"You can't ban my daughter from our home"

Like hell I can't.Dh and I fought all weekend.He went from being understanding to being like the rest of the men being complained about on this site.When he realized I was serious about never letting sd in our home again it turned ugly.He told me it isn't fair of me to have him choose between his daugher and me.I told him he doesn't have to choose and he can visit her outside of our house.He told me i was being ridiculous and overreacting over an unfinished piece of clay.At that point I told him it's obvious he doesn't respect me and he doesn't respect my work either.He tried to deny it of course and then went on a rant about my cursing at his little girl and how even though I was upset it was totally unacceptable behavior.I don't even know who this man is.He isn't my husband that's for sure.I told him I can't be married to someone who isn't willing to correct these issues.I told him that he doesn't even believe it was an accident but now i'm being punished because he feels guilty over his little baby girl.The fight ended with me pretty much telling him he needs to start apartment searching because that darling slice of hell he calls a daughter is never allowed in my house again.Heavy emphasis on the MY house because yeah baby it is MY house.Dhs name isn't on it and I owned it before he walked into my life.And for everyone who tells me that i need to try to work it out or go to therapy i'm sorry but bite me.This incident is the last of many injustices i have suffered in this marriage.I love my husband more than anything but no man is worth this heartache and stress.I'd rather be divorced and date him than deal with this.This was the final straw for me.

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It isn't worth my effort I

It isn't worth my effort I want to be done with this.I spent my whole weekend sobbing and fighting.This will be the last time I feel like this over this child her mother and this man.I've started the list of what he can take when he goes.I know he won't try to fight me because he knows he came to me with NOTHING and he should be leaving with nothing but I'm not going to be hateful like that.I don't want to fight anymore I just want him and his spawn out of my life.Amazing how an entire marriage can be destroyed in a matter of days.There are things that I am willing to put up with for love and this goes above and beyond what I'm willing to put up with.Sometimes you have to suck it up and draw the line.If he stays then he'll resent me for not allowing sd around our house.if he goes I will mourn the death of my marriage but I will recover.

I'm sure many of us have felt

I'm sure many of us have felt the way you've been feeling at least a handful of times but you say you're amazed an entire marriage can be destroyed in a matter of days but we all know you've OBVIOUSLY been dealing with this for a lot longer than just these past few days. It's been clear you've been at the end of your rope for awhile (and for good reason). Don't feel bad for finally putting your foot down. You also mention that if he stays he'll resent you for not allowing your SD around your house but its time to think about you. You resent him for putting her before you and your marriage.If he would have stood with you as a united front it wouldn't have come to this. This divide and conquere crap is what seems to be tearing so many of the relationships on here apart. It would be different if you were asking him to not have a relationship with her but asking for her to not be at your house is certainly not unreasonable, especially given the circumstances.

I'm sure many of us have felt

((hugs)) I agree with A.

((hugs)) I agree with A. Deville. Blood is always thicker than water with these guys. They will NEVER establish a proper, traditional parent/child boundary.

It's soooo not worth it!!

At least he doesn't sounds like Godsgift though; even though the house is in my name, GG thinks it's his too even though we're not married and has made death/arson threats if I were to ever kick him out. (he realizes that he has it SWEET and that most other women would not put up with this crap)

Asher, I am sorry that you

Asher, I am sorry that you are going through such turmoil right now.

I cannot believe that he is so protective of his spawn that he cannot see what so many other posters saw easily - how important your sculpture was to you and how horrible your SD was to do this to you.

He is being such a loser. He

He is being such a loser. He is so blind to the implications of what she did. That was an act of violence against you. Isn't he concerned that she could/would do such a hateful, evil, malicious thing? I guess he's not an artist or creative person...can hear it now over here, oh, that was just a piece of paper (manuscript or song) etc.

HUGS!! Stay strong...so sorry it came to this...

Only consolation, he has to deal with her, realize he lost something precious because she and her mother deliberately attacked you...hold your head up. You deserve happiness and YOU WILL FIND IT!

I dont know the background

I dont know the background here but every time our SS16 comes over he wrecks the internet....last time he downloaded all these viruses and we are going to pay over 200 bucks to get it fixed??? I dont want the prick over here again either....he also breaks my things...eats all the food etc etc...

