SD7 tells Dh last night that she doesn't want to come to visit, BM told her she didn' t have to.
My DH has been fighting for several years to be a part of his DD7's life since his divorce with her mom. 5 years he has had to deal with false allegations, his daughter being withheld from him, and harassment from her family towards him and even me since I entered the picture 4 years ago. Now he has finally gotten his psycho BM to agree to a custody schedule that involves eow and 5 weeks in the summer. They agreed on this two months ago, but she has yet to sign the paperwork. Now we are worried that SD7 will not be up to our state this summer, once again. Last summer we thought everything had been settled and at the last minute we were informed that she wouldn't be coming. Every year DH has gotten his hopes up and been crushed, so this year he was really excited about finally being able to bring his DD back to her paternal side of the family again. In 2 weeks visitation is supposed to start, but BM has been ignoring emails and calls from not only DH, but her lawyer as well about signing the Stipulated Order and setting a solid summer schedule.
SD7 has been talking all year about coming this summer. She has been excited to meet her cousins and grandparents that she doesn't remember. Every other weekend when we see her she brings it up at least once. Until yesterday when DH called her and as they were getting off of the phone, the BM got on and told him that SD7 needed to tell him something. SD, with coaching from her mom in the background, tells him that her mom has told her that she doesn't have to come visit us if she doesn't want to. She explained to him that her mom told her that she wouldn't like daycare here, because she wouldn't know anybody. DH was crushed. First of all, BM is wrong for even telling that poor girl that she has a choice, because she doesn't. DH handled it well and told her that she didn't have a choice about coming for the summer, and he was sorry if anyone made her feel that she did. He explained that we were both taking vacations so that we could have time to be with her, and that we would still be doing all of the activities that we have been planning all year. She seemed fine after he said that, and said "Okay!", like nothing was ever wrong. If SD7 had these thoughts on her own, it would be a lot different. BM coaches her through the majority of their phone calls, always putting it on speaker phone and not allowing any type of privacy. She has resisted allowing the child to visit us at home for 5 years now. It sucks that the little girl comes from a divorced family, but people all over the world share custody of their children every year and it works for them.
Why wouldn't BM want to encourage SD about coming here? She knows she doesn't have a choice and telling her she does is only going to make SD resentful of us. I guess that's her plan, but it's really screwed up that she puts her child in the middle of it.
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Because she's punishing her
Because she's punishing her exh-and she cares more about hurting him then the well being of her child. You can fight it in court, drag it on, spend thousands, see therapists...in the end does that work? I dont' know-I begin to see why so many fathers just throw in the towel and move on with their lives. I dont' blame them.
That's exactly what she is
That's exactly what she is doing overit. We've done everything you listed but he doesn't want to give up and neither do I. I can absolutely understand why some do throw the towel in, the feeling of constant defeat is so overwhelming. It feels so hopeless to know that him loving his child and doing everything he can to be a positive influence in her life will never be enough.
"Dead beat Dads"... not
"Dead beat Dads"... not always the correct term... some of them are "BEAT DEAD" by their ex. Give up, throw in the towel, wave the white flag.
He's been close to beat dead
He's been close to beat dead alright, and so have I! I can only hope that one day SD will see that no matter what crazy rumors her mom has started about DH, that she will see the proof that he was a good dad and was always there even when it was tough.
Or "DEAD BROKE DADS" due to
Or "DEAD BROKE DADS" due to exhorbitant CS, like GG has to pay. He could NEVER live on his own and support himself with al the money his greedy, gold digging ex-beotch takes away!!
Per capita, there are more DEAD BEAT NCP BMs than DEAD BEAT NCP biodads. Seems the courts and everyone else looks the other way when mommykins decides to walk away from her children. Double standard, indeed!!
In addition, most dads are PUSHED away by the CP BM, who gleefully brandishes wallet extraction implements known as the divorce industry, lawyers and the court "Old Girl System."
Because she's a selfish bitch
Because she's a selfish bitch and it is the control that she has over your DH and her daughter.
It is definitely a control
It is definitely a control issue, but what is with these psychotic BM's feeling ownership over their children? It takes TWO to make a child. If he was a bad guy, then I could see why she would fight to not have him in her daughter's life, but most of what she does is just pure evil.
And the fact of the matter is
And the fact of the matter is that until the laws and courts change to hold the PASing BMs feet to the fire, the same damage will occur over and over again.
I hope these PASed out children will form an alliance one day and SUE the court system and all the corrupt lawyers, gov't agencies and so-called "women's rights" associations for having destroyed their childhood. Then prosecute their own BMs for abuse!
