I'm a mom! Updates on becoming a BM, skids meeting little brother, dealing with BM, etc.
I had my baby boy on February 26th and haven't found a chance to blog on here yet! 
I'm totally in mommy-mode so I'm going to try to remember all the things I mentally tucked away in the past few weeks, waiting for my opportunity to vent to all of you about them. Sorry that this is really long, but please read and give me some advice for the issues near the end!
The day after having the baby, we were arranging it with BM to have the skids come to the hospital to meet him. Then BM texted FDH and asked if she could come up to see him too! I told him, "No, she will have a chance to meet him some other time, I don't feel like she NEEDS to come to the hospital to see him. She's not my friend or family." So, FDH texted her and told her, "Another time would probably be better." and she wrote back, "Oh fine whatever I thought I could meet him." So that irked me quite a bit...like she just HAD to come to the hospital? Like she's so important she couldn't wait until a drop off later that week to meet him??
We ended up not being able to let even the skids come to visit because the hospital was banning kids under 12 to the OB ward because of so many viruses going around. It was a bummer that the skids couldn't come but it was also a bit of a relief not to worry about BM barging in.
So we were scheduled to take him home on a Monday afternoon. BM asked FDH if we could take the skids that same night so that she could go to a friend's birthday party!!! WHAT!? FDH said no, that we were going to be adjusting to our first night home with baby.
Then BM told FDH that he had agreed a "long time ago" to take the skids on Tuesday night (not our scheduled night either). I told FDH I can't see why he would have said that to her because my due date was that same day...but whatever. He couldn't remember discussing it with her or not so he gave her the benefit of the doubt and we also wanted the skids to meet their little brother so we agreed to take them. HOWEVER, on Tuesday morning BM called us and said that she woke up to find SS3 sleeping in his own vomit and diarrhea. She said that since she knew we both had the "day off" could we take him for the day? Uhhh, we have a FREAKING NEWBORN in the house and you can't take PTO to watch your sick kid?? FDH told her no way.
Finally the next day, SS3 was feeling better and it was our normal scheduled night to take the skids. The skids meeting their little brother went well - we were really excited about it all at first. SS3 went and grabbed a bunch of books to "read" to him and SD5 started singing songs to him. It was so cute! We were really glad with how it went and felt like the skids were going to be really involved and enjoy having a little brother.
Then the first weekend came, and my mom and sister came to visit. BM was going to drop off SS3 at our house and she told FDH she wanted to meet the little one. We figured she'd just come in, drop off SS3, ogle our baby for a minute and realize that my family was there and feel awkward, and leave. NOPE! She wanted to hold him, then she stood there in our entryway and rocked him for 20 MINUTES! It was the most awkward 20 minutes EVER. My mom and sister couldn't believe it! And all she really said was "Oh he's sooo tiny!!" She didn't ask any questions about how it went or talk to me at all, oh but of course she had to say that if he's FDH's son he'll be a "big eater" and probably be "chunky". (BM always has to dig into FDH that he's gained a little weight in the last year). It was sooo bizarre.
After about the 3rd time with the skids being here with the baby, they started complaining about things. SS3 plugged his ears and cried, "He cries too loud! My ears hurt!" FDH kind of reprimanded him and told him that there's no way the newborn's cry makes his ears hurt...that HE cries louder than that, that his sister talks louder than that, etc. Maybe not hte right way to handle it but his points were totally true! Plus, this baby is not a fussy baby at all and hardly cries. When he does, it's only for a minute until his need is met.
Then the skids were crying because "the baby gets to stay up later than us!". We had to explain that the baby sleeps for two hours at a time and wakes up to eat, and he does that all day and night so his schedule is different than theirs right now. They still didn't get it and have complained every night since then that he gets to be awake at night while they're sleeping. Haha! Oh kids...not sure how to explain it better.
A few nights ago, we put the skids to bed and could hear them talking non stop. They were told to go to sleep. A few minutes later, the baby started to cry. I was getting ready to feed him, and SS3 comes upstairs and says he can't sleep because the baby is crying. I said, "You can't sleep because you're too busy talking -- go back to bed." The next night, we get a text from BM: "So the baby has been keeping the kids awake?" FDH said, "No, they tried using it as an excuse not to go to bed last night, because the baby cried for 1 minute while SteppingUp got the bottle ready." and BM said, "Oh lol, I thought maybe baby was being naughty." Whatever! He's 2 weeks old!
Last night, BM texts FDH. She says, "What is going on with the kids and baby?" FDH calls her and says he has no clue what she's talking about. The kids are in the background crying. BM said that they don't wanna come to our house with teh baby here. What the heck? We were so confident that it was going pretty well...and now I feel like it's all down the drain. I know it's normal kid behavior in this situation but I'm really disappointed about it.
