I am not sure I can handle it any longer..
Hi everyone,
As my blog title says, i am not sure i can handle this situation any longer.
At first, we had the boy(9) every weekend. It was very hard to stay sane. We both work monday to friday and weekend is our only time off. We had him from friday afternoon until sunday afternoon. That meant no private time for two of us at all. The boy was hard to handle. He literally cannot do anything by himself, he needs constant attention etc.. im sure many of you lived trough the same ordeal.
Lately, we are having him every other week. I didnt suggest nor did i have input in that, my bf decided that for himself. We finally had every other weekend for us. The kid was behaving somewhat better and I could survive every other weekend with him.
Now the boy is having major issues for not being with us every weekend, since he is bored at home. He thinks that we should spend every weekend entertaining him since he has nothing else to do. He is having major fits when its time to bring him back, because he is BORED AT HOME.
My bf thinks he is having crying fits because he will miss him. I see it somewhat different. He just doesnt want to go home because noone there doesnt give a shit about him and he needs to spend time entertaining himself.
Dont get me started on xmas gifts. He is already receiving 2 big toy gifts from us and the family, extra clothes.. and now my bf thinks its not ENOUGH, so he wants to buy him extra ds game. Im thinking.. wtf are you going to do when he wont be the only child?!
This weekend the issue was summer holidays. The boy wants to go with us, because he thinks he will be entertained for 2 weeks straight. I am CRINGING at the thought of this. I dont want to spend my 2 week summer holidays on him. I dont want to spend my 2 week summer holiday without sex because he would be sleeping in the same hotel room (europe is a bitch on hotel rooms and kids). I honestly dont know how to avoid this situation. Anyone has any ideas?!
There is so much more to this that i cant possibly put it on the paper in comprehensive way. I am so tired of the whole situation. I am so tired of this childs entitlement issues. I am so tired of everything that at this point im thinking of leaving. I do love my bf, but sometimes i think love aint enough. I want a family of my own, and i dont want to accomodate someone elses bitch fits for the rest of my life. I am slowly getting done. I am so tired...
How do i endure this? How do i rearange things? My bf is already noticing me distancing myself. If they are watching disney channel i am downstairs on computer. If they are on computer I am watching a movie upstairs. I cannot stand disney channel for the entire weekend!!! There are 2 TV#s in the house but the boy is too afraid to be in his room watching tv alone. He is 9 .....
When 3 of us are walking on the street, there is no space for me next to my bf because the kid needs to walk right next to him and grab his hand... i am so tired of this shit.
How do I deal with this? How do I make it work for me too? I am so freaking done.
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Comments
You are right, but in my
You are right, but in my opinion he should make the time for just two of us as well. He cannot expect from me to babysit on my free time, i am a person as well, and why should i sacrifice for something BM is supposed to do? Why doesnt she spend time with her kid and take him on holiday?
Maybe I am being petty, but i want to see some organisation, and i also want to enjoy my hard earned holiday time.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being petty. You're being honest and reasonable. Of course you want to vacation with your bf alone and not spend all your free time with someone else. I would have a serious talk with your BF and tell him that you love him dearly and you love spending time with him alone and work out scheduled time alone together and scheduled time with his son.
My DF and I take two vacations every year...one by ourselves and one with the kids. It's a little costly, but it's worth every penny. The kids just have to stay with their mom or relatives.
oh man you sound just like
oh man you sound just like me.....i'm tired of watching i-carly all weekend long and tired of SD14 wedging herself between my husband and i....and her always getting tons of xmas gifts.......
....in my case i had to tell my husband just how i feel and i wasn't nice about it either..basically i let out ALL my feelings about how his daughter gets her way all the time and all that crap....i have noticed that he now handles things a bit differently when it comes to her....if she wanna watch disney channel..he tells her to go upstairs and watch in her room....if we r sitting watching a movie, he will sit next to me instead of sitting next to her...
