I was a stepparent first but only for about 9mths. We moved in together when we got engaged, one week before I found out I was pregnant. That 9 mths was different, I felt like I had more patience for my ss7 then I do now. But part of that is that he acted differently, my ss7 was on his best behavior when we first moved in together. After about 6mths he started behaving worse, but I took it fine he was a child he was acting out. But after my daughter was born I was resentful that he was allowed to behave that way, that he wasn't controlled the way my daughter would be as she aged. I resented the time I had to spend correcting him when I could be spending that time with my new daughter. He is an attention hog and I wanted him to just go away sometimes. I am trying to move on from this, I am trying to make sure that this summer will go smoother. A big part of it isn't "us" (stepmoms) its not even the stepkids, we are reacting to how our significant others react, thats who we are really upset with, we want them to step up and parent there own children because now we have our own children to care for we resent the time away to do the job that our stepkids parents should be doing. Thats how I feel anyway, I also have to deal with the fact that even though this is my first child it is not my husbands. I want him to have the same flush of exitement and wonder at every new thing she does and he does appriciate it but hes seen it before and I have to accept that it will be different for him then me. When he compares my daugeter to my ss7 I want to scream, but I know that he has two children so I need to move on, explain my feelings to him and hope that he understands. I deal with all this by trying to not hide my feelings from him, I try to talk it out with him and 50% of the time it works. Counciling may be a good idea for both of you, I have been researching councilers in my area for me, and I think it will really help me. I would go to counciling it can't hurt even if it doesn't accomplish what you want it may help with something else......if it is free whats the harm?

I totally understand what you are saying! Our BS is 17 months old. I thought that after I had him that my resentment for skids might not be so bad, but in fact it made my resentment for them worse My life is so peaceful and perfect for the most part when it's just the three of us (BS1, me, DH) But it's like you said, when skids come, I think that DH feels obligated to shower them with more attention and ignore BS1 since he gets to see him all the time.

I can see major changes in SS12 over the past year, he has hit puberty, become obsessed with girls, started acting almost "gangster" just like his older brother. BM had a son when she was 16 (not with DH), he is now almost 20, and has been arrested for stealing, drugs, almost died of a drug overdose last year and probably a plethera of things that I don't even know about. I promise it's only a matter of time before SS12 starts doing the same stupid things that his older brother did because it's so obvious that he tries to be just like him. I DO NOT WANT MY BS TO LOOK TO SS AS A ROLE MODEL... EVERRRR!!! But how can I possibly expect to "shield" BS from his own brother?? It is very frustrating!

I also find myself getting frustrated when skids are there because it's almost like the family gets "split" into DH and skids and me and BS.

I don't know if I have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know I totally know where your're coming from. I too am going to start counseling in the next month, because my resentment of skids has grown to epic proportions and I don't like myself for it.

I was with my DH 4 years before our BS now 20 months was born. You know how stepfamily "experts" claim it takes 7 years for a stepfamily to bond..I can't see at this point being true in our case. For me, it feels like every year my two ss's grow more and more distant though it could also be their ages 10 and 12 so I'm not sure. I do know that it started out so great and I had such high hopes. We have them full time where they visit mom every other weekend and the majority of the summer. I had begun disengaging in alot of ways while I was pregnant because their mom made them feel so guilty for anything to do with me..if I bought them something they really wanted they would come back from moms and never touch the thing again etc etc, clothes..same thing.. So it actually felt good when I disengaged because I let go of alot of resentment....Flash forward to now (7 months pg with bs#2) and I've asked DH to go to counseling as I am experiencing the same anxiety of the effects of SS behavior on our BS's behavior. It was so much easier before my own children were born because if I disagreed with DH about parenting/discipline etc I could just say not my kids,not my problem..but now I worry about the double standard that may be in our house with SS's being able to get way and behave in ways that I would never allow my children to...I mean for the most part my SS's are very good with our BS and I AM very appreciative of that but its so hard now and I find myself re-engaging because I know my BS's will look up to SS's and in some wierd way what bothers me the most is that through them psycho ex will indirectly have an effect on BS's upbringing AND THIS IS THE FACT THAT KEEPS ME UP SOME NIGHTS!!!
I also feel like Daisy alot of the time where its DH and ss's and me and bs's like we are supposed to be one family but its split as DH is constantly gone with SS's to various activities...
I think you should have DH go to counseling with you as me and DH just started a month ago. I can totally relate to how you are feeling as I am really struggling with these feelings/issues also...you are not alone!

I was a bio parent first, but I am going to step in here about not looking up to the steps as role models. Our kids are dd13, ds12, and dd9-the oldest two are mine and their father is deceased-dh is basically their father and dd9 is ours together. SS is 13 as well. SS is an asshole. Really. He has anger control issues, is oppositional and defiant, deliberately annoys other, talks down to people, screams at them. Daily. Not just every once ina while. He's been this way since he's been about 6. I was afraid that the other kids would look at him and start mimicking that behavior and thank goodness that hasnt happened. What has happened is just the opposite. They think he's a loser and dont want to be anything like him! I admit I have done my best to minimize time especially over the last several years. I encourage my oldest two to stay with friends as much as possible during his time here. My youngest I keep close by my side while ss is stuck up dh's butt. My dd, when she doesnt go somewhere stays in her room away from him and my son's best friend lives next door so he's just there all the time. When this doesnt work I will take whichever of my kids that are here and declare that I need a hmo and ds day or hmo and girls day and just leave. I have also encouraged dh to take ss and do a one on one day.

.... Is there any positive stories out there?! :? We are going to start TTC at the end of this year so this is a question I also have!