The funny part is that they've gotten TONS of attention since the baby's been around. When my family was visiting, my sister (who's a kindergarten teacher) played with them a ton, brought them a bunch of new books which we've been reading. Also, FDH's mom was with us for a week and each night we had the skids, she had a ton of activities for them to do. FDH himself has been giving them a ton of attention.
So last night I was pretty bummed about it and determined that the real issue is probably that MY attention is going towards the baby, and they see that and are upset by it. I guess I need to do a better job making them feel included and loved... 
We want to give them a pep talk tonight but I don't want it to be a mean talk. I want to talk to them about their feelings, tell them its ok to have certain feelings and that we're all changing...I just don't know how to word all of this to a 3 and 5 year old. I also feel like BM is playing into all this and not helping the situation.
Any advice?
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Comments
First off....
First off.... CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Secondly, the ex wanting (basically demanding) to 'meet' new baby.... Ewwwwwwwwww. WTF is wrong with her. She is not your friend or family. She is nothing to you. You 'see' her kids b/c you are married to your DH. She has no need to see your newborn.
Lastly, I don't have a whole lot of advice but, her insistence that the skids be allowed to come while ill is ridiculous and shows her desire to make her kids more important than YOUR child. BS. Don't let her play that game. You do what is in your newborns best interest...always!
If the skids don't want to come right now.... good. More bonding time with new baby. DH can pick them up and take them to a movie or the park for now.
Stop taking on the blame as to why they don't want to be at your house. You need to take care of the littlest one and this means putting your sons needs first. At least for now.
Again.... CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
firstly,
firstly, congratulations!!!!!! How exciting and wonderful for you!!!!!!!
Secondly, ooooooo myyyyyyy gooooooood! BM touched your baby? WEIRD!!!!! How awkward. sorry.
BM does sound like she is playing in to it. Why is she txting to ask about the baby. None of her business. Sorry I don't have advice about reassuring the skids. I'm honestly selfish and wouldn't care. Its really good that you are working so hard with them and trying to not make them feel left out. They are so little.
He reeked of her perfume and
He reeked of her perfume and I had to bathe him that night
Yes my advice is that you
Yes my advice is that you take care of your baby and you can still give attention to the skids but I am sure when SS was born that SD did not like it either. So the skids no matter what need to still come when they are supposed to and they need to learn that babies take up all the attention in the beginning just like they did when they were born. Isn't funny how when BM had her first baby she did not have some psycho asshole come and hold sd for 20 minutes - you are too nice - when I had DD5 we went home to visit family when she was 6 weeks and we dropped SS off with his mother - the closest she got to my baby was I opened the window of the car and she could look in - and then I closed that window real fast - BM also sent a gift which pissed me off - we are not friends I don't need her presents and she was pissed that I was pregnant anyway saying that her son better not be neglected because we had to have a baby - bitch!!
You need to let the skids that you are there for them but they also need to learn that they are the big sister and brother and need to protect and love their little brother and that he needs special attention for a little while. I would also have FDH share some stories about how sd was jealous when SS was born and stories about how when they were little how he took such good care of them and that they needed attention too.
PS - try to keep that skanky BM out of your house and baby's life - when I gave birth to my DD - BM wanted to fly out for that specific weekend - I had a planned C-Section - and I told DH that under no circumstance would she be allowed to be in the same state as me. I even sent her a letter stating that any weekend before that weekend was fine and that I was sure she knew from having SS how crazy life is with a newborn and how you can't possibly entertain guests when you just had a baby - (she wanted us to put her up for the weekend as well and since I would be in the hospital she wanted DH to drive to the airport to pick her up and use my car while she was in town. I was like HELL to the NO. And lucky for DH he agreed and told her no.
PS - Congrats on the new
PS - Congrats on the new baby!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Yep if I
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Yep if I were of child bearing age and had a baby with "Godsgift" I would NEVER allow the Behemoth to go within 50 feet of him/her. UGH!! How AWKWARD!!
If your BM is like the Behemoth, she was probably casting spells on the baby!!
congrats! don't be
congrats!
don't be discouraged with the kids not wanting to be there because of the baby, they can get over it, that's a package deal
CONGRATS!! No advice coming
CONGRATS!!
No advice coming from me, except next time BM tries to TOUCH your baby, I would TACKLE the bitch!
