Bio mom died, step dad raising the kids.
Hopefully someone will read this who has a similar situation, though I'm starting to wonder.
I have a step son who is 15, I formally adopted him in January 2009....6 days before my wife -his bio- died. We married in 1999 so I've been around the bulk of his life...and been dad for nearly that amount of time as well. Bio dad has never seen him. We had a daughter in 2002 and life was great until my wife got sick. It was an ugly 5 years and these kids have seen things that most of us never will. I thought that he and my relationship was father-son. I never noticed any odd behavior until he started to think that she might not make it. He's been rebeling for 4 years now and once his mom died he really took off in a wierd direction. He's smoking pot, has run away from home, is on probation, will soon be locked up for the summer I'm afraid, and has no desire whatsoever to be with his sister or myself. One more thing....he's bi-racial where I, his sister, and his mom are white...if it matters.
I can go on for hours with various details and such but I want to get to the basics to see if any of you can offer some advise. he's done a complete about face from the happy, smiley kid we raised and now he's a disrespectful, lying, stealing young man. He's told me that he doesn't want to be with me, that he thinks I'm an ok guy but that I'm not his dad and he doesn't have to live by my rules. He thinks he got screwed.
To make matters worse, I've recently found that my in-laws (wifes family..and his "blood") have been working against me behind my back for years. They've told him that if they need anything to call them, they sneak him money, they tried to cover up for a felony burglery he commited by telling the police that they were the custodial parents and that I had thrown him out and wanted nothing to do with him. He has never lived anywhere but with his mother and I. My daughter is scared of him because he threatons her, he will bold face lie to me, quit sports, failed his freshman year, and just doesn't care.
I enrolled him in counseling after his mom died (actually enrolled all of us), have put him in touch with the right people (youth for Christ, etc) but nothing is working. He acts like he hates my guts. it hurts...to have someone who I raised as my own turn on my in such a nasty way. I hold him accountable for his actions, but I fear I'm losing the war because he always has grandma to bail him out. I'm running out of ideas other than signing over custody to her (grandma) and being done with it. But is that the right thing to do? I'm taking any and all ideas, thought, prayers, whatever you've got...
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Cut bio-grandma out? I have
Cut bio-grandma out?
I have similar issues w/ my family in terms of them treating my kiddo like a pooor widdle baybie. My dad and an aunt and uncle all live on a family farm (there are more family members who live there, but these three are the culprits - the main one being my aunt, "Granny L") who just insist on spoiling my kid rotten. When I get her back, she's always extra sassy and has picked up super bad habits that have ranged from letting herself into other people's homes and helping herself to the food in their fridge to pulling her hair out. I've tried to explain to them my expectations for her in terms of behavior, but all has been met with resistance. I mean, she's just so adorable and I was away so much of her young life (I was in the army) so they feel so bad for her, blah, blah, blah. I finally just had to cut them out. She can talk to them on the phone and, on the rare occasion I get down to see them at the farm, she can see them under my supervision, but out-right visitation (i.e. spring break, a week or two during summer) has been cut out. It's sad, but sometimes necessary.
I know SS's grandparents think they're doing him a favor, but they are not. Also, since you adopted him, you *are* his dad. He doesn't have to like it. He can think he got screwed all he wants. Nobody in this world gets to pick their parents - bio, adopted, or step. That's not getting screwed, it's called life.
Hi mejohn, First of all, I'm
Hi mejohn,
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Maybe he needs more intense professional help from a new counselor. If you call his doctor's office, they will probably have the phone numbers of counselors who specialize in dealing with grieving kids/teens.
Also, what are his interests and hobbies? Does he like to draw? Does he like to play sports? Signing him up for classes/clubs that are about things he's interested in might help.
I don't think going to your in-laws will be good for him or for you. He might really come to resent you and do something to harm you and/or your daughter if you sign him over to his grandma, because he might feel as though you walked out on him. Ask his therapist if he should be around your in-laws right now. Right now, the best way for him to see them would be in a family counselor's office, with you all there.
My heart goes out to you and the kids.