I havnt put the ultimatim to my husband like you have...but clearly is he worth staying with if he wont allow you to have some rules and boundries as to whats going on in your house....

hey I love your terminology of 'that darling slice of hell he calls his daughter'

beautiful.....Ill be using that one down the track....

shame your husband cant teach his slice of hell good values and emotional intelligence which is so required to keep a job thesedays.

I did that.He no longer feels

I did that.He no longer feels she did it on purpose.He said she was so broken up about it on the way home that he honestly believes it was an accident and therefore no punishment is required.Instead it's 'Ash if your studio is off limits why didn't you lock the door?'.

cant handle him being a

cant handle him being a loving father?!!ARe you kidding me???I didn't ask him to turn away from his daughter until he refused to help me fix the situation.Flat out refused to resolve the matter.Plainly said Asher I think you need to get over it so we can move on and just be happy.Just like that.
He can be a loving father all he wants.Loving I can handle.It's the blind deaf and stupid part that really pisses me off.

that's just it hs,I am tired

that's just it hs,I am tired of making the effort to get him to see things.Over the years I have been pushed and pushed by these people while dh sits by and says he's helpless.He thinks he can skate by on the fact that he's good to me in many other ways.Well he can't rely on that because there are tons of men out there who can do what he does and don't have half his baggage.I adore him and my heart is breaking but I can live without him and his baggage.I lived a charmed life for several years prior to meeting him and I can live like that again and love it.Say that's cold and I'll agree with you but my mother taught me that no man is worth the amount of tears I've shed for this one.

Asher....can you say to

Asher....can you say to husband that you really need some time to think and tell him youll be home in an hour but actually go ALL NIGHT AND NOT COME BACK UNTIL HE BEGS....cos guys get frantic over their wives being missing and they not know where or what she is doing....it will make him sit up and realise how much he would really miss you should you be gone for ever....

Keep your cell phone oFF...secretly check into a hotel for the night and saviour the moment away from all the baggage....(PUT IT ON HIS CREDIT CARD)....whilst your away and NO ONE knows where you are you too will have time to think....treat your self to a sleep in...a nice Dinner...hey sit up the bar and talk to other men....BUT DO NOT LET ANYONE KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS OR YOUR WHERE ABOUTS....lock your cell phone into the trunk...and leave it there....turn it off.

I know of women who have got like you and done this and its amazing how it really jolts things back into place....and if you can...it works best to do it not when your argueing...make up then go....

I don't play games with him

I don't play games with him like that.Game playing does nothing but make the situation harder and more bitter.

KUDOS!

I tried that it works

I tried that it works sometime, but who wants to leave thier OWN home! if anyone should leave it should be him and that evil little girl

Thank you! Correct response

Thank you!
Correct response for Asher's DAH (dumb ass husband)

DAH to stepdemon13: "I don't believe for a moment that you are sorry for wrecking Asher's work. Those are crocodile tears and I won't have it in this house. Asher is good enough to provide me with food, clothing and shelter and for you too and THIS is how you repay her?? You should be ASHAMED of yourself!!!"

Then DAH should file a juvi or PINS request/report for wanton destruction of other's property. Send her IMMEDIATELY to a "scared straight" boot camp/boarding school post haste. If that can't be done then Asher is allowed to go in and wreck whatever stuff that the stepdemon owns (ipod, iphone, etc.) and have it NEVER replaced except with stepdemon's own money that she EARNS from that extra paper route she's going to take on/babysitting/law mowing etc as restitution.

I think the new future is to have boot camps for these guilt non-parented children soon to turn into viperous adults.

If you know you can't handle

If you know you can't handle him being a loving father........

if he truly was a loving father, he would give immediate consequences for his daughter's terrible behavior so that she learned to respect other people's property. he's not being a loving father, he's being a guilty daddy.

I'm sorry I didn't realise

I'm sorry I didn't realise your sd accidentally got up at 2am went to your studio by accident, accidentally opened the door and went in and then went to play with something she knew she wasn't allowed to touch then accidentally knocked it over REPEATEDLY. God she must constantly be in A&E with all of these accidents :). Sd13 are evil bitchy little things that can turn on water works at the drop of a hat. One day your hubby might grow some balls or brain cells and see the truth. But do your want to lose your marriage over a manipulative evil arsewipe? And a immature bm?

