Old Dart,

Thank you for your words, but unfortunately I take my vows very seriously. I will not annul, I already told him if he wants to separate from me he has to file the papers himself and present me with them but I will not do it.

As for that gun, we sold it to pay for my immigration, but that fell through to pay for the DH's medical bills instead.

Everyone keeps telling me "get out" or "you're being controlled" or "xyz decision is impulsive wtf are you thinking about" or in various ways to "leave". I don't function like that.

I married my husband half out of love, half out of compatibility. We chose each other because we work well together.

Everyone keeps telling me "you're just delaying the inevitable" or something along the lines of "you're stalling".

Well maybe I am stalling.

Maybe I've reached this point where I know that right *now* things aren't working. Something's gotta give.

I suppose the best example of it could be watching Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail. Everyone's yelling about what's to happen to the fate of the Holy Grail... is it a good thing? Yes but in the wrong hands it can destroy everything. So what do you do? Throw it into the chasm and hope that by the time it's recovered the world will be ready.

The same can be said about my life.

I'm not in the best shape. There's no way I can handle the rest of everything. I can't make any guarantees about the future but I know where my heart lies, I also know where my dreams lie.

I'm stalling. I'm buying time.

Because I hope that by the time everything's all said and done... at the very end of things, when this issue comes about again we will be ready.

Don't judge us for behaving the way that we are. We're hurting. We both are equally.

Some may look at our actions as being negligent, or something we may regret.

The way we see this... if we continue on this path of forcing this issue, it WILL become an issue we will regret.

We both know this child is nothing more than a pawn to the BM. Having me precariously dangling between countries can't help anything at all. We have not a dollar to our name.

I've spoken to my parents about the issue many many times. Their best advice in the matter was to bow out. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow... it may even take several years, but one day she'll grow tired of the games.

When that happens then we can start again.

It may sound strange, but we know this is a battle we cannot win and even if we won, it would be a hollow victory.

Where my parents come from, divorce is illegal and infidelity is punishable by law. Cheaters are always victims in their own minds and will do anything to bring attention to them. We saw it with my uncle and his children, my cousin and his girlfriend.

My parents advice to us was to ignore the BM. Go on with our lives and do not, under any circumstances provoke her because we're on dangerous ground as it is.

TBH, I hate the assumption that I'm an "impulsive person" or I've made some brash snap decision. In fact, my DH and I are quite the opposite. We're two people that know what we want, and will settle for nothing less. We found each other, he proposed to me, he never proposed to her... we married and now we live together.

We both know what we want, we both know how to get there.

Right now is simply not the right time, nor the right place. While many people may scoff at the idea of leaving and moving elsewhere, it's what WE need to do right now to survive. If we stay here, nothing will improve. It will be one bandaid problem over the other.

(1) St. John's wort

Is excellent advice, unfortunately I can't take it. Where I came from it was a common staple because SAD (seasonal affective disorder) was common there. In my case S.J.W makes the red part of my eyes break out into blisters.

(2) Exercise

I get more exercise than I like. I have to walk literally everywhere to get groceries, and anything we need. Unfortunately nothing is within a 2 mile radius.

(3) My body's as healthy as it can be.

My depression is managed without medication, but every day I spend fighting it. Some days are easy, some are harder. The hardest days you see here.

All I can say is that my depression is managed enough where I don't think I'd actually harm myself, but the thoughts and desire still remain. The most obvious hazards have been taken away from me, except for the guns. But that's alright because I don't like guns anyways.

While the rest of me is covered with "deterrents" to keep me from harming myself. It sounds stupid but the rest of me is covered in "restrictive clothing". My DH knows how depressed I get and dresses me up in it to keep me safe. A "downside" to all of it is I spend the day looking like I'm either ready to run outside to play some paintball or like I'm some crazy fetishist, either way I can't do things to harm myself but unfortunately I can still type.

So blogging is my therapy. On good days I lose the restrictive clothing and I just wear lots of jade. I don't know why but it helps. My DH's been taking more care of me to make sure I don't harm myself.