SOUNDS LIKE THERE MAY BE A
SOUNDS LIKE THERE MAY BE A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT ISSUES GOING ON HERE. HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG CROUD, THINKING THEY ARE ADULT ENOUGH TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS, AND HAVING SOMEONE TO COVER OR LIE FOR THEM WOULD BE MOST TEENAGERS DREAM WORLD.PUSHING THE LIMITS IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR THE MORE HEAD STRONG. MAYBE YOU NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH GRANDMA ABOUT WORKING WITH YOU RATHER THEN AGAINST YOU ON THESE MATTERS. I HAD A FEW YEARS OF FEELING MY KIDS HATED ME BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. THEY TURNED OUT FINE.THEY HAD ENOUGH FRIENDS EAGER TO HELP THEM DOWN THE WRONG PATH. I NEEDED TO BE THE AUTHORITIVE FIGURE WILLING TO STAND MY GROUND,BLOCK THE PATH IF IT WAS THE WRONG ONE AND HEAD THEM IN ANOTHER DIRECTION IF NEEDED. IT IS NOT EASY. ALSO SOMETIMES KIDS WILL CREATE SITUATIONS THAT THEY FEEL PROTECT THEM FROM GETTING HURT. AFTER MY HUSBAND DIED [20 YRS. AGO] I HAD ONE DAUGHTER WHO WAS QUITE RUDE AND COLD ACTING TOWARD ME DURING A TIME I WAS HAVING A LOT OF MEDICAL TESTS DONE. A CHIDRENS HOSPICE COUNSELOR EXPLAINED IT WAS NOT THAT UNCOMMON. SHE HAD LOST ONE PARENT, SHE MIGHT LOSE ANOTHER. TOO PAINFUL TO DEAL WITH ,BUT IF YOU LOSE SOMEONE WHO IS MAD AT YOU OR YOU DON;T WANT TO BE AROUND THEN IT WILL NOT HURT SO BAD . MY SISTER RAISED FOSTER CHILDREN FOR MANY YEARS.AFTER SPENDING A YR. WITH HER THEY USUALLY GO HOME TO THEIR MOTHER. AFTER A YR. THEY HAVE BECOME PART OF MY SISTER'S FAMILY,IT IS LIFE THEY ARE FAMILIAR AND COMFORTABLE WITH. THE LAST FEW WEEKS BEFORE RETURNING HOME ARE DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE. SOMETIMES THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO PUSH BUTTONS AS IF THEY WANT EVERYONE MAD AT THEM.IF THEY LEAVE ON BAD TERMS IT WON'T HURT SO MUCH OR FEEL LIKE REJECTION. MY SISTER NEVER LETS THEM LEAVE THAT WAY. SHE TELLS THEM THEY ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO VISIT, SHE WILL ALWAYS FEEL LOVE FOR THEM AND SHE KNOWS THEIR CHANGE OF ATTITUDE DURING THE LAST FEW WEEKS IS FEAR. FEAR OF CHANGE. FEAR OF LEAVING
Sorry for your loss. As far
Sorry for your loss.
As far as the kid, why doesn't he know his dad? Did your wife not want his dad to know him? I do believe that kids that are biracial have a hard enough time when they live with both parents trying to figure out where they fit in...much less when they live with just one parent. In addition, the fact that his "other family", ie. you and his sister are all white, probably don't help matters. I know you meant well, sadly, many stepparents end up in your situation with kids who resent them. At the end of the day, the best thing you can attempt to do is have a heart to heart not about drugs or what he's doing, but about him getting in touch with his dad. A boy NEEDS his bio-dad...period. I have seen it countless times. A stepdad is great, but no replacement for a bio-dad...especially for boys. And in this case, being that you and him probably have little in common, I think that is the bigger issue here.
I would really attempt to get him to meet his bio dad or at least bio-dad's family. I think that might help him not feel so left out and maybe turn him around.
Good luck.
You've basically got a kid
You've basically got a kid that has committed a felony, uses drugs, failed school, threatened your daughter who lives in fear of him, lies, steals, and has expressed a desire to not live with you but wants to live with his mother's family that has dedicated their lives to undermining you and they are willing to take him. He doesn't respect you as his dad. do you realy want BD to stay around him?
If you want to fight the fight, then more power to you but to me, it'd be a no-brainer. If you can't control him and someone else wants to take him on, then I'd let them. They are family, too-it's not like you're handing him over to the state. I'm glad that confused68 got her kids in line but they were her biokids, they like their sibling, and doesn't sound like the in-laws were interfering. I doubt grandma would let SS15 sit in jail for 2 weeks. Confused needs to give her a few lessons in tough love. You've got a totally different situation and a hard choice but do what's best for your girl. Good luck with it.
I have reread this post
I have reread this post several times. The child is a teen boy. He had a close father-son relationship with his father until it became apparrent that his mother was going to die. Children do not always have the mental maturity to act the way we adults think they should. My own children acted out,became hateful acting toward me when I started dating a year after my husband died. Is this a new situation he is dealing with? Has he assumed that because you adopted him but his mom is no longer here or part of the family unit that you would no longer want him? To some kids this would feel like rejection is lurking around the corner. So what does a child do? Either become the model "good child" and hope they are lovable enough not to get rejected or just assume that rejection is on the way so act out, say"fxxx you" and reject the other person. At least that way he can feel he made the choice first instead of waiting for it to happen to him. How many people here have raised children that never did any drugs, never got in trouble with the law,and never made threats to their younger siblings? Even those who think their kids were so perfect may be surprised years later to find out what antics the kids were involved in. I have children in their 30's who recently got together and were talking about some of the antics they got away with as teens. I was shocked to hear much of it. Yet they all turned out to be good adults.
