I can honestly say I understand your wifes fears. As a mother she is obviously worried about the safety of her children and if he's done it before how can she be 100% sure he wouldn't do it again. I don't think it's fair to sacrifice the other childrens safety, well-being, and peace of mind in order to keep your son in your home. Even with the measures you've taken I cant say as a mother I would still be able to sleep knowing anyone that has molested my child is still under the same roof as them. It also doesnt seem fair to tell the girls "hey lock your doors at night so your brother doesn't touch you" This situation totally sucks.
You mention his BM is not an option but that you did take him to your parents. Would they be at all willing to keep him? This situation is horrible that your in and although I understand you cannot abandon your son over his horrible actions you also cannot sacrifice the other kids you hold equal responsibility for.

Your SD and BD are vitims here. I understand you love your son and you believe he is not a monster but were did he get the idea that this was even close to ok? Honestly if this happened to my children I wouldn't allow him near them either. Maybe you need to go to counceling with your wife and try to understand her fears. You can still have a relationship with your son and show him you love him. You are in a tough spot but I agree with tootie25 you cannot sacrifice your other kids for him.

I really believe that if there are no other behavioral incidents, negative ones, then a long haul of counselling might help everyone. The girls need to feel secure in their own home, your wife needs to be able to trust you to do the right thing too, crucial for your wife and your girls to know they can depend upon you to do the right thing. You are between a rock and a hard place, you have my sympathy, but safety is paramount and until your wife can wrap her head around it all you need to wait. Trust is a hell of a thing to re gain and your son has broken, violated, any trust your wife had in him. It's horrible to even think about but those girls might feel lasting effects and these incidences might influence their choices in men as they get older too, which is why how you conduct yourself is crucial right now.
If it was just kid curiosity then that might be a different story but the girls were asleep? This is going to take time and patience I reckon. Has your son had a psych evaluation? Sometimes hormones run wild in kids and sometimes it's a calculated thing, do you know which it is? No doubt he was exposed to more than a child should have been with BM if that is her lifestyle.
How about suggesting a day out whereby your son comes to eat with you all and then goes back to his grandparents. The girls will, surely, at some point have to get a handle on what happened and move past the issue too. Unfortunately your wife is much more aware of the potential dangers than the girls are so it will take her a LONG time to get over this. The plus side is that it's out in the open now and can be dealt with...can you imagine if this was going on and no adults knew?? I wish you luck, things do fade into history and I hope this is one of them.

that poor girl? how is she doing? is she in good therapy? what kind of reaction is she having?

the fact that I read your post and only heard about the kid who acted badly, and not the one harmed by it...that's a red flag to me. I wouldn't want him in the house either, six months is not long enough.

I could go on a while about him learning boundaries (as somewhere along the line he wasn't taught) but to be honest in this situation it is not important what HE needs or wants.

she was molested while asleep. HER needs are paramount. if you acknowledged that and spent as much time worrying about how to help her, as you have trying to get him back into the house, it might be different.

if a boy touched your son while he was sleeping, what would you do? would you want that boy in a house with your son after that? how would yu feel about someone insisting your child spend time in re home with someone who molested them?

(if she was asleep, this is molestation, not "kids playing doctor)

I don't doubt that you care about the other children involved as well, and are trying to get them help. I don't see your son as being a predator, he is only 11 years old. You need to give your wife time. She is doing everything that she can to protect her daughters. Any mother would do the same. Be there for your son, and understand you wife's point of view as well.

Your wife can't trust your son. It's rational and reasonable. Have your son sit down and right a heart felt apology to each person in the family including you. Then, talk to his therapist and ask how he/she feels about him being slowly reintroduced to the family.

But before you do that get the girls some counseling. After they have been in it for a while, ask the counselor if it would be appropriate to give them the letters that your son has written.

Oh, and eventually family couseling is a goos idea.

