Broke My Promise to Myself
Ugh. I am annoyed with myself and this supposed "Holiday Spirit" or whatever it is that makes me less spiteful, more helpful and genuinely more forgiving. I suppose one might think it is religion but honestly, I am just agnostic, not Christian or anything identifiable.
I am annoyed not because I sent BM a Christmas card but that is not because I wanted to be kind - that was sort of spiteful ... I put her boyfriend's last name as her last name on it ... Well? SHE should change her name. I married a butthead and am a SM so I have earned the right to change my name to his.
I am annoyed that I went Christmas shopping (online of course) and saw a dolphin thing and asked the boys if they wanted to get it for BM and they were all for it. Doh. What did I expect? On Mother's Day, we went through the "let's make her something" ordeal that I still feel battle scars from. I vowed last year - around this time as a matter of fact - that I would not come out of my pocket for the boys sake and that their father would do it. DH said he won't waste his money no matter how good it is for their mental health. So what the hell are we supposed to do?
I know they are 9 and 11. At what point do I tell them to make it THEIR responsibility or desire, not mine?
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I did the whole gifts for bd
I did the whole gifts for bd a couple of times for ds17 when he was very little. After a couple years of bd not hardly seeing ds, I never did it again and ds never asked until 1 year he had money of his own, so I did take him to the store and let him buy something (he didn't buy mom anything, but that was ok... as long as ds was happy that was enough for mom). BD doesn't buy ds gifts for b-day or Christmas, so it didn't take ds long to realize that he was spending HIS money on bd, but bd was not doing it for him and that was the end of that. Bur you are right that if ANYTHING is going to be done for bm, it SHOULD be dh that's doing it, not you. You don't owe this woman anything. If anything, she owes you about $1,253,763.42 for raising her kids!
I wouldn't tell the kids anything at all. If they come to you, tell them to talk to dh. End of story. Let him deal with it and be the bad guy.
I see your point but I have
I see your point but I have this "guilty" feeling if I don't seem like the better person between BM and myself. As in, when the kids get older, if I raised them right, will they remember these sorts of things and that I tried to be a good SM?
Let me give you brutal
Let me give you brutal honesty. No they will not remember. I treated my sk's better than their own mother treated them and better than any bf she ever had treated them. They are now 20 and 22 and neither of them respect me or acknowledge ANYTHING I ever did... uh retract that statement. The only things I did that they acknowledge were what they felt were negative things. I too had that whole "guilt" issue which was why I did everything I could for sk's and all it got me was a LOT of regret.
Sk's were 8 and 11 when I married dh and I was VERY good to them. While you are taking care of them, you aren't raising them. I always thought I was raising my sk's too because I was the one that did everything while dh was at work and bm lived 2500 miles away so my job was FULL TIME. I went to their school functions, baseball/softball practices and games, took them to doc/dentist appts, taught them how to drive, took them to get their permits and licenses... I mean EVERYTHING that a parent would do. But in the end, it's their parent's raising that they appreciate and remember... not yours. At least that is how it's been in MY situation.
Like I said, you don't owe BM anything. It's not about being better than BM because you could be the queen of England and your sk's will NEVER see you as being better than BM in ANY way and how they see you as a stepparent will depend solely on how much respect your dh has for you and makes them show you. Once they move out that can go either way.
Don't guilt yourself to death and don't try so hard. If being kind to them and doing the things a mother does for them isn't enough, nothing ever will be.
TheOtherMom - since you skids
TheOtherMom - since you skids are 9 and 11 it is nice that you are helping them with the gifts. When SS lived with us every year for Christmas I used to go out and spend my own money so that when SS went to visit her he would have more than 1 gift to give to her. I hope someday he appreciates what I did for him and it was for him not for her. About a year ago BM said something nasty about me and my Dh really let her have it - he told her how I went out of my way to make sure that SS had a great Christmas with her and that I would go out and buy her things and personally wrap the box so that it looked great.
Now before you think I am all great and wonderful - BM is a nut about a clean home (I personally think it is one of the reasons that she gave SS to us between the ages of 9 and 13 he was too messy for her) so when I would send the packages I would make sure that I use the styrofoam peanuts and lots and lots of them also I would use this stuff that looked like birds would use it for their nests and it would make a mess - I felt I needed to help SS but not make it so easy for the bitch!! She is also very creative and my girlfriend is an awesome scrapbooker and so I had her make an awesome scrapbook for BM with SS and a few pictures of DD and some really great sayings about motherhood and in one of the sayings I was mocking her because I was so pissed that she gave up her son (and I thought and still think that she is a horrible mother) and I had to take care of him and it almost in the beginning broke up my marriage and of course she did not even get it. Every year I would make her a book with pictures of her son throughout the year and a couple of times I would make a calender of SS for her.
I never did it for her though I did it for SS - when SS was 13 he went to live with her and I would say it is around that time that he became old enough to get her things on himself so maybe by the time they are 13 they can do it themselves. I did tell SS when he was 12 that it was his responsibility to maintain a relationship with her and that I was stepping out of it.
LOL! The peanuts idea for a
LOL! The peanuts idea for a neat freak is FABULOUS
Thank you for the giggle.
But I also appreciate your insight. Thank you.
Yeah I had to send the
Yeah I had to send the peanuts because she sent them to me and this is when DD was about 10 months old and I had to rip one out of her mouth - it got me so pissed off that she would send something that my DD could choke on so I sent her double that but the best was this stuff that was almost like wood and straw very thin sticks and oh the mess it caused I am sure she had a fit - lol
PS - I also wrote her a nice little email telling her that maybe she forgot what a peanut could do to a baby because he son was 12 at the time but I would appreciate her not sending something that could possibly kill my child - thank you.
I am an excellent dollar
I am an excellent dollar store shopper. I spend no more than $5, but the basket always looks like one of the expensive make-up counter ones. No one knows the difference! 3 times a year- Christmas, Mother's Day, Birthday. I've also done some scrapbooks over the years...
have I ever gotten anything she initiated? Hell, no. But it wasn't about me or her, it was about showing the skids what the right thing to do in that situation is... And like caregiver; i always made sure if it was a homemade gift, there was lots of glitter involved... Enjoy your nice new carpet, while your kids are getting stains all over mine, crazy lady! At least there's REAL holiday spirit in my home! At least each stain is a memory of their childhood, something I ahve that she doesn't!
And what is causing those
And what is causing those stains - cows, chickens, pigs or skids?!?!?!?!?! lol }:) }:) }:)