Is it really considered

Is it really considered losing a marriage? It sounds more like taking back her life. Why stay with a man because one day he MIGHT grow some balls or brain cells & see the truth? It wouldn't be a marriage lost over a manipulative evil arsewipe & immature bm. It'd be lost over a man being unwilling to parent his child. No one deserves a sentence to life with that.

It's hard to believe a 13 year old can be so accident-prone, though...isn't it?

What's next? Have DAH allow

What's next? Have DAH allow stepdemon to STAB Asher repeatedly accidentally 47 times?

NO FRIGGIN' WAY!! It was up to DH to control his brat and he won't. He just makes excuses for her destructiveness.

NO WAY should someone be put in harms way like that. All men like this should have their FOREHEAD TATOOED as "GUILTY DAD and EMOTIONALLY INCESTUALLY ATTACHED TO SPAWN"

I'm not losing my marriage

I'm not losing my marriage over sd and bm.I'm losing my marriage over a man who won't stand together to fix the wrong things.I'm losing it because he chooses to ignore these issues.The issues get bigger and bigger but he continues to be in denial.At first his initial instinct is to protect us and right the wrongs.Then something happens and he forgets to be united with me.I can't live like that.Better to cut my losses now because he isn't going to change

Sorry i'm rubbish with words

Sorry i'm rubbish with words lol. I ment it as your husband did that (the growing of balls) then would you want to change your relationship with your husband over sd and bm. I didn't mean it as a fault. If anything i'm slightly jealous I don't have your conviction to change things if you are unhappy.

An accident? The thing was

An accident? The thing was destroyed. An accident would be it lying there, partly damaged. Then it begs the question why was she in there? After you mentioned the subject matter (you and DH) I feel it represented your marriage to her and she couldn't stand it. She had a jealous raging fit. Too bad you didn't have a camera on the wall.

forget it.

Whoever you are, that

Whoever you are, that sculpture represented Asher and it depicted her and her husband. That is extreme personal violence and dangerous. DH can see her elsewhere but with an attitude like that she is headed for jail or the morgue, as DH says about evil juveniles....

UPDATE:

Conduct Disorder causes children and adolescents to act out their feelings or impulses towards others in destructive ways. Young people with conduct disorder repeatedly violate the basic rights of others and the rules of society. The offenses that these children and adolescents commit often get more serious over time. Examples include lying, theft, aggression, truancy, fire setting, and vandalism. Children and adolescents with conduct disorder usually have little care or concern for others. Current research has yielded varying estimates of the number of young people with this disorder; most estimates range from 4 to 10 of every 100 children and adolescents.

"Conduct Disorder" Why is

"Conduct Disorder" :jawdrop:

Why is it that pseudo science wackos insist on labeling anything a kid does as a "disorder" just to take the personal accountability and conscious decision out of the kids behavior so the little dears are not held accountable?

Grrrrr! In the old days these little assholes were not coddled or given a label that in all reality is nothing more than a get out of jail free card for them to not be held accountable.

There was a time when these little shits were dragged to the woodshed by their ear, bent over a saw horse and their asses blistered with a razor strap, belt or paddle.

No one made a career out of giving the evil little assholes some bullshit syndrome or "Disorder" in an effort to take the blame away from the little shit that made the evil decisions.

This "disorder" has nothing to do with anything other than inept parents who will not do their damned duty as parents (frequent trips to the woodshed for kids that don't get it) and pseudo scientists who really are unable to perform in the crucible of private sector competition so they make up shit to justify their jobs and their "professional" existence. Most of these pseudo science "experts" could have used a few trips to the woodshed themselves.

How about "inept parent disorder" and we take those idiot parents to the woodshed for some "therapy"?

Grrrrr!

dup post

sorry daizy i saw the dup and

sorry daizy i saw the dup and deleted it but i didn't realize you were editing the other dups!thanks for your support honey sorry i deleted it!

Good, glad you saw it... I

Good, glad you saw it... I thought I screwed up or there was something wrong with my computer so I gave up.

