Do you collect CS for your sons?
Do you work?
It is your and your ex's responsibility to support your children, and your DH's (and his ex's) responsibility to support theirs.
There's no reason your DH should be supporting two households.
I'm remarried, and I wouldn't DREAM of making DH responsible for supporting my kids. That's my job.

I don't understand why the courts say you cannot pick up or drop off SS, though. Is there a restraining order in effect or something?

We go through the same crap every year... DH bought SD13 $170.00 worth of clothes on July 7th (her birthday) and her scumbag mother calls last night and wants to know if DH will give her money for SD school clothes?? WTF? Not to mention that I am CERTAIN that she has been stealing MY clothes, so she should be well clothed for the start of school in a couple of weeks.

I told DH he really needs to make a change... as this is what has happened at our house since the beginning of time... BM's call EVERY year requesting money for school stuff (like they didn't know school was going to start!) and every year DH gets pissed off and says no way no how. Then BM's continue to harrass him, tell him he's a terrible father, they have no money so skids will just have to go without... and then DH caves and round and round we go. It's absoultely maddening! DH swears that this is the year that he is putting his foot down and keeping it down.. we shall see!

DH and I went out and bought all SD's supplies because if we didn't we knew BM wouldn't. Well with our schedule right now BM had SD on her first day of school today. Last night she must have looked in her backpack she texts DH and says "You should have consulted me before you bought her supplies. She has most of this stuff." Yes she has SOME of the items...3/4 used from last year. She expected us to send her with an old bottle of glue that was almost gone, and eraser tops for the pencils almost gone. God forbid we spend a few dollars at the dollar store on new school supplies.

See every time bm thinks that dh should pay for anything over CS or med. he tells her that is what CS is for! He ends it right there. Your dh SHOULD NOT be paying for anything extra to bm on top of CS why can't people get this??? That IS what CS is for!! Come on people!!

If your WANTS to buy something for his then she should but for bm to demand and dh just gives HELL NO! Or even if you have the money and dh wants to then he can but if you don;t have them money then HELL NO!

I don't understand why people just give money freely to the bms when they demand.

I would sit my dh down and have a long talk with him about money. I know that some will say that if dh don;t buy it they won't get it but if you stop it then the bm will HAVE to step up and buy it. It may take a little while but she will HAVE too. Don't give me the excuse that the kids will suffer sure they will but not b/c of you but b/c of bm. You or your dh is not doing this is the kids the bm is. Bm will soon get it that dh is not freely giving her money anymore and start doing right by the kids. The only reason she is not now is b/c your dh is ALLOWING her to do this by just freely giving.

Our BM just returned from her third vacation this summer and now can't pay her house payment or buy her kids school clothing/supplies. She does this crap every year because she knows DH will help her out. He told her that we are not providing clothing or supplies for her home this year...end of discussion. She will have to figure it out. He already pays her several hundred more a month than what's ordered.

Keep in mind, this is the same BM that wanted me to pay CS for her boys since I married their father.

Ugh we had to do this exact same thing b/c BM wouldn't dream of buying anything for them. We had to buy back to school clothes as well. BM gets $1650/month, and this is CA or NY or anywhere like that either. That's almost $20,000/year tax free, but she absolutely will not buy them clothes or supplies and send them to school looking like bums. What does she use the money for you ask? She hired herself a nanny and then had the nerve to ask DH for more money because the nanny costs too much. Sometimes I cant believe this is my life.

The whole CS should cover everything line goes out the window when BD dad is taking care of SMs kids. The money used to provide for another man's kids could be used to help out his own.

We still have another month before school starts back here. DF has said he isn't buying anything extra for his youngest 2 this year,just the oldest one.(The crazy BM gets CS the sane BM doesn't.)

I do not agree with this.

School supplies are to cheap this time of year, to fight about spending extra money. I can get crayola crayons and elmer's glue for a quarter each, notebooks for .50, folders for a penny, pencils 12 for $1.00... None of the stuff will have Princess Tiana or puppies on them, but they will serve thier purpose. So both girls can have enough supplies to last all year for only $10.00 each. Of course BM will raise hell because the supplies won't be the cute character stuff.:O

If we wait until just before school starts to buy supplies, they will cost an arm and a leg.

