I'm a tough love parent and know it's OK to put your foot down, cause they respect their parent more for establishing boundaries and not so worried about kissing-ass for fear of offending them. I have an adult (26 yr old) son, and we went through several years of rough patches (from age 11-16) and nearly hated each other. But, we got through it. I sent him off to the Navy at 20 so that he could "grow up and become a man" and basically go out in the world and learn something. He was either going to sink or swim (he too is from the e-generation, where they think they know it all, and expect everything for practically nothing. He came back a man, and we are closer than ever.

If my son had ever treated my DH like my brat adult SDs, I would have yelled at him, made him apologize for his behavior or have nothing to do with him.

My DH is a wimp/whipping stick.

To this day, I can not get him to put on my shoes and see FULLY the other side.

I'd deal with the BM the same way I delt with our BM. If you want to be a narcissistic sociopath and refuse to live by our boundaries, then f*you. You've been blocked and cut off. The girls are over 18, and that means my DH doesn't have to ever speak to your loser ass ever again. Good luck, good riddance.

If the kids refuse to behave, yes, therapy would be a given. If that didn't work, guess they'd have to go live with their daddy, cause I do not put up with kids acting like they are in charge (at any age---or adults) that live in my household, when I AM THE ONE PAYING THE BILLS.

If I were my boyfriend and things were reversed, I would do everything opposite from the way he does. Because I would not want my kid thinking he or she runs the household, also I would not want my kid to be that spoiled. so to answer the questions...

what would you do differently?

I would give punishment for every time my kid was out of line. not just sometimes cause I feel bad for punishing them if they act up all day. My kid would pick up there mess before they did what they wanted, or they would not be doing it till it was clean. If my kid hit me or another person, they would get spanked, I would not tell the other person, oooh there only 4 and there a boy, that's how boys act... I would not give in all the time, cause my kids throwing a fit over i won't buy them a toy, or I wont play with them at that time, I really would not want to keep encouraging my kid to act that way everyday.

What would you say to your child if they came to you and said they hate your spouse?

first I would ask them why to see if there is a good reason for them saying this. If it was cause my partner was mistreating them in ways they shouldn't, I would take that up with the adult, if it was over something like getting in trouble with the adult for doing something there not suppose to, they would get in trouble for saying harsh things and be corrected on it. if it was because of the BM or BF I would tell them not to say things like that because of someone else's trash talk, and jump onto my ex for being an idiot.

How would you deal with BM

Just because it was my kids mom or dad, I would not let them walk all over me, or let them have there way just because I don't want to deal with them. and I would not do special things for them just because there my kids other parent. he/she bought the trampoline for our kid, that doesn't mean I should have to go put it together at his or her house for them. etc... I would keep things friendly and civil with them, until they said something out of line, and then I wouldn't hesitate to tell them there doing so.

Would you get your kids counseling?

If I felt they seriously needed it, I would. Im not gonna pretend there is nothing wrong with my kid and that they are perfect, if there is actually something wrong.

sorry if my answers seem bitter. annoyed with the boyfriend today about his perfect does no wrong kid if ya know what I mean. lol

Sorry... this is a bit of a book, but it answers all of your questions.

I am the bio-parent to 2 kids... ds17 and dd13. They were 6 and 2 when I met and married dh. My ds is the only dad my dd has ever known so there's not been any issues at all between her and dh (until lately that is and the problem lies with dh not dd... I'll explain). The majority of the issues between ds and dh started after just a few months. DS and dh were outside playing catch and ds told dh that his bd could throw a ball better than dh. DH came into the house cussing saying that he would NEVER do ANYTHING with ds again since he was always comparing dh to bd. I tried to explain to him that ds was only 6 years old and I didn't believe ds meant anything negative or comparative by it, then explained to him that sd20 often made comments like that about her bm too, but you can't take that stuff personally and let it affect your relationship with the sk. My explanation fell on deaf ears and dh stayed true to his word. I didn't let sd's comments to affect my relationship with her. I realize that ALL kids think their own parents are the greatest in the world when they are those ages. (SD was 8 at the time) I've always tried to see things from the other person's perspective. I wish DH did this more.