I agree they always take the

I agree they always take the kids side....true we are adults, but that does not mean that every stupid thing that the kids say or do should be excused either. They always expect for the step parent to eat the kids crap by saying "Oh they are just kids" or "They were just playing" and about the house part I truly feel you!!! My husband and I just settled that this weekend too how the hell your ungrateful kids gonna keep the largest room and visit every so often, and our kids have to share the smallest room and live there full time???? True our kids were not born yet thats why I ALLOWED yor kids to stay in the open spare bedroom but now OUR boys are here and I be damned if I let your monsters take that from my kids

BF's still carry guilt around

BF's still carry guilt around with them that their previous marriage did not work....so I believe that is the number one reason as to why they side with the messed up teenagers from the previous marriage rather than their loving wife/husband.

We need to make it clear to our spouses that the reason these teenagers are crazy and bordering on being complete retards not fit for human society is because the ex is filling their heads with stuff to make them go crazy..maybe not directly but indirectly...if the bf has moved on and remarried then there should be some family member assisting children to understand this but no...instead the poor kids get lies fed to them on how their fathers dont want them anymore etc.....now if ex was hitting the kids, we would see the bruises, instead we are seeing totally obnoxious behaviour occurring therefore see if for what it is....the BM is filling their heads with crap and its a form of child abuse....perhaps you cld report it to the child protection services cos deliberatly breaking things is a cry for help as far as Im concerned...

Asher, I'm sorry your DH is

Asher, I'm sorry your DH is so disrespectful toward you. Whatever road you choose from here, I hope it brings you peace. You deserve it.

Look I get this is a board

Look I get this is a board full of people with varying opinions but I will not sit here and defend myself to anyone here after this post.You don't have to support me and you don't have to agree with me.YOu don't even have to stroke my ego and praise me.I don't care anymore.Nothing matters to me at this point other than getting my life back.I've given so much over the years and have gotten very little in return.I know Dh loves me and i know I love him but just like the song says sometimes love just aint enough.

Everyone knows I am the last

Everyone knows I am the last person to advocate removing a child from the home and making things difficult.But as with everything there is a limit to what a person can take.

Asher, what would be a

Asher, what would be a suitable punishment for her in your opinion? I know that you are hurting & upset over both SD & BM's actions lately ( rightly so) but is divorce the only option or is it more in the heat of the battle still. I am this way myself, when I am pissed I am ready to be done with the whole lot.

When SS 10 was 7 he screwed around ( has an issue with keeping his hands to himself) with my very expensive 14k gold Omega necklace & broke it. I was furious. Dh's response was it should not have been left on the dining room table, mine was why does a 7 year old boy need to be playing with a very expensive necklace, something that I will never be able to afford again because I married a man who pays child support.

In my case it was not malicious, but my husband not getting how upsetting this was because it was my property was what bothered me the most.

I think the fact that the

I think the fact that the damage was done with malicious intent & her DH protecting the malicious offender is what is so upsetting. For a child who is purposefully destructive of things that she knows are special to Asher, suitable punishment probably IS not being allowed to be near those things. In this case, those things are in Asher's house. The kid knew what she was doing. She did it to be mean. Asher shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells in her home to keep from angering the SD to keep her things safe.

Accidents happen with kids & with adults. We all have clumsy moments, but for her DH to defend SD knowing that she fully intended to destroy Asher's work...it isn't about him not getting how upsetting it was for Asher. It's ALL about the fact that he is willing to overlook & excuse his daughter's blatant disrespect for Asher & her things. He is letting his daughter know that her actions are okay. In my opinion that's an issue in lousy lazy parenting more than feelings.

There's really nothing

There's really nothing suitable.That's just how I feel.My feelings will never be the same after this.But if i had a child and the child did this to my husband I would do the following:1.she would have to write a letter to him admitting it wasn't an accident and she would have to explain what possessed her to do something so horrible.2.she would have to attend therapy sessions with dh and with me to iron out the obviously buried emotions in her head.3.she would be limited to day time visits only until i saw progress in therapy and until dh was comfortable having her there overnight.4.she would have to keep a 'feelings' journal to hash out her anger and aggression toward dh and once a week we would talk about it to figure out how we can help her sort through her feelings better.
That's the kind of parent I would be and the kind of wife i would be.I would ask dh if there was anything else the child could do to make this up to him.I stick to my parenting plan without wavering over some crocodile tears.
Dh will never do any of these things because he's too busy burying his head in the sand.