Ok this easy people repeat with me "That IS what CS is for!" Keep saying it til you get it! What part of that can you not get?? If you stop giving money freely to the bm she WILL step up. It might take a while but she will! Come on you are enabling her and excusing her and reliving her of her responsibility by giving her money on top of CS! This is very easy! I know the kids may suffer for a while but it is necessary til bm gets her head outta her ass. It is worth it for a little while for you to have some money left for YOUR household for years to come. This is common sense people! If bm never gets her head outta her ass it is HER fault not yours or your dh's he has met his obligation. That doesn't mean that your dh can't buy the kids things but don;t ever give bm money on top of CS.

This is how we handle things when bm says she needs money for school supplies or clothes dh tells her that is what CS is for. If we feel the need to buy the skids anything we do but it stays here for them. If it is a game system or something then they can take it back and forth but only if it comes back if not no more. The skids have learned that if they bring it back and keep a hold of it we are more likely to buy them things. If we want to buy them clothes we do if not we don't. BM SHOULD NOT tell you how to spend your money!!!

Ughhh, this comes up every year around this time on the board lol. Ok-here's some perspectives.

A POSSIBILITY for this could be -and this is exactly my case- the fact of having finished paying very high amounts of summer camp for two children and being behind for school supplies-which makes total sense honestly.

I did not use my ex or his family to watch the kids all summer like my bf's ex did (in essence having the whole summer to herself AND collecting CS and not paying for summer camp costs-must be nice!).

I paid $250 a week for two kids all 8 weeks of summer. I will not lie-it put me behind on most my bills by 2-4 weeks. I'm still playing catch up-it will be at least end of Sept or so I think before I can be fully caught up on bills.

A couple times my exh would sometimes give me $25 more a week during summer to help w/summer camp costs. He also pays $500 a month for TWO growing boys-he also owes thousands in arrears I will not go after ever. He also never has paid half of deductibles/co-pays. The extra curriculars he's supposed to by decree help pay half. He has done it ONCE in 7 years-and I only send them to one or two a year. He also does not take the boys the 2-4 weeks in summer allotted because he's working-or the split weeks during spring/winter breakds...and would have to find care or pay for summer camp which he won't do...so enter this BM keeping them all summer besides all year and paying full summer camp

Hence no money for a vacation this year-or the last 3 or more.

This year he did not help extra for summer...he had already told me he couldn't. He advised me before I asked. Last week I ASKED him-if he did have a little extra for that week for supplies that was cool. He knows I've gotten behind by almost a month on bills-he also knows our sons bday is coming up Sat-I have to postpone getting his gift till MOnday (payday). He threw in an extra $75...I thanked him a lot-it pretty much did cover my school supplies -about $60 this year...and the after school enrollment fee. He also bought my youngest a pair of shoes (which I told him already he really didn't need-he has his brothers hand me downs still in good condition. On ocassion he will buy a shirt or something random for them on his own. Not every time.

Now I still have PE uniforms-and more back to school clothes to get as I try to catch up the damage from summer camp

SO-you see, sometimes I wonder when I see on this site-do we know the whole story? I work full time, I fully support my children-about 80pct or more I would say. What he gives HELPS, a lot....but $6K a year doesn't begin to scratch the surface of supporting the kids.

I know people gripe about CS-but really there is a lot that goes cost wise into raising kids that NCP parents don't realize.

Over I get what you are saying but in my case my dh is not behind with anything never has been and refuses to be. I am more then ok with that. However bm does not work never has and never will according to her dh owes her for the rest of her life. She lives off of CS. EVERYTHING skids get for her and from dh is DH"S MONEY! He supports them 100%! So when bm asks for extra the answer is NO!

From my understanding that is the op's case too. I can understand where she is coming from. Her dh NEEDS to tell bm no. If he keeps this up he is letting the bm not having any responsibly for her kids and keeping all his CS money to do what she wants. He has to tell her no she will have to use CS to SUPPORT her kids.

So we have two extremes in our house - my ex paid nothing for years until his wife no 2 shamed him into paying a miniscule amount until kids turned 18 - then zip, nada, no help for college, nothing, tough luck. That's ok, I work, I support my kids fully, I'm putting them through college, DH never has to put his hand in his pocket for my two.

His ex - wow did she hit the gravy train!! She convinced my DH that she could take him to the cleaners and in spite of all advice to the contrary he AGREED to pay double the normal CS and over and above that he also pays all school expenses, all medical expenses, all dental expenses and optical expenses. And he gives her standard of living increases each year!

