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I think I am going to lose it!

stepmomNM's picture

Submitted by stepmomNM on Wed, 04/06/2011 - 4:42pm

This is my first blog...Probably the first of many, now that I have found this site. I am the divorced mother of 3 grown children. I have been married for 2 years to my DH who has his 3 boys FULL TIME. The BM has visitation but has been in and out of rehab so much that she has not spent very much time with them. When I first met my husband he was struggling to care for these boys. He was working full time and trying to run the household alone. I was crazy about him and wanted to help so I jumped in head first. It actually went really well at first. The kids were "fun" to be around they were at that time going to their BM every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer. I guess it was much easier when I had those breaks. I looked forward to them. Fast forward 2 years. I think these boys truly hate me. They are rude, disrespectful, and down right mean sometimes. I am sorry I am in this situation now. I live 1700 miles from my bio kids and grandbaby who I miss terribly to live here with these monsters! What the hell was I thinking??? The oldest boy who is 13 recently told his father he hopes I die in a car crash and that he was making plans to "get rid of me" I feel like an outsider in my own home. I wanted us to be a family, I dont feel like I am apart of this family. My DH over compensates for his ex's behavior. Constantly trying to make up for what a loser she is. He feels bad so he lets them get away with being lazy rude and disrespectful not only to me but himself. I am afaid what will happen when the younger ones 9 and 10 get older.....My DH expects me to act like their Mom. But how can I??? Am I asking to much? They don't even answer me when I ask ask them a question. They ignore me or answer rudely. But expect me to do all the motherly things for them??? When I try to talk to my DH he says I am to sensitive. I told him to open his eyes! Later that day the 9 year old came to me and said "my Dad said we have to call you Mom" OMG! That is not the answer!!!

Comments

Anywho78's picture

Submitted by Anywho78 on Wed, 04/06/2011 - 4:55pm

I'm sorry you're going through this!

My FDH used to expect me to act as MOM and I really did do my best...however, a as a mom I would NEVER allow my children to treat me or anyone else with disrespect and have other things that I find unacceptable as well.

I explained to him that while I love the skids, everytime I did nothing to stop behavior I wouldn't allow in my own children due to the fact that they aren't mine, it is a big fat reminder that I'm a SM and only a SM...nothing more.

It took awhile, but he has seen the "light" & has taken down the list of what I'm not allowed to do. He has started backing me up & we are finally working together. Only took 2 years Smile

Have you thought of family counselling? I know SS8 takes it out on me when he's angry with his BM as she's not around.

stepmomNM's picture

Submitted by stepmomNM on Wed, 04/06/2011 - 5:05pm

Whenever I try to tell him what I did with my children he says: I know your children "are perfect" But mine aren't. I HATE THAT! I have asked my husband about family counseling. He said he does not want a record of our problems for his ex to get hold of. The boys are in counseling already but I am not aloud to participate!

Eagle Eye's picture

Submitted by Eagle Eye on Wed, 04/06/2011 - 5:16pm

STOP doing all the "motherly" things for those kids!! You can drive them to school, pick them up, cook what YOU like but really stop doing things for them! It isn't fair that they are allowed to treat you badly and then still expect you to do for them!!

I no longer tell my DH what I did or didn't do for my kids because there is no comparison and it only makes him defensive! He knows his kid is a screw up!!

My ex has been in and out of my BD life since the day she was born. It sucks for sure BUT I do not use that as any reason to spoil her. It is what it is and I can't change that so I will raise my daughter as I see fit!! These dumb excuses that guilty daddy's give are a bunch of crap!! My daughter is from divorce and doing wonderful! SS is from divorce and being catered to and is failing school as well as life!

I have disengaged from my SS13 because he too ignores me and was being disrespectful!! I do drive him to school and I do cook dinner for the family but I do not do anything beyond that. My DH understands why at this point but he does not like it!! He gets along with my daughter because she shows respect and has a relationship with him. He still gets upset because I do not have that same relationship with SS but it is what it is!! I cannot change that as I have tried in the past!

Good luck to you! I hope you learn to disengage a little bit at least for your own insanity!! Go visit your grandchild as often as you can!! Wink

stepmomNM's picture

Submitted by stepmomNM on Mon, 04/11/2011 - 3:32pm

What do you think??
I barely talk to ss13 unless nessecary. He is a rude little jerk...so I just pretend he does not exsist as much as possible. He only talks to me when he wants something of mine. He asked to borrow my web cam which I hide from him him cuz he does not take care of his own stuff let alone anyone else's. I told him no, cuz he wants to hook it up to his game system and use it as a microphone, He broke his headset, I don't want him to break my web cam. I use it to skype my family in another state. It's the only way to see my grandbaby. He got pissed at me as usual cuz he can't have his way. Later that night we were watching TV and a commercial came on for The show THE GOOD WIFE. He said " Hey Dad look The good wife" He has never watched that... I asked DH what in the hell is that supposed to mean???? DH asked him what did he mean and he just went in his room. That was the end of it...My husband said he was just mentioning the show. I say BULLSHIT!!! I can't frickin stand that creep!