I have ss22 that we've been dealing with for several years now. He's not addicted to heroin, but he does smoke pot and drinks every chance he gets. It's been a progressive downturn with him. At 19 he went into the navy, didn't like how A-school worked so he intentionally got himself kicked out. He was back to the area for 2 weeks before he ever bothered contacting my dh. He started a horrid pattern of mooching off his friends... living with them and their parents if they lived with their parents (and YES their PARENTS allowed him to stay in their homes), eating their food, etc. Then he moved in with a girl... constant fights between them she would call the cops on him all the freakin' time. They split up and he then married another girl... all of this time he is bouncing from friend's house to friend's house, MULTIPLE jobs (kept getting fired)... so he gets married. Never even made it to their year anniversary before they were seperated (eventually divorced). While they were seperated, he goes and knocks up a 17 yr old girl (ON PURPOSE... THEY PLANNED the baby!!) so we allowed him to move in with us. We wanted to help him get on his feet before the baby came. After a couple months, he pissed me off to the point that I kicked him out. A month later, daddy lets him move BACK in without even consulting me about it. He lived with us for over a year... had 2 jobs that he was fired from (and it's NEVER his fault when he gets fired), he was supplying minors with alcohol and pot, he would be gone 3-4 days at a time and only come home to shower and eat up our food. And he has done NOTHING, absolutely nothing to help with his own child that he PLANNED to have. So finally, I got fed up and I told DH I was setting some rules and I didn't care if he didn't like them or if ss22 didn't like them. He could either live by them or he could get the hell out! (dh AND ss!)
-pay rent -random drug tests at my discretion -maintain a job for more than 6 months and do NOT quit or be fired for ANY reason (with the exception of quitting for a better paying job with career potential) -pay for food -absolutely NO yelling, talking back, fighting with anyone, etc. And the consequence... you WILL move out if I have to change the locks and throw your crap in the yard. And it only took not doing 1 of these things. I had NO sympathy.

Needless to say, once he found out I was setting out rules, he NEVER came home again. I never even got a chance to PRESENT the rules! That was about 2 months ago now. He has not been back to the house, even to visit, since. He does not call me... does NOT call his father, his siblings, NO ONE.

I have disengaged from both SS22 and SD20 and I have told them and my dh that they are NOT allowed in my home until they grow up and act like mature, respectful, responsible adults and learn how to control their tempers. The house we live in belongs to my mother, my children and I live there, so it's much easier for dh to go to see his kids where they live then it is for us to leave for them to come there and see him. And you may end up having to set your foot down and either leaving when ss comes or telling dh you don't want him there. If he is a drug addict, I'd be concerned about things coming up missing that he could pawn for cash. Sometimes a little tough love is necessary... and me thinks it would be helpful in your situation as well.

We're all in the same boat. What is the deal with these "kids?" My sons are 20 and 23 and have NEVER done the things the skids have done. Burglary, heroin, beer runs, stealing money and cards from BM's purse, ER visits for drug OD, shoplifting, stealing phone/iPods from their siblings... the list goes on.

The two middle skids are the worst (SS19 and SD17); and neither one are welcome in our home. We even have to make sure to get SS13's house key back before dropping him off at BM's because we are afraid they will steal it from him and break into our house (happened before).

For either one of them to step foot in our house, even just for a visit, I want a clean drug test. To move back in? Hell, no, but if I were to cave, my rules would be similar to Wicked's. Drug test first, stable job first, high school diploma or GED first, enrolled in college or technical classes first. Once there, 9pm curfew, rent, no visitors, passing grades, keep working, etc.