Does having your own child help heal emotional ambivalence towards stepchildren?
For those who have chosen to become bio moms after having stepkids in their lives, I'm hoping to get your opinion on this.
I've lived with SD9 and SD7 for 2 years now. BM is out of the picture. As our roles are reversed, I'm the main provider of the family while DH is more involved with parenting and household work. Most of the time I am just tolerating the kids' presence. I can't say I hate them, I'm more apathetic and bitter because DH has decided not to have more kids because he "already has them". I am jealous of the affection between them, and of their bond. I have no such bond to speak of even after I've tried getting past the stigma of being a stepmother. My deep-seated resentment keeps me from nurturing them or doing more than the bare minimum in providing for their basic needs. As long as they're protected, clothed and fed, I'm done. They're nice and likable kids but they are walking reminders of their bio mom, especially SD9 who has the same psych issues (she's also a spitting image of her). Then SD7 would pine for her "real mom" now and then which secretly just adds to my resentment and bitterness. Not that I'm blaming them for it, but all this hinders me from developing a bond w/ them or being content w/ having them for my kids even if i didn't give birth to them. I loved DH first fully knowing that I'll have to live w/ his kids, but the fact that I know they will always be number one and I will be number two, and that I wouldn't understand that bond w/o first having my one of my own; just saddens me. Sometimes I feel like I want to detach from all of them and be emotionally independent; unaffected.
When given a chance, I have a really strong maternal instinct, protective and warm. I like taking care of the young, tiny and helpless and I've chosen a job in healthcare because I'm a nurturing type of person. I have high standards for my future biological kid, looking forward to doing so much w/ him or her and molding him/her into something better and more intelligent. But sadly, all my maternal instincts have been poured onto my cat, whom I feel more for than the SK's! Does that make me a bad person?
I want somebody to consider mine, I want to be able to call him/her my child. Someone who will recognize me as their only mother, someone I can raise from the beginning, who will be a miniature version of me/my husband. I need that bond with THAT human being. Now if i can't have that for myself, I try to convince myself it's sparing me the headache, finances and loss of freedom that another kid would require.
1) Does having your own kid make things worth the sacrifices you're already making for your step kids?
2) Does it help allay the resentment you may feel towards them?
3) Will it makes things worse if I bring a biological child into the mix when I fully know I will be more focused and emotionally involved with my own child than the SKs?
4) I only have a decade to go til the steps are out of the house... Is it worth resetting that timeline to personal and financial freedom in exchange to having your own child?
Sorry to write so much. I don't have any friends who are step parents and I've dealt with this ambivalence for a long time now without venting to anyone. My spouse is my best friend but I could not share these feelings with him because it's his kids.
1. For me.. yes.. 2. I had a
1. For me.. yes..
2. I had a bio daughter prior to meeting dh... so I already knew the way I felt and bonded with DD was very different than with the skids.. this feeling was reinforced when DH and I had our daughter together. So in my situation no however I can see how someone could possibly feel the resentment ease up when they have a child together and feel like there is someone who ties you together with them.
3. For me it didn't make this worse just more aware of the difference in how I felt for my bio kids than I did for the skids.
4. I have never regretted adding on 5 years of having another child.
Hope that helps.
Having my own kids did change
Having my own kids did change the emotional "ambivalence"-I no longer felt ambivalent about ss-but knew for certain that I disliked him. I had two of my own prior to dh and I having ours together. Sometimes I think if I had had NO other children could I have tolerated my ss15? The answer is most likely no-not even then-but I definitely was unable to tolerate the little creeper due to having my own kids. He was a threat to my own children which made me dislike him more and more on a daily basis.
I also had one on my own,
I also had one on my own, than we had one together, and it made everything worst. My SS13 is a nightmare, now I always have to keep him away from the little one too. I wish I did not had a baby related to HIM. I didn't regret the baby, he is cute and lovley, but it made everything so complicated.
You have the right to experience motherhood, and you supposed to be the first one, not the second for your husband.
