Massive CS$$ to BM blues...can anyone relate? How did you handle all the years of massive CS?
Sigh...maybe I have the winter blues or am becoming impatient. I need some of my ST buddies to help me out with a little bit of positivity here.
Anyone out there sometimes feel like the massive CS$ (translation: legalized extortion) paid to the BM/exW will NEVER END?? My FDH has been faithfully paying his CS every 2 weeks like a freakin Swiss Army watch (total about $1,600/mo. for 2 kids even though we SHARE TRUE 50/50 PHYSICAL & LEGAL CUSTODY of skids with BM) for about 5-6 yrs. now. There is FSD16 & FSS13.
Problem is, we live in the lovely "BM-loving" state of New York, which has the ridiculous "CS until 21" law on its books!
When FDH divorced BM, he agreed to pay CS until each child turns 18 OR, if each skid is a full-time student, then until each child turns 22!!
Which translates to roughly the following amount of time (a/k/a "prison sentence") that BM lives off of us/leeches off of us:
For FSD16: just under 2 more years, unless she goes to school full-time, then for just under 6 more years
For FSS13: just under 5 more years, unless he goes to school full-time, then for just under 9 more years.
I just REALLY, REALLY need some words of encouragement from my fellow steppers out there on this massive CS$$ topic. I sometimes feel like this huge financial burden will never, ever end! I just cannot possibly imagine having to support BM (who, btw, lives off the CS$$ and barely works part-time job) for possibly another 9 more years!!! AAAHHHHH!!!
HELP!!!! I don't know why this is so heavy on my mind lately, but it is... 
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OMG!!! How can it be that
OMG!!! How can it be that high!!! Especially with 50/50. We are custodial but we only have about 4 more months and then as DH, says,,,it is over. BM will be out of our lives for good.
I think it is wishful thinking but that is JMHO.
Good luck to you, that is absurd!!!
I don't know, doncon29, I
I don't know, doncon29, I really don't know why it is that ANY PARENT can be LEGALLY OBLIGATED to financially support an ADULT. Funny how it is that in NYS once a child turns 18 (the legal age of majority), he/she has the legal right to do whatever they want, in terms of custody/visitation, etc.. So let me see if I can get this straight, for ALL OTHER PURPOSES, they are adults at 18...but for purposes of CHILD SUPPORT in NYS, the legal obligation of the parents is to age 21. :? :? :?
In NYS, the CS$ still has to be paid directly to the CP (as opposed to it changing to being paid to the "adult/child" to support his/herself) when child turns 18. Even if the child is living away at college full-time and the kid doesn't live at CP's (other than summers), courts still order NCP to pay CS to CP year-round!! Even when a NCP is ordered to pay part of, or all, of the child's tuition/fees while attending college!! :? :? :?
Someone call me crazy here, because I thought that the following 2 basic premises were true:
1. Child support is intended to SUPPORT THE CHILD (not the parent).
2. BOTH PARENTS are obligated to financially support their child(ren) that they create.
(Milomom shaking head frustrated)
We`re in the same boat. I
We`re in the same boat. I really, really wish things would change. In our case, it`s to the point where we can`t eat. We`re constantly selling off our belongings just to make ends meet.
It`s terrible.
Ugh. We have alimony and CS.
Ugh. We have alimony and CS. Total of 3,000 a month. It makes me sick that I work as a teacher to make less than her and she gets to brag about being a sahm and moty. Ughhhh
OMG stpmom2b -
OMG stpmom2b - $3,000/month?!?
I am so sorry for you. That's even MORE than my FDH pays (and I thought our amount was astronomical considering we share 50/50 custody of skids with BM)...I have no words to comfort you right now. I feel the same way you do - makes me sick as well. :sick:
You work as a teacher - so does my younger sister. I know how hard it is for you just to GET a job, just to GET to the point of being tenured so that you have SOME SEMBLANCE of financial security. I know it must be very difficult for you to make less than BM whose income is alimony and CS. I think I just vomited a little in my mouth for you.
