Gosh, it took every piece of me to avoid the tears I had swelling up in my eyes. I wanted to hear all of that so badly over the last years.

I know he was sincere, I know he meant it, every word and I don't think it was just so I wouldn't make him leave. I could see a changed man, a man who just seen reality. He just lost everything he never knew he wanted till that moment.

He's gone, and I am alone. There is so much weight lifted off my shoulders right now. But I am struggling with the pain I feel in my heart, the lost dreams and the memories that I am surrounded by in this house. I do know it will get better. And for now I am the priority. I need time to mourn and heal. Maybe then I can try and smile without faking it. Or laugh without forcing it.

Blessings to you all

Comments

KKAT99's picture

Submitted by KKAT99 on Sat, 11/05/2011 - 3:29pm

Hi Bugsmum
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
I left my partner of 3 years and it hurt like hell, but I recognise the part you said about losing your sanity. I was turning into a nervous wreck when the kids were around (especially SD 12yrs) as dad just let her do whatever she wanted, say whatever she wanted, and disrespect me. They even acted like boyfriend/girlfriend when I was there (he was so afraid of losing her love her went with it, he was less afraid of losing my love). I too dreaded the weekends, I would usually be in tears at some point in the loo.

It is best to move on. I know 30 years is a long time but I can totally empathise the hurt and loss you are feeling. I am going through the same thing, it is hell. I can be OK one moment, a mess the next. Mt friends are my saviour, my best friend listens any time of day or night. I am angry too, that he would allow his daughter to ruin our relationship, that he put that bond above us. But he will pay the price ultimately, she will now think that she can get rid of anyone in his life. And she will think it is OK to disrespect adults.

I just want to reach out and hug you, but IT WILL GET BETTER. It has been 8 weeks since I moved out and already I am starting to smile more. I too have a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am more aware of the love of my family and friends, and will never put up with that treatment ever again. I lost my self esteem, even self respect at times, which truly damaged me. I regret that so much, but I am now stronger out of that situation. The horrible hurt and loss I feel now will pass, rather than the constant weekly pain of that situation. Please know that there are others out there who have done the same thing, and you are not alone.

Big hugs and best wishes
Kxx

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 11/05/2011 - 5:07pm

KKAT99

Congratulations to you also for finding the inner strength to make the decision to leave. I am sorry that you also found that this was the only answer. You are right, ultimately your husband will pay the greater price for allowing his daughter to do this to you and to him, but on the bright side, you will be well and truly in a happier place by then and will no longer have to deal with the abuse, bullying, disrespect, anxiety and stress of the situation. Our husbands failed us, and you and bugsthemome have found the fortitude to remove yourselves from this poisonous situation. I banned my 29 year old SD from my home last August aftr 8 year of "weekend horrors" waiting for the doorbell to ring, stressed to the max, terriffied that one of my own children would come over, then SHE would arrive and make us all so uncomfortable my children would leave, and she would in her mind WIN....she was unbelievable rude to her father and myself, but her father thinks I should just put up with her crap and ignore her, that's what he does.......unreal.

SD has gone to visit grandfather this weekend, I found this out from my SIL. So, I am expecting FIL will once again interfere in this, wind up my husband and once again bring trouble into my home.

So, like both of you, and so many others, I have been mentally and emotionally preparing for the day I have to make the same decision you have both made. I pray that I have your courage. I certainly didn't think at 60 years of age I would find myself in this place. But then again, my husband was estranged from his kids when we married, and I certinly did not see a weak, selfish, uncaring man either, he hid that well.

I have suspected for some years that his daughter has NPD but the last couple of years realise that her father my husband has many of the traits of NPD as well.

I guess our last chance will be if FIL again interferes and DH follows his fathers orders, tells SD she can come back to our home, no apology required, and my feelings once again mean nothing as I am not family.

All the very best to both of you xxxx

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 11/05/2011 - 4:20pm

Bugsthemom, I am so terribly sorry it has come to this for you. I understand why it did, and I believe you have done the right thing. I admire your strength and courage. When my time comes to make the decision I hope like you I have the wisdom, strenght and courage that you have shown.

Whatever happens here, 30 years is far too long for you to have suffered, and you deserve some peace and time for you now.

I wish with all my heart that you will soon find yourself in a place of peace and happiness.

I will not stop thinking of you when this post is done, you will be in my thoughts and prayers and I sincerely wish you the very, very best.

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Sat, 11/05/2011 - 5:51pm

It is sad that men don't seem to realize the error of their ways until it is too late. By the time we say enough, we're done...and then they wake up, but they've already lost us...it is too late.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I've also left my "person" -- the person I wanted to spend my life with. It gets better but it's still not easy.

I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sun, 11/06/2011 - 8:47pm

I don't know Echo, as Bugsthemom said, she didn't wake up thinking that things would go that way, and I am sure she didnt'. But I think many women, like myself, prepare to leave a couple of years at least before they finally go, so when the time comes, they are over it, they have prepared themselves as much as anyone can, (you can never ever truly prepare yourself for anything), and most importantly they have told their partners time and time and time again how they are feeling, most us I think feel as though we have been shouting from the rooftops, and our husbands just don't listen, or don't care. So, although he was sorry on the day, because now he was paying the price for it, he clearly wasn't sorry for the 30 years bugsthemom was paying the price.

I think she has done the right thing, he needed to see how much she had suffered, HE needed to pay the price after all, it was his children his problem, yet he let bugsthemom pay the highest price. Now that he is the one suffering, maybe he will re-think this whole situation, maybe he will be able to understand what it has cost him, and maybe in time when bugsthemom has some mental and emotional time away from this situation, she may accept him back, on joint terms. Maybe she is over it, but one thing is for sure, if your partner has not felt sorry for you for thirty years, I can undertand where she got the strength to follow through. Her posting makes me think she is a very caring woman, I doubt that she did this out of payback, I think she is emotionally exhausted right now and needs a break, and if that hurts her husband, that's sad, and I mean that, I don't like to see anyone hurt, but her husband had the power to fix all this, and failed, now she needs to get her ducks all lined up and see what she wants to do, it is time for her to take of herself and her sanity, because for the last 30 years, no one was taking care of her.