Son touched SD PLEASE HELP!!!
Allright, down to the nitty-gritty. My 11 y/o (at the time) son snuck into 11 y/o SD's room at night and was putting his hand down his step-sister's pajamas which woke her up. She came and got us, I read him the riot act, and grilled him over and over if this has happened before. He said once before he touched her chest at night when we were overnight at a hotel out of town on a vacation, and he said he also briefly touched the outside of the pants in the private area of his 7 y/o 1/2 sister at his BMs mom's house when he was there to visit. Since we were all shocked and reeling, I took him to my parents' house to sleep so everyone could be and feel safe at our house while we got everything sorted out. I reported everything to Social Services and the police, have him in counseling, and have had MANY serious talks with him about what this can do to the people he does this to, and also what it can do to him (both developmentally, socially, and also criminally down the road if it were to continue). He seems genuinely sheepish and sorry, has apologized to my wife and his step-sister and 1/2 sister and wants to move forward with life. He isn't and I'm not hoping to sweep this under the rug and be naive, and we are willing to accept the fact that this has forever changed the landscape of our family. He knows that there will be a motion light in the hall outside of his room, a lock on the girl's doors, no alone time with the other kids (also 10 y/o SD, 4 y/o daughter, 2 y/o son)etc. He is ready and willing to "man-up" in the long-haul for what his poor choices have caused. The conflict is that my wife has stated very clearly that she will leave if I EVER try to bring him home. I conceded that we needed time to get mediation (and have), but this situation happened over 6 months ago and she refuses to even spend time with him and I at a park, etc. to see if she can get comfortable again. I have mentioned "safety plans" (a term I hope nobody else ever has to begin to understand), him only being there when I am home, and tons of other reasonable measures to ensure safety. She still refuses. He is not a rebellious, terrorizing kid. He is on top honor roll at school, does chores (after being asked twelve times like most 11 y/o boys), volunteers alongside me/other family members when asked to, etc. He doesn't fight, threaten, intimidate etc. In other words, he's made a couple terrible choices in regards to sexually-appropriate behavior, but isn't a monster by any stretch of the imagination. I also know that because he has proven willing to make poor choices in this area, that steps MUST be taken to ensure it CAN'T happen again, regardless of how sorry he says he is. BM is not an option - she has criminal, mental, substance-abuse issues, and may have had him in or exposed to unsafe situations in the past which may be a part of the root cause here (not to lay too much blame, 11 y/o still knows right from wrong, simply illustrating why BM isn't an option). Besides all of that, I firmly believe that within the context of a whole home with one or both parents is a great place to help a kid grow through/around/past character flaws. I believe I have been way beyond understanding for long enough in regards to not re-integrating him AT ALL into our family due to my wife's wishes (fears?). WHAT NOW?!?!?!?!?!?
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At your son's age, he knew
At your son's age, he knew what he was doing was wrong.
If one of my stepkids ever touched one of my children, the offending child would NEVER be allowed back in my home. EVER. My first priority is to protect my children, and that comes before a relationship and before what is best for another person's child. It sounds harsh, but that's the way it is.
I agree. Time to bring him
I agree. Time to bring him home and let your wife know that none of YOUR children go with her if she leaves and if she does leave that her key won't work until she gets counseling for HER issues. It is sad when an 11yo can man up and try to fix his character issues and an adult (your wife) can't.
A parent does not abandon an 11yo in chrisis. If he was 18 and molesting younger children then you should be the first one to beat his ass and put him in prison. At 11, he needs you and your wife to support him. Your 4yo and 2yo are as much his family as they are your wife's.
She needs to grow up a bit I think.
Don't get me wrong. What he did is wrong, he needs to be held accountable and he has to understand that for the rest of his life he will be on double secret probation on this issue and will likely never have the complete trust of anyone in the family again.m If he returns home and does it again, he is gone for ever and needs to be raised to age 18 in juvy.
But, your wife needs to join the side of the solution and not remain a part of the problem.
IMHO of course.
^^This.
^^This.
I agree with this^^^. He
I agree with this^^^. He didn't "man up". What would the situation be now, had the little girl not woke up when he had his hand down her pants? How many more times would it have happened? I would put money on him doing it over & over until he got caught. That is not "manning up".
Child molesters don't do time for having "character flaws". They do time for committing sexual crimes.
You & your wife BOTH have obligations to keep the children in your home safe. She is right to do everything in her power to protect her children. It makes no sense to put 2 children in danger, again, when they've already been vicitimized by the 3rd, for the sake of having him under your roof.
It's a tough situation for you & your wife, both. Sadly, I believe it comes down to choosing. Your wife will likely choose to protect her children. You can choose to help her keep them safe, or you can choose to lose her & them to have your son back under your roof.