I haven't checked your page/profile (whatever), so I don't know what state you live in. Mind if I ask WHY the heck your DH's payment to BM is so damn high???
I can only say I will pray for both of us. I hope that, in your case, at least the alimony stops soon. My advice to you: either NO countdown, or just a countdown to the CLOSEST termination date (i.e. if alimony ends in 2 more years, then a countdown to that would probably help you, as it would me).
Geeze...I just found something to be grateful for and to encourage me...at least we don't pay alimony (here in NYS, we are too politically correct to use that term, it's called "spousal maintenance" here) to BM. Thank God! I honestly and truly believe that I wouldn't still be with FDH if he had to pay alimony/maintenance to BM ON TOP OF the massive CS$$...nope, that probably would've put me over the edge during the "dating/weedout" years and I think I would've walked away from him (as much as I truly do love him). I dunno, sometimes love just isn't enough, KWIM? Can't send a check to the utility company or the mortgage company with the amount of "love" filled in. LOL!!!
Hang in there (hugs) - we're together in this thing.
We are out of the hole in 11
We are out of the hole in 11 months when YSS turns 19 .... or sooner if he enlists.
The one thing I can say is eventually the gravy train will stop. YOU will enjoy the additional income and her SOL will drop accordingly.
Now what is easier? Losing the money that has allowed you to live life high on the hog all these years and suddenly you are 15 yrs older with no job prosects and an expensive lifestyle to keep up or finding the additional cash in your account at the end of the month?
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
doncon29, please do tell me
doncon29, please do tell me stories about how it changed your lives when CS ended. Please do. Those words will encourage me to keep on hanging on. Please share. Even if it's just one example.
I feel you pain. My state is
I feel you pain. My state is also very generous to BM. My DH was Unemployed the last few years we had to pay CS, and the state awarded BM almost his total check...even though we had for years almost full-time custody with NO support from BM. Our son we had together and my BS suffered. I tortured myself at times lurking on my SD Facebook page...trips to the Caribbean, ski trips, the latest electronics. My sons did without essentials. My saving grace was that she
was not in our space and it would end some day. I worked lots of extra hours and Thank God we are done!My sons are happy and healthy. My SD is an entitled,materialistic,maladjusted ,ungrateful ,unhappy, nasty person, who luckily ,is no longer in our life.She and BM live for material things and were parasites of the worst kind. They are both having a difficult time now that the gravy train has ended. My sons are grateful for all they have and are very hard workers.
Hang in there. It does end eventually. Too many states are just so totally unfair to the second family. If I had not had a good job, we all would have been homeless because of CS...no-one in the system paid attention to what was happening to the money (i.e. breast implants,multiple vacations, extravagant clothes).
oh wow....I wish I could give
oh wow....I wish I could give you some words of encouragement....my FH brings home about $400.00 every two weeks...and gives her $550 a month for two kids...we have nothing. I'm a student and I work 2 jobs...by the time we pay bills...(well...he pays his parents bills because they have him stuck in some web...) and I pay mine...we're broke. Every month. It's like we're going nowhere. BM constantly takes kids to doctor for scratches...doctors not listed on their health insurance FH pays...just so he can pay half of the medical bills leftover...love it. This is a vicious cycle. I'm ready to throw in the towel. Good luck.
Thanks to those of you with
Thanks to those of you with words of encouragement. I know how hard it is to be encouraging to someone else on this topic when it is truly such a drain of positive thought.
To those of you who didn't have words of encouragement, but took the time just to reply to my post, to let me know that I'm not alone and that you can feel my pain, THANK YOU!! It really does help a lot to know that I'm not the only one that gets my "feathers ruffled" by the constant feeling of unfairness with the CS$$ we pay to BM, even though we share 50/50.
I'm hanging in there. I know it's true that the Gravy Train does, eventually, come to its final destination. I also do believe in the Karma bus coming, someday, to show BM/exW what she has been putting us through.