Meanwhile she gets to buy the kids laptops, i-pods, musical instuments, the latest phones, all the cool stuff - "see what Mommy bought me, isn't she the coolest Mom ever???" BARF :sick:

Still, it's not my money so vent over.

Some are not getting my point..My point is this if the bm can get someone else to pay for her kids then she will usually the dad by guilting them into it. But IF the BD is paying CS he IS supporting his kid and if bd gives money or pays for something that CS is supposed to be used for he is ENABLING the bm to continue to be a POS! If the BD would stop and only give CS this is FORCE the bm to step up if not is the bm fault not the dads! Sorry but I will never see it any different. I have 2 kids of my own and I still see it as me having 50% responsibility to provide for my kids along with their dad and I would never dream of making or asking him to support them 100% and keep his CS!

If you stop feeding the bm she will have to step up, as I said it may take a while but it is bm's fault not the bd he is paying is CS like the courts ordered as HMO said!

We don't pay child support. I do agree that it SHOULD be used to pay for the kids needs. BM was living off of it, so we stopped paying it. How do we get away with that??? Well, BM is afraid to go to court with us, so she never fights it. There was never court appointed CS, they had a written agreement, and when she was going on her 3rd year of NOT WORKING DH and I decided we were not going to support her anymore, and told her we were amending the current mediation orders, and reversing the child support out. She agreed, signed the paperwork and now there is a written agreement that neither of us pay.

You would think then, that the expenses for SS would be SPLIT. We have 50/50 custody, no one PAYS anyone... so the costs should be split as well... NOPE. We pay for everything. School clothes, supplies, extra ciric. activities, field trips, EVERYTHIING. She contributes NOTHING. WHY do we do it, because we choose to. SS is the only one that would suffer if we didn't. There are things that we choose to do for him that are not our "legal" obligation. But if we don't do it, who will? No one.

I completely understand the frustration. And agree 100% that CS should be used for these things. I also understand that as parents, we do things we don't want to, to make sure our kids are taken care of.

And let me add, that about 3 months ago, DH sat BM down and told her that he is done picking up her slack. She needs to pay us the money she owes for past advances on paying babysitters, promises to pay half for new baseball bats etc. Things she never followed through on. This is why... SS got school supplies for his bday from her. We will see how long it lasts. She still didn't buy him school clothes. BUT, with that said, I didn't go out and buy clothes for him to keep at her house. Something I have done in the past.

Thank god DH had no trouble telling BM "that is what CS is for." This was especially true when
1) we paid half of daycare when BM never had a job.
2) we paid crazy $$$ for therapy, psychiatric visits and meds that BM said the skids needed. (When they turned 18 and we no longer had to pay medical, they were miraculously cured)
3)only income into BM's house was DH's CS while BM's deadbeat hubby and 23 year old SS lived in house. That's right, 3 adults and not one with a job.

If we wanted to buy skids something we did. BM did not tell us how to spend what was left after CS was paid. If the skids clothes started to look ratty or they needed a haircut DH would remind her that the CS was for the skids not the entire household of lazy bums. She would always say "Oh, I was going to take them shopping next week."

If dad is not sure his kids are getting the supplies and bio mom cannot be relied on to spend CS on this kind of stuff, then he is just being a really good dad to his kids. Since he also buying for his steps....how much better can he be? I could see if he didn't for the steps, but he is just a good guy. Nothing wrong with someone pointing out to the OP that just because she may not like it, it does not necessarily make it wrong. If she makes a big deal about this and fights start, next thing he will resent buying for hers, and no one needs that to happen. Leave good enough alone. He sounds like a good caring dad and stepdad. Forget about biomom, not worth your time and stress.

Rolling my eyes sorry stepfamilyfriend but your argument doesn't fly! The dad ALREADY PAID for things like supplies in CS! So what does it matter if he CHOOSES to buy supplies for his steps? It doesn't as the dad has already paid for the things that his kids need by paying his CS. It is NOT his fault that the bm is a POS! I still don;t get why he can't just say no that is what CS is for and MAKE her step up! What is so wrong in that??? Really seriously? Poor guy is already paying his part and everyone acts like he should pay more just b/c bm is a bitch!

Purple, I get both sides. HONESTLY-to me it depends on how much CS is being paid, how many children, what's in the decree, does he exercise his full visitation weeks and provide care during that time, etc.