I wish there was a like
I wish there was a like button on this site Auteur! The PAS is ridiculously high coming from the BM that I have to deal with. She's been in and out of court for 5 years with 2 ex husbands, 2 children's fathers, and even with restraining order cases against multiple men and women. DH has fought for his daughter for years, but he just didn't have the financial support that she did from her parent's. He never gave up, but all of this time BM has been telling SD that her daddy didn't want her, that's why they got divorced. What kind of devil would tell a child that they are the reason for a divorce, that's horrible! Actually they got divorced because the idiot got pregnant with another mans baby! I hope the PAS alliance that you speak of becomes a reality soon, so that we can stop these bitches from ruining their children even more than they already have!
The Behemoth did the same
The Behemoth did the same thing and she works for. . .
her local CHILD PROTECTIVE AGENCY as a caseworker!!!
She also has been allowed to foster two children (for the $$$$$$, of course) so she can RUIN a total of FIVE children and not her own three!!
That is exactly why our BM
That is exactly why our BM has gotten away with so much, she worked for a subsidiary of CPS in a small town (where mothers apparently run the world, no matter how wacked they are). And BM's mother was a social worker also, so DH was screwed from the beginning. I couldn't imagine if she was a foster parent too, those poor kids.
my ss6 lives with us full
my ss6 lives with us full time. he is afraid to go to BM's house. if BM's BF's kid is NOT there he will cry and scream and tell us he dosent want to go. so we dont make him.
SD, with coaching from her
SD, with coaching from her mom in the background, tells him that her mom has told her that she doesn't have to come visit us if she doesn't want to. She explained to him that her mom told her that she wouldn't like daycare here, because she wouldn't know anybody
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is one sick BM. :jawdrop:
She's done a lot worse, and
She's done a lot worse, and put her child in the middle of a lot worse than that. I'm not a bio mom yet, but I love children and I treat SD very good. I couldn't imagine anyone, let alone her mother, wanting to make her uncomfortable or scared to go with her own father. I would be doing everything I could to make sure that she was okay, and not stressing over anything while she was with the other parent. SD was told last year to stop telling DH that she loved him, because she just "didn't know him well enough to love him". BM actually admitted this in an email, and SD stopped telling her Dad she loved him at the point. DH drives 600 miles every other weekend to be with his daughter, even though we never know if the visit will actually happen or not. He calls her several times a week even though most of his phone calls are denied. He pays his CS on time every month, even though the bitch constantly complains that it's not enough. He sends his daughter a card every other week to remind her that he's thinking about her. He does everything he can to be a good dad and to show his daughter that he loves her. Now he has to deal with his own daughter saying nothing when he tells her her loves her, all because her mom tells her not to. So like you said Willow2010, that is one sick BM!
Thanks for the suggestion
Thanks for the suggestion iwlass, and yes I do have Divorce Poison. Reading this book brought a whole new understanding to BM and how what she is doing is only damaging her kids. DH even sent her an email about PAS and it's harmful effects on children. It wasn't a nasty email, just links to some articles just in case she might read them and realize what she was doing was wrong. No reply of course, and it seemed like she just upped the crazy after that. The book has helped us to learn more about doing what is best for the child, and understanding that while it may be tempting to trash her mother, that we should never do that.
Because MOST BM's are greedy,
Because MOST BM's are greedy, controlling Bit@*&......
I get nothing but attitude from SD7 and I know it comes from her mother, if it persist she will not be allowed to come to my home unless she can show me respect. She can stay home with her mother...not sure why most BM's do this, most decent ppl teach their children to be respectful to adults...however bitterness seem to change the rules.
It does seem like a lot of
It does seem like a lot of BM's are like this, but I'm very thankful that there are normal women out there who just want what is best for their children, and their step children!
Another reason may be that
Another reason may be that she is shit scared her daughter will LIKE staying with you and her father and make comparisons based on what horror stories her mother has told her and realise her mother is full of it.
I think your DH handled it perfectly. And make sure she goes back with a phot album FULL of fun things she did this summer with you and her father.
Be prepared for some tears though. She is only 7 and bound to be a little homesick for the familiarity of her mothers place which is probably (as coached by her mother) the SAFEST place in the world for her to be where SHE is the most important person in the world and lets hope Daddy doesn't forget that you are there.... Just saying.
Oneoffour, you make a very
Oneoffour, you make a very good point about her probably getting homesick at some point. She's just a little girl, and I have already talked to DH about the fact that she will inevitably miss her mother and we have to be ready to help her through. We always tell her that she can call her mother at any time while she is with us.
And I will definitely be sending home the full photo album!