By the way, I hope I'm wrong, but FSS13 just mentioned to me today that BM/exW is thinking of applying to go back to school. Sigh.... This bugs me on SO many levels:
1. BM/exW already made a feeble attempt to go to school at the same place about 3 yrs ago and dropped out after less than 1 semester - probably failing (it's the easiest community college that a student can attend). Not to be mean, but our BM is not the type of woman that has EVER given much effort into (or cares about) educating herself. What's the saying - she's not the "brightest light bulb", KWIM?
2. BM didn't even graduate high school in the first place - got her GED in her 20's and wasn't interested in educating herself her ENTIRE life, during her marriage, etc...until all of a sudden she learned, during her divorce, about the concept of "educational maintenance" $$$ from her exH (my FDH) that she could fight for in the divorce if she went back to school - and suddenly, she became interested in being a student again (in her 40's). That attempt failed in court during the divorce.
3. She already doesn't support herself and lives off of the massive CS$$ - and now the CS$$ is going to be used to put HER through COLLEGE??? At 44 years old??? PLEASE!!!
4. Since when is it OK for a mother to CHOOSE to not work (8 years post legal separation & 5 years post divorce) and use her CHILDREN'S CS$$ to go back to school??? When does it become ALSO HER RESPONSIBILITY to financially support HER OWN CHILDREN also???
I just really get the feeling that we are NEVER going to get rid of this leech/albatross BM/exW!!
Anyone out there have any success stories where you are FINALLY DONE paying CS$$ to selfish, greedy BM?? Anyone out there remember feeling like I do now back when you still had anywhere from 5-9 years of CS$$ left to pay out??
All the while, we also have the kids 50/50 and have to find a way to financially support OUR HOUSEHOLD and BM's household....
It's really just an indescribable feeling.
Anyone out there see a BM literally fall flat on her face after the Gravy Train of CS$$ ended?
It goes quick. It seems like
It goes quick. It seems like only yesterday (cliche I know but it is true) that my SS was a 1yo toddler chasing ducks around the golf course outside of his mom's apartment when we started dating.
He graduated from HS in May of last year, turned 18 in Aug and finished his final SpermClan visitation in Aug.
It goes quick.
Not long ago he was learning to ride his bike. He just got his license and his first car.
Not long ago he was a PITA snarky kid. Every day he is less so.
It goes quick.
For 17yrs we fought with his SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa, countered their toxic vitriolic crap as much as we could.
It goes quick.
So, hang in there and think of the time you and DH will have before too long.
It goes quick.
Good luck and best regards,
Rags, thank you for reminding
Rags, thank you for reminding me that it goes quickly. Words of encouragement are always welcome.
I know that your situation is very different from mine - your wife is the CP and has been collecting CS from SpermIdiot's parents for years and I know that that has been so frustrating for you that they are still "bailing him out" of the mess that he made for all of those years. I get that, I really do. In your situation ("deadbeat dad"), the CS laws exist for that exact reason - to legally force someone to financially support a child that they created. I'm ok with that. If those CS laws didn't exist, it is a guarantee that SpermIdiot wouldn't have paid a dime to support his son (your SS/son 18), nevermind made any effort whatsoever to see him or raise him to be a productive member of society, as you have for many years.
In my situation, my FDH is an AMAZING man & father - shares true 50/50 custody of Fskids with the BM/exW. He is literally a very hands-on father, not only financially, but in every way - does their laundry, cooks their meals, provides 100% of their health insurance, 90% of cost of braces & any other unreimbursed medical, makes them do homework/study, provides them with a beautiful, warm loving home with their own bedrooms, TV's - even lets them use his brand new electronics (i.e. laptop) whenever they want, pays for cell phone, gym membership so they don't lay around & stay healthy. I could go on and on. He did not cheat on BM when they were married (as a matter of fact, BM cheated on him throughout, which he knew but never held her to it in their divorce), he agreed to provide for her to have a very comfortable life post-divorce, so forth and so on.
