Is disengaging enough?
If anyone has advice I'd love to hear it, but for now I just need to get this out there, to stop denying things hoping they will just get better. I'm not sure if the problem is my 9 year old stepdaughter, the power and control her mother gives her to do whatever she wants or my husband who just allows it, naively believing things will just miraculously sort themselves out.
SD has always been a problem child, we have spent thousand in therapy and counseling but it never works as BM works against us, defends SD and denies that she can do anything wrong (she will literally say she is perfect). It is always someone else's fault (us, the teachers, whoever would bring any faults to her attention). BM also stopped us taking SD to a psychologist and in SA you cannot take a child without consent from both parents. SD is oversexualised (as diagnosed by a social worker) loving the attention of boys, touching herself in public, even pulling down her pants or lifting her skirt in public play areas. 2 or 3 years back we caught her stuffing toys in her sister's genitals during bath time and since then we obviously don't allow them to bath together anymore (BM of course denies her angel can do anything wrong).
Earlier this year I saw SD fondling my son (then around 6 months old) She taught I was asleep and as I moved she ran out the room. I told DH and told him me and him will have to go see a psycholigist to guide us in handling the situation. I also asked him not to tell BM as she will deny this and start making excuses for SD as she always does. He did not listen to me and ran straight to BM. Since then SD has gotten worse, she physically bullies my son and when he tries to move away from her she pins him down, she steals his toys and also my things (toiletries, jewelry and the like). When I try to address the matter she just says point blank that she does not have to listen to me cause BM said so. I started disengaging but every now and again I can't not address her behaviour, all I would then do is ask her why she lied about something (for example), next thing we will get threats from BM that I am verbally abusive to SD cause I asked her why she lied and she is going to lay criminal charges against me.
SD is also very demanding. Insisting that we must always buy her things or taking whatever she wants without asking, if we dare say now she calls mom in tears cause we make her uncomfortable because we dont allow her to have ice cream for dinner and sleep in front of the TV, BM will then tell DH he has to do whatever SD needs to be comfortable otherwise she will ensure that he never sees them again.
The theft, lies and physical abuse against my son is getting worse. I spent the past few months hiding in my room whenever SD is there as I honestly do not have the energy to deal with her and I'm tired to constantly hear how bad I am. During the last visit they had with us the only communication I had with SD was to tell her she can have any flavour slush she wants to which replied that she wants all three in three seperate cups and I said no. She was barely back with BM when we started getting the messages of how abusive I am towards SD.
I decided enough now, I will not be scared in my own house to speak for what if it gets reported and distorted, I will not live in fear of what should happen to my boy if I take my eyes off him for a minute (she has told me BM said she can do with him whatever she wants and she knows better what he needs than I do). I'm tired of DH not being allowed to walk next to me in the shops as she will physically push me (pregnant and in my 3rd trimerster) out of the way, I'm tired of now being allowed to talk to DH without interruption. I'm tired of BM and SD overriding decisions made by me and DH. I'm tired of hearing my boy cry cause she hurt him, I'm tired of picking up his broken toys where she has hidden them or not being able to wash my face and hair cause she poured my face wash and shampoo down the drain. The list goes on.
I told DH I'll never tell him that he can't see them but that me and my kids won't be around them. I'm in the process of looking for a home for me and my boys cause it's not fair on us to always have to leave for our own safety. Now I'm the bitch again cause according to BM I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with whatever SD does to me and my son.
Am I wrong and overreacting for getting our own place? DH can spend as much time with our kids as he wants, just not with SD around .
No, you aren't overreacting.
No, you aren't overreacting. This child is on her way to being a very toxic and dangerous person, and this will only get worse as she gets older. Her needs for parenting are being neglected by both of her parents, and your son and the child on the way should not have to pay the price for that.
I would have zero love or respect for DH anymore, and I would let him know that either he takes his time with SD elsewhere, or I am leaving - except - how can you ensure he won't let SD be around your kids and abuse them, since he's so afraid to stand up to her and BM now?
This whole situation is sickening. It's amazing how people damage their children this way.
Agree. You are doing the
Agree. You are doing the right thing (finally!). I think you should have left a long time ago.
Since your DH is a POS and is doing nothing
You must protect your kids. If your have to move out to do it. Move out.
SD is sick and most likely can not be fixed. So you have to write her off. Your are not her parents Not your problem. All DH can do is see her outside your home. Or he has to make sure nothing is going to happen. If he incapable of this you must leave.
