So aggravated >:( Please help me
Ok, I am new to this site, but out of sheer desperation I have found it and am hoping for some insight. I have stepchildren. Several actually, and no biological children of my own. My husband's ex wife with whom he has 3 children is PSYCHOTIC. He has a child with his first wife and there are no issues there. She is fine. However, the 2nd wife is nothing less than mentally ill. I am pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder. she may be a sociopath. She has no empathy for anyone else, and appears to think the world revolves around her. My husband has custody of one of the children with her. BM thinks that when she wants a visit she gets it, and when she doesn't then she doesn't. It doesn't matter what we have planned, or what we have arranged or previously agreed on, she ENSURES that she gets what she wants. Usually by lying to us until she gets the child and then just keeping her until she is ready. She does not see that this is a problem and then acts like my husband is being so unreasonable because he wants to know when his daughter is going to return from a visit. Our time doesn't matter. Our lives don't matter. It's all what she wants when she wants it. This is really starting to get to me. I love my husband so much but I just cannot figure out how to make peace with the situation. I mean, I have to live the whole rest of my life with her selfish antics! When will it end, and how do I accept it?!?!?! :?
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Simple... the word is NO.
Simple... the word is NO. Repeat and rinse as neccessary. Just tell her no. Don't listen or pay attention to the histrionics or tantrums. No, No, No. No, we have plans, choose another date. No, she is alseep/at her friends place/ No, she has school. No, no NONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The word is NO. And your DH
The word is NO. And your DH needs to learn it. Stick to the custody agreement. She can argue and whine and lie all she wants. Stick to the custody agreement. If she breaks it, let her know it won't be tolerated. And repeat...NO. That's not the approved schedule. No, no, no. My DH had a little trouble with that and still does. You have to get him to understand the best word in his vocab when it comes to her is No. He owes her nothing. He does, however, have to answer to you.
Thanks so much. The bad thing
Thanks so much. The bad thing is, this visit for example, we had plans for dates and she took her to visit family out of state (allegedly) and then after she gets her up there asks if she can keep her for four more days. When my husband says no have her back on the same date she says she is keeping her regardless because he owes her a weekend, and she is taking it then because it is up to her when she takes her makeup weekend. She is RIDICULOUS and yes histrionics is the perfect word. Then she gets nasty. It can't just be civil, and it infuriates me. It makes me so angry, I don't know how to accept that this is a part of my life forevermore :/
Then you need to be done with
Then you need to be done with be flexible with the crazy woman.
You now play by the rules of the games....and there's no more gimmees. Structured rules because she has no validty or care in the way she treats all involved.
No good deed goes unpunished and here's a perfect example. You must wait until she brings the kid home, then let her know, from this moment on, what has been agreed on will now be followed as keeping up with her is to difficult and while her thoughtless actions benefit her, it doesn't the rest of the family.
Wow....what a crazy woman!!
oh wow she's mental! DH has
:jawdrop: oh wow she's mental! DH has to learn to say NO that's not right for you or for the child.
BM to my SD3 is the same way,
BM to my SD3 is the same way, and so is DH. They have such a hard time saying no! This is what I tell him, and after much calm repetition, and some practice, he is beginning to see the validity (although it is slow going). He can and should say no to BM. What, other than a tantrum, is she going to do? And after all the barking she is left with the same answer - no. AND DH is divorced from her, if the answer isn't going to change, then he doesn't even have to listen to her barking. He can leave the situation with a final cut off of: "My answer stays the same, I'll see you later." He can end an abusive phone conversation with "This isn't going anywhere, and I'm not changing my mind. Goodbye." and hang up. He can refuse to return texts (but he can save them for later use in court if need be). He doesn't even have to give her reasons, and I would advise against giving BM reasons, since it will just fuel her histrionics. Eventually she may finally figure out that her histrionics don't get her anywhere anymore.
The only other thing that I would consider, and I try to do this with DH's BM is to predict everything that could go wrong, that BM could do, and (yes) stick to the plan to avoid such things. DH has a hard time with this, because BM always has good reasons, but when I present past evidence to him he usually reasons out.
Good luck, and please share with me anything that works for you, since I am still dealing with this myself!
Oh, and remember, the kids
Oh, and remember, the kids will eventually grow up and leave the house. You and your DH won't. You two will be there together forever, and that bond needs to remain in the forefront when dealing with the 'others' (BM's).