This brings back the painful memory of almost a year ago when my SD (16 at the time) had just had an emergency c-section and H and I went to visit.

The first visit went great. The second one, BM was there and refused to let us in. H threw a fit and the hospital said that he has a right to visit his daughter. I was left out in the hallway by myself while H and SD had a very awkward conversation there with BM "supervising."

Since this time, SD has pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. She won't text, call, or return any kind of communication.

I don't have any advice for you. The step parent has no rights whatsoever.

My BM gets this idea whenever she decides to play "Mommy" It usually fades pretty quickly, when she is expected to do the Mommy things.

Why does he attend when its during her custodial time? If he's worried about not being kept in the loop he can always call the doctor or dentist. Even when I was married to my chidrens' father, we never attended doctor appointments together. Either he went or I did.

Hell no you are not way off. What these idiot parents are thinking when they believe stupid shit like; "(she) believes it's the only time that the child gets to spend with his BM and my DH." is beyond me.

There is no spending time with the BM and BioDad if they are not married or otherwise together. Its called D-I-V-O-R-C-E for a reason. Here is her sign! Grrrr!

Go to the appointments whether BM is there or not. Be happy and supportive of your DH and your Skid and let BM stew in your obvious happiness. These pathetic manipulative BioParent Xs are like cockroaches. A cockroach scurries for a dark corner when you flip on a light. Manipulative Xs are like cockroaches when exposed to the light of a confident and happy marriage. So, be confident, express your happiness and let BM scurry for the dark corner like the cockroach she obviously is.

It IS odd that she wants to be alone with just your DH and the kid. She is manipulating and I would smack her around as directly as I could if I was you. Figuratively smack of course. This crap accomplishes nothing more than screwing with the kid's head IMHO.

Wow! I don't even know the BM in your world and she pisses me off.

Good luck.

Ok here's my take-why do you even want to go? If you are saying dh needs to go on her custodial time in order to get information-well ok whatever-but why do both of you need to go? What purpose does it serve for you to be there? Maybe she is just uncomfortable with you beign at every stinking appt for her kid-I wouldnt like it either. If your being there generates moer ill will which will likely be passed onto the skid-why would you want to do this? Your dh doesnt actually NEED you there-so I can only see how your presence hurts the issue by upsetting her which the kid will pick up on and may even blame you for. Or perhaps you will just make her feel more threatened and she will PAS the kid more for good measure. It's just not worth it, IMO.

OK, I see a red flag here. You said that you have been in this child's life since the day he was born? Sounds like your DH wasn't out of that relationship for very long before he started a relationship with you. That may be part of the problem. Is it possible that this makes you a little insecure? Why not let him go to the appointments by himself? She might think that you are keeping him from her and if she can get him alone she can get back together with him. Let him go alone so she will see that it is not going to happen. Let her little fantasy blow up in her face.
As a mother (both bio and step) I can tell you that I do not think you should be present for doctor or dentist appointments. I am not trying to be mean, but I do not think that it is your place. I don't think you have any right to be there. Maybe your presence makes her feel insecure- like your trying to take over her role. Also, it may make the doctor, dentist and their staff very uncomfortable.

This is just my opinion.

Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, but they don't always smell so nice to the next guy.

The child knows that mom and dad are not together anymore and dad is with you. It would be more weird to the child for mom and dad to do anything together at this point.

I agree with fedupfallon. It doesn't sound like DH was out of his relationship with BM very long when he got with you. Given all that has gone on between you 3, I can understand why BM has such strong feelings. However, I also would hope that if I ever found myself in that situation as a BM I'd at least act like a civilized adult in the doctor's office. I think waiting in the waiting room is very reasonable. BM doesn't have to acknowledge you or say anything to you. DH should tell her that. But she shouldn't act rudely either. DH should say, "SM cares for (child's name), loves him and wants the best for him. She's not trying to replace you at all. She just wants to come, and I want her to come, so she can hear from the doctor's lips on how to best take care of (child's name). I'm not good at remembering things, so it wouldn't help SS if I just came on my own and tried to remember whether the doctor said. I also don't think it would benefit SS to see us doing things just you, me and him. He's never seen us together and this is what he's known from day one."

I agree that BM should treat you, at the very minimum, in a civilized manner. If she treats you badly, then eventually the kid will also.

i can't lie, i don't allow my dd's smom to be in the same room with me when my dd is at the dr's office or in er (she can come to give her loves but other than that i do ask her to not stay-respectfully) but i will do the same for my sd's i'll go let them know i'm there if at an er visit, but i will see myself to the waiting room if dh needs to stay for the kiddo

half the time we don't know when skids go to dr and i don't give my ex much notice or "choice" whether or not to come with me, and the only time he does assist or acompany is if it's an emergency

my personal opinion, sparents need to saside when it comes to things like that

not SM place to go to dr or dentist appt? but SM's place to wash their dirty undies, drive them around pay for them? I dont think husband should go w/ex at all or vice versa but do think SM and Dad can go if on their time.

Ok did I miss where this kid had some sort of serious medical condition? I get that you care about your skid but do you have to prove it by going to every routine appt? And who are you trying to prove it to? Really, do you think the kid cares whether all 3 of you go with him to get his teeth cleaned? Talk about overkill. And if the situation is tense then the child will surely pick up on this. I as a bm have not been to every one of my kids dentist/ortho/dr's appt because I have a job. If I dont get all the info I need from my dh, or my parents who help out, then I simply get on the phone and ask any questions I might have.

i totally agree hismineandours, if no one can trust what bm tells about the appointment, call the dr yourself (the other bioparent) the dr's cannot refuse information even if 1 party has full custody

Oh my god, bio mothers, WHY don't you want the sm there?
If she wants to be there, dh wants her there, kid wants her there, what's the big deal?
I don't really get ALL the parents going to a dentist appt lol, but I qwork in a dental office and trust me, I wouldn't give two shits if sm and bm were both there. Seems to me the only person that cares is bm, because she's scared sm is gonna steal her thunder or something. Whatever, get over it. She's in your kids life, your kid likes her, GET OVER IT.