Your house, your rules. Put
Your house, your rules. Put that cretin back in its place. You should tell him straight to sort that creature out or just leave, you don't need that nonsense in your life. If it were me, I'd have screamed at that thing to get away from my child
Please get your son away!
He is being abused! And your idiot (sorry) husband is allowing it! Please, please get out of there yesterday! Do not allow that girl around your son and if your husband says he will, report her abuse to the police. She has abused and molested your son and you cannot allow that to go on! You might even be accused of neglect if you don't get your son out of that situation. Please please do not allow that girl in your house anymore, let your husband know he can see her outside of the home until you leave. And please, leave! No man is worth this. Please protect your son!
Yes! Standing ovation for
Yes! Standing ovation for Just J.
If your husband is afraid to
If your husband is afraid to limit SD because his ex threatens him with not seeing his daughter, then you should do the same by threating him that he won0t see your kids ever again. SD puts them in danger and if your husband will not act on it then you should.
No, you're not wrong. I
No, you're not wrong. I personally think you should have taken this step sooner - you've allowed your son to be in harm's way with SD for too long. I think it would be good to have an official record of SD's abuse. If there is another incident before you get out of there, I would involve the police. If not (and I hope there is not), I would make sure to document every incident I could recall. Disengagement is not enough - you need to get SD away from your kids.
How do you think your DH will react? Is he going to want to divorce? Get some custody of his kids away from you? If you think there's any chance of that, talk to a lawyer to get the lay of the land.
If skid pushed me out of the way when i was pregnant
She’d have hell to pay
shen skid says she and her mum know better than me in what to do with my kid or will do whatever they want with my kid, its a low condescending “Noooooooooo” believe me my husband had my back and said listen to your stepmum
someone needs to tell princess sd that she isn’t the boss at home and she or her mum do not dictate the rules and only you and your husband dictate what happens in your home and bio mum can do whatever in her home
your bio mum here is controlling what goes on in your home and that needs to stop right away
what happened when sd shoved you? Did her father not tell her off immediately? If that ever happened to me i would push skid aside and say a firm “Nooooooo! Don’t ever shove me like that again!!”
my sd’s aged 23.5 and 14.5 actually walked in front of me while hubby was pushing our toddlers in the stroller like they wanted me to wakk behind them all. I inired and walked next to hubby, they walked behind right after. If any of them even dared to shove me, their dad would sort that shit out immediately....
she touched your son inappropriately in a sexual manner, she wouldn’t be in my home with hubby ever again. Hubby can manage contacts with her outside the home because she is getting high risk and why allow your son be put in an unsafe environment??
screw bio mum!! Protect yourself and your son.
my ss would act like boss of the home and dump trash on kitchen floor and make it feel so uncomfortable that when he were home that me and our 2 toddlers would stay in spare bedroom downstairs and play/watch cartoons etc until i said to myself, i take care of this home and maintain it and i should be able to just do and be as free as i want. So we go about our day, we sit at living area and kids play, watch cartoons while i study for university and ss21 locks himself in his room all day...
Sorry but that child would
Sorry but that child would not be allowed in my house again ever. I would also be talking to the police. You must do whatever is needed to protect your son becuse he is too small to protect himself.
Grab that little shit by the
Grab that little shit by the scruff of her neck, march her to the nearest corner, plant her nose in contact with the intersecting walls, swat her on the ass and tell her if she even twitches or makes a peep she will get a belt applied to her butt.
Call BM's bullshit by calling child protective services every time SD mollests her sister or your young son. See how BM likes dealing with the authorities.
The only way to deal with bullies is to bring the pain. SD and her BM are bullies. Bring the pain.
I agree with all the other
I agree with all the other comments above, but also remember that by allowing (ie: not leaving) this to happen to your son - how is it going to affect him long term? How is this going to change the man he becomes? Please think of your son not only in the present but also in years to come - do get him out of this situation however you need to.
Am I wrong and overreacting
Am I wrong and overreacting for getting our own place? DH can spend as much time with our kids as he wants, just not with SD around .
Along with everyone else, please flee this toxic sh!t show and never look back. File for divorce and be done with them all. You and your child deserve better than to live at the mercy of these awful people (H & SD).
Wishing you much healing and a happy new beginning.
Be Strong you are doing the
Be Strong you are doing the right thing