I commend you on how you as the parent handled this. You put yourself and your son in the spotlight to do the right thing. I'm sure there are many parents who would have stayed silent.

I can understand how you must feel. You and your son have done everything you are supposed to in order to make things "right" at home again. So why can't they give him another chance?

However, I can see your DWs view. If she allows this and it happens again, she will blame herself. Her daughter will blame her for putting her in harms way again. She can't take that risk.

I'm sorry about your situation, I really am. Again I really respect you for what you did and how you handled everything.

Daddy o, I don’t see your son as a predator either. He has gone through a lot of restitution and in my opinion it is time for him to be slowly reintroduced into the family, maybe not the house just yet. The fact that your wife won’t meet the boy anywhere is disturbing. Maybe she has some unresolved issue in her background.

You have done everything a responsible parent/adult can do in this situation. Driving this boy out of the family at the end of a pitchfork and keeping his existence a dirty little family secret will have lasting and negative effect on the girls that future generations of children may well act out.

The girls might well feel guilty. My having said that might anger some and they will want to fire back and say Donna, that’s outrageous, why would the girls feel guilty. They didn’t do anything wrong. And without going into an entire explanation of the disastrous effects of guilt and shame on the soul, it is suffice to say that human emotions defy logic. Everyone is the victim here including the boy and everyone has to be part of the healing process.

In my opinion what might happen now is a very frank, appropriate and complete discussion about sexuality and much more with the entire family under the guidance of a qualified therapist. Lay it all out on the table—no secrets.

It is a real tragedy but it has happened and now it must be healed. Keeping this boy out of the family will drive it underground and healing will not occur.

Daddy O, I am seriously impressed with how you handled this situation so far. Many parents would have kept it a "family secret" and never would have mentioned it to social services much less put him in counseling. I am glad that you are seeing that your son needs help, and you are taking a proactive approach to this.

This must be so difficult for both you and your wife. And she is reacting how any mother would. Is there any way you guys can discuss slowly re-introdicing him to the family setting? Maybe having him home for a few hours at first COMPLETELY SUPERVISED and increase his time there over a period of time? Whatever it is that will make your wife comfortable. It is not an option to just abadon your son because he made a mistake and needs some help.

I will keep you and your situation in my prayers. Have you gone to family counseling? Maybe with a 3rd party involved you can come up with some ideas together.

Daddy-O, I did post a comment in blogs; and I am terribly sorry that this happened to you & your family. I sincerely wish you the best for you & yours. I am a believer and I do pray. So my prayers are for ALL of you; for healing, forgiveness & the innocence lost of these kids. Keep us up to date..

DaddyO…I was molested as a child and though I feel so bad for you to be in this situation and do think you are doing so many right things by getting your girls in counseling… I must agree with your wife. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would have felt had my parents brought my molester back around me. Now as an adult I still get the chills thinking about if I ever run into him in town…I don’t think I would be able to breathe…and my molestation was much like your daughters he came in at night while I was asleep and he was not an adult. If something like that ever happened to my girl…I could NEVER let whoever it was back around them..it would be hard for me not to physically harm the molester myself…It’s a mothers job to protect her kids and that is just what she is doing…I feel so bad for the situation you are in and I hope for the sake of your family you can get something resolved.

Let me tell you a sucess story. Not something that I share with a lot of people.

When my nephew was 7 years old he was staying the night at his best friends house, as he did many weekends (or his friend would stay with us, my nephew lived with me at the time). My nephew (MN) called home in the middle of the night saying his stomach was upset and he wanted to come home. Over the next few weeks, he started getting in trouble at school. He was very emotional and would cry at the drop of a hat. About a month after the sleep over, the school called his dad (my exBIL) and told him that MN was crying uncontrollably and someone needed to come and get him.