Also, consider the effect that having him back in your home will have on these girls. They were his victims. Home is supposed to be a place to feel safe & loved. It isn't fair to make them live with the kid who molested them.
Without downplaying what he
Without downplaying what he did....calling him a childmolester is just plain wrong. Child molesters are grownups that molest children, not children that molest other children. There is an age difference, which makes this more serious, as well as the fact that he did it during her sleep. But calling him a child molester is absolutely wrong to me.
Copied from the online
Copied from the online dictionary: molester - someone who subjects others to unwanted or improper sexual activities
There is no age specified on this site or any other site I checked. Clearly he was old enough to know what he was doing was wrong. He knew well enough to do it when she was sleeping & not to tell anyone he was doing it until he got caught. His actions were played out on children younger & vulnerable to him. Those facts makes his actions & intentions dangerous & qualifies him as a molester, IMO.
I agree that it IS an ugly term, however, his actions were ugly to match it.
I'll be honest.... as a mom
I'll be honest.... as a mom .... I have a SS who is 6 months older than my biological daughter and had he done something like this a few years ago, I probably would be feeling the same way, or if he did this at all ever. I wouldn't want him back in the home. I would want him to live elsewhere. I wouldn't want to take that chance again with my daughter that he would do it again -- or worse yet, that this time he would threaten her that he would kill her or me or her siblings if she told this time. I mean, not only did he do it to one child, but two.
I understand what Rags is saying, but no way would I want to take that chance with my precious defenseless girls. And if something happened again -- I would be so sickened that I had even allowed you to talk me into allowing him back into the home that it would probably lead to our divorce.
I'm sorry, but I understand where you're wife is coming from. I do see it from your point of view, but I couldn't take it if he offended again. I do wish you the best.
I agree with
I agree with GoodbyeNormaJean.
>>>My first priority is to protect my children, and that comes before a relationship and before what is best for another person's child.<<<
Mom has to keep her child
Mom has to keep her child safe. A dad who is doing all he can to fix the issue , will never agree to keep his son out of his home forever. Mom nor dad is wrong here. Both has to put their child's best interest first. The marriage may be over.
I agree with this.
I agree with this.
Yeah. That is what it sounds
Yeah. That is what it sounds like to me. I would have a very, very hard time with this, being the mother of a girl, but that ultimatum may be the end of it. As a wife, if I told my DH his 11 year old could never, ever come back ( over this issue), no matter what, I would be ready for things to be over. I don't think your wife can expect you to comply with this and the marriage to go on. You are a package deal, a difficult package right now, but that is the" for better and for worse part of the deal". You also want to stand by your boy, who is taking responsibility. To drop him now, would teach him that telling the truth was the wrong thing to do.
I really feel for all you guys. This sounds very hard. Sorry.
I agree its a dealbreaker.
I agree its a dealbreaker. Your son molested your sd-twice, correct? Of course your wife is not going to trust him nor is she going to want to provide a loving environment for him if you reintegrate him back into your home. If anyone molested my child I would want to kill that person, ya know? Dont you think your wife feels that way as well? And has every right to feel that way.
I commend you on getting him help, thinking about various precautions, which are all very good-but your wife really has to be on board with this 100 per cent or its' not going to work.
What would you do if the SS
What would you do if the SS was the biokid of BOTH parents? What if one "joint" bio molested another "joint" bio? What then?
Super tough sitch.
I feel for you and your wife.
I feel for you and your wife. What a difficult situation. Your asking your wife to choose your son - whom she has no tie to - over 2 of her daughters. I can see both sides, and depending which was my child I would probably choose their interest. Although, I am more disturbed by the fact he also molested his Biological sister.
Honestly, if I were mom, I would take her stand. It would be a deal breaker & if you pushed I would ask for supervised visitation for the littlest two, especially, if bringing him home was the cause of the break-up of your marriage.
I find it interesting that the only person who agrees with you wholeheartedly is Rags & it seems to be breaking down on male/female lines. I can't help be wonder whether you realize how different sexual assault is from a regular assault (this sounds terrible, but I hope you get the point.)from a female point of view. Perhaps, you and your son would benefit from taking the time to speak to a rape counselor to help you better see the female side of things.
You cant expect your wife to
You cant expect your wife to be on board with bringing in a boy-regardless of standing up to his issues- who molested young girls back into a house where you have young girls. Thats crazy on your part.
I do commend you for trying to get him help, but there has to be family that he can stay with outside of your home. It's also not just your wife to be thinking of, but the girl who was molested- puberty is awkward enough without someone who touched you while you were sleeping hanging around.
This boy needs his dad too.
This boy needs his dad too. If measures are in place to safeguard the girls, then, as hard as this is, he should be allowed home. If not, dear wife, you should be ready for divorce.
