Does he really not get it or is it just me?
I don't get a chance to blog much, but i am really irked right now.
In the past we had issues with my BF's conflict-avoidance personality. This included not being able to say no to BM - not that she was a huge issue - just a little insecure with another woman being in her kids life. Understandable. But this caused me to be excluded from *family* things. BF could not tell BM no & it was easier to hurt me vs causing conflict with BM - plus it was what was best for the kids - right? Haha -Don't get me started! BF would also talk to BM all the time, talk about her often, go to her for things - like they were BFF's. When we had met - they had been divorced about 3 yrs, but after moving in together -- it seemed like it just happened. There were also pretty much no boundaries!
I put my foot & i put it down pretty hard! I actually had most of me out the door. That was 1.5 yrs ago. I gave him the option: continue your path to have a "relationship" with BM - you will lose me OR you can take a different path and i will continue to stay in your life. He has done pretty good & tried. With little slip ups - i am still here.
Last week one day i was home with my sick BD11 - she didn't do school or soccer. SS15 had a game. BF asked if BD & I were going and i said no - BD is sick. After SS15's game i get a text. BM, exMIL, the skids & i are all going out to dinner - i would like you to join us. I text back. -Nice. Have fun!. Seriously? He knew i wouldn't go. So he text a bit later: SD12 invited them. -- I didn't text back. When BF got home we talked. He said that SD12 just invited them & he couldn't think up an excuse. I said - how about No? He pretty much said he couldn't tell SD12 no & how would it come across that they all can't have dinner together. I told him how it made me feel & he was surprised that i felt disrespected.
Another talk this weekend. I asked BF if he knew when making the choice he did that i would be uncomfortable with it. w/o hesitation he said yes. So talking further he doesn't see it as a big deal because 1. He hasn't done something like this in a while. 2. He wants the kids to know he & BM have a good relationship (they get along just fine) & 3. He doesn't think of the 4 of them as a "family" anymore.
I feel pretty ticked - like this stuff will never end! He doesn't get why i am upset? I absolutely do not believe they want to be together in any way (BM has a long term BF living with her) & she doesn't try to cause problems, but these are boundary issues for me & my feelings that apparently don't matter. We talk about this stuff about every 3 months. UGH!!!
Am i off my rocker here or what? Thanks in advance for your response!
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Um.. he doesn't get it. If
Um.. he doesn't get it. If your BD wasn't sick and y'all could have all gone together, it probably wouldn't have been a big deal.. just 2 families eating dinner together. He knew you couldn't go, and he shouldn't have even asked. He should have just said 'SD, I'm sorry. I can't go this time, but maybe next time.'.. End of story. Obviously, he doesn't get it.
Yikes. No, he does not get
Yikes. No, he does not get it..either that or just does not care.
I don't think your DH should be having dinner with his ex-for the kids or not.- If he was single, it wouldn't be an issue. But when you're in a relationship, it's just plain rude and disrespectful to your partner; Especially since he knew you would be uncomfortable with it.
What's wrong with telling a child no? It's simple. "No, not this time." End of discussion.
He says that he wants the kids to know that their parents get a long. Understandable. But, there is no need to go have dinner together to prove something to a child. The child can see when his/her parents are getting along just fine.
He's sending the wrong
He's sending the wrong messages to his kids- mixed messages. How do his kids treat you, btw? I know other posters say he doesn't 'get it', but I believe he does 'get it'. His comment that "he hasn't done something like this in a while" shows that he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong, yet still does it. He figures he can get away with it as long as he only does it now and then to not make you mad. Also, the fact that you have to have these talks with him every 3 months shows that he obviously doesn't respect your feelings and you. You have to decide if you want to keep having these talks with him every few months or make good on your ultimatum of leaving if things don't change. Sounds to me things haven't changed and he knows you won't leave. He knows you won't do anything and that's why he continues to do what he wants b
Yeah.. you're right. He does
Yeah.. you're right. He does 'get it'.. I just don't think he gets how much it really hurts her feelings, or how destructive it is to their relationship.
