Friends:

I don't know much but please don't make the same mistakes we did in the interest of "taking the high road."

When BM abandoned skids for a year to become a professional crack whore we told the skids "your mother loves you very much but she can't be with you right now." When she went to jail for being a crack whore we told them "YAY! Your mom is in the jail but now she'll be able to get help and see you guys more because she loves you guys so much." After she got out of jail but would continue to ditch them so she could be with her boyfriend we said "I don't know where your mom is right now but I do know how much she loves you." When she wouldn't do a visitation because her leg hurt (?) we said "your mom's not feeling well right now but it just makes her heartbroken to not see you guys." You get the picture, right?

Even though she was a convicted felon doing crack and skipping most visitations we still had nothing but nice things to say about her. I believe I might have actually bitten my tongue in half so that I wouldn't tell the skids what I really felt.

Result? Oldest SS(14) came back from supervised visitation calling his father trash, dirt, saying he was no longer his father, he f'in hates his guts, etc. His mother (who buys him cigarettes btw) is his only REAL parent. He says he will do whatever it takes to get out of our house (b/c we have full custody and have rules like going to school and doing homework) and now we are worried about our safety and the safety of the other children in the home. SS tells DH he is a POS b/c 11 years ago when he was married to crack whore they were in an argument and she tried to prevent him from leaving the house and he pushed her. No injury, no phone call to police, just a minor shove so he could leave. Now, I'm not condoning what he did and he feels awful that it ever happened and will punish himself for that til the day he dies.

So to all of you who believe in taking the high road...I really wish we had been a little less high road-y. Maybe if we had been more honest about the facts this boy wouldn't see his drug-addled BM as the second coming of Mother Theresa. Maybe we should have said: Your mother ditching you is completely unacceptable. Your mother's poor choices are going to cause her to face severe consequences. I'm sorry your mom has a hurt leg but when we're sick or in pain we still parent you.

We took the high road and this is the result. Wish I'd read Divorce Poison 10 years ago...