Day One- The Background
Hello, I am a 27 year old dating a man with an 11 year old son from his prior marriage. I have no children of my own and not sure he wants another one anytime soon. We have been living together for over a year and SS has been living with us full-time for almost a year now.
I have taken on the "mom" role and naively thought that just maybe if I showed my boyfriend how great of a mom I can be he would propose and we would have a baby. Hasn't happened. I think this is a major reason why this feeling of resentment has been creeping up on me these past few weeks.
See, SS was off of school for 3 weeks for Winter Break and BM said she was too busy to have him stay with her. So guess who got to watch SS all day and night for 3 weeks straight? You got it! So it was just assumed that since I was on the same break for my job I would be available to watch him the whole vacation. Well, a few days into it I started feeling overwhelmed, I woke up to the kid saying he was hungry, I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner for him. I cleaned up after him and tried to keep him entertained.
The thing that annoys me about SS is his mouth. He jokes around a lot and makes mean comments to me. I know he's just playing around but when I tell him I don't like the way he jokes with me he says "I'm sorry" and eventually it happens again. He's diabetic and loves to sneak snacks out of the kitchen. I have to constantly watch him and make sure he's not gorging on sweets. I catch him in the kitchen a lot and have to tell him to stop eating. He has no respect for the home, he intentionally throws trash on the floor as I watch him. When I ask him to pick it up he says "what?" He does behave bad sometimes and when I confront him he denies everything, even when I watch him do it. He talks back constantly, every request he is asked is followed immediately by a whine of "what?... Why?..." He's lazy and my boyfriend has no chores for him, I do it all. SS also really likes making fun of me in public, which is why I don't like to take him anywhere with me. He'll stand there and stare at me then say "You look weird" or "You have a gross pimple on your head" or something equally embarrassing. When I tell him to stop being so impolite, he says "Gosh, I'm just playing" Or he will yell or make lots of noise for minutes on end just so I can tell him to stop and he laughs. He loves to annoy me and that makes me not want to be around him.
I started coming up with errands I needed to run that would leave SS home alone in hopes that my boyfriend would find another babysitter (possibly BM) to watch him. I was left with the response that he was fine staying at home alone. I started going out and leaving him at home occassionally just to keep my sanity. Then BM finally agreed to have him during the week, but she would only pick him up for a few hours then drop him off with me again.
I started pulling away from my life at home and tried to get lost in reading novels. I would read a long novel a week. I didn't talk or joke. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I finally told my boyfriend that I couldn't do it anymore. That I felt like a failure and was bogged down by guilt for not being able to love his son. I told him that I needed time to do for me and not have to put my life on hold to take care of his son. I felt like SS was my biological son and my boyfriend was just there helping pay bills. I was always there with SS when his dad was at work, playing games with him, doing art, reading, doing homework and cooking for him. And when my boyfriend came home he would eat, watch tv, lift weights, shower and go to bed. And it would start all over again the next day.
I was promised last night that things would change and SS would be spending more time with BM. My boyfriend said he would start picking up SS from school on the days that BM wouldn't. My only duty is to drop SS off at school in the mornings.
Any one think I'm being selfish?
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Comments
i do lots of things around
i do lots of things around the house for my SO and my skids..mainly because my oh does things the lazy way, but he will do them. however, the second i feel like things arent done because I DIDNT DO THEM, i let them know who is the breadwinner and who is the housewife. HIM.
no, but you bf is. tell him
no, but you bf is.
tell him to pay for childcare you are not a free babysitting service to a back talking brat.
u are a 27 yr old woman who has a long life ahead of you..if you dont put your foot down soon you are just accepting this behaviour.
No, not selfish. You are not
No, not selfish. You are not the babysitter. They were both taking advantage and its good you nipped it sooner rather than later. But if you don't clear up the baby issue soon, you will have problems. I went through this with my current boyfriend. We have been together 3 years and he initially wanted no more children, so we broke up. He changed his mind and we got back together.
DO NOT miss your opportunity if you want children of your own. Its better that you resolve that issue now. Don't wait until 5 years down the road and he decides he doesn't want any more still.
And when SS11 is making his jokes, his consequence is that he loses something that you do for him. You ignore him and don't talk to him unless he talks to you with respect. That is what I do and it does work for me.
