Should 7 year olds have cell phones?
BM bought SD7 a cell phone to bring with her for summer visitation. Of course she never discussed this with DH, and only emailed the day before about it just to inform him that it was not to be taken away from SD. So now he looks like the bad guy if he were to take it away or put restrictions on it. It’s not like we don’t let SD call her mom any time she wants, and we don’t deny calls from her mother, even though 4 out of 5 weekly calls get denied when he tries to contact her. SD has already been taught that she has to remember to call BM every night before bed, or she will get in trouble. She has woken up and acted terrified before, saying “I have to call my mom right now, she will be so mad I forgot to call!” or “My mom said she won’t go to bed until I call her, and she has to get up early in the morning.”
So because of her instilling fear in the poor child that she might get in trouble for not calling, we would never stop her from calling her mother. And, I know it is hard for a girl to be away from her mother, so I always tell that she can call her whenever she wants. Every phone call is a guilt trip, with BM telling her how much she misses her over and over, or telling her what she bought for her that day or awesome activity she has planned for when she gets home. SD looks almost guilty when she gets off the phone, and one time said “I hope my mom’s okay, she sounds sad.” It usually brings down the mood of an otherwise happy time with DH, SD and I.
Now she’s gotten her a cell phone and expects to be able to call and text all day long. I just don’t think 7 year old needs a cell phone! If we put restrictions on it, then we look like the bad guys. It’s bad enough when I’m at a fast food place or somewhere in the mall and the annoying teenager working there can’t look up from texting or playing games on their phone, now I have to deal with a little girl ignoring me too! Should DH limit the amount of time she spends on the phone, or just let her do whatever she wants with it? I’m definitely don’t feel like we should be responsible for charging it, or taking care of it, because BM never discussed this with DH at all. :?
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It makes me so angry and sad
It makes me so angry and sad for SD when I see her panic about calling mom. I always try to remind her but sometimes we get caught up in our routine settling down for the night, and that bitch is not on my mind. SD never even wants to call her mom during the day, even though I'll usually ask her if she wants to. DH has emailed several times, telling BM to please stop threatening SD, that BM can call whenever she wants. She doesn't respond to the emails. We would never try to keep her from talking to BM like BM keeps SD from talking to DH. I agree that she doesn't need the phone on her 24/7, thanks for giving your opinion allmitchell. It would be nice if DH could use the phone number to call SD, but BM made it clear that SD is only to call members of her family.
I would ask for the number
I would ask for the number and get your DH to call her several times this week on it while SD is at her mothers. See how far that flies. Bet BM will restrict her daughter from talking to her Dad while SD is with BM. That would at least give you an excuse as to why you are limiting SD's use of the phone when she is with you.
That would have been a good
That would have been a good plan, except for DH had no knowledge until a day before he was to pick up SD for the summer. He didn't have any time to learn of the phone, talk to her about any rules regarding it. Just a last minute email saying "SD has been given a phone, do not take it away from her."
The worst part is, we were supposed to pick up SD during our visit last weekend. Visit was supposed to start Wednesday and we requested to just keep SD from our usual eow visit, so that we could have her settled in our state by the end of the weekend. We drove 600+ miles to get her and were then told that the original agreement was going to be followed and we would have to wait two days. DH wants to spend a full week with her when she first gets here, so instead of taking days off of work to hang out in their state until we could get SD again, we just came home. We are getting her two days late now, tomorrow morning. We are driving 600 miles for the second time in two weeks, thanks to BM reneging on the original agreement.
So DH got the email this morning instructing him to once again submit to BM's control tactics. We are pissed that she didn't speak to him about the phone before promising SD that she would have full reign of calls and texts. AND SD is not to use the phone to call anyone in our family, only BM and whoever she allows her to talk to.
Stop! Stop right now! You are
Stop! Stop right now!
You are only the 'bad guy' if you allow yourselves to be the 'bad guy'.
What you are doing is co-parenting. You take cell phone off Missy7 and tell her "I know your mummy misses you. But we will call her in a couple of hours on your cell phone. So lets put it in a safe place (on top of the refrigerator is a great place). No, mummy will be fine. How do you think daddy copes when you aren't here. He misses you jsut as much. If mummy wants to talk to daddy about it she can call him. But for now, no cell phone."
Not to mention it is an extrmelt rude habit to be 24/7 on your cell phone.
Please PLEASE remember, the BM cannot dictate what you have to do on DHs time unless it is something the child needs to avaoid... bee sting allergy so no trips to the honey farm!
DH needs to email her and tell her that SD will call/text her between the hours of 7-9am and 5-8pm. If she has a problem with it she can take ity up with her attorney.
Just make things very easy for SD otherwise. But someone needs to step up and parent this child and her mother-child. Someone needs to say "No, enough!"
DH already sent BM an email
DH already sent BM an email saying that he will put restrictions on the amount of time SD is allowed to use the phone, especially not using it late into the evening. I was just shocked that she actually believed that we would just let a 7 year old have free reign of a phone to call and text whenever she wants!