Congrats! As for the
Congrats! As for the kiddo's, i would ignore pouting, be kind, and act like normal. I am the oldest of six and every time a baby was born i made a huge stink. When the youngest was born (i was 9) i was really excited at first and as soon as he came home i cried and cried that I hated hated hated him and i wanted him to go away. lol... a month later it was like it never happened and he's the one im closest to now, 14 years later. Just give it time.
Congratulations. it is very
Congratulations.
it is very common for older siblings to resent the younger infant who is getting 'all the attention' and as they have another parent who will play along they are milking it for all they are worth.
My response to their "The baby stays up later than us..." grizzlefest would be to tell them "OK, the next time you are over you will have the same schedule as baby. When he is asleep you 2 are in bed asleep. And when he wakes up at 3 in the morning I am waking you up too and you can't go back to sleep until he sleeps. And you can only have milk to drink. No snacks, no TV because baby doesn't eat snacks or watch TV. I think that sounds VERY fair."
I would not have had the V & D kid in my house for 48 hrs after the episode. Or if he was over he would be kept away from the baby.
That being said, you will not be able to prevent him from getting any germs and to get exposed to SOME germs will help build his immune system. But V & D? No way!
Just take a chill pill and let your DH organise his kids. I am sure you love them for themselves and all they need is reassurance that you still care about them ..."You know what I like about you the best? You can dress yourself/ read on your own/ are kind to the cat." Stuff the baby doesn't do right now.
Because sure as eggs the BM is feeding into the victimhood.
Congrats!!!!! I've been
Congrats!!!!! I've been wondering how you and baby were doing! Your BM is a freak... I can't believe she asked to see the baby in the hospital! I made it clear that under no circumstances were either of my BM's to ever get within a 10 mile radius of my BS, then found out later that MIL let BM#2 hold him (MIL is my daycare provider and was using BM#2 as a maid to clean her parent's house so that's how they happened to be in the same vicinity) I flipped out and about left my poor DH over it when I found out. Anyway, I digress....
As far as the skids, I would try not to make a huge deal about it, certainly don't let them know that you are worried about them feeling left out, because at those ages, I think they will play on that. I would just be matter of fact, "Just wanted you guys to know that babies are alot of work and need pretty much constant attention, so we're going to need you guys to be helpers and to be understanding. You also need to be good role models for baby, so try to be on your best behavior!"
Of course all your efforts will probably be thwarted since freak show BM will be telling them the exact opposite.
BM did something similar to
BM did something similar to us last year, but it wasn't my baby. It was my sweet little niece. We were babysitting for the night and went to SS's baseball game. I went to get a drink at the consession stand and left DH holding sweet niece. When I came back, his exwife was holding sweet niece. I had to really rein it in to keep from snatching that sweet baby away from her. Did DH not know that her evilness could harm that sweet baby?!?! DH felt the heat from my OBVIOUS dis-satisfaction and made some excuse to take the baby back!!!
I felt like I needed to take the baby home immediately and give her a bath. I was just disgusted that someone so hateful had even touched someone so beautiful!!!
I'm not even sure if I care
I'm not even sure if I care to be pc about it. You are not part of my family, no you can't see MY baby much less hold it. What a strange BM
Love all the comments! Thank
Love all the comments! Thank you all for your congrats and the bits and pieces of advice. I know...I should atleast be offered a trophy of sainthood for allowing BM to hold my son, right? }:)
I just wanted to share what happened last night when I picked up the skids from daycare. I ran inside daycare's house, leaving my little guy in the carseat because he was sound asleep. Skids were all smiles to see me. Then I said, "Hurry up! Baby is in the car waiting for us!" and the skids immediately got excited and were asking if they "get" to sit by him, if they get to help with a bath again tonight, etc. They were super pumped to come home and sing to him again!! Talk about a sigh of relief!
So basically I have come to the conclusion that I don't truly believe that BM is trying to purposefully cause trouble, she's just too stupid to realize what's best for her kids. She probably feeds into their fears that they DO have (but seem to be minimal) and I'm sure she is coaxing them to feel a certain way. I'm sure in their little skid minds they are thinking, "Ohh, maybe I SHOULD feel bad that we have a new baby brother at daddys??? If mommy says so..."
I'm sure BM said, "So, does the baby keep you awake all night with its crying?" or "Are you sad that you don't get alot of attention now at daddy's?" Which are probably things they arent' even thinking but then when she puts the idea into their heads, and will in turn give them attention and sympathy, they will of course play her to get attentive loving care from her. I'm sure she's playing the victim and enabling them to do the same.
Atleast we know that they don't TRULY seem to have issues. FDH is going to talk with BM again about being careful about how she words things to them -- that she's creating issues where there are none (or very little).