LIke I said-I asked if he could help w/some extra-he did. But the 'scenarios' behind the request-even if he does pay CS are quite different honestly.
See my post-so it's all relative IMO.

Many custodial parents sometimes want to do extra for their kids for things they don't NEED-do we allot a certain amount of $ for those that live w/us and refuse to do more on principle? So as long as it's not putting them in the poor house a $50 supply trip (if it was even that)...is not a mountain worth dying on. PARTICULARLY when the man is FULLY financially supporting a woman NOT working and her two biological children from another man. It just sounds hypocritial a bit to me. At least in this case it does.

Still fuming... I recently attended my step-daughters baby shower. After being there for over an hour, the door bell rings. Much to my surprise in walks my husbands (we have been married 8 years now) ex-girlfriend. To my embarrasment all eyes turn to see my reaction. My husband and this woman did not have a nice breakup and she continued to badmouth him and even me for years to the family. I personally feel it was bad manners to invite us both to the same shower. They have never done this before so I am confused as to why now. To make matters even worse, the girlfriend decided NOW it was the time to "Clear the Air". She then proceeded to announce to me that my husband REALLY had never really meant that much to her afterall and she was OK with things now. REALLY??? I took the high road, was nice to everyone including the girlfriend and stayed until all had left and helped clean up. However, I cried all the way home as I was simply humiliated that these people did not inform me she was coming beforehand so I could have made the decision to go or not... My hubby which tries to see the good in everyone says it was just an oversight.... I have decided to never attend another function of these people as I feel this was intentional and unkind. I will provide a gift as it is the proper thing to do but will not be treated like this again. I wanted to say something to my step daughter but hubby says don't make waves...that by saying something I would just look crazy... What would you have done?

Here's another point! In MY case, DH pays CS for his daughter. SS18 lives with US. BM pays us NO CS for him. On top of that, DH is responsible for ALL transportation of BOTH kids when it's visitation time. What I mean is when it's our weekend with SD10 DH drives the 35 miles to pick her up and the 35 miles to drop her off. TOLLS included. When it comes time for SS18 to visit his mother DH pays for SS18's ROUNDTRIP ticket to and from BM's EOW. On TOP of that, ANY and ALL expenses, school trips, Karate, bookbags etc...BM expects my DH to pay for it. So at what point is BM responsible for HER children? How is that fair? The principal is and should always be THAT IS WHAT THE CS IS FOR and BM should not get ONE CENT more than that. PERIOD.

I did read all th posts, and I just see it differently. When DH and I got together, he had 2 kids half time and I had my daughter. Dh was paying some CS, not court ordered, but an agreed amount. When we joined families and his ex moved in with her new partner, we had a face to face confrontation in which my Dh told the ex and BF quite harshly:
" You tell me why the F. this family (us) should have to support your family (to the two of them)". After that he paid much less.
Dh and I both worked, but he made more money, so he definitely paid for a lot of my daughters expenses. He never, ever resented a dollar spent on her, even though we were low on money when he had less work. ( My daughter's dad is out of the picture completely). At times bio mom asked for money for something or other for the kids and DH asked a lot of questions about it and mostly gave her the extra. At times I did have that feeling of dislike and upset, since bm has a med condition and has not worked for years, while I work non stop. I did feel some resentment, but I tried to see it as just that. I never gave DH a hard time about anything he gave or bought his kids. He is not a Disney dad, so he did not just waste money on them, not at all.
I think he just did right by them and my letting him be a good dad, probably has something to do with none of us hating each other now.
Not flaming, not trolling, not just trying to argue. I am just giving my opinion on this. Besides, who knows what really goes on in any of the lives that we get little bits from here.

Unfreakingreal...I get your point-we will all be upset and jaded and more apt to side on whatever side we are experiencing. Personal bias.

I know my exh by court decree is ordered to handle transportation-but 90pct of the time we split it. I handle one way, him the other. Only a handful of times have we not split it. I'm MORE then fair with him-and he has more then slacked his responsibilities time and financial with the boys for years. Hence his strained relationship w/them.

I din't think an 18yr old qualified for CS (unless you're in one of those shitty states)? WHy is the 18yr old counting on dad to pay his visiation to mom at this age?

There are one too many entitled women in this country-and they think men should provide them everything, fully support not only the kids but their grown asses too-even after divorce..it's nothing but entitlement, princess complex. It's disgusting, I know.