Thank you Foxie. I know that
Thank you Foxie. I know that the right thing to do is make sure she gets the nightly phone call. Even though it bugs the crap out of me that I have to give in to BM, I know that SD needs to talk to her mother and I wouldn't ever keep her from doing that. It's a struggle to separate the bitterness from BM's silly games, and what is right for the child. I'm still learning and I'm glad I have this site to go to for help!
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story regarding the cell phone iwlass. That is my biggest concern, BM having more opportunities to PAS SD7 when it's already bad enough. I've actually already read through a lot of your blogs one day, and thought I could learn a lot from your situation.
Absolutely NOT. With the
Absolutely NOT. With the sexting going on between children these days, we won't be getting SD8 a cell phone for many years to come. We grew up without cells phones, they can too. I find it absolutely ridiculous for children to have cell phones.
I think it's ridiculous
I think it's ridiculous too!Since we never prohibit SD from calling or receiving calls from her mom, I really don't think the phone should be necessary.
I have a boring old tracfone
I have a boring old tracfone which is miles cheaper than any other phone out there. And yes, I sound like my grandmother "If I survived without it you can too. It wont kill you!"
When I see all the new cars with plug ins for everything under the sun in case Johnny has to entertain himself and look out fo a window and THINK about the scenery ... I really wonder how these kids will cope if a magnetic pulse hits and takes out all the electronics for a month or so....
Your house your rules. BM2
Your house your rules.
BM2 tried to get the judge to tell us we had to let SD8, almost 9 have a cell phone. The judge asked what DH thought about that. DH explained that our sons have cell phones and got them the summer before 6th grade, and that was the earliest we felt they were mature enough. And they are tightly monitored by parental controls. The judge told BM2 that it sounded like a no go, and to be aware that if she bought a cell phone we didn't have to let SD use it.
If BM had been sane enough to
If BM had been sane enough to talk to DH about the phone prior to one day before summer visitation starts, it would have been a lot better. She knew that we wouldn't want to be responsible for it, and that we would just look like the bad guys to SD7 because she had already promised it to her. When BM was repeatedly denying phone calls from DH even though the CO says she has to allow them once a day, she claimed that it was because she didn't have enough minutes on her phone to let SD talk. We offered to buy a pre paid phone, on the stipulation that she keep it and only use it to let SD call us or family back. She denied that and said that she wouldn't be responsible for telling SD to call back, or not to use it since it wasn't her phone. It's a constant double standard with this crazy woman,it's frustrating!
Eeeew, HelpMe....I hadn't
Eeeew, HelpMe....I hadn't thought of that spying business. BM would love that! I am glad and appreciative of this post, because I believe this will happen in the next year or two with SSs6. BM is really dependent upon her twice-daily grilling, PAS-ing phone calls, and upon DH's adherence to doing it when they are with her. It just about drove her nuts when DH told the boys (after they got a bit older and the divorce transition to two homes was something they had grown used to) that he would be calling once a day rather than the twice BM had wanted him to comply with. For her it is only about control. I dread these calls, as usually one of the boys ends up in tears, pleading with her- emotional abuse. Anyway, because we practice parallel parenting (thank you to a Steptalker who suggested that!), I can tell you that when she does buy them a phone, we will abide by our rules for it in this house, NOT hers. Her house, her rules. Our house, our rules!!
Good luck, Gigi. Please let us know what you decide. Enquiring minds want to know!
Oh crap, I hadn't thought of
Oh crap, I hadn't thought of that either! It wouldn't surprise me, she's that crazy! This sucks because SD is probably all excited about having the phone and I am probably just going to tell her she can only use it once a day. So now I'm the bad guy, but that's better than having a virtual spy in my home, or BM being able to contaminate SD's mind all day every day.
I usually read aloud from Steptalk to DH during our long trips eow to see SD. It's funny, when he got the email from BM about the phone, he called me and asked "What do you think the other step parents would do, go blog about it now!" LOL
I would nip this cell phone
I would nip this cell phone crap in the bud right away! Not only is 7 too young, but this is just one more way BM is controlling "your house". It's your house- YOUR RULES! I would turn it off and put it away the second she gets in the car.. Then hand it back to her as she's Gettin out of the car to go back to BMs. Let her have her nightly phone calls the same way you have been (your phones). Explain to SD that in your home 7 is just too young for a cell phone and that doesn't mean she can't talk to her mom. Rememeber, If u give an inch they take a mile.. So stop it before it starts!! IMO of course
I hope the best for u no matter what u decide to do!!!
Whatever happened to letting
Whatever happened to letting kids have phones once they could also afford them? Meaning like 14, 15 or 16????
Here's the rules for YOUR
Here's the rules for YOUR home.
In order to avoid problems with the cell phone, SD will call mommy on a certain day at a certain time twice a week.
If you feel there's a problem with her talking with her mother, either the child becomes sad or withdrawn, you'll have to limit those phones to once a week. This is your time with the child, it is special and it's not BM's time with this family. Ask her to respect your rules and allow you to have this time without her taking the child away.
Or...lose the phone....OOPS??? where'd it go? ANd then find it right before she goes home, outside in the garage where it was left on a box and not brought inside...and, alas, the batteries died.