He's a good guy that basically procreated with a woman who will always feel "entitled" to her biweekly massive CS$$, which NYS entitles her to even though we share 50/50 custody of skids. NYS law does not legally force her to work full-time. So our "new family" suffers indirectly from this...at least for another 5 (at the least) or 9 (at the most) years. We struggle to basically financially support 2 homes. It's just plain wrong.
(Milomom steps off her soapbox.)
Milo, Your FDH sounds like a
Milo,
Your FDH sounds like a great guy. I hope that your remaining 5-9 year CS sentence goes quickly. It amazes me how quickly my nearly 17yr StepDad adventure has gone.
My wife was never married prior to me so we did not have the additional baggage of a divorce. My own divorce did not bring much baggage other than a house to get rid of.
I guess we are pretty fortunate over all. I have always held that being the CP household has far less blended family drama than the NCP has to deal with. It is much easier to minimize the crap from the position as the CP household I think.
CS was never much for BioDad do have to pay. $110/mo for a year. $133/mo for 9 years and $350/mo for 7yrs with 2yrs at $550/mo to cover arrears. I have never understood how his CS obligation was this low but in the Peoples Republic of Oregon they tend to favor residents of their states rather than the kids.
But, we are done with Oregon courts and the SpermClan now. The rest of our lives as our son's parents should be sans any interface with the SpermClan. Lucky for my Skid that the vitriolic toothless moron crap that he has had to deal with so far in his life will be in his past.
Hang in there.
Best regards,
It's true, the time does go
It's true, the time does go quickly.
We have cs until SD is at least 22, if not longer, but we're planning on 22. She's a sophomore in college now, so about 2.5 years to go.
DH will fight hard if he's required to pay for grad school too since it was never mentioned in the original CO, nor when they went to court last year. SD has very little to do with DH now and while he feels obligated to pay her college tuition regardless of what the state says, he's angry about the CS and the thought of paying even longer when SD barely acknowledges him anymore. He has always been there for her, and this is the thanks he gets. He's finally getting angry with her and not just BM.
We like to once in a while think about how much extra we'll have when she's emancipated. When we first met, he still had 8 years to go...in a blink of an eye we're down to 2.5.
Once again, thank you to all
Once again, thank you to all of you who understand what I'm feeling and have posted some words of encouragement.
It's funny, because although I feel like the past 7 years with my FDH, FSD16 & FSS13 have gone fairly quickly, I feel like the clock has practically STOPPED when I think about how long it'll be until we are done with massive CS$$ & free of the leech (BM/exW).
I just really, really wish that SOMEONE, some divorced father who has been through this, had enough time & courage to stand up for all fathers and FIGHT THESE INSANE, ARCHAIC CS laws!!! Especially in NYS, they really are so ridiculous, especially where 50/50 custody is concerned. If these laws were different, then we wouldn't even be in this predicament. If we lived in a different state where the laws are fairer (i.e. taking 50/50 custody into consideration when calculating CS or stopping CS when skid turns 18, etc...), then I wouldn't feel quite so disillusioned and frustrated as I do now. The "light at the end of the tunnel" could be seen a lot sooner - as it should be. But my reality is, we DO live in NYS (land of the "BM lovers") and we WILL have to pay CS$$ well after the skids turn 18, if they go to school full-time.
Sigh...our BM is TOTALLY the type to do WHATEVER she can to make sure that skids ARE IN SCHOOL FULL-TIME after they turn 18 - even if they fail every single course, every single semester, transfer from one school to the next, so forth and so on. She'll do whatever it takes to keep collecting "her" monthly CS $$ from us (from FDH).
Right now, it just really feels like there's no end in sight. Worse case scenario is another NINE (9) YEARS...just makes me CRINGE!! We could do SOOOO many good things (for the skids and for others, not to mention for ourselves) with that $$$.
Also, it's amazing how much money I paid to put myself through college, law school, buy myself car(s), buy my house with my OWN mortgage, etc... Yet women like these lazy, uneducated, leech BM's just pop out some kids with a guy and VOILA, she's "entitled" (per NYS law) to all of this massive CS$$ and she's taken care of for MOST of her DAMN LIFE!! Just makes no sense, no sense at all. Then there's women like me, who educate themselves and/or work hard for a career and to be independent, PURPOSELY WAITS to get married, have children, etc... until she's financially (and otherwise) ready. Yet the law says we're "entitled" to....nothing.