...i think your bf feels like my husband does which is guilty....guilty that hes not with child all the time...but hey ppl get married and ppl get divorced...it is what it is...i told him this year he is not buying her tons of gifts...i told SD and husband that when she's at the house...we will watch what she wants to watch on friday...but on saturday we will watch what the adults wanna watch
I wish that I could do that..
I wish that I could do that.. im so jealous of you. This kid is afraid to be in a room by himself, so the tv that is in the bedroom where he resides is just there to collect the dust. He wont watch it by himself, and he wont watch anything interesting with us. He wants freaking icarly hanna montana and spongebob all the time. And loud.
I cannot STAND that any more. This weekend if they were watching that crap, you could find me in the bedroom. If they came to the bedroom to play wii or computer games, you would find me in the living room watching tv. BF was asking why am i running away from them. -I dont feel like watching cartoons- was my answer. He didnt comment. But he got the picture.
Oh i am so glad people
Oh i am so glad people actually understand me here. Yes, fun and catering to the kid started when they divorced, everything to keep the kid entertained and happy for a moment. Then I came into the picture.. and i ended up suffering.
I cannot stand i-carly and spongebob, and hannah montana shit any more. Seriously im gonna loose it.
Another situation, we both smoke, but we dont smoke IN the house. We do it on the balcony which is located next to the bedrooms (right opposite actually) with big glass wall, so you can see us when we are there. When we want to go for a smoke, the kid actually HAS TO GET OUT with us. No way in hell he would stay in the room alone, even though its middle of the day and you can see us through the glass!!!
So when we decide to take a smoke, the kid actually is having a bitch fit how WE want to smoke and how HE doesnt want to get out and WE SHOULDNT DO IT EITHERRRRRRRRRR. This weekend i almost lost it, but i stayed quiet. Next time the feathers will fly.
When was about time to go home, the kid threw major tantrum. I told my bf well, if the kid was living here it wouldnt be much different then what he has at home, you should talk to him and make sure he understands. I also told him that im tired of catering to the kid the whole time, and he shouldnt bitch at me if i want to do something ELSE instead of watching stupid childrens programs. I think hes getting the picture.
Im mostly pissed when the kid is in front of the TV that we cannot speak, because HE DOESNT HEAR the TV. And when I am watching a movie, and he pops up in the living room, its perfectly ok for him to start singing, screaming and screeching. This time i told him that next time he watches something i will be singing. And i intend to keep my word.
This time the kid also demanded that we sit on the couch and WATCH HIM play wii. Seriously.
My bf is not all that bad, he understands me, and he frankly told me that i have a choice and that he doesnt understand why im sticking with him because its such hard thing to do (he said it in very nice and understandable way) and that he appreciates me being there. He also makes space for me on the couch and tries really hard to include me in everything. But all the rest of little things that are driving me insane dont stop. Like the smoking part. Oh god im so angry.
It came to the point that yesterday the kid kept asking -what are we gonna do next, what are we gonna play- when my bf asked him -well what do you do at home?- the kid replied -nothing- and my bf replied -well you cant expect me to entertain you 24/7 either-. Im not sure the kid got the message tho.
As for the holidays, we planned it last year, we booked it for him as well, and paid. When the time came, the kid decided that he doesnt want to go and that he would rather spend the summer with his grandparents. We went alone.
I do not want to book the fkn holiday accomodating his school holidays and end up going to the place I dont want to go to.. and he doesnt come. I dont want to schedule my life according to him and his demands. He has a mother, she should care more instead of being with her bf and HIS kids.
Sorry for the vent. I am a bit fed up...