Thanks for all the input.
Thanks for all the input. This has been a busy week due to my boy. Court Tuesday for violation of current probation, and court Wednesday for a Burglery in another state. All AFTER he spent the last 10 days in juvy lock up. What a wonderful time this all is.....
I'm NOT giving him over to grandma. She's a raving nutt who I want my children to have nothing to do with any longer. She's poisoned every grandkid she has against their parents and I'm done with her. I do have a heart and will let them see and spend time with their grandkids....on my terms, at convenient times for me, and with my supervision. No more sleep overs, trips, etc. It's time that boy of mine has a good dose of reality and realize that he won't be bailed out anymore. I sold his XBox and all the extras to pay his court costs. He's on house arrest so he will be painting the kitchen, my bedroom and the living room over the next couple of weeks. He will NOT lay around here doing nothing. In fact, I've set a password on the TV so he can't watch it until I get home. He was raised knowing right from wrong; where we screwed up was in holding him accountable...but it's never to late to learn.
It's not all about punishment though. I can understand where some of you say "to hell with it, he's not mine and will never be". Maybe, but I refuse to believe he's willing to just chuck every memory he has. I've been his dad since he was 2. We had a good life until my wife got sick and he's not too old to remember those days. I think he's lost, does have a bit of an identity crisis, but don't think it's a black/white thing. It's more of a cultural thing. Kids these days are mouthy, disrespectful little jackasses. I never would have gotten away with the stuff they say and do! So it falls on me, his dad, to work harder at making sure he has the proper influences, steady support, and love. We've become a throw away society and the lure of "getting rid" of a problem sure is attractive. But it's wrong, and you never do get "rid" of it. it may delay it for a while, or backfire in a way that is even worse than what you had to begin with.
I'm rambling...
In short....being a parent sucks sometimes. But it's also the most rewarding thing I've ever done. So i'll stick it out with him, hoping that he'll see the light. He knows that I'm the first person who has his back, and at the same time will be the first person to call the police on him. We have to take care of our own. It's not the schools, churchs, CPS, the courts or anyone elses job. It's ours. And I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give it my all.
Prayer is a powerful tool.
Here we go again..... I
Here we go again.....
I thought I had things worked out, and that through probation, possible jail time, and 2 more counseling sessions added per week (total of 3 per week) he was starting to see the light. Turns out I was wrong. He's a smart kid, and very manipulative. He's convinced the counselor of one thing, tells me another, and tells his probation officer a third variation of the same story assuming that we won't talk to each other. He's a very handsome young man, and uses that to charm authority figures and the very second they turn around he stabs them in the back.
I tried to take the high road, and am praying that sending him away to live won't curse me to a lifetime in hell. I met with his therapist to make sure we were on the same page and she was amazed to find out what really goes on at home. He had told her that his mom died then "this guy" came and adopted me. WTF! I've been around since he was two, and have raised that boy as my own with no difference between he and his sis (my bio child/8). The resentment building in me is huge and I'm sick of being uncomfortable in my own home. His therapist told me that I am responsible FOR and TO myself and my daughter. I am only responsible TO him inregards to his food, shelter, etc. HE is making poor choices and I can't let myself feel responsible for that anymore (hard to do though). This all just sucks.
So, disregard my sanctimonious prior post about keeping him. Not gonna happen. Just since I posted that he has snuck away from home detention, been caught smoking on the back porch, lied repeatedly, and makes me VERY uncomfortable if I need him to watch his sis for any lenght of time.
I tired. Tired of his lies, his refusal to deal with his issues, his feelings of being "screwed" by life (he's had a dang good one even with his mother passing). I nearly worked myself into the grave trying to drag his mother through life; a place she wanted no part of. Her mental challenges were numerous and it ultimately killed her (along with 20 vicodin per day). I asked his therapist if these genes are passed on, and she said yes to a degree. She also mentioned that, though still only 15, he shows the signs of being a full blown sociopath. yahoo.
He's either going to spend 6 months in jail for his burglery charge, or I'm sending him to his aunts. I don't feel grandma's is a good environment since granny is the one who made my wife's life a living hell. His aunt is my wifes sis, and she's a strong reminder of his mom. She's not a very attentive parent and her kids are in routine trouble, but life makes you roll the dice sometimes and hope for the best. I will not waste another year of my life on someone who just doesn't care...I did that for 10 yrs with his mother.
You can lead a horse to water.....