Welcome to "the-BM-totally-stomped-on-me-but-it's-OK-I-forgive-her--she's-not-that-bad" world.

We'll make a convert out of you YET, Willow!! Something about "walking a mile in a woman's mocassins" seems to do it everytime!

I'm curious....were you invited to go? My DH would have wanted me to go with him, and if I couldn't have he would have gone, but not stayed - that's for sure. No arguments about that one. Another thing.....if your DH really wanted to spend some time with his son, he should have voiced this BEFORE and not AFTER. Our BM has been so nasty to me for the past three years, that, although, DH and the BM had a decent relationship before I came into the picture, her actions and words towards me have made him hate her. And out of respect for me, he would never choose to spend time with her (even for the skid's sake) because of this. Also, my DH realizes that I deserve to be by his side for all the skids' big moments, as I have been the responsible, consistent, and more mature parent as opposed to the BM.

Knowing that I'd be upset DH went ahead and provoked an argument, whereby he left on his own, and I fell for it...NOT happening again!! It was to do with BM, she'd called for some bullshit reason and goaded him because I was always along. Stupid male pride I guess, he fell for her goading, went alone, transferred his bad feelings onto me and I LET IT HAPPEN!! Idiot me!! I know the signs to watch for now and I take deep breaths, smile, and point blank refuse to be goaded into a quarrel. It's really the only thing we ever used to fight about! BM is psychotic, she used the kids as pawns and I called her bluff but DH did not. He aought to...but I know I cannot make anyone do anything against their will. Kids are of age now so life will be easier, no reason for BM to even call us...DH is at the point where he ignores her calls now but that's passive...I am more direct...I guess with a psycho you have to 'tread lightly' on occasions but she's not stupid, just deranged if things do not go her way.
Already BM has moved on to victim #5 and will likely clean him out of money etc. same as the other four. I kind of feel like warning the poor bastard, but, I'll mind my own business.

Definitely inappropriate to hang out with your ex for a week under ANY circumstances. Next time, he wants to do that, then you go with him. You're a package deal now.

I would think this was a joke, but I know what it is like as a stepmom and it is sadly not a joke. The common denominator in all these stories, I believe, is that the DHs put the children ahead of their new spouse. And it apparently doesn't matter what age the kid is, as in your story. He is a military graduate and still demanding that mommy and daddy spend playtime with him. Please!!! This is manipulation pure and simple. YOU ARE RIGHT! All the DH had to do is tell the son to come visit you guys and you all will have dinner out and celebrate.

God Bless You!

Wait until the 'guilt' sets in with DH, you'll know it when it hits him. He's really not thinking at the moment and I discovered that it does take a day or so for things to come back to my DH's mind. I wait! I do not let it slide but I do not pick fights iether. I accept his appology and amends. I know none of us are perfect and the situation could crop up again and if it ever does I will tell him it's probably cheaper to tell her to #u@K off because my 'amends' could get expensive! He does consider my feelings on the issue, we both know that neither of us can change who she is or what she does but I tell him that he can change the way he responds to her. Currently he ignores her calls.

For years after my boyfriend divorced BM, he would HANG OUT AT BM's HOUSE (read: his former home) during visitation with his kids. They would watch TV, do homework, etc. She lives in another town and it was easier than taking them to eat or to the park. BM loved this because it made her feel like they were still married! How nice for her!

I let him know I wasn't ok with this, so he stopped. Now he realizes how F#*!d up it was.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

We have a few rules in our relationship. One of them is that we do not share meals alone with members of the opposite sex (exes included). This would seem like a no brainer, but think of the message he sent the kids when they would have dinner "as a family." Gag me with a fork.

He was, for many years, truly brainwashed. That doesn't undo itself the minute the divorce is final. It takes some undoing. To this day I get frustrated when he inadvertently crosses a boundary. But it happens less and less all the time.

The way we've handled it with my skids is that we all go to a celebratory meal together (e.g. after the graduation). We can manage to get through a meal without any sniping. And then the parents split up the remaining time to do things with the skid separately (e.g. one goes shopping on Saturday and the other takes the kid to do something else on Sunday). All were happy. I was always at my skids major events because I had been in their lives for so long and wanted to at least be a part of the "good" that comes from the toil. The event is about the kids and we tried to make it as memorable as possible with the least amount of drama as possible. And, trust me, spending extended periods of time with the ex would not have resulted in pleasurable memories for anyone.

I'm sorry Willow.
I have a bit of a different perspective. My XH is nuts, and arrogant, and a total POS. He was violent, he threatened to kill my DH, he abandoned our children for several years, and he tried to get me arrested. :?
Just a small snippet of history. Not all roses and balloons over here.
It's been a few years and things have calmed down somewhat.
Now we have been able to do things "together." He and my family can attend the same events and there's no drama. It's uncomfortable, sure, but it isn't the end of the world. My DH has been very accepting and sees that the situation is good for the kids.
It's been a long haul. I'm grateful that my DH is a forgiving, kind man.
That's just my experience.

Unlike TryingSoHard, my DH does have meals alone with women friends, of which he has quite a few, mainly ex colleagues. He is totally trustworthy on this and I would never think he would make a move on them. However, a year ago he did end up going on SD14's birthday outing with BM - she turned up at the railway station at the last minute and he didn't like to make a scene and tell her she was not welcome. When I found out I was FURIOUS, and I would not think it OK that your DH hangs out with his ex for several days under any circumstances. Spending time with BM's is a total no no.