My parents were together while I was growing up (still are to this day!) and I can honestly not remember a time when both my mum and dad took me to the doctors/dentist together simply because it wasnt necessary so it was normally just my mum that came with me. I understand that maybe both BM and your DH want to attend the appointments to hear what the doctor says but at the end of the day a trip to the doctors is never intended to be a child-parent bonding session! Therefore BM using the excuse 'it is the only time the child gets to spend with both his parents' is not a valid reason. More likely it is simply she does not want you there- maybe she feels threatened, worried that you take more of an interest in your SK's life than she does!! Is it not possible for just either BM or DH to go? If it is during BM's time with the child that they need to go to the doctor than she takes him/her but if its during the time the child stays with you then your DH goes- whether you go as well is really none of her business because it is during DH's time. Whether you go or not doesnt affect the situation (apart from for BM)- the main thing is that all people involved somehow hear what the doctor has said eg maybe BM and your DH can tell each other over the phone what was said rather than them both attending.

I had a similar situation this week with parent-teacher meeting. DH wanted me to be there but BM kicked up a fuss. BM should be glad that I am taking an interest in SD's life but no she is too focused on herself. I was very proud of DH because he stuck up for me and told BM 'I've started a new life, I'm with *my name* and when you're with someone you share every aspect of your life with them not just bits and pieces so I'm not going to exclude her from anything'. BM still refused to let me come along, DH suggested making a separate appointment for me and DH to go but she said this wasnt happening either! It has still not been properly resolved.

At the end of the day we as SM's have to accept our SK's into our lives and the fact that unfortunately BM will always be in contact with DH for the sake of the kids, however it works both ways...BM has also got to accept that we are in our DH's life. It's funny how the SK's can accept us (normally) but the BM's cannot do this, even though we only want what's best for the kids.

My DH thinks BM doesnt like me because she cant stand anyone taking any interest in the kids lives- BM doesnt really bother helping them with school work, taking them out etc but she cant stand anyone else doing it either!

My point is-I just feel like so many smom's feel threatened and feel the need to assert their place-just to prove something to bm. I feel like it is the smom's insecurities that cause alot of this behavior and perhaps a desire to piss off the bm when they know it makes the bm feel uncomfortable or they dont want them there. Just leave it alone, kwim? The sm is not a necessary part of these appts-if the dh feels he has to go fine-but does it take both dh and the sm to understand instructions such as ss needs to brush and floss?
It only causes trouble with the bm which trickles down to the kid, that these sm's profess to care about? I ended up being ss's primary parent for over 7 years and attended most of his dr's appts by myself. A couple dh went with me. Never (even as the primary individual taking care of ss) did I feel the need to attend an appt on bm's custodial time-he had maybe 4 of them over 7 years that she took him to. I cared about my ss, I cared about his medical care, but frankly I just didnt need to be there. BM and I dont have a horrible relationship we just dont have one period. We put any of us in awkward position of sitting in the waiting room making small talk? Does the op not trust her dh alone with the bm? I guess if she only went along once in a while because they were going to lunch after or before I guess I would think that is ok-but to make a point to attend every appt although the child's parents are already there? Something just isnt right about that.

captain d, if the smom in my life would ACT like she wants to be in my dd's life then things would be different, but the ONLY time she WANTS to be there is when i'm not around, she throws fits when I attend programs my dd is in at THEIR church, (claims THEIR church i have no right there, it's not like i stalk and go to every church they've ever been to or EVERY small program or join the church because they are there) yet when it's at MY personal location, she has every right to be there-her argument once (she does i wont deny that) but only if i'm not there, she'll go, when my dd was in soccer, she went to ONE game, when she was in softball last year ZERO games, ZERO programs at church's (unless HER church's-then that STILL varies) and when i go to funerals on ex's side to pay my respects to ppl i knew she throws a fit even though she's not there as a legal member of the family. when her dad died, dd's bd couldn't afford to send flower's for the family so i bought some for THEM not just dd but her bd AND smom, so my dd would have something to give for condolenses (kept that part in my head), but because it was really from ME they were not welcome in her opinion and she threw a fit about that too, her mom pulled her aside and told her to cool it! (bd told me that) really?

yeah i'll get over the fact that her dh (my ex) has told me COUNTLESS times he wants a divorce from her (even told my dd's counselor that just 2 months ago) but (obviously) money is an issue....yeah, she's a trip

One last thought for you. What happens if you and DH get a divorce? Would you get custody? Visitation? No, because the courts do not give a SM (or SF) those rights. However, there is emotional fallout for SS that BM and your now exDH would have to deal with. SS would have one "mommy" that just disappeared from his life. As a Bio Mom that was my concern when my kids were younger.

with all due respect, you guys are seriously still going on about this? find out what the kid wants you to do and go with that, but unless it's an emergency, let bm and dh handle it :sick:

I cant believe any skid really sits around thinking "Oh I really wish my bm, dh and my smom can all go with me when I get my teeth cleaned!"-sm and dh are probably asking if he wants them there and he's probably saying, "sure"-what else can he say? "No, I really think it's overkill that you all want to go"
I think some of us are going on about this because its pretty clear that there is more going on here than just a loving sm's desire to be with her skid when his teeth are being cleaned.

Don't we get attacked enough by our skids? (I know I do) We all come here to vent, get honest opinions on issue's and for support, we certainly do not need to attack on another. Honesty is not always painless or popular, so lets not take it personally. OK