I don't know that I'm fully engaged but I haven't disengaged I look at it more like stepping back. I don't have any bios. Most of what I do for the skids I do for my DH to support him. Like doing laundry or making a meal if DH is coming home late with the skids. I will only help the skids with homework or projects if they ask me directly. Lately I've been struggling with whether to fully disengage as I'm beginning to resent my DH. But a big part of this is my DH not recognizing that everything I do for the skids is a favor to him. DH also doesn't understand about how the skids constant glares, rude tone of voice and negative energy directed at me affect my feelings and actions toward him.

The skids rarely acknowledge me and they both have loyalty issues. SS11 can be an absolute turd to me and my DH is blind to it. I've been with DH for 8 years and married 5 of the 8 years. I feel like I really don't know the skids at all and that the skids don't know me either. I'd like to get to know them better but I don't know if they even want that. In fact DH and I had a long talk about this yesterday. I'm still on the fence about what I'm going to do.

Oh and when I say acknowledgement I mean a simple "thank you" or "hello/good-bye" once and awhile. The boys thank DH for cooking at every meal but I rarely get a thank you for anything, unless DH tells them too.

~BettyRay

I tried to disengage, and yes, I didn't feel I could completely with my bios in the picture. SD is their sister and I felt I was doing them a diservice to be so withdrawn from SD all of the time.

I don't have bios of my own, and I'm still fully engaged. I'm engaged because I want to be, not because I feel like I have to be. I love my skids, and they love me. I have good relationships with both of them, and we all function as a pretty good family together.

I knew BM was nutso when I married DH. I knew he came with kids, and there would be drama and BS to deal with. But he's a good dad, a great husband, and his kids are well-behaved.

So maybe it's because I don't have issues with the skids, and because DH really parents them that I'm comfortable being fully engaged. My only real issue in the situation (and the reason I'm even on Steptalk) is BM and her drama.

I love my stepkid. He would probably be dead if I weren't engaged. FDH works offshore and as of this moment, SS5 is sitting in my living recovering from being sick because his mother or grandparents who picked him up couldn't handle him being sick. Not only that, I have no reason to disengage. His father and I are partners. We decide everything together and make ALL decisions together. If either side my x or his tries to make changes, we consult each other about it no matter how small. SS5 is absolutely horrible most of the time and extremely PASed but we would never give ANYONE the satisfaction of watching me disengage and not showing a united front.

I loved my step kids too and thought they loved me until they turned on me and told me there dad could do way better then me and their BM was a hot ass! LOL what a joke that is...but besides the insults they gave me it was our relationship that I took for granted and assumed it was a good one because they were good little actors that use people to get what they want out of them, just like BM does!
BM married a man with money last year and they moved into a big nice house, so why do they need me or their dad anymore. Spoiled brats!!
Even though they refuse to see him unless he gets rid of me ...they still expect daddy to continue that CS though.

It's a lot easier when the skids are adults. Both of DH's kids were long grown when I met him so there was no parenting that needed to be done.

I pretty much just stay away from SS27 as much as possible. Older SS is deceased.

I have no bios yet, but one on the way. I have not completely disengaged yet (although I'd love to), but my FDH has noticed me stepping further and further away and is not happy about it. He's not happy about it, but he also refuses to listen to anything I say to him about his guilt parenting, hence my reason for stepping back.

My feelings do still get hurt by SS12 when he ignores me or when I think about the days when we used to enjoy each other's company. I honestly wish things between the 3 of us could be smoother, but FDH refuses to see what he's doing wrong and I refuse to be the "evil stepmother" all the time. I hope when SS gets older, we can have an adult conversation about why I stepped back, and maybe when our BS arrives, SS will see that all I wanted for him was stability and structure.