Still jealous after all these years.
Someone asked me the other day if after 17 years of being a SM, do I ever get jealous of my DH's ex. The answer is yes.
It's not that I'm jealous of what she looks like or her lifestyle (although there have been times when we have gone without while she had everything she wanted thanks to our $$$), it's that I'm jealous of what my DH and she had.
She was is first wife, so she was his first proposal, walk down the aisle, dance as a married couple, honeymoon, etc. She's also his first - and only - in regards to their kids (we don't have children of our own).
I know that my DH loves me with all his heart, and I also know from not only what he's told me but from hearing it from his family and friends, that he and his ex should not have married, they were not in love, he wanted to back out of it, but that doesn't take away the sting of knowing I wasn't his first for these milestones.
And, as long as I'm confessing things here, I still get anxious when I hear her voice or have to see her. There's this deep-seated reaction that comes from so much anger, frustration, annoyance, even hate that I've had towards her over the years that comes up again in a split second. It goes away nearly just as fast, but it does still come, and I doubt it will ever go away.
So what does this all mean? Am I some nut-job who can't let go of the past, can't see the forest thru the trees, can't appreciate what I have? No, I do appreciate all that I have, all that my DH is, all that we've built together, and his past - and mine - is the foundation. All I'm saying is that don't be surprised if those feeling of jealousy or anxiety stick around for awhile. I think they may actually make you appreciate what you have now even more!
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I hear you, because for a
I hear you, because for a couple of years I was there...but it's been years since I was there. Fact is that crazy & DHs family always considered her "the wife" and his daughter was born while they were married...on the other hand our son was born almost 10yrs ago and we have only been married for 1 1/2yrs ( not because of DH, but because of me)...and you know what? Not even being married to her, not even having a kid w/her, made him want to stick around! On the other hand we have been through hell and back...I can assure you our problems are huge compared to what he had w/crazy...ww weren't married legally most of this time...and yet he has CHOSEN to stay with me...so it goes w/out saying I have nothing to be jealous of...she's even 6yrs younger than me and I'm older than DH...and so there is nothing that I could possibly be jealous of....so what? She gave birth? Probably her last attempt to keep him around...and as much as he loves his daughter, he would rather not see her than have to sleep next to crazy every night...
You are THE Wife...period. Focus every day on telling yourself that...wear a tshirt proudly w/his name & yours...eventually she'll be insignificant, much less something to be jealous of...
Does your DH understand the
Does your DH understand the jealousy at all?
Sweetheart, the most
Sweetheart, the most important wife is the "last". You will be buried next to him for eternity. (not to be gross or anything, LOL) You said, "I know that DH loves me with all his heart." You also admitted, his family and friends said, "they were not in love, should never have married".....YOU are his Love. ANYONE can have children with another person - it does NOT equal LOVE. You have your devoted DH... appreciate him. Peace xoxo
Sweetheart, the most
Sweetheart, the most important wife is the "last". You will be buried next to him for eternity. (not to be gross or anything, LOL) You said, "I know that DH loves me with all his heart." You also admitted, his family and friends said, "they were not in love, should never have married".....YOU are his Love. ANYONE can have children with another person - it does NOT equal LOVE. You have your devoted DH... appreciate him. Peace xoxo
I understand what you are
I understand what you are going through, I've been going through with it for 4 years. It's not that I'm Jealous of My Fiance BM looks or anything. I'm jealous of the fact that my Fiance's Family kisses his BM butt, because his mom is scared she is going to move away. she gets child Support, and my Fiance still buys his son things, Because his BM spends the money on her oldest son, because his dad does not pay child support, and with my Fiance son, his family will provide, and she knows it. It just frustrates me, That his BM is well taking care of, and I go without gas sometimes in my car, I have a hard time keeping my phone on at times, We fight over who is going to buy food for the month. I love him. But it gets really old, My Fiance better start treating me like I matter, or I'm out of here, Because I don't know how much more, I can take. Me and My Fiance had a big fight with his mom last Monday, and She had the nerve to tell my Fiance, That I'm being selfish, Because she thinks her son is around me at all times like I'm hogging him, and that he spends more time and do things for my son and not his own, and that is so not true. I barely even see my Fiance because he is to busy working alot of hours to pay his child support and to pay what he can pay at our house. I'm getting to the point where if we split up, that I'm going to be single, Because this crap will drive you nuts. I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me, But the rage inside of me, just want go away. I need to learn how to meditate maybe that will help, I don't know.
You have just put into words
You have just put into words what I have been unable to explain to DH since we met! I am not jealous of ET's physical appearance or her charming (:sick:) personality, I am not even jealous of their relationship because I have also heard from friends and family how different he is with me. What I am jealous of are all the firsts that we won't share because he has already shared them with her. DH and ET weren't married, so the only real firsts I am missing out on are baby "firsts." I don't want to think that DH will compare my pregnancy w ET's or compare our kid to SS, but I can't help but think that this will ultimately happen. I feel like I am going to be so excited about my first baby and DH will be thinking, "well I have already done this." It might be stupid, but I can't help feeling like this sometimes
Keep telling yourself, and I
Keep telling yourself, and I tell DH this too, that he had to practice with the first marriage in order to get it right with you! And I also say that I knew I would be good at marriage, so I didn't need practice like he did. So there!
Yes, I feel the same way many times. They had all the firsts together, and it hurts. Before our wedding, DH yelled at me that if I wanted excitement from him, then I'm marrying the wrong man because he's done it all before. This is coming from a man who totally surprised me with his proposal...he gave me the ring in a box of godiva chocolates on Valentine's Day. Hmm, if it meant so little to him, why bother being creative??
I'm now expecting my first child. I was worried that he'd be a know-it-all about pregnancy and child-birth, etc, but luckily he's not! His daughter is 19, almost 20, so it was long enough ago that he doesn't remember much, and things have changed so much that he's amazed at what's out there for babies. We're also having a boy, so finally he's experiencing a first for himself.
I never would have wanted this for myself, but I can't help who I fell in love with. We have to hope our happy marriages trump any firsts our DHs experienced.
I detest my Skids bio dad but
I detest my Skids bio dad but have no jealousy of him.
He is my wife's past and even my Skid's past. I am my wife's present and future. The past is all the SpermIdiot will ever have of my wife and with very limited exception even of my Skid.
As her present and future partner I am eternally in the forefront of my wife's life and BioDad will always be were he belongs, subservient to my position in my wife's and Skid's lives.
Sure, I guess I could lament not being my Skids biodad or the "firsts" that the SpermIdiot shared with her. However, those things are so unimportant and so far in the past that they are not even a consideration for me.
But, I guess that is the choice I have made on how to feel about these things.
I glad I made the choice I have. Investing time, energy or emotion in to worrying about anything his ignorant ass has done is a waste. I would much rather put the energy in to my marriage and using the time to bare the SpermIdiots ass every chance he gives. That is much more fun than worrying about the inconsequential portions of my wife's past that he shared with her.
I know that she does not give the SpermIdiot or their past together a second thought. Why should I? :?
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying. Infact I just brought this up to my BF the other night. It's my first marrige and yet I feel like it's my second. Some of this stems from allowing her to be way to intrusive in our relationship for the first eight months. It took him a little while but he has finally figured out that he needs to have boundaries with her.
I don't think that it means that we are messed up. I think that we are human. We had our own idea of what our first marrige would be like. Unfortunately, sometimes life throws a curve ball at you and things don't always work out the way that you want them to. But at the same time, the point is to hit the ball which it sounds like you've done. You have married a great guy who loves you dearly.
In my case one thing that makes me feel better when I start to think like this is the story my BF told me about his bachelors party the night before his wedding. He tried to leave on a plane. His friends actually had to stop him. He never wanted to marry her. He got her pregnant and wanted to do the right thing. I know that I get that first from him. He actually wants to marry me. Not because I'm pregnant, which I'm not, but because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Isn't that supposed to be the idea behind marrige.