Asher I might have missed it

Asher I might have missed it somewhere, but was the sculpture a piece of you and your husband? I'm really sorry this kid did this to you. A part of me feels sorry for the kid too. She is clearly being manipulated by the BM. And the shit will hit the fan when she gets older and she realizes on her own how her mother has used her. Only you know how much more your heart can take. I do not feel happy that you are letting these 2 cunts win and ruin your marriage, but I can understand that you probably just can't take it anymore. Personally, the best revenge to me would be remaining happy with your husband. But from the sounds of it, it might be easier said than done. Best of luck, no matter what route you end up taking.

Thank you.Yes it was being

Thank you.Yes it was being done from a photo of dh and me.i told dh dating him while he lives apart from me is about all i can offer him at this point.really though how much in denial have i been over the years that the destruction of a piece of my art can make me break?maybe my desire to believe in this marriage was so strong I made myself so busy with choosing my battles that i lost the war.denial is a powerful thing and maybe this is just me waking up to the fact that maybe dh isn't such a great guy after all.he's fun and sweet.but that isn't enough to maintain a life together.

OK so yes, she broke it

OK so yes, she broke it intentionally. And maybe something like this had to happen to wake you up to the reality that this was not EVER going to get any better. Your DH will begin to resent his DD when he finds himself alone. BM will be happier than a pig in shit, but Asher, keep your head up darling. Stand proud & firm & know that the BM will get what she deserves. Anyone who can be so hateful & wicked deserves the wrath of the Universe to fall down upon them. The kid in this scenario is just a pawn, and it's so sad that someone can do that to their own child. Maybe the next sculpture should be of you channeling St Michael, stepping on the BM & little slice of hell!!!

Asher, you would make a

Asher, you would make a really great parent. Your punishment would be very appropriate & beneficial for the child. Parenting is tough. My BS is 3 1/2 & we are going through a really defiant time is my normally easy going child's life. There are days when it would be much less exhausting to just give in, BUT I can't because that is not what is best for him in the long run. Some people just don't get that it is a parents job to prepare our kids for life, to be the best person they can be. They are doing their kids a hug disservice & setting them up to be losers.

i'm supposed to be on a

i'm supposed to be on a flight to a show right now.just another thing ruined by the stress and heartache of marriage to a man with a child.

i didn't want to face the

i didn't want to face the world today.told everyone i have the flu.i sound so terrible they actually believed me.
i showed my plan to dh which is what i said i would do if the child were mine.he chuckled and said oh ash baby these ideas are great but not in this situation.sd is sorry this happened and i think that should be enough for you.you can make another piece and i bet it will be great!sd promised to not go in your studio anymore so you don't have to worry.come on honey lets just get some dinner and forget this whole terrible weekend ever happened.

And probably never realizing

And probably never realizing that THIS comment would piss a person off more than EVER!

At least it would me. Asher, I am so sorry that your H is being so stupid.

he's being stupid and i'm

he's being stupid and i'm being tough.i can't make him take all the blame.had i stood up for myself all the years prior to marrying him maybe this wouldn't have happened.if i would have taken a more aggressive stance in making sure sd respected me this wouldn't have happened.but i didn't.i trusted dh to handle his daughter.i trusted him to parent her.i wish i could leave the situation without holding any of the responsibility but once again my passive nature told me to let dh take care of things for me.i guess i can't be angry that he didn't do it well enough.now it's too late.i can't even look at him without feeling violent and filled with bitterness.

OH sorry but WTF?? Just

OH sorry but WTF?? Just MINIMIZE away because THAT will make it better, what an idiot!!! Makes me want to use that sculpture over his in denial, minimizing head.