How old were you when you
How old were you when you decided to leave? How long did it take him to change his mind? Did you end up having a child together after?
Im kinda suprised he hasnt
Im kinda suprised he hasnt pull the story of my life on you ... IE, ''if you cant take care of this kid how are you supposed to take care of your own?''
If he hasnt proposed yet and hasnt talked about having more children with you, i would not put my hopes up for it happening any time soon. Especially since this kid is getting older and more independent (hopefully) he wouldnt want added burden of yet another child which in his mind right now he thinks you cant handle.
Run, while you have time.
I know I will, if nothing changes in 2 months.
Yeah, you are all right about
Yeah, you are all right about putting my foot down. I will see what happens over the next few weeks. Let's see if things really change and I'm relieved of the stress of having a SS that seems like mine. Hopefully things change cause I will put my foot down and I will let my BF know that it's his son, not mine.
I really do love my BF and I think he's a great guy. Maybe he thought I wanted to do all the things I did for him. Things will change inevitably though. If they don't change here at home then I'll have to find another home.
run...don't walk...to the
run...don't walk...to the nearest exit.
At 27, though you may not feel like it, there is time. Loads of time. And I don't know if I buy into the "there's just one other for me and no one else". Another way of saying it - there are other men.
You sound like a prime
You sound like a prime candidate for disengaging. It is not your duty to babysit that child for three weeks whether you're his girlfriend, fiancee, or his wife! My FH always ask me in advance if I can watch the kids and if I say no, he doesn't make a big deal and gets his parents to do it. He understands it's not my responsibility. It's rude to impose someone else's child on you like that.
Get this straightened out now...don't be concerned about a ring. A ring won't make this situation any better. Make sure you can deal with this because it rarely gets easier. Good luck.
At your age, you have a whole
At your age, you have a whole life ahead of you and there are a ton of other young guys out there who would place you up on a pedestal.
You are not the nanny, taxi, or cook. The advice given here is from experience from the women commenting to you.
Good Luck.
I know all that you are
I know all that you are suggesting is great advice and I will take it. I guess I just want to have a little faith in my BF and trust that he will make things run more smoothly in our relationship. I don't want the reason we don't work out to be because of SS.
Today is the first day after I broke down and told him what I felt and how I was overwhelmed. He seemed very understanding and agreed that he should be able to pick up his own son from school. BF is going to start doing that now and BM is going to start helping during the week and when she has time on the weekends.
I used to want him to get full-custody of SS but now I'm second-guessing the idea. It's not SS's fault that I was thrown into motherhood. I think things will get better.
Either one of two things will happen I believe, 1)BF will take on the role I had with SS and he will resent me not helping or 2)BF will take on the role I had with SS and he will deeply appreciate all that I had been doing.
I'm going back to school now that I feel this responsibility is lifted from my shoulders and will start doing things for me.
I just want to give BF a fair chance to come through on his word before I make any rash decisions and give up on this otherwise great relationship.
Hey! Good luck with school! I
Hey! Good luck with school! I am supposed to be going back in the fall to obtain another MS greatly overdue.
Do not let this mess up your schooling/ future!
Thanks, I've turned a new
Thanks, I've turned a new leaf and will do things for me now. I'm going to leave the parenting responsibilities where they belong, with the parents.
As for getting married, you're right- a ring won't change anything. I just always figured I would marry BF as we get along so great. And trust me, having SS in my life is really scaring me into celibacy. haha. I always thought I would be a great mom, but I'm not so sure now that I see raising SS is so hard for me to do.
Oh well, things will work out the way they should I say. But there will be no more of me feeling obligated to be a primary caregiver for SS. I will be there when I'm truly the last resort, but there will be no more dumping SS on me without my consent.
Seems like you may have him
Seems like you may have him where you want him. You haven't been made into a total doormat. Demand respect, make him raise his own kid and not use you.
I'm in favor of a ring. The big, shiny one,not the little noose that comes after it. }:) }:) }:)
At the first sign that change is words only and not action, I'd seriously get out before you get too sucked in. Be careful about giving that inch. We've all done that here. We believed!
Really, though. Be very, very careful. Even your "only duty to drop off in the morning" is NOT your problem and not their God-given right to have you do so. They need to understand that you do what you are willing to do when it fits your schedule. You must not allow any of the three of them to take you for granted for one minute.
Amen!
Amen!