Your husband is being very,
Your husband is being very, very selfish here in denying you a child, while he has his, even gets to be a stay at home dad with them, thnks to you., and worse, lied to you. Yes he lied. He didn't suddenly change his mind when you exchanged vows. He had you trapped as he saw it, much harder to leave a marriage than a relationship, so he just told you the truth about how he felt AFTER you married
Remember this, he is denying you the chance to carry, give birth to, feed and nurture your own child. Not a new house or car that you could maybe get in 10 or 20 years. One day the chance to have your own child will be gone. In his old age he will have his kids. What will you have. When you first conceive your child, you love it, well before its birth, when your child is born, and you first set eyes upon its little face, you no longer just love it, you fall in love with it. He is denying you something that can never be replaced or replicated.
If you really want a child, you two need to talk. Perhaps the two of you are at heart very different here. You need to sort this out now. Perhaps this is not the man for you. If you are just tolerating these kids now, be aware it gets worse when they get older. They don't magically disappear at 18. They just start asking for bigger stff, cars, university education fees etc., then they marry, have kids and your husband gets grandchildren, which again he and BM share. What about you.
"When we were dating he told
"When we were dating he told me we can have some of our own so I was ok w/ that. Post marriage, he changed his mind. I do understand it from his point of view because of practicality. He is not able to accept my emotional reasons for it."
That's ridiculous... Have a child. He has no right to say "no" now. I'm on the adult Skids website and adults skids (per readers who raised them since childhood) rarely feel like bio kids. You absolutely have a right to hold him to his promise. My DH promised me as well and than wavered after marriage. It didn't matter to me. I would not have married him if he hadn't promised me we could have children. I wasn't going to go through life childless because he changed his mind.
C.S. Lewis (great author), in "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Van Auken, rebukes Sheldon for denying his wife a child because he held her to a promise from their youth (that they would not have children). He rightly differentiates between men and women...
"The experience of a woman denied maternity is one you did not and could not share with her. To be denied paternity is different, trivial in comparison).”
Your husband is probably thinking of what he would feel like had he not had kids. This is not at all what a woman feels like. His kids are not yours, it is not at all the same thing. There is something wonderful about having your own (I have one). You will never regret it.
Have the children now, it can get really hard beyond your mid 30s.
I personally think it will make life much more bearable first and foremost because of the love you have for your child (first yr is hard though!). Additionally, you will no longer feel like an outsider in your own home or at least less of one.
You'll forget about being an outsider as you and your little one grow through the years. It sounds like you have great skids. You won't love them the same (read "Stepmonster" if you haven't). That's okay, just treat them well and love them as best you can.
You've considered them for years, now consider you. How will you feel in old age when your husband dies and you are left childless in a manner of speaking? It's neither yours nor the skid's fault that you feel the way you do. Feelings just are.
When you have your own child, something happens that bonds you in a very strong way (through the years, not necessarily at first). I too was really maternal but I didn't have a child until later in life. I actually didn't realize that so many of my instincts were maternal until I had a baby to be maternal too! Since I've had my child my spirit has resounded "I was made for this!". Really, its an experience you don't want to miss if you have a choice.
*jennaspace* From my point of
*jennaspace* From my point of view, I have already decided to have a child of my own regardless of how he feels about it. To put it mildly, I am the more independent one in our relationship so DH could not leave me without regretting it since he's had it better with my help. He'll be forced to become a single father with his two kids. So basically, if I choose to have a child, I will, and there's nothing he can do about it. If it destroys our relationship, I'm prepared to handle that. At least I have my child with me. I'm 31 now. Planning to have a baby next year if all goes well. I acknowledge your saying you cannot love them the same. I can't say I love them, or I don't know if I really could, but I do like them. We treat each other with respect. I suppose that's all that matters.
*emotionaly beat up*: Yes, I should be looking at this from the POV of a future grandparent. My stepkids' children will never be my grandkids. I'll probably become a bitter old lady if I'm forced to look after them like grandparents usually do. I'm glad I do not have a financial responsibility for the SKs. It's usually DH or the grandmother who provide most of the financial support, and when they can't, that's only when I step in. I guess being a step parent has that advantage.
