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Another day in paradise...or maybe not!

crazylifepartyof6's picture

Submitted by crazylifepartyof6 on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 11:27am

Hello everyone, I am new here and was looking for a place where I could share with others in similar situations, lord knows being a step parent can be rather challenging!

So my situation is long, I will try and give the reader's digest version, and answer additional questions as thy come up. My husband and I ( I have to BC and he has 2) are currently taking the BM to court. She has taken a job out of state, and is going to be gone all week, but yet she doesn't want to give up primary custody, or pay support or anything. Currently no one pays support, because over nights and incomes are equal, and she has only been working weekends, so there has been no childcare. All of that will be changing, and she will be more than doubling my husband's income, but thinks we should pay for everything because her boyfriend (who she had a child with, and ultimately ended her marriage she had with my husband) wants to quit work and go back to school, and she will have to pay his support for his kids, therefore, we should pay everything for ours! It is much more complicated than this, but that is the just of it. Oh, and papers she filed with the courts in conjuction with our filings indicate that all of this "is becuase of his new wife" Um no, it is because you are abdoning your kids!!

The other side of this is that my husband is very non-confrontational, and is having a hard time with this. And he is angry and frustrated, and takes it all out on me, while being nice, etc. to her when he sees her or talks to her!! What do I do about that??

The other element is the BM tells my step kids that they are better than my BC, and so when they come over, they lie, and can be mean to my kids (sk are 9 and 7, BC are 9 and 3) and thik special rules should be made for them because they are so much better. They go on all these lavish trips with their BM, and then rub it in to my kids when they are with us. And my husband doesn't seem to care!

Please help, I am afraid I am unjustified in being upset, or that I am doing something wrong, or just losing my mind.

Comments

MommaXs2's picture

Submitted by MommaXs2 on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 1:30pm

You are no unjustified. When they are in YOUR home they are equal with YOUR children. End of story. Sometimes it's all about money for people and that's what it sounds like here. My question is why would she be responsible for his CS...maybe that state has a different law, but I know where I live the spouse's or SO's income CANNOT be touched for CS. It's completely off limits and based only on the BF or BM.

crazylifepartyof6's picture

Submitted by crazylifepartyof6 on Thu, 03/24/2011 - 9:28am

@mommaxs2: She does not have to pay his CS at all...but she struck a deal with him..if she can go work her new job out of state for teh summer, and not have to take care of the child she had with the boyfriend..then in turn, she will let boyfriend quit job after summer and she will support him. Nice huh? And she thiks we should feel sorry for her and drop our lawsuit!! Am I crazy..but why would I care about her boyfriend's kids??

MommaXs2's picture

Submitted by MommaXs2 on Fri, 03/25/2011 - 1:13am

Wow...never in a million years would I willingly pay for DH's CS. SD12 lives with us now, but for 4 years I have made sure that my income cannot for any reason be touched......*geez*

crazylifepartyof6's picture

Submitted by crazylifepartyof6 on Wed, 03/30/2011 - 7:26am

I know..it is crazy. I am assuming BM and BF have a deal..he watches their baby (the baby she had that ended her marriage with my husband) for the summer so she can work at her new job out of state, adn the trade off is he can stop working and go to school,and she will pay his CS. The whole thing is f*'d up if you ask me..and incredibly frustrating!!

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Wed, 03/23/2011 - 1:38pm

WELCOME!

And here's your problem:

And my husband doesn't seem to care!

He's "going with the flow" to please the one who squawks the most. In this case the BM.

And he is angry and frustrated, and takes it all out on me, while being nice, etc. to her when he sees her or talks to her!!

This is classic guilty daddy behaviour. If you can don't be a sounding wall and start disengaging. Calmly say "I'm sorry you are misplacing your anger toward me when it should be directed toward the BM"

And let him squawk but pay no attention. You must start to stand up for yourself and your bios.

Coming up next. . . tjsmom's DH starts to pick on HER bios, holding them to a so high it's nonexistent standard, while letting his rugrats do whatever they want.

Sad to say this type of relationship is a dead end. If he doesn't see you as an equal partner in matters of his previously enjoyed family, then bail NOW!

crazylifepartyof6's picture

Submitted by crazylifepartyof6 on Thu, 03/24/2011 - 9:32am

@auteur:

Wow, your points hit home. He was very bad about holding my kids to a different standard and expectations than his own. Especially his daughter...the 7 almost 8 year old. She had all the advantages of the 9 year olds..but none of the responsibilities and I put a stop to that real quick. It has been a work in progress..He is working towards it..and recognizes the problem..finally! He even started noticing that his kids were lieing about my bios..just to get them in trouble..in fact my ss did it 3 times in one day last weeked, but DH was on top of it and squashed it. Even talked to my BD about it after. So he is making progress..I just need to figure out how to not lose it in the process. Thanks for the advice about how to handle it when he takes things out on me!! I feel much better knowing that I am not losing it, and that others can relate to this!!