Disgusting. (Milomom shaking her head in disgust).
I suppose I'll file these gripes of mine and this post under: LIFE ISN'T FAIR...the sooner you realize it, the better off you will be.
(That's for you, Crayon)
This is an issue that will
This is an issue that will destroy you if you let it. Don't let it. Even though you are broke and resentful, you have to come to a place of peace about it, especially if you've done everything you can to lower it.
You accept that you are being screwed over and it can't change. You can control your attitude about the BM that is sitting on her lazy butt laughing at you because the state screwed you.
You have to direct your mind away from constantly thinking about this and talking about it with DH or it will rip you apart.
We've been paying $1200 a month for 1 child who dropped out of high school and is currently smoking pot. I totally resent this. I have had to completely ignore the whole situation so it won't get to me.
We owe 17,500 in back support because the state of texas raised our child support and made it retro.....to the date of filing. This is a major screw and I hate that cunt for being such a skanky loser.
Just separate yourself from thinking about it. When I was looking down the road at us having to pay the bitch for 12 more years, believe me, I thought it would never end. Your BM will try to increase it every chance she gets. Time will eventually go by. It isn't fair, but I am 1.5 years from being finished paying the "prostitution on the installment plan"
My heart goes out to you.
ddakan, I really appreciate
ddakan, I really appreciate your response and your advice.
Trust me, I know that you are SPOT ON about not letting this whole massive CS$$ get to me. It's strange because MOST of the time, I am very good at not letting it bother me - you know, being the better person, taking the proverbial high road, etc...
I just posted this on a day that, for some strange reason, it was really frustrating me. I was just venting and letting go of some steam about it. It really helps, too, because it's nice to know that others here understand my feelings. People here "get it", they just do.
You've been paying $1200/mo. for 1 child - who is a high school dropout and smoking pot. This is disgusting and just totally unacceptable. You have every right to feel resentful. I feel that at least 1 of my Fskids will be in this exact situation as yours in the next 1-2 years. It's hard to not be in control of someone's demise...it's like knowing about a bad car wreck or train wreck ahead of time, but not being able to do a damn thing about it to HELP or protect the people involved.
Also, thanks for your especially encouraging words at the end of your reply. That's exactly what I needed to hear (read)...that you, too, were in my shoes at one time (12 more years to pay the BM) and feeling like it would never end - and now it's down to 1.5 years!!! That's so totally awesome and inspiring to me. You made it!!! I admire you for that.
"Prostitution on the installment plan" - as funny as that phrase is, it is so true in SO MANY cases in this country.
Thank you and hugs to you for taking the time out to reply to my post - it helps so much!
I'm like you, I want to hear
Right now I worry that me and DH won't be able to survive his kids hating me and blaming me for everything wrong in their lives, even though they suck us dry financially. At times I just want to be single and not deal with constant hate and turmoil.
I feel sad to have been pushed to this point.
Geeze, just when I thought I
Geeze, just when I thought I had it bad, I realize that the saying "it could be worse" is so true.
I'm "lucky", I guess, that FSD16 & FSS13 don't hate me at all and don't blame me for everything wrong in their lives...well, at least not that I know of. Don't get me wrong, in the "early" days of our 7 year relationship, I'm sure they did - and I'm also sure that BM did what she could to alienate them from me and give them PAS.
My advice to YOU is to not worry so much about what his kids think of you - just be indifferent. Their constant hate and turmoil only exists because it is being fed somewhere. Continue to live YOUR life the way you would've led it had the skids never existed. Continue to be a good person, continue to be happy, continue to focus on YOUR LIFE, YOUR GOALS, YOUR DREAMS, YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR FAMILY and YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Do not "feed the monster" that is skids' venom & hatred. Ignore it all.