I think he just gave in to SD
I think he just gave in to SD at the expense of you. Sorry. I would have been mad too.
Tx mommy of 3 ...... It's
Tx mommy of 3 ......
It's funny you say he will continue to do these things knowing i won't leave. He was already told i would not tolerate this. He has been good for a long time & one of the things i said to him last weekend was that he just proved to me that he will continue to do these things through out our relationship ... the things that he wasn't doing anymore knowing that i would leave. I told him that i am done. I am emotionally exhausted. I told him if he wants to have a "relationship" with BM then he can do it with out me. Co-parenting is what it is & things outside of that (like dinner) are not necessary. They get along just fine in front of the kids at drop off/pick ups, sport activities, etc.
I used to get along great with the skids. Still do & they listen to me, but there is clearly a distance between us due to the excluding of me from "family" things. I do also have an issue with SS15 as he has stolen my underwear & gone thru my personal things at least 3 times in less than a year. That really irks me. He was not punished or told to apologize to me.
The other dynamics here that aren't directly related, but are the same aspect are telling me things last minute in re to the skids staying with us & that i am the one to drive them in the morning (BM being out of town for work) or just saying yes to skids w/o talking to me first when they are supposed to be with BM. Those things also make me feel like i am just here -- there have been many talks with that also.
The hard part - he is really sweet & loving to me. He does really try & has gotten better, but i guess it's just not good enough for me. The funny part - i actually have no issues with BM anymore.
"I asked BF if he knew when
"I asked BF if he knew when making the choice he did that i would be uncomfortable with it. w/o hesitation he said yes".
Clearly he knew what he was doing and clearly he is the type of guy that would rather ask for foregiveness rather than permission.
I think the bigger issue here is not his relationship or lack of with his x, but more his blatant disrespect of you. He said he knew you wouldn't like it. I'm of the belief that if a person in a relationship is going to do something, whether it be with his kids, with another woman or even his friends, the test of whether they should do it or not is to think of how it would make their partner feel. If they're that obtuse that they can't figure out how their partner would feel, they should put the shoe on the other foot and think of how they would feel in the exact same situation. More likely than not, they will not do it.
"I think the bigger issue
"I think the bigger issue here is not his relationship or lack of with his x, but more his blatant disrespect of you."
YES!!! And he so doesn't get it? I don't get how he doesn't get it?
When he says he is doing it to show he & BM have a good relationship ... to me it's like he is more worried about how his relationship with BM is more than ours. To the skids, to my BD & anyone around us. It's like i am not important & that everyone see's i am not important here. BF's parent though -- they LOVE me. They know i treat their son good & say i am their DIL when BF & i aren't even close to marriage. They also include my BD in everything as if she is their grandkid too!
My DH has done stupid minor
My DH has done stupid minor things in the past that made me feel like you did. The one that comes to my mind is I got a new treadmill last year and we put the old one (that still worked) in the garage and I figured DH would just find someone who wanted to buy it or whatever. So a month or so later, I remembered that it was still out there and said "Is the treadmill still in the gargae?" He said "Oh no, remember I told you?, I gave it to BM, she was looking for one." Oh hell to the no, I DON'T REMEMBER, because you NEVER told me that, because you KNEW that I would flip the hell out. WHY THE F DO YOU DO FAVORS FOR THIS WOMAN THAT YOU SUPPOSEDLY HATE?? (trust me we have had this conversation before when he does stupid shit like this)
DH told me he thought he told me,and that it was no big deal, the stupid thing didn't work that great anyway (which is true) and it saved him paying the fee to take it to the dump (which is true).. so he asked BM if she wanted it, she said yes and he took it and her BF and he got it on the elevator, end of story.
My point is that BM didn't know the thing didn't work that well, she didn't know that it was saving him the dump fee, to her it looks like DH doing her a favor. And in his mind it was more important to him to give her this stupid treadmill when he KNEW I would get mad, than to worry about me getting upset. THIS is the crap that I hate! So I totally feel for you!
Thanks for all the
Thanks for all the responses!!
I think i am done. I need to jump off this blended boat.