Cut bio-grandma out?

I have similar issues w/ my family in terms of them treating my kiddo like a pooor widdle baybie. My dad and an aunt and uncle all live on a family farm (there are more family members who live there, but these three are the culprits - the main one being my aunt, "Granny L") who just insist on spoiling my kid rotten. When I get her back, she's always extra sassy and has picked up super bad habits that have ranged from letting herself into other people's homes and helping herself to the food in their fridge to pulling her hair out. I've tried to explain to them my expectations for her in terms of behavior, but all has been met with resistance. I mean, she's just so adorable and I was away so much of her young life (I was in the army) so they feel so bad for her, blah, blah, blah. I finally just had to cut them out. She can talk to them on the phone and, on the rare occasion I get down to see them at the farm, she can see them under my supervision, but out-right visitation (i.e. spring break, a week or two during summer) has been cut out. It's sad, but sometimes necessary.

I know SS's grandparents think they're doing him a favor, but they are not. Also, since you adopted him, you *are* his dad. He doesn't have to like it. He can think he got screwed all he wants. Nobody in this world gets to pick their parents - bio, adopted, or step. That's not getting screwed, it's called life.

Hi mejohn,

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Maybe he needs more intense professional help from a new counselor. If you call his doctor's office, they will probably have the phone numbers of counselors who specialize in dealing with grieving kids/teens.

Also, what are his interests and hobbies? Does he like to draw? Does he like to play sports? Signing him up for classes/clubs that are about things he's interested in might help.

I don't think going to your in-laws will be good for him or for you. He might really come to resent you and do something to harm you and/or your daughter if you sign him over to his grandma, because he might feel as though you walked out on him. Ask his therapist if he should be around your in-laws right now. Right now, the best way for him to see them would be in a family counselor's office, with you all there.

My heart goes out to you and the kids.

SOUNDS LIKE THERE MAY BE A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT ISSUES GOING ON HERE. HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG CROUD, THINKING THEY ARE ADULT ENOUGH TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS, AND HAVING SOMEONE TO COVER OR LIE FOR THEM WOULD BE MOST TEENAGERS DREAM WORLD.PUSHING THE LIMITS IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR THE MORE HEAD STRONG. MAYBE YOU NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH GRANDMA ABOUT WORKING WITH YOU RATHER THEN AGAINST YOU ON THESE MATTERS. I HAD A FEW YEARS OF FEELING MY KIDS HATED ME BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. THEY TURNED OUT FINE.THEY HAD ENOUGH FRIENDS EAGER TO HELP THEM DOWN THE WRONG PATH. I NEEDED TO BE THE AUTHORITIVE FIGURE WILLING TO STAND MY GROUND,BLOCK THE PATH IF IT WAS THE WRONG ONE AND HEAD THEM IN ANOTHER DIRECTION IF NEEDED. IT IS NOT EASY. ALSO SOMETIMES KIDS WILL CREATE SITUATIONS THAT THEY FEEL PROTECT THEM FROM GETTING HURT. AFTER MY HUSBAND DIED [20 YRS. AGO] I HAD ONE DAUGHTER WHO WAS QUITE RUDE AND COLD ACTING TOWARD ME DURING A TIME I WAS HAVING A LOT OF MEDICAL TESTS DONE. A CHIDRENS HOSPICE COUNSELOR EXPLAINED IT WAS NOT THAT UNCOMMON. SHE HAD LOST ONE PARENT, SHE MIGHT LOSE ANOTHER. TOO PAINFUL TO DEAL WITH ,BUT IF YOU LOSE SOMEONE WHO IS MAD AT YOU OR YOU DON;T WANT TO BE AROUND THEN IT WILL NOT HURT SO BAD . MY SISTER RAISED FOSTER CHILDREN FOR MANY YEARS.AFTER SPENDING A YR. WITH HER THEY USUALLY GO HOME TO THEIR MOTHER. AFTER A YR. THEY HAVE BECOME PART OF MY SISTER'S FAMILY,IT IS LIFE THEY ARE FAMILIAR AND COMFORTABLE WITH. THE LAST FEW WEEKS BEFORE RETURNING HOME ARE DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE. SOMETIMES THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO PUSH BUTTONS AS IF THEY WANT EVERYONE MAD AT THEM.IF THEY LEAVE ON BAD TERMS IT WON'T HURT SO MUCH OR FEEL LIKE REJECTION. MY SISTER NEVER LETS THEM LEAVE THAT WAY. SHE TELLS THEM THEY ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO VISIT, SHE WILL ALWAYS FEEL LOVE FOR THEM AND SHE KNOWS THEIR CHANGE OF ATTITUDE DURING THE LAST FEW WEEKS IS FEAR. FEAR OF CHANGE. FEAR OF LEAVING

Sorry for your loss.

As far as the kid, why doesn't he know his dad? Did your wife not want his dad to know him? I do believe that kids that are biracial have a hard enough time when they live with both parents trying to figure out where they fit in...much less when they live with just one parent. In addition, the fact that his "other family", ie. you and his sister are all white, probably don't help matters. I know you meant well, sadly, many stepparents end up in your situation with kids who resent them. At the end of the day, the best thing you can attempt to do is have a heart to heart not about drugs or what he's doing, but about him getting in touch with his dad. A boy NEEDS his bio-dad...period. I have seen it countless times. A stepdad is great, but no replacement for a bio-dad...especially for boys. And in this case, being that you and him probably have little in common, I think that is the bigger issue here.

I would really attempt to get him to meet his bio dad or at least bio-dad's family. I think that might help him not feel so left out and maybe turn him around.

Good luck.

You've basically got a kid that has committed a felony, uses drugs, failed school, threatened your daughter who lives in fear of him, lies, steals, and has expressed a desire to not live with you but wants to live with his mother's family that has dedicated their lives to undermining you and they are willing to take him. He doesn't respect you as his dad. do you realy want BD to stay around him?

If you want to fight the fight, then more power to you but to me, it'd be a no-brainer. If you can't control him and someone else wants to take him on, then I'd let them. They are family, too-it's not like you're handing him over to the state. I'm glad that confused68 got her kids in line but they were her biokids, they like their sibling, and doesn't sound like the in-laws were interfering. I doubt grandma would let SS15 sit in jail for 2 weeks. Confused needs to give her a few lessons in tough love. You've got a totally different situation and a hard choice but do what's best for your girl. Good luck with it.

I have reread this post several times. The child is a teen boy. He had a close father-son relationship with his father until it became apparrent that his mother was going to die. Children do not always have the mental maturity to act the way we adults think they should. My own children acted out,became hateful acting toward me when I started dating a year after my husband died. Is this a new situation he is dealing with? Has he assumed that because you adopted him but his mom is no longer here or part of the family unit that you would no longer want him? To some kids this would feel like rejection is lurking around the corner. So what does a child do? Either become the model "good child" and hope they are lovable enough not to get rejected or just assume that rejection is on the way so act out, say"fxxx you" and reject the other person. At least that way he can feel he made the choice first instead of waiting for it to happen to him. How many people here have raised children that never did any drugs, never got in trouble with the law,and never made threats to their younger siblings? Even those who think their kids were so perfect may be surprised years later to find out what antics the kids were involved in. I have children in their 30's who recently got together and were talking about some of the antics they got away with as teens. I was shocked to hear much of it. Yet they all turned out to be good adults.