Oh Crayon, you hit it spot
Oh Crayon, you hit it spot on. Its EXACTLY how you are describing it. Its like weekend is disney time, and EVERYTIHNG should be done the way HE wants it. It came to the point when bf said -i dont want to do laundry on the weekend he is here- and i was like WTF. Its because we dont have dryer so we dry the clothes in the bathroom on the line. God forbid the kid would mind the clothes drying there. There is no vacuuming on the weekends because the kid cant hear tv. Am i supposed to come home at 7pm and start doing chores around the house just so the kid can have disney time when he comes over?! Fuck that I say. I am already using washing machine on saturdays. and i fully on intend to do vacuuming, ironing etc on the weekend when he is here too. I prefer ironing to watching spongebob. The kid also needs to learn what real life is. Or get friends. But he is too antisocial to bond with anyone.
One of the reasons bf made all this shit is because kid didnt want to spend weekends with him in the beginning.. so he did everything to win him over.
crayon, Just my opinion...but
crayon,
Just my opinion...but I agree with you. We went from non-custodial to custodial several years ago. I think it's MUCH easier being a custodial step-parent. But I'm not sure I would feel that way if I weren't already a biological mother. I do think it's easier if you already have older kids and kind of know what to expect.
Having custody of the kids full time means that our rules and our consequences govern their behavior. My stepkids have completely changed in the few short years we've had full custody of them. I've had several people comment on how much their behavior has improved since living with us. DH and I aren't super parents by any stretch of the imagination. But we do consistently parent. And that's what had been missing from their lives for so long. Their mother even refers to them as "my buddies"..."my best bud"..."my best friend"...."my pal". NEWSFLASH: Your kids have plenty of friends. What they needed was a parent.
Crayon...I agree with you
Crayon...I agree with you about it being a little bit easier. When we had the kids 24/7....their lives were more structured, we could plan and make arrangements, and we controlled the situation. When the BM is around and involved there's always drama, flakiness, and having to deal with whatever craziness and brainwashing she does to the kids. It would be different if she was reliable, but she rarely is and we're always left wondering, not being able to make plans because we never if she's gonna show up.
I just wish my bf would read
I just wish my bf would read this and understand the message you say crayon.
Another thing, when we got appartment, it was 2 bedroom appartment. One for us, and one for the kid-s. My bf said, well the boy will occupy the room for now, and once we get our own child, the boy can sleep on the couch, since he already has bedroom at his moms house. Fine by me I say.
The next thing I know is bf trying to find boy decorations for that room, getting the furniture for the boy, calling the room -insert boys name- room. WTF is with that?! I mean, I am planning for the kid in the next year, and you are planning to put up boy stickers on the walls?! Its not HIS room! I dont even know how to explain the feeling. I dont even know how to behave when i hear -his- room. Why does this bother me so much?
It bothers you because your
It bothers you because your BF is essentially setting up a bad scenario. He has given the room to SS so when you have a kid SS is going to be displaced from said room making YOU the bad person. You have every right to be upset.
Why would he call it 'Droopys
Why would he call it 'Droopys room' when your son still lives there ?! I am confused.
Maybe i am just getting upset
Maybe i am just getting upset over any little thing because this weekend has been hell. I am just afraid that i will explode one day and noone will know what has hit them. I am capable of waiting for the resolution of bad situation, but once i finally realise that it will stay like that, i am very well capable of putting hard stop on this issue and i am afraid noone is going to like it. Maybe i should go to pychologist or something.
The worst thing is that bf is afraid that the kid wont like comming over if he doesnt LIKE it here with us. Tough luck I say. I am extremely lucky that my bf#s mom and his sister support me in this. Otherwise i think this relationship would be over sooner then i thought.
Haha Crayon, we did this!
Haha Crayon, we did this! Played wii until the kid threw tantrum because he couldnt win. Played monopoloy until the kid saw he cant win anything so he went untinterested and we stopped. Trust me it didnt work. Sometimes the two of them play supermario, and the sparks fly because the kid never listens. But then bf goes all soft and even tho the kid irritated him few minutes ago, he goes and tries to make the kid feel better by talking about something funny etc. It really goes on my nerves that.
Also, the kid only thinks about food. Seriously.