I'm just trying to help you based on my own personal experience. I spent years building a good relationship with skids (which you'd think BM would be happy about & appreciate that someone that's a GOOD INFLUENCE, with GOOD MORALS & VALUES are in her kids' lives, but nooooo...I digress). All of a sudden, BM started a smear campaign against me and started "planting seeds of doubt" into skids' minds. She fed their minds with lies and even went so far as to accuse me of "touching SD16 (then SD13) inappropriately and making her uncomfortable" a few years ago!!! I WAS EFFIN LIVID!!! I tried to straighten it all out, spoke with SD about the facts (this never happened) and told BM, in no uncertain terms, that her disgusting implications & accusations had to stop NOW!
She did, but the damage she caused between me & SD was done (at least temporarily). SD no longer gave me little hugs when she saw me or at her sports games or anything else EVER AGAIN after that. There was this unspoken "wall" between us that BM had constructed and it caused YEARS of damage afterwards, literally.
I realized that instead of worrying so much about what skids thought of me, I'd just let it go. You cannot prove yourself innocent of something you didn't do. The only way I could prove to skids that I love & care for them and that I wasn't the "monster" that BM was trying to make me out to be, was to SHOW THEM by living MY LIFE as a good, caring, loving person. Let the facts speak for themselves.
I knew back then that BM did this to destroy the close relationship I had with skids. However, I also knew that all skids have a "loyalty" dilemma with their bioparents when they actually do like or love the stepparent. I knew that skids liked me (heck, maybe they were even growing to LOVE me - lol!), but I'm sure that BM made them feel that if they did, that they were betraying her. Parental Alienation at its best!!
I swear, Parental Alienation should be criminalized. It should result in the immediate loss of custody for the parent committing the PA & their CS$ should be at least suspended until they get treatment or therapy or some type of counseling until they can PROVE to the court that they can & will co-parent, so as not to destroy their kids.
I hope my situation/example helps you. You seem like a very nice, kind and caring person from what you write on here. Don't let skids (or your BM if she's the cause of the hate) and their untrue opinion of you ruin your relationship and your life.
Good luck!! Again, thanks for your advice to me also. You have really inspired me to just "dig in" and keep on moving forward. Ignore the BM and the leech that she is. Gravy Train has to come to its final destination eventually.... I can't wait until it does. Let her FINALLY SEE what it's like to actually have to PAY HER OWN BILLS WITH HER OWN MONEY - pay her own rent, security, utilities, car payment, car insurance. She has relied on my FDH's money for so long, she probably has NO CLUE what she's in for. If she were smart, she'd be saving all the CS$$ for skids' college education, or in a savings account for a downpayment to buy a house, but NOPE, she'll just "piss" it away, like she always does. It's easy to spend it when you haven't EARNED it.
Hi Stepdown. Yes, although
Hi Stepdown. Yes, although it sounds totally ridiculous to have to pay so much CS$$ when you have 50/50 custody, it's true.
New York State does NOT take into account a 50/50 joint or shared custody arrangement (or any other arrangement for that matter) in computing CS. Generally, NYS just uses basic percentages of the both parents' combined GROSS income, and assigns a percentage based on # of children.
For example: Father's income: $80,000 Mother's income: $0 Combined gross income: $80,000
Father's percentage of cs to mother: 100% of combined ($80,000)
Mother's percentage of cs to father: 0% of combined ($0)
Child support percentage of combined income: 17% (1 child), 25% (2 children), etc...
Therefore, father's CS obligation to mother (2 children): 25% of $80,000 = $20,000/year = $1,666/mo.
To make things worse, the father is also obligated to pay his share (in this example 100%) of the allowed "add-ons" ON TOP OF THE BASIC CHILD SUPPORT AMOUNT - examples: health insurance, unreimbursed medical expenses, braces, day care, etc...
The 50/50 joint custody is generally not even a factor in the NYS calculation of CS.
Basically a lazy, unemployed BM can easily live off the monthly CS & is not encouraged to go out and work to support her own children.