As you rightly point out - this is your husband's fault, and BM's not SD's - it sounds like you have been an excellent mum to her, try not to let this incident sour that. I have never got on with my SDs because of the poison that is their BM, and it has ruined my life for the last 9 years. I would love to have had the relationship with my SD's that you have with yours, but there was never going to be any chance of that.

I think your husband could do with a bit of coaching in how to stand up to the BM. I spent the last 8 years doing this, and he is MUCH better at standing up to her now. When she locked SD16 out of the house recently, he threatened (and would have) stopped her maintenance unless she moderated her behaviour. I use this extreme example because it shows how much he has changed - when I met him he was getting used as a total door mat by her all the time. It is not as if DH HAS to stay in with BM because she will cut off his visitation, because you have custody, it seems. So what is his problem?

WOW. Foxy I read your blog and it reminded me so much of my situation. I am a CSP too in FL. THey also gave the BM Wed. and every other weekend. She has never picked them up on a Wednesday. I think you are doing the right thing. I dont understand why these men cannot stand up to their ex wives sometimes. Do you think she will actually take her to Disney or do you think that this is all just to mess with your plans. Beware my skids BM has tried this before. At least you are getting along with your SD that is a good thing. Mine is wonderful although she has her days. I dont have bday parties for the skids anymore. i used to and i would invite her whole BM's whole family. I do not do that anymore. Good luck and remember it is not SD's fault that her parents suck.

First of all you are right, but whats the big deal? Did you spend tons of money for this slumber party? if not let it go... I understand you being angry but we are sm's a slumber party is nothing to fuss with dh about for this long.

Save if for when bm tries to come into your house, or make moves on your dh, or flat out tell the kid to disrespect you and not listen to you. Then raise high hell! She is only 9 !!! There is bigger stuff that is gonna come along later.

There is a saying "You may have won the battle but not the war"

You WIN THE WAR when the time comes, and a slumber party is not it!

BUT I TOTALLY Agree with you....dont forget that!!! But we (sm's) have to put up with so much crap...Save your energy on this one

I totally agree with you. Its so not fair. It will never be fair and this is what it is going to be. Its hard and it hurts. For some reason the BM's always come first and the DH's never want to be in the middle. They want us to raise their kids and treat them as our own but the minute that BM pokes her head in she has the right because she gave birth to the kid. I think that being a step parent is a difficult job. Yet we bring it on ourselves because we choose to be with these people that have children. I love my DH and I am sure you love yours. I just never counted on having to deal with BM. I didnt realize that, that bitch was going to be a part of MY life. As long as your DH does not stand up to her, then this is the kind of shit you are going to have to deal with. I give mine hell for this stupid shit. I think he gets so tired of hearing my shit that he doesnt give in to her that easily. Although he still does. I get the "oh I forgot" bullshit all the time. I think they conveniently forget. Then it isn't a choice they made, it wasn't their fault. I think you need to make him a part of the process. Get him involved with the party and next time tell him about it. Email him about it. And make sure he does some of the work too. If HE is involved then its harder to forget what is going on. Good luck.

You had a lot invested in this slumber party, so I can understand why it makes you furious. However, the underlying issue that I see is Dad and BM have a custody agreement in place for SD which they both ignore as if it doesn't even exist. That would make me furious.

One of the deciding factors in ending my relationship was that even if there was a visitation agreement on paper and in place for Baby Huey, Bozo and BM had amply demonstrated through an existing informal verbal agreement that they would be conveniently disregarding ANY agreement on a regular basis. I can't function or plan effectively in that kind of chaos and limbo. For me, it boiled down to two adults making me an unwilling player in their nonsense control games. No can do.

I don't know what the answer is for you, foxymama, but both you and SD deserve to have a visitation schedule in place that you can count on and plan around. If SD's Mom and Dad can't sit down with each other like responsible adults and get it together on this critical issue, then you have every right to invoke your own self-protective consequences for non-compliance. Don't let "Dad" convince you otherwise. That's crazy making.