You give him small chocolate, the kid just rams it in his mouth like someone is gonna steal it from him. My bf goes insane on that and tells him to stop behaving like that. This kid has thick skin and he doesnt care when he gets screamed on. The next minute he will just behave like nothing happened.
I don't necessarily think
I don't necessarily think that an issue like this always arises due to a father that "caters" to his child, but that the OP wants her BF to want the same things that she does. And there's nothing wrong with wanting time alone with your SO.
I look forward to the time I have alone with DH. But having children sometimes means that I don't get to quietly read the paper while I have a cup of tea because my three year old wants to play with me and make me pretend smoothies, which is an activity that, to me, is mind-numbingly difficult, but it means so much to her when I giver her that undivided attention. It means that my eleven year old needs me to help him build a volcano model at the very last minute, when all I want to do is just relax for the weekend. It means that DH and I don't get to have a weekend to ourselves any longer. We get a few hours once a month when the local YMCA has a Parent's Night Out, and we make the most of it. That's what happens when you have children.
So if you don't want that kind of life, if you're still in a time of your life when you want and need to be selfish - and there's nothing wrong with being selfish, sometimes you have to be - then don't get into a relationship or marry a person with children. You'll be sorely disappointed, resentful and it will not last without everyone paying dearly for it in one way or another.
Just because a divorce occurs doesn't mean that the child's needs cease to exist, as well as the fact that a parent WANTS to put their child's needs first, because that's what a parent DOES.
And it's not wrong to want what you want, but don't expect everyone else around you to want what you want, too.
I think you can take the
I think you can take the situation back without being manipulative or passive-agressive. I think, in some cases, ignoring the behavior, NOT the child, can work better.
First, you have to realize that you cannot control others, only your own actions and reactions. Then you have to realize that the problem you have is with your SO, not the child. So, try acting like those particular behaviors don't bother you. When everyone sees that it makes no difference to you, that you have your own life and do your own things, not only will the behavior stop but you'll realize it really doesn't bother you any longer. It's because you LET the behavior bother you that it does. Now this is not applicable when the behavior manifests itself through acting out, causing physical pain, being abusive toward others, etc. But it is applicable when dealing with behaviors that stem from insecurity or emotional distress.
Young children aren't self-aware enough to know WHY they do certain things. They feel something, they respond to that feeling and act out. Sometimes it's out of frustration, sometimes fear. They don't know why, they just do - there's no filter. It's up to us to interpret the reasons behind their behavior and find the appropriate response/discipline to help them.
For example: My three year old is whining a lot and crying. It's annoying because I don't know why she's whining/crying so much. I've taken care of her basic needs: I've fed her, given her something to drink, she has toys to play with, TV shows to watch, the world at her fingertips. But I've noticed that when I take some time with her, do some pretend play, color with her, read to her, give her undivided, one-on-one attention for about 30 minutes to an hour a day, she doesn't whine/cry as much. On the days when I'm working and not able to give her much attention during work hours, I notice that her frustration level, her ability to keep it together, is much more difficult to deal with. It's because that attention from me makes her feel secure and loved - it shows her that she is important to me. She NEEDS that human interaction from me, she NEEDS to know that she's important to me in order to feel secure. Feeling secure in your relationships is not a WANT. It's a BASIC, HUMAN NEED. And children have that need too. Just as much as we do as adults.
JMHO.
Its all different when you
Its all different when you have kids that are yours and you are the mother. This boy has a mother, she should take more care so the kid is not bored at home. I mean its easy to tell the kid -you will do this and that with dad, you will go here and there with dad- and creating expectaitons and me having to do all the work. Do you get the picture? My child would only have me as a mother, so ofcourse i would spend my time and energy, but i wouldnt completely cater to the kid. If i wanted to watch something on tv, my kid would go to his-her room and watch whatever he-she wants. I would not stop the whole world for the kid. One day that kid will be an adult, and nobody likes those people who think the world revolves around them.