Daddy-O, I feel your pain and
Daddy-O, I feel your pain and I am all too aware of your wife's position to protect her children. My own DS had a very similar incident when he was a teenager. His SS12 actually initiated the said incident; and then told her mother about it. Mind you; BS & his SS were raised as siblings; since she was an infant. Part of the problem was DS's BF & SM basically put the children in one bedroom (when staying w/ BF & SM) or bed when they traveled. I believe it was addressed; the kids were put in separate bedrooms, counseling followed both in the church where they served & law enforcement was consulted. When I found about this; DS was in fact living with BF & SM! I also did some research on my end as well; including how far did it go, was it consensual, etc.,
End conclusion? DS was not the initiating party; SS had to have counseling on boundaries. I believe in the end- things were resolved. As for my DS? No legal issues, counseling,advised to be personally proactive in his conduct with SS. I am sure DS's SM had to deal with her daughter's racing hormones & address her DD's
behaviors.(BF & SM were in constant supervisory mode after this with both kids as well) She ended up moving with her BF, finishing her high school, graduated college and is thriving. I can't say for sure if your marriage will be intact; but I do encourage you to find an alternative living situation for your son. (this makes me sad for you) but can you imagine your wife's fear? Your BS is your blood; but as with your daughters- how would YOU feel if it were a stranger trying to molest them? I pray you find some peace and resolution in all this heart ache; and for all your family.
I agree that this is an
I agree that this is an unfortunate situation for you and your family. Your wife is protecting her child and you are concerned about your son. Both are valid. 6 months is not a long time to heal from a sexual assault ( for either gender). I understand you are in a hurry to get this family back to "normal" but it's been fractured from your son's bad choices. Your wifes trust and security has been severed, it's not going to heal over night.
Your wife sounds extremely angry at your son and rightfully so. I think your wife does need to spend time with you, your son and talk. Some how, trust needs to be rebuilt into your family structure.
Is there a councelor that specializes in incest, sexual assault etc? Your wife does need to work with someone to help her. If the shoe were on the other foot (meaning if she had the son and you had the daughter) would things be different? Would she want her 11 yr. son abandoned by the family? Would you feel comfortable allowing someone into your home that has violated your daughter? Those are some tough questions to a very tough situation. Good Luck to you and your family...my prayers are with you.
I am sincerely grateful to
I am sincerely grateful to everyone who respectfully offered their opinions; even those who differed with my stance. Forums like these are an indispensible tool in tough situations since one can use them as a sounding board for their thoughts and quickly gather a wide range of opinions. I unfortunately had to delete a few inappropriate comments that were well outside of tasteful. I have thick skin but am unwilling to allow people to call ANY of my children (bios or skids) names in a harsh manner. Call me old-fashioned, but I was raised to hate the sin and not the sinner. Angry all-encompasing labels like "little perv" and "little molester" do not have any place in a civilized forum when discussing a CHILD 2 years prior to entering their early teens. I do not condone or defend what my son did, but many people have done similar and even worse things as children, learned from their mistakes, and grown up to be caring and loving individuals that would never do something like that again as an adult with full-grown mental faculties and judgement. I also understand that some kids do grow up continuing in an increasing pattern of harmful behaviour, but they are not necessarily definitively the rule or the norm. I would strongly suggest that a huge factor in where a kid may end up from this point in life is how the issue is confronted and handled. Take an already troubled, angry, outwardly violent kid (the opposite of my son) who violates someone, then excuse or shrug it off or blow up on them violently (or abandon them altogether as many here suggest) and I think you created a classic case of a seed of a predator in waiting. Conversely, take an otherwise respectful, obedient, caring kid (yes someone CAN do something very bad without being an utter monster, my son has told stories about a kid doing something uncannily kind to another kid at school and teared up with joy while describing it etc.), and properly address a terribly poor pursuit of satisfying his sexual curiousity at the expense of others with proper counseling, mentoring (by a loving and devoted father who loved him enough to fight for custody for 2 years with an alchoholic and drug-addicted criminal BM whose wealthy mother funded her attorney and that same father raised him from diapers to top honor-roll at school), and HOPEFULLY a WHOLE family that will love, cry, forgive, and seek mercy and restoration and you just exponentially multiplied the odds of this being an overcomeable scenario.
I think that sadly, some people who posted here have either been in or known someone who has been in the sadly all-too-common "sweep it under the rug or ignore it" type of family molestation environment and somehow think it's impossible for someone else's situation to end better than their's did. I'm sorry, but you are just plain wrong. Unfortunately, so is my wife. I'm afraid I'm going to have a very tough decision to make here, but the hard right must prevail over the easy wrong......