BIL took him to get an ice cream and MN finally opened up and told him that his friend had "touched him with his mouth". We were good friends with the kids parents. The first thing I thought was OMG, his friend his being molested. Where else would he have learned this??? BIL, MN, my sister (who is not much of a mom) and I went to the friends house that night and we all sat down and talked about it. Friend, both of his parents and us. Turned out that friend WAS being molested by an uncle. He was projecting on to MN what he was going through.

This was one of the hardest times in my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday, and it was nearly 10 years ago. MN, and friend REALLY wanted to preserve their friendship. EVERYONE went to counseling together. Each of the boys independantly and the parents independantly. EVERYONE needed counseling. The boys made it through... they are still REALLY good friends. Though they go to different schools now, and have naturally grown apart somewhat, they are still really good friends. The families are still good friends. And the Uncle... he is in jail (again). It took time, patience and understanding. It didn't happen over night, but it did get better. As a "suedo parent" when all of this happened, I understand how your wife feels. Has anyone asked him where he learned this behavior? Is there a chance that he is projecting something that has happened to him?

Just food for thought. I really do think that these things can be overcome, IF they are handled properly. And I think you are off to a good start.

I'm going to disagree with the idea that your son's needs are unimportant. He's at an age when he needs a father the most, and to deprive him of that would drive him further into inappropriate behavior.

At the same time, your wife and daughters feelings matter, so this really is a pickle.

The best advice I have is that you need to be deliberate about spending man on man time with him. It may require you to spend alot of time you don't want to away from the rest of the family, and that sucks. But he needs to be shown what it is to be a man, because what he has done is not it.

In the end, your wife needs to know you have her back, but your son also needs to know he can learn how to be a man from the most important man in his life.

I don't envy your situation.

I agree with Blinocac on this one. My friends son went through the same thing. She found out that her nephew was doing it to her son but then nephew's mom's BF was doing it to him so he was just acting out what was happening to him. Something serious could be going on with your son and before you bring him back in the house you need to make sure that that is not what is going on. He is 11 poor baby along with the girls they are all victims and that needs to be addressed.

I'm not sure anybody can really help you much.

You seem to be doing what should be done. It's a very serious situation and you seem to be handling it as such.

Your family needs you and your son really needs you especially since he has been banned.

I wonder how the SD is doing now? Has she been around DS? How does she react/talk with him?

Your wife has said she "forgives" him, but would she be willing to list out a set of steps to reintegrate him into the home? Would she be willing to sit down with you and daughter and come up with a list/time frame? Maybe if would help her if she think SD is ok.

What needs to happen for her to feel safe?

Has she always disliked him?

What does the counselor say?

A million people will have a million different reactions to this situation, it's very personal. Why is your wife not willing to move forward? Does your daughter seem to want your son back home?

My father touched me inappropriately one time. We talked about it, he said it would never happen again and we MOVED ON!

He's not a child molester, he was drunk and it NEVER happened again.

We are fine and we love each other. I was cautious for about 8 years at night esp. when he was drunk but it didn't disable me and it didn't make me not want to visit him and spend time with him and even live with him. I did not have counseling but I think it would have helped me. It still did not scar me for life and it was my FATHER not my step-brother.

I have a step-brother if he had done this to me I would have been VERY angry with him and told him to get away from me and not touch me again. I probably would have told my parents too. But I would have felt bad and blamed myself if he was sent away and all alone for months or even years on end. Putting a lock on my door and going to counseling would have been sufficient for my peace of mind.

This is not about the other posters feelings on this site. It is about your daughter's feelings. It's not even about DW. I think it is a great sign that she told you, wounds fester in private, healing happens when it can be talked about and resolved.

This is a really awful situation and I'm sorry but I don't think your wife is helping the healing process. She is going to HAVE to get over her anger and fear. It's bad for the entire family. However, I feel that the counselors involved would have a better assessment than anybody here about the matter.

That's just what I think tho.

I don't see your son as a predator....maybe needs help but not psycho.

Have you ever thought he maybe a victim of abuse from another source?

Or does he need guidance and education that he isn't getting?