After several years of dh treating ds like an outsider, ds DID come to me and told me that he hated dh. I explained to ds (sternly I might add) that I never taught him that hating ANYONE was acceptable and I never wanted to hear that out of his mouth again. I went on to explain the things that dh DID do (attended baseball and football games was really about all I had to work with, but I also threw in going to work everyday to provide for the WHOLE family, etc) that were deserving of respect from my ds. DS did say it 1 more time when he was about 16 and he and dh were REALLY butting heads to the point that I ended up kicking dh out over all of the step issues (me with sd and he with ds... not because my son hated him... the separation came a few months after the "hating" incident) and I again explained the same thing to him that I explained to him before. I haven't had another problem w/ds saying that. And in the last 6-8 months ds has REALLY matured and grown up a lot... even saying to me that dh has been more of a dad to him than his own dad and he knows that... he just doesn't like the way dh treats him... which I can't say I blame him. Who would? Even with ds's maturity increasing over recent months, dh STILL always has something negative to say about my ds... even when ds tries to do what dh wants, it's never good enough, etc. It's been a constant source of contention for dh and I, especially lately when ds has been more respectful to dh than ever, hasn't talked back to him AT ALL, and has been really good about doing all that is expected of him (dh does NOT see it that way).

As far as BM's go, I have 1 BD that I deal with... ds's bd. And he basically is uninvolved with ds... sees him for breakfast every 2-3 weeks and 1 day outing that usually lasts about 6 hours per year. BD and DH have gotten along fine anytime they've been around each other... they aren't buddy buddy, but bd doesn't like any kind of confrontation so the peace is usually kept anytime any of us are around each other. And I can't complain about how dh handled BM in the last 5 years or so. He used to defend her all the time to me when we were first married and it would really piss me off. You will NEVER hear me defending either of my ex's to anyone because they are assholes... that's why they are EX husbands.

I told DH a couple of months ago that he needs to let me deal with my kids and he needs to deal with his kids because us trying to so called "CO parent" NEVER worked because I made my kids respect dh and his rules but dh didn't make sk's respect me or my rules and there was an incident with his now adult kids disrespecting me that he basically refused to do anything about.

He has always treated my kids more like little slaves who never did anything right... I just wanted his kids to have a curfew, to quit talking back to their teachers and copping attitude, and to show respect to others. Well, lately, dh has started telling dd13 to do ds17's chores. DS17 goes to his g/f's house and does work for her parents for a few hours before he spends time with his gf (I know this because gf's mother has told me... I would NOT take my ds's word for this). Well, dh doesn't believe it. He thinks ds is just being lazy and doing nothing. He gets paid for the work he does in the form of "paying back" a car they purchased for him when he agreed to do a crap load of work that the dad couldn't do because he's had 5 back surgeries (major stuff... pulling fence posts out of the ground, a basketball goal, maintaining their cars, mowing/bagging grass, raking leaves... etc). Well, when sk's worked, dh did their jobs for them and I do help ds out but usually have him do things when he gets home in the evenings... this to me is part of being an adult... you go to work then you come home and take care of household stuff, so I won't do everything for him like dh did for his kids. But dh wants the dishes (that ds comes home after school to wash) put away as soon as they are washed. I have no problem with them being left in the drainer for ds to put away when he gets home. So, dh has taken it up on himself to order my dd to do ds's job. When I confronted him I told him that there is nothing wrong with ds putting those away when he gets home in the evenings. He's coming home after school to wash them before he goes to work. It was then that I told dh to leave the chores and punishments for my kids up to me. Tonight, dh told dd once again to put the dishes away but I didn't know it. I asked dd to rinse out a pan we used (ds washes them) and she said, "Why do I have to keep doing ds's jobs?" I asked her what she meant and she told me. I told her to leave the dishes in the drainer and take care of the pan as I asked her to do. I didn't say a word to dh because there is just no point. So in this respect, I would really like to have my rules respected. I WANT my ds to take care of those when he gets home... as I said, I feel there is a lesson to be learned there. And basically, it boils down to dh being a control freak trying to get his way... as always.

So there you have it... the long version. LOL (Sorry about that) I think we should each handle our own kids as far as rules and discipline goes, I show respect and I would like the same in kind, I treated my sk's with fairness and decency and I would like the same done for my own kids. The other bio parents are basically non-existent in our relationship. Oh, and counseling. My ds did go through some counseling about 10 years ago. SK's never did. I found it to be helpful for him at the time.

what would you do differently?

I would be straightforward and demanding. Not demanding as in controling, But I would enforce my visitation and rights as a parent. If I had to deal with what my DH has dealt with, I would use the courts regularly. I would enforce rules, and give the proper punishment. I would try to work with BM, even though it's almost impossible.. regarding SDs school, clothing, activities etc etc.. I would also be honest and very blunt in regards to BM.

What would you say to your child if they came to you and said they hate your spouse?

Firstly I would ask why. I would ask why because I honestly care why they hate my partner. If it was for silly reasons, or unwarrented, then I would explain that they do not have to like their new step parent, but they will show them respect. Rudeness will not and is not tolorated by me.

How would you deal with BM...Rarely in person..due to BMs unstable personality. There would be a lot of letters and emails, if possible. I would take her ass to court if I were DH.

Would you get your kids counseling? Yes. Definately.