"he chuckled and said oh ash

"he chuckled and said oh ash baby these ideas are great but not in this situation.sd is sorry this happened and i think that should be enough for you.you can make another piece and i bet it will be great!sd promised to not go in your studio anymore so you don't have to worry.come on honey lets just get some dinner and forget this whole terrible weekend ever happened."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's guilty-husband speak for, "How about we just pretend my daughter isn't a brat so I don't have to deal with it. Now, I'm hungry. What are you going to feed me?"

I think this is bigger than

I think this is bigger than just about a destroyed sculpture. I think it has to do with all the previous times he has let you down with his inability to parent his child and deal with his ex wife. What is the point of being with a man who can not be the partner you deserve?

it is definitely bigger than

it is definitely bigger than the art.the art is just the final breaking point.we've all got them.i didn't realize what mine was until it happened.

bottom line is that his

bottom line is that his demonspawns feelings are more important.

and you know what, she wont ever wake up and smell the shit coming out of bms eyes. because bm has created a codependent relationship for LIFE with that girl, i hands down put my wallet on it.

i dont see how he cant understand this. i dont know what it will take for him tbh, altho i bet he refers back to your ideas when she smashes his car up drunk driving at 17.

Amid all this frustration it

Amid all this frustration it is additionally frustrating that the awful SD and BM will think they have won if they drive you off.

"Amid all this frustration it

"Amid all this frustration it is additionally frustrating that the awful SD and BM will think they have won if they drive you off."

........HAHA.....it's what's kept me hanging in there for this long!!!! The longer I stick it out, the more they realize how much power they've actually lost.

The Dance of Anger

The Dance of Anger -
http://www.harrietlerner.com/pages/excerpts/DoA_Excerpts.html

Asher - I am so sorry to read where you are at this point, not because I don't ever advocate leaving. But because you have repeated over and over again that you love this man, but cannot take this anymore.

If I may, I would like to suggest you look at the above book and see what you think. Here is what I think your and your husband's dance was (sorry if this is bold, I am trying to help)...

... SD (or BM) creates horrible trauma in your life. You get angry. DH at first tries to comfort you, but because you are angry, you need space (of course!). He takes your space as rejection and gets angry at you. You then in turn get even more angry - or hurt - at him because he is now angry with you and on top of it, he is now DEFENSIVE. And so it goes. ...

There are several points in here that I think that your dance could have changed. DH started out on the right path. He took SD home and was cross (so we believe) with her. I think THAT'S WHY SD was crying. I am not so sure she was as sorry about breaking your sculpture as she was possibly scared of having pushed her father to the point of actually taking her home. I personally believe that's why she was crying.

So when your DH came home, thinking he had "taken your side", and you needed alone time, he felt rejected. So instead of understanding that you needed to just get yourself back together - he fell into a fight stance.

And on your end.. instead of coming out and being with him when he probably needed you too, and acknowledging that he was there for you at that moment (as you said he was...) you displaced your anger at SD and BM and the situation on to HIM. Because, after all, you wouldn't be in that situation if it weren't for him.

Finally - he doesn't want to be angry anymore... he doesn't want to lose you - so his answer is to sweep it under the rug. You (like me) need it FIXED. The next step in the dance. (By the way, this one is too big to sweep under the rug).

Do you think that's a fair assessment?

Had either of you changed any action at any time, I am not sure you would be where you are now.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The trouble we fall into is when we repeat patterns instead of really taking a step back and looking at each other. I'm not calling YOU out. I'm just saying that I think you and your husband are in a pattern of behavior that needs to be broken somehow.

I'm sorry she did such a shitty thing. And I am glad that she was crying and was scared to him. AS she should be.

Asher10, "unfinished piece of

Asher10,
"unfinished piece of clay" sounds like you're an artist (potter) so am I, so I fully understand someone destroying my work!
My dh just finished my new studio and I have an extra wheel that we are selling, anyway he was talking to someone at his work about them buying it. Evidently the person asked what he would do if he sold the wheel- he replied, "I will just grab some clay and use Fedup's wheel". Ohhhhhhhh really? I bought my wheel almost a year before I met him and my slab roller plus all of my other tools were purchased with my money before I ever knew him. I don't get into his spin casting equipment or his trains, so why is it that he can just hop on my wheel? Does anyone understand this one, because- silly me, I don't.

You are here

"You can't ban my daughter from our home"

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