For now, I dont have my own kids, and i dont feel like i should entertain someone elses my entire free time. Its not my problem that his mother decided to break their family apart because her genitals were itching for another...
Why should i suffer? I want a man, and this man i love has a kid with her. The kid didnt cease to exist you are right, and he never will. But this kid needs to learn that life and world doesnt revolve around him.
But this is the situation you
But this is the situation you are in, correct? You chose this, so you have to make the best of it or decide to leave. You cannot control what others do or what they want for their lives or make it so that they rearrange their lives so that it fits with your vision of how you want things. That's not how it works.
Sure the child has a mother. But you cannot control how that mother acts or parents.
You can only control how you act.
My kids get bored. How, I have no idea. I get bored sometimes, too but I know what to do when I get bored. Learning how to help children get to the point where they can self-entertain is an important skill to have as a parent. It takes work to learn this skill.
If you didn't want to be in a situation where a child needs to be parented, why in the world did you pick a man that has a child? There are plenty of men out there who have no children. When you're a parent, you find out that the world DOES revolve around your child sometimes. Notice I used the word "sometimes." It just does. It's a balancing act. Sometimes my DH needs the world to revolve around him. Sometimes I need it to revolve around me. But we wait until we've taken care of the children's needs first. That's just how it is when you're a parent.
Isn't the problem here that you want the world to revolve around you sometimes? That's really what you're saying here, am I correct? That's completely understandable and reasonable to want that. I want it too. But when there are children involved, that doesn't happen all the time. You have to pick and choose those times carefully. You have to wait for those times. You have to ASK for those times. It doesn't just HAPPEN. That's just life.
In our case BM doesnt give a
In our case BM doesnt give a rats ass about the kid. We dont hear much from her unless the kid -doesnt want to get a haircut, or he doesnt want some boots she thinks he should have- hence leaving us providing extra stuff for him (paying ofcourse).
Ah, she recently called up asking .. that now she wants to change her surname (she kept his after divorce but wants to change it back apparently) can she also change the kids surname...
HAHAHAHhahaha i was floored.
Hi there. I too, literally
Hi there.
I too, literally feel your pain and am almost in the same boat as yourself. (see my blog.)
Crayon has awesome advice, as usual.
It upset me when husband
It upset me when husband calls the third bedroom, "SD Room"....the reason for meis bc when I bought the place, it was an extra bedroom and I had computer...pictures...books...video games in that room. I come home one day from and he moved all my stuff out in order to get it ready for her. WTF!! First of all my name is on deed, so it's MY room.
What bothered me is her never asked me. Not like he needs to get permission, but he wasn't showing me respect. To this day, I do not acknowledge it as her room.
I call it the "purple" room, bc it's painted purple. Or
I say "the bedroom". lol childish
i know
Omg I've never related to
Omg I've never related to something so much! I felt guilty thinking it was just me that felt this way! I find I'm almost getting depressed, angry and resentful. My 3 year old step son will drop food and demand I pick it up if I don't he screams. If I tell him no when he's doing something bad he screams and cries throwing himself to the floor and he's 3 so I understand BUT his 6 year old brother is the same. No matter what we do he doesn't listen or won't help himself at all, still can't wipe himself and REFUSES to learn. Won't use a spoon or fork to eat so I don't eat dinner until they are in bed because I can't handle seeing him hold noodles in his fingers and shove his hand into his mouth and chew with his mouth open and talk to us as good falls out of it, I get kids do this but he is almost 7. Please don't feel bad for how you feel! I get the weekend thing and the vacation! You work like I do and that time you need a break!
"I get kids do this"
"I get kids do this"
No, kids don't. Only kids who have never been shown otherwise do this. These kids sound feral. What are their parents doing aboutteaching them proper behaviour? And why is it up to you to clean up after them? Whay kind of discipline is being employed? Why isn't your SO correcting his kids?