To the rest of you, I believe you when you say it will only reinforce the feelings (good or bad) one has for the SKs once a biological child is brought into the mix. In my case, it will be hard not to blatantly direct all my resources to only my child. The SKs didn't choose to be in this situation anyway, so I just want to be fair. Thanks for your input.
So you're having a child
So you're having a child knowing your DH doesn't want one.
THIS is incredibly selfish of you. Oh, and what a vast majority of BM's on here are accused of. "Getting pregnant on purpose."
Personally, your (future) child deserves two parents who love it.
He said before marriage it
He said before marriage it was ok to have kids w/ me so I agreed to take in HIS kids. Now after marriage, he changes his mind about it. When I talked to him about it, he said he doesn't want any as much as possible, but he will have to deal with it in case it happens. He's not going anywhere because he's dependent on me. There will still be two parents who will love my future child.
Oh, and when I shared my
Oh, and when I shared my issue about having difficulty bonding w/ his kids, he said it doesn't matter as long as they see me as a parent. That does not address the need I have to bond w/ a child. He states I have this "stepmother" syndrome, drawing a line between "his" and "mine" and I should get over it. lol, easy for him to say.
Don't do it. If you do get
Don't do it. If you do get pregnant on purpose and he didn't want the kid, he is going to resent you and the kid too. If he leaves, he's got his mom to take him in and you will be left with no daycare for your baby. Plus, when you have a baby you want to stay with them and nurse them. You may have to quit your job especially if he's doing a lousy job with YOUR baby, and then what? Childcare is super expensive for kids under the age of 5.
Getting pregnant is not going to make your relationship stronger, it's only going to make you a slave for the rest of your life.
In my opinion, 1st priority: yourself. 2nd: your partner. 3rd: the kids and the rest of the family. If you can both think that way, maybe he will see that it's so important to you to have a kid...THEN you can have a baby together....
My DH and his ex talked about getting a baby at some point (when they were 19 and 21), he told her maybe with time (him thinking around like he's 28 or so). They had a fight, and she immediately got off birth control. He became a dad and told her that he would be there forever. Fast forward 5 yrs of hell with her and another oops pregnancy (coincidentally after a fight again), she kicks him out and sues for child support. Guess what, child support is only 600 for those two kids, for a 3 yr old daycare from 8-6 is $160 a week(that's how much it was for mine when she was that age). She only finished high school which means all the jobs she can get are usually not 8-5 but 2-11, and now with two kids and getting older and heavier, she rly can't find a good man anywhere just dirt bags that SHE has to maintain. If she had just been a little bit smarter, she would be single and happy partying it up right now, but instead she has full custody of her 2 children for whom she will have to sacrifice everything.
Well I wouldn't recommend
Well I wouldn't recommend getting pregnant hen he feels this way. I would recommend leaving him and finding someone more suitable and who wants to have kids. There's just something between the lines here that makes me think you see him more as a sperm donor than a husband. I think that's his doing. I think he's let you down in more than the baby area. If you are not happy with him, please don't have a baby with him. A sperm donor would be better than tying yourself to this man forever through a shared child.
You have to consider if BM walks back into the picture 20 years from now after you have helped raise these kids, the girls will still see her as their mother, she will be grandmother, and possibly you will be nothing. It happens all the time. Read the adult step children forums.
I believe your husband has done the wrong thing in changing his mind, and you will be the one who suffers for that decision if he denies you a child. If you don't resent him today, you will tomorrow. But two wrongs don't make a right. Having a child against his wishes is probably worse than what he's done, and what he has done is bad. But you would be giving birth to a child who's father never wanted it. No amount of love or money you can give that child, will ever make up for his or her father not wanting it. If your husband is adamant about this, then leave. You deserve to have your own children. If you are worrying about your age, then leave now don't waste anymore time with a man who doesn't want to have children. My eldest was 33 when she had her first child, she has three healthy boys